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My mother with dementia has been living with me for 3 1/2 years. Nine months ago I hired an agency to send a home companion for 5 1/2 hours per day during the week while I work. This leaves mom alone for maybe an hour and a half in the afternoon. Mom has been getting progressively worse with her short term memory and reasoning, especially in the past seven days since my daughter's dog came to live with us (we have two other dogs). Today I spent all day researching facilities in my area. Came home and had a major blowup with her because she is no longer reading the notes with instructions that I leave, and is overfeeding the dogs. I suppose I could just move the dog food to someplace where she cannot find it. But that is just one example. I can't leave her alone long enough to even go grocery shopping, or out to dinner with my daughter. I offer to bring mom with us, but she never wants to go. Then when we get home I get the tirade of how panicked she was because she didn't know where we were (big note on the refrigerator every time I leave the house). I'm at my wits end and the end of my rope. I tried rationally discussing a possible move, mainly because she is so miserable here, and sad and angry all the time. She of course wants to go back "home" to a state 1500 miles away. Without going into the gory details, I'll just say that I didn't handle this well, and perhaps she really would be better off not living with me any more. Any thoughts or suggestions? Cost is not a problem, she has LTC insurance and other sources of income. I really feel like a failure as a daughter, even though I mentally know this is just a by-product of the dementia. And that I should have handled it much better than I did tonight.

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DownSouth, oh dear, I believe your Mom's dementia is to a point where she just cannot understand notes anymore.... it's not her fault, her brain is broken.

As for Mom wanting to "go home", the home usually is the childhood home where life was simpler and happy. Rarely is it the previous house she lived in.

Just remember, not all of us are cut out to be hands-on caregivers, I wasn't, so don't feel like you were a failure. Think of it this way, not everyone can be a brain surgeon, a pilot, a construction worker, or a U.S. Senator.

I also worked, and my Dad lived on his own in his own house, so I hired around the clock caregivers for him. He was delighted to have all that attention, and the gals/guys were very protective of him, making sure he wasn't getting into any mischief.

Eventually my Dad needed to move into Memory Care. He really enjoyed the place, no more scary stairs to deal with, great meals, housekeeping, linen service, and he was able to bring two of his favorite caregivers so when he woke up in the morning, they were there to help him start his day. Plus he liked being around people closer to his age.... he liked seeing all the rolling walkers :)
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Yes, it is time. Dig out the financial documents and pick a facility.
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Is Mom still alone 1 & 1/2 hours a day? It really does sound like her dementia is beyond that, and she cannot be safely left alone at all. (Dementia does usually reach that point.)

I suggest you increase the in-home care while you are looking for a suitable care center for her.
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It sounds like you asked and answered your own question....it sounds like you need to move your mom and you came here for some support.

When caregiving becomes endless and there is no hope for a "better, brighter day"....yes, it's time to consider moving her.

With a LTC policy, price will not be a huge issue and that gives you a lot of options. Of course it is sad that she cannot go "home" but most of us don't get what we "want"...in many ways your mom is lucky because you'll have more options and can be a little choosy about where you move her.

If she can no longer follow simple written instructions, then the next step may be starting the stove on fire, or some such catastrophe. You don't want that.
Can you take mom along on some "in home visits" to ALF's? She may give you a lot of pushback, but in the long run (even the short run, sounds like she's going downhill steadily) you will be assured of her safety. She may even make a lot of new friends and find activities that suit her.

I agree with Jeanne--if she cannot be left alone for 1-1/2 hours now--increase the in home care for longer hours. Make 2017 the year you make both your life and your mom's better.
(Personally, I WISH my mom would let us move her to an ALF.She would be much happier. She goes to Bingo once a week and to the grocery store once a week and that's it. She's bored senseless. She also has a LTC which will never be used. Daddy bought it so we wouldn't have the exact dynamic going on that we have now....mother being 100% reliant on us kids. The brother with whom she lives is being a little cruel to her--nothing overt, he's just exhausted.
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I'd read your mom's LTC insurance policy to see what's covered. Does it require that a doctor prescribe AL or Nursing home care? I'd get those details upfront, so you know what the coverage requires.

It sounds like she does need constant supervision. I recall the notes that I used to write for my cousin. She would forget to read them and even if she did read them in front of me....she didn't understand what the words meant. I'd be cautious from here forward. She might leave on a stove, put foil in the microwave, etc. It once took me over an hour to locate the tv cable box that my cousin had put into the kitchen cupboard. lol She had no memory of doing it.

