Totally overwhelmed, is it time to move mom to assisted living or memory care?
My mother with dementia has been living with me for 3 1/2 years. Nine months ago I hired an agency to send a home companion for 5 1/2 hours per day during the week while I work. This leaves mom alone for maybe an hour and a half in the afternoon. Mom has been getting progressively worse with her short term memory and reasoning, especially in the past seven days since my daughter's dog came to live with us (we have two other dogs). Today I spent all day researching facilities in my area. Came home and had a major blowup with her because she is no longer reading the notes with instructions that I leave, and is overfeeding the dogs. I suppose I could just move the dog food to someplace where she cannot find it. But that is just one example. I can't leave her alone long enough to even go grocery shopping, or out to dinner with my daughter. I offer to bring mom with us, but she never wants to go. Then when we get home I get the tirade of how panicked she was because she didn't know where we were (big note on the refrigerator every time I leave the house). I'm at my wits end and the end of my rope. I tried rationally discussing a possible move, mainly because she is so miserable here, and sad and angry all the time. She of course wants to go back "home" to a state 1500 miles away. Without going into the gory details, I'll just say that I didn't handle this well, and perhaps she really would be better off not living with me any more. Any thoughts or suggestions? Cost is not a problem, she has LTC insurance and other sources of income. I really feel like a failure as a daughter, even though I mentally know this is just a by-product of the dementia. And that I should have handled it much better than I did tonight.
And then the sales director caught up with me on my way out and told me that the owner of the facility had been out to visit, and to see the new wing where the new apartments are, and after seeing the model, the director took him to see mom's setup, and of course mom was in her glory showing off her place. And then the director told me that mom told them "at first I was not happy here, but now I really like it!"
Of course she still won't tell me that. Last week she told me that she was lonely, and I told her that now that was her choice, that on the farm she didn't have any choice, but at the ALF there are people and activities, and that if she choses to stay in her apartment and be lonely that's on her. Then she told me that the people are boring. So she does try to make me feel badly that she has to live there, but I'm not buying it.
Mom appears to be adjusting, she has good days where she tells me that she likes it, and that everyone thinks her paintings and her apartment are "stunning", and other days when she calls crying that she hates it and is lonely and does not understand why she has to be there. I give her the short answer, that she can no longer live alone, and I have to work. When she asks who says she can't live alone, I tell her it was three doctors and five nurses. And I tell her to please go to see what activities are going on and that I will see her on the weekend.
She has not called in two days, and I think it helps that I put a dry erase board on her refrigerator that I write on to tell her when my next visit is (which is tomorrow). Hopefully she will be having a good day.
The staff tells me they think she is making progress, which is good. One of the residents I spoke with last week told me she has lived there for 7 years, because she has epilepsy, and that she hated it for the first 18 months because she had to share a room, now she has her own room and a lovely dog, and she is very happy there. Most of the residents I speak with tell me that same thing, that at first they hated it and now they like it.
Fingers crossed! And I am feeling much better about this, the stress relief is amazing, I had no idea how badly it was affecting my own quality of life, and I feel that as mom's quality of life improves as she adjusts, I will be happier to spend time with her.
Even if she IS 'mad at you' - so what? You did the right thing. I can guarantee if she was still living in her own home she would be every bit as mad at you for something or other, and unless she has the wits to call the police/an attorney/someone who cares - really, she will do fine. Because she won't be getting any better. And you've done enough.
I did speak with her best friend on the phone, the one that lives 1500 miles away, and that has been talking to her on the phone whenever mom calls her. She said mom seemed a bit more mellow, but still angry with me, which is fine, I have broad shoulders.
She didn't call me at all this week, and didn't answer the few times that I did call, but since she had called her friend a few times, I guess she has not lost the phone yet.
