My mother with dementia has been living with me for 3 1/2 years. Nine months ago I hired an agency to send a home companion for 5 1/2 hours per day during the week while I work. This leaves mom alone for maybe an hour and a half in the afternoon. Mom has been getting progressively worse with her short term memory and reasoning, especially in the past seven days since my daughter's dog came to live with us (we have two other dogs). Today I spent all day researching facilities in my area. Came home and had a major blowup with her because she is no longer reading the notes with instructions that I leave, and is overfeeding the dogs. I suppose I could just move the dog food to someplace where she cannot find it. But that is just one example. I can't leave her alone long enough to even go grocery shopping, or out to dinner with my daughter. I offer to bring mom with us, but she never wants to go. Then when we get home I get the tirade of how panicked she was because she didn't know where we were (big note on the refrigerator every time I leave the house). I'm at my wits end and the end of my rope. I tried rationally discussing a possible move, mainly because she is so miserable here, and sad and angry all the time. She of course wants to go back "home" to a state 1500 miles away. Without going into the gory details, I'll just say that I didn't handle this well, and perhaps she really would be better off not living with me any more. Any thoughts or suggestions? Cost is not a problem, she has LTC insurance and other sources of income. I really feel like a failure as a daughter, even though I mentally know this is just a by-product of the dementia. And that I should have handled it much better than I did tonight.
So we moved her in yesterday, and introduced her to one friendly new neighbor, and sent her down to the dining hall to eat, where I was told by staff that she did okay. There were a few snafu's.
I did have to go back today because her LTC insurance had a nurse come do another assessment (third one in a week, all by different doctors and nurses). It was lunchtime when I got there, and she seemed to be doing okay with the other two women at her table. So I watched until they were done and went in. Mom was not happy to see me because she is still angry with me.
Then the nurse came and did the assessment, She did not do very well at all. Then I brought in more of her stuff from home, and left.
I will contact the staff tomorrow to get any suggestions as to how often I should visit. Because even though she was mad, she asked if I was staying for dinner and I told her I had to get to the dump before it closed to get the broken furniture out of my truck.
I am praying that she will start to feel better about this soon.
It totally stinks, even though I know I am doing what is best for her. She needs a better quality of life and better supervision that she gets here.
The movers come Monday, because the sooner the better, trying to minimize the amount of time she needs to be anxious about this. I did get a mild sedative from her doctor to get past the hump. She was a basket case for almost 3 days. This at least takes the edge off.
This facility has a high level of care, and a sister facility with a secure memory unit when the time comes. This has been the longest week of my life.
It sounds like she does need constant supervision. I recall the notes that I used to write for my cousin. She would forget to read them and even if she did read them in front of me....she didn't understand what the words meant. I'd be cautious from here forward. She might leave on a stove, put foil in the microwave, etc. It once took me over an hour to locate the tv cable box that my cousin had put into the kitchen cupboard. lol She had no memory of doing it.
Since she has no support system in that home that is 1500 miles away, I'd try to just distract her from that. She likely doesn't really mean that place anyway. I'd arrange to have lunch at one of the facilities that you have contacted and take her with you. Have a tour and explain that they offer much that would amuse her during the day. She would always have someone to help her and lots of people that may be friends with her.
I would inquire in DETAIL what level of care she needs so you can select the correct facility. Initially, my loved one's needs were met in a regular AL, but, she has Vascular Dementia and her decline happened quickly, so that after a couple of months, she needed Memory Care and had to be transferred.
Some AL's are just not equipped or trained to manage someone with significant dementia. A professional assessor and/or admissions director of the facility should be able to provide info on how they determine the level of care needed.
When caregiving becomes endless and there is no hope for a "better, brighter day"....yes, it's time to consider moving her.
With a LTC policy, price will not be a huge issue and that gives you a lot of options. Of course it is sad that she cannot go "home" but most of us don't get what we "want"...in many ways your mom is lucky because you'll have more options and can be a little choosy about where you move her.
If she can no longer follow simple written instructions, then the next step may be starting the stove on fire, or some such catastrophe. You don't want that.
Can you take mom along on some "in home visits" to ALF's? She may give you a lot of pushback, but in the long run (even the short run, sounds like she's going downhill steadily) you will be assured of her safety. She may even make a lot of new friends and find activities that suit her.
I agree with Jeanne--if she cannot be left alone for 1-1/2 hours now--increase the in home care for longer hours. Make 2017 the year you make both your life and your mom's better.
(Personally, I WISH my mom would let us move her to an ALF.She would be much happier. She goes to Bingo once a week and to the grocery store once a week and that's it. She's bored senseless. She also has a LTC which will never be used. Daddy bought it so we wouldn't have the exact dynamic going on that we have now....mother being 100% reliant on us kids. The brother with whom she lives is being a little cruel to her--nothing overt, he's just exhausted.
I suggest you increase the in-home care while you are looking for a suitable care center for her.
As for Mom wanting to "go home", the home usually is the childhood home where life was simpler and happy. Rarely is it the previous house she lived in.
Just remember, not all of us are cut out to be hands-on caregivers, I wasn't, so don't feel like you were a failure. Think of it this way, not everyone can be a brain surgeon, a pilot, a construction worker, or a U.S. Senator.
I also worked, and my Dad lived on his own in his own house, so I hired around the clock caregivers for him. He was delighted to have all that attention, and the gals/guys were very protective of him, making sure he wasn't getting into any mischief.
Eventually my Dad needed to move into Memory Care. He really enjoyed the place, no more scary stairs to deal with, great meals, housekeeping, linen service, and he was able to bring two of his favorite caregivers so when he woke up in the morning, they were there to help him start his day. Plus he liked being around people closer to his age.... he liked seeing all the rolling walkers :)