My mother with dementia has been living with me for 3 1/2 years. Nine months ago I hired an agency to send a home companion for 5 1/2 hours per day during the week while I work. This leaves mom alone for maybe an hour and a half in the afternoon. Mom has been getting progressively worse with her short term memory and reasoning, especially in the past seven days since my daughter's dog came to live with us (we have two other dogs). Today I spent all day researching facilities in my area. Came home and had a major blowup with her because she is no longer reading the notes with instructions that I leave, and is overfeeding the dogs. I suppose I could just move the dog food to someplace where she cannot find it. But that is just one example. I can't leave her alone long enough to even go grocery shopping, or out to dinner with my daughter. I offer to bring mom with us, but she never wants to go. Then when we get home I get the tirade of how panicked she was because she didn't know where we were (big note on the refrigerator every time I leave the house). I'm at my wits end and the end of my rope. I tried rationally discussing a possible move, mainly because she is so miserable here, and sad and angry all the time. She of course wants to go back "home" to a state 1500 miles away. Without going into the gory details, I'll just say that I didn't handle this well, and perhaps she really would be better off not living with me any more. Any thoughts or suggestions? Cost is not a problem, she has LTC insurance and other sources of income. I really feel like a failure as a daughter, even though I mentally know this is just a by-product of the dementia. And that I should have handled it much better than I did tonight.
Best wishes for you,
Carol
It totally stinks, even though I know I am doing what is best for her. She needs a better quality of life and better supervision that she gets here.
The movers come Monday, because the sooner the better, trying to minimize the amount of time she needs to be anxious about this. I did get a mild sedative from her doctor to get past the hump. She was a basket case for almost 3 days. This at least takes the edge off.
This facility has a high level of care, and a sister facility with a secure memory unit when the time comes. This has been the longest week of my life.
I suggest you increase the in-home care while you are looking for a suitable care center for her.
So we moved her in yesterday, and introduced her to one friendly new neighbor, and sent her down to the dining hall to eat, where I was told by staff that she did okay. There were a few snafu's.
I did have to go back today because her LTC insurance had a nurse come do another assessment (third one in a week, all by different doctors and nurses). It was lunchtime when I got there, and she seemed to be doing okay with the other two women at her table. So I watched until they were done and went in. Mom was not happy to see me because she is still angry with me.
Then the nurse came and did the assessment, She did not do very well at all. Then I brought in more of her stuff from home, and left.
I will contact the staff tomorrow to get any suggestions as to how often I should visit. Because even though she was mad, she asked if I was staying for dinner and I told her I had to get to the dump before it closed to get the broken furniture out of my truck.
I am praying that she will start to feel better about this soon.
As for Mom wanting to "go home", the home usually is the childhood home where life was simpler and happy. Rarely is it the previous house she lived in.
Just remember, not all of us are cut out to be hands-on caregivers, I wasn't, so don't feel like you were a failure. Think of it this way, not everyone can be a brain surgeon, a pilot, a construction worker, or a U.S. Senator.
I also worked, and my Dad lived on his own in his own house, so I hired around the clock caregivers for him. He was delighted to have all that attention, and the gals/guys were very protective of him, making sure he wasn't getting into any mischief.
Eventually my Dad needed to move into Memory Care. He really enjoyed the place, no more scary stairs to deal with, great meals, housekeeping, linen service, and he was able to bring two of his favorite caregivers so when he woke up in the morning, they were there to help him start his day. Plus he liked being around people closer to his age.... he liked seeing all the rolling walkers :)
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