Summer55, hugs to you and thanks for the words of encouragement. I am hopeful that my mother will start to feel more secure with a regular routine to follow and activities to get involved with. That was the other problem, my life is chaos and I was not able to provide a steady daily routine. At least in the ALF she knows when and where the meals are served. And she has figured out how to get to the activity center.
I just spend another hour in her two walk in closets here, finding clothing that will fit, it's sad, because she used to be very organized in her closets, sorted by type, sleeve length and color. . . and now it is a jumbled up mess. So I am only bringing items that fit currently, that are not stained, and will be cute and make cute outfits for her.
Her sister who is one year older has been in a memory unit for the past 3 years. I got the call today that she has reached the end stages, cannot swallow, her body is shutting down, so it is just a matter of days. She is 1500 miles away from us, so when the time comes I will tell mom that she passed peacefully and that there is no funeral to attend.
I'll let you all know how the visit goes this weekend.
You can spend a few hours one weekend day with her. That's what I used to do. It good to hear that you both are making progress with this!
Today I went to bring her paintings to be hung, which will take all weekend for the amount of art work she has produced. I thought it would help to make it feel a bit more like home to her to have her familiar things around her.
Our friend and neighbor came along also, to be a diversion for mom while I was trying to get the paintings hung. She told me she went to visit yesterday, and found mom up in the activity area enjoying a sing along with a guitar player. My neighbor told me that as soon as mom saw her, she face dropped and she started with the litany. . . so apparently if she has what she feels is an audience she starts, and the rest of the time she is fine.
Since I have to work and the place goes into lockdown at 6pm, the only time I can visit is weekends anyway, and I'm not going to make a habit of spending all my spare time there.
When I left at dinner time, I walked her to the dining hall, gave her a kiss and as she walked in she was waving to her new friends. And I could hear them all say "is that your daughter?" I have to wonder what she has told them exactly,
There was one gentleman with the cutest little dog today, and one other resident had family visiting with their pets, one of which was a rabbit on a leash!
The activities director is going to purchase a Roku box, and they can use my mother's Met On Demand account to watch opera in the pub that is right across the hall from mom's apartment, on one of the two giant screen TV's in there.
I do expect her attitude to get better as she makes friends and gets involved in the activities.
I'll keep you all posted on how it goes.
Others may disagree with me, but maybe you should not visit her for awhile. A week or two. She may forget that you placed her there. I personally could not admit my mom, so I hired a geriatric care manager to do it for me. You stated you feel like and failure and you could of done better. Boy do I understand this. Caring for the elderly is hard, caring for a dementia relative is heart breaking. I think you are did an outstanding job. You cared for you mom for 3.5 years. And you found a wonderful ALF for her to live in. This is never easy.
My mon also speaks of her childhood home (not the one she lived in for 60 years) and her parents. Take comfort in this will soon become her new reality and she will adjust. There is a transition period. Mom has no recollection of living with me for 2.5 years. Sometimes I am her sister, and sometimes I am her daughter. She moved to a memory care unit this past August.
Go do something for yourself and distress. Also find out it the ALF has a support group or a family council that you can join. The support will be very helpful.
Those Who suffer these conditions kneed to feel calmness, They kneed to feel Loved, I mean really feel Loved, and never rushed. It's always best to never inform Them of a change until five minutes before the change happens...as Our Elders can not cope with change. Why have a Loved One worry kneedlessly, Finally Down South if Your Dear Mother has the funds to go into a Nursing Care Home Facility good for Your Mom.. When I was growing up I often heard My Mother say WHEN I GET OLD " I HOPE NONE OF MY CHILDREN WILL PUT ME INTO THE COUNTY HOME " and I was only delighted to take Care of Mom at home where She was most content. When Mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's I knew this was going to be Our final journey Together, and We had a beautiful time singing old Irish songs, and reciting poetry in Gaelic, I did many recitations which Mom loved, We went for drives to the coast on the good days, and on the days that Mom was not up to it We just chatted at home. It can be beautiful if You allow it to be.
Best wishes for you,
Carol
Take a deep