Since she has no support system in that home that is 1500 miles away, I'd try to just distract her from that. She likely doesn't really mean that place anyway. I'd arrange to have lunch at one of the facilities that you have contacted and take her with you. Have a tour and explain that they offer much that would amuse her during the day. She would always have someone to help her and lots of people that may be friends with her.

I would inquire in DETAIL what level of care she needs so you can select the correct facility. Initially, my loved one's needs were met in a regular AL, but, she has Vascular Dementia and her decline happened quickly, so that after a couple of months, she needed Memory Care and had to be transferred.

Some AL's are just not equipped or trained to manage someone with significant dementia. A professional assessor and/or admissions director of the facility should be able to provide info on how they determine the level of care needed.
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Found an ALF that is practically 4 star level, signed her up for a full one bedroom apartment, and have been living the nightmare of dealing with her endless loop questions. All that she can retain is that I don't want her to live here any more.

It totally stinks, even though I know I am doing what is best for her. She needs a better quality of life and better supervision that she gets here.

The movers come Monday, because the sooner the better, trying to minimize the amount of time she needs to be anxious about this. I did get a mild sedative from her doctor to get past the hump. She was a basket case for almost 3 days. This at least takes the edge off.

This facility has a high level of care, and a sister facility with a secure memory unit when the time comes. This has been the longest week of my life.
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DownSouth -- all good! Even if it doesn't always feel thay way. What you just described is the perfect course of action. Do not give any credence to mom's protests; it's her broken brain talking. And yes, it's sad as h*ll. Your mind always goes back to the time when your conversations with mom were real.....when you weren't her keeper.....when your life wasn't subsumed by this stranger who inhabits your mother's body. Move forward with your current plan. It's the best thing for mom. And for you.
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Absolutely correct Black. Doing all the right stuff. Stick to your guns. None of this is her fault or your fault. It's hard but keep it moving. Good luck.
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DownSouth, Hugs to you. You are doing the right thing. Hard but the right thing. Just remember, things are going to get worse and like everyone has said, the mother you had is either gone or going and the person left is someone with a broken brain. Hugs Hugs Hugs.
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If you found a facility that has a memory care, then you are absolutely doing the right thing. So lucky that you have the resources, and I agree with the other posting that when they say they want to go home, it REALLY means that they want to go back to the home where they were young and healthy. Hope she finds activities to distract her and some new friends. Hang in there.
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downsouth - well done This is the right thing for your mum and for you. She will likely do better there and so will you with her in a facility. Give her some time to settle in before you visit. Check with the staff to see what they recommend. (((((hugs))))) to you.
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Update. It was a heartbreaking week of doctors visits for mild sedatives, forms, leases signed, packing and movers, all while having my mother accusing me of shipping her out, abandoning her, and because her short term memory is gone, a litany of repetitive questions and accusations. I know it is the dementia talking, but I feel badly that this is causing such emotional pain for her.

So we moved her in yesterday, and introduced her to one friendly new neighbor, and sent her down to the dining hall to eat, where I was told by staff that she did okay. There were a few snafu's.

I did have to go back today because her LTC insurance had a nurse come do another assessment (third one in a week, all by different doctors and nurses). It was lunchtime when I got there, and she seemed to be doing okay with the other two women at her table. So I watched until they were done and went in. Mom was not happy to see me because she is still angry with me.

Then the nurse came and did the assessment, She did not do very well at all. Then I brought in more of her stuff from home, and left.

I will contact the staff tomorrow to get any suggestions as to how often I should visit. Because even though she was mad, she asked if I was staying for dinner and I told her I had to get to the dump before it closed to get the broken furniture out of my truck.

I am praying that she will start to feel better about this soon.
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DownSouth - (((hugs)))) You have done very well. Sounds like your mum is doing OK too, considering that she is just moving in. I expect they will tell you to take a break of a week or two. These transitions, though necessary, are hard on everyone. I wish there was an easier way, but many seniors resist moving onto the next phase of their lives, When they have dementia it is understandable. That doesn't make it any easier on them or their care giver. Take some time now to look after you. I know downsizing is a considerable task, but do some good things for you - a massage, a mani and pedi, a good movie... Do whatever will give you a lift. You have earned it.
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DownSouth: BIG HUGS! You couldn't continue on as it was. You'd crack up!
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DownSouth: Do NOT beat yourself over it! You will become ill. I likely could have lost my mind taking care of my late mother. I got through it by using this forum!
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take a DEEP breath -- you know in your heart what should be done.....It sucks for sure, BUT when you are sacrificing your own peace of mind / sanity / family its time......Your mom (Im guessing) realizes your struggle and she probably knows its time for assisted living......................YOU are strong enough to let her go (just around the corner) you have not let her down - - You have simply LOVED her














Take a deep
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You did the right thing, but she may never admit it and might continue to heap guilt on you. She will save special treatment for you even if she is fine with staff and other residents. Whatever you do, stay strong and don't let her convince you to bring her back to your house. I'm six months into my mother's move to AL and she begs me to come home even though staff says she is adjusting fine. It is obvious she is saving special treatment for me. Best of luck to you.
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It's time to get the LTC insurance in place and help her move. Drop the guilt. You've done so much and are not a failure. This is in her best interest as well as yours. She may find a whole new social life in assisted living (after an adjustment period). Expect complaints, resistance and all that goes with it, but it's time.
Best wishes for you,
Carol
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You did the right thing. I know from experience this part can also be hard on both of you and stressful. What helped my dad was getting on a low dose of Buspar to help with the anxiety. At first he hated it, thought we were being mean etc. and now he LOVES it. Says he likes it better than independent living because he does more activities and knows more people. The staff is so kind and he gets his hugs. I had to learn to set boundaries and I realize I don't need to go over all the time. In fact at first, too much will hinder her from acclimating. A staff social worker can come visit mom there too. The STML is the pits as that is my dad's issue too. We call him Teflon Don because nothing sticks. Just know that it will get better. When I used to think I had to handle it all and dash over there my sister, who is an R.N. would ask," is he bleeding from an orifrice or near death?" If the answer was no, then it could wait. I've learned to let the staff handle the issues there, that's why they are there. That way I can enjoy being a daughter. Best to you as you regain some sense of freedom in your life and your mother gets the care and socialization she needs.
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If money is no object and you are still working, leave her with professionals (in a facility) so you can relieve yourself of the guilt and shame you say you are feeling. Dementia is not easy to deal with, especially when the patient can still talk. They will say hurtful things to you and press your vulnerable weak spots. For now, feed the dogs before you go to work, hide any other food, otherwise the dogs will end up 200 lbs. You cannot leave your mother alone. She will forget to look at the refrigerator to know where and when you will return, and the "home" most dementia patients talk about is the childhood home where their mother and father raised them. My suggestion for now is to hire someone for the time you will not be home, start looking into facilities, maybe find another home for the third dog (3 dogs is a lot of stimuli), and remove yourself from a situation when you know you will become angry and argumentative. A dementia patient is like a drunk. YOU will never win an argument with them. They will even forget what the argument was about and think about nothing. If you value your own well-being, it is time for your mother to be cared for by professionals. You can visit. Have a New Happy New Year!
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DownSouth, I went through the same thing with my mom 31/2 years ago. She lived in her own, in a Senior Apartment complex, but I kept a close eye. It's not easy for someone who is not trained in elder care to recognize the signs of dementia. Symptoms creep up very slowly. None of us wants to believe that the person who brought us into this world and raised us has now reversed roles with us and WE are now the parent and they are the child. In addition to dealing with the emotional baggage, we are also charged with relocating our parent to a facility and dealing with finances, future planning, and our own lives. I was extraordinarily lucky that my mom kept meticulous financial records and she went to a facility that couldn't have been more helpful to me.. But it was still difficult to take that final step. Mom was a drama queen who was not happy unless she was unhappy. One of the last coherent things she told me was that she hoped my kids never did to me what I did to her (putting her in a facility). It took a long time for me to convince myself that I had made the right decision. As I stumbled through the days after, I realized there were MANY signs she was ready for skilled care. I'm still realizing them now. It began with a little voice in the back of my mind that kept repeating, "She's ready. You've done the right thing." I now realize that for a few years, as dementia began to take its hold on Mom, I tried to rationalize it. She was my MOM after all. SHE was in charge and I had to keep her happy and do as SHE wished. It almost came at the expense of my own sanity. When she told me a few months ago that she was leaving "this hellhole" to go live with her mother and father back in the 1930's, I had my epiphany. Dementia doesn't get better. It only gets worse. There is no battle against it. The people who suffer from it until our only option is to keep them safe. Some people with dementia, like my father-in-law, stay calm and childlike. And some, like my mom, fight tooth and nail and strike out at whoever is closest at the time, sometimes physically. I confess that in 2017, I am going to find a therapist and this might not be a bad idea for you as well. Or at least a support group. At some point in the (hopefully near) future, you will make peace with yourself that you've done the right thing.
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I could have almost written your story. Others have given you good advice. We were in the same situation. I am having health problems myself and it was getting difficult to care for my Mom 24/7. I did have someone coming in to shower her twice a week. My eye doctor actually told me about a woman that helps with placements. I was looking at assisted living but, after assessment, my mother needs more help then that. There are a few, smaller care homes, licensed by the State. Most only have 6 residents which makes there tio of caregiver to patient lower. I was lucky that she seemed to understand we were pretty much house bound. Sge has been in one fir about 5 months now and has adjusted pretty well. Her dementia has gotten worse. I now go about every other day to visit and check on things. So far, so good. You might want to see about one of these if your Mom can't handle a large facikity.
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DownSouth, my heart goes out to you. I've been in similar shoes and it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. My mother has been in her new home two months now and she has settled somewhat but it hasn't been easy on either of us. There are good days and bad ones but more good than bad now. You've done the right thing!
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Down South, to Care for a Love One with Demensia or Alzheimers You kneed to have a barrel of patience, a tonne of Love, and un limited Time.
Those Who suffer these conditions kneed to feel calmness, They kneed to feel Loved, I mean really feel Loved, and never rushed. It's always best to never inform Them of a change until five minutes before the change happens...as Our Elders can not cope with change. Why have a Loved One worry kneedlessly, Finally Down South if Your Dear Mother has the funds to go into a Nursing Care Home Facility good for Your Mom.. When I was growing up I often heard My Mother say WHEN I GET OLD " I HOPE NONE OF MY CHILDREN WILL PUT ME INTO THE COUNTY HOME " and I was only delighted to take Care of Mom at home where She was most content. When Mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's I knew this was going to be Our final journey Together, and We had a beautiful time singing old Irish songs, and reciting poetry in Gaelic, I did many recitations which Mom loved, We went for drives to the coast on the good days, and on the days that Mom was not up to it We just chatted at home. It can be beautiful if You allow it to be.
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I don't really have much constructive to offer, other than to say I understand... My Mom, unfortunately, didn't get a LTC setup, and didn't have Medicare Part B, so unfortunately she ended up paying "out of pocket" with all her savings until she was destitute enough to qualify for Medicaid... Originally, she was mentally bright but had fallen and broke her hip and wrist and was further damaged by a careless skilled nursing facility, so a year and a half later, she is in a nursing home (she hates), and her memory isn't great, although she's light years ahead of most of the poor souls around her... Of course, she desperately wants to come home, but that's just not possible full-time. It's just me to handle all of it, and I'm 67 with COPD/Emphysema and arthritis, etc., so not the energy resources I need. I brought her home Xmas day, which was pretty great because that's the first time she's been home since she fell! I've told her she won't be able to come home full-time, and what I'm trying to work toward is to have her home maybe 2 days/week, overnight, and the home can take care of the rest... That would give me time to do things and recover in between! Anyway, you should not feel guilty in the least - you have already gone above and beyond, and your Mom would be really proud and grateful if she could understand and wasn't in a "ME first, help!" state. (That's what I think when my Mom gets angry, or sarcastic, or accusing while trying to get me to capitulate to do what she wants! She would never want to put me through this either if she could think beyond her self-preservation and misery instincts! Good luck and take care of yourself!
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You're not a failure! It's time to move her to an assisted living unit or memory care. LOL
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I hear you! You COULD NOT GO ON AS IT WAS!
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Do not feel guilty, sad but it is time to get on with your life and you will be more at ease knowing she will be safe. You are blessed that she has LTC, perhaps because she was thinking ahead for this very situation. Take care of yourself, it is important or you will be the one needing care.
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Downsouth probably feels guilty because he/she knows this (or the hospital) is the last place mom will be before she passes.
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DownSouth - you did the right thing. Remember dementia is a progressive disease and she will get worse. You are very fortunate since money was not an issue.

Others may disagree with me, but maybe you should not visit her for awhile. A week or two. She may forget that you placed her there. I personally could not admit my mom, so I hired a geriatric care manager to do it for me. You stated you feel like and failure and you could of done better. Boy do I understand this. Caring for the elderly is hard, caring for a dementia relative is heart breaking. I think you are did an outstanding job. You cared for you mom for 3.5 years. And you found a wonderful ALF for her to live in. This is never easy.

My mon also speaks of her childhood home (not the one she lived in for 60 years) and her parents. Take comfort in this will soon become her new reality and she will adjust. There is a transition period. Mom has no recollection of living with me for 2.5 years. Sometimes I am her sister, and sometimes I am her daughter. She moved to a memory care unit this past August.

Go do something for yourself and distress. Also find out it the ALF has a support group or a family council that you can join. The support will be very helpful.
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