So, they've both reached 90. She has severe dementia, and mobility issues. Not taking care of herself, barely anyway. She's been told by numerous doctors that she either needs 24/7 care or to move to a facility. Dad has mobility issues, cannot hear, and is beginning his own decline mentally. They've gone as far as they can with the PCA's, visiting nurses, help from family and neighbors, stairlift, Medalert, meals on wheels etc. But now it's time to go. The house is unsafe, my mom yells at the nurses because she's jealous they're going to fool around with my dad (hence no more in-home nurses for us!). Dad's going to a brothers house and mom's going to a facilty. We're investigating all our different options and he as renovated his house for them. We've been talking about this gently for a while now, gradually getting more insistent but now we have essentially created a deadline for which we will move them. We've tried to spell it out as simply and kindly as possible numerous times in various ways and tried to present them with various options to help them feel in control. Mom's mad and confused and he's sort of accepting but is beginning to talk about reasons why he can't go, so we think he will outright refuse when the day comes or at least continue to stall and procrastinate. They most certainly will not pack their own belongings or make their own preparations. We will have to do that. Neither one of them will be driving out, will have to ride with us and she will get medical transport. So how's this going to work? Our resolve is strong because it's all become a logistical nightmare and the whole situation is so unsafe for them and we have professional backing to move them out. It's going to be really difficult when the time comes next month, I know it.
With mom who was a little more “with it” I had to use the THIS IS JUST TILL YOU GET BETTER fib. With dad who was very confused at this point, I’d take him to have lunch and dinner with mom at the assisted living and told him MOM REALLY NEEDS YOU TO STAY WITH HER AND HELP HER. Moved him in after 3 days.
Also had to fib that insurance covered the cost, not to worry.
I think with your guys you might try a modified “fib”approach instead of head on.
Good luck.
I didn’t like fibbing either but there was no other way I could get anything done for my guys. The carpet cleaner was an old football buddy, the visiting nurse was an old girlfriend and so on. All these folks just happened to stop by ya see. Otherwise no one would have been allowed in the house. I have absolutely no guilt about it.
Having said all that the transition to facility care was a big hot mess for quite awhile, dad looking for his car all day and mom refusing to cooperate with anyone. I had to keep telling myself that at least they were safe. And they were eating like field hands after subsisting on cereal for the last couple years.
Brother and his wife arrived that afternoon. Sister also went over (I was at my house with Daddy, didn't want to face Mom's wrath). Mom was throwing Daddy's belongings out on the porch thinking that he chose to go live with his favorite daughter (what she always said - HE never once said I was his favorite, lol).
By the end of the week, my mother decided she was going to go live out of state with my brother and his wife. Only stopped by our house because we had her meds. Daddy had lost his ability to speak for the most part but got a few angry sounds out (Mom's bottom line was and still is money) when Mom said that they couldn't afford to move Daddy by ambulance. Lucky for us, after much begging, Mom decided to move in with us instead of moving out of state. Even better, she doesn't remember the event at all!
It will be horribly difficult on everyone involved. If your father is the irritable/angry/loud type be prepared for a lot of screaming, yelling, crying, begging, bargaining, etc. Since your Mom is being transported by medical personnel, they will have to listen to her, but hopefully someone will be present when she arrives to calm her down since she will probably be super-agitated.
Since your father is semi-accepting of the move, maybe it won't be as bad.
When my mother-in-law's friend (in his 90s) companion had to be moved from her house because he was taking too much of a toll on her, we called his son to come get him. He had no idea anything was happening until his son showed up at 8 a.m. and started packing his belongings to take with him to another state. He had early stages of dementia and mentally declined rapidly but outlived my mother-in-law by several years.
So, it sounds like your parents may end up very unhappy with the move, and it may cause a physical and/or mental decline and perhaps a rift in your relationship with them and/or each other, but if it has to be done, it has to be done. My heart goes out to you. Please keep us posted on how it works out.
In your situation, I’d figure out someone to blame. Their doctor might work as the target.
You can start with “The doctor’s office called and they need you to take a brief physical, or they’ll cancel your insurance”. This will hopefully get them out of the house. From there, it’s “The doctor asked us to meet at (............)”. That gets you to Mom’s new residence.
When Mom gets into the new residence, set her INSIDE, letting the medical transport personnel bring her inside. When she sees you, introduce some of her care personnel say “We love you dearly. These nice people have been waiting to meet you, and they will help you get used to your new surroundings and take good care of you”. Hugs all around, let the staff take over, THEN LEAVE. Don’t look back, or listen to her protests. (Second hardest thing in the process).
Dad’s situation, arrive at his new home, brother greets him at the door, you all make a limited time visit, say you have to go to a meeting, LEAVE. This will be harder for the home owner but ultimately it’s the only way to help Dad accept the finality of his move. HOME OWNER can say “you need to stay here while (the house is painted, until the bad weather is over, until the electrical system is replaces - something plausible but light on the detail).
These tactics may sound cruel, unethical, dishonest..... but I have had the unfortunate (but loving) responsibility to have become The Family Caregiver for at least 5 decades, through 7 dementia/broken bone/stroke Loved Ones, and I have learned that this is the most painless, but still painful, way for everyone involved.
The majority of us here have been through this. Your feelings and concerns are understood here. Your primary, loving concern is SAFETY. You aware that this must be done. Once there has been a period of adjustment, you will visit, and monitor how things are going. You can call Mom’s placement within a day or two of her arrival and get a report on how she’s doing, or the facility may have a format for separating after admitting. If they don’t tell you, ask them. Everyone is stretched because of the pandemic, but they will want the separation to be as easy as possible.
You love your Mom and Dad, and it is very clear that you do. Be at peace with what you’re doing.
Having both parents go to the same facility is an ideal plan, imo, if done early, or at least timely, like Windyridge had done with his parents.
Because, I observed a couple separated by their adult children, (with best intentions); one went with to live with one daughter, the other with a son who put their diabetic mother in an independent senior apartment, without services. The husband thrived, the wife was dead within two months. It was the husband everyone was concerned about. The mother ended up being neglected because she seemed to be more functional. It was the husband calling to check on his wife of over 55 years together that alerted family to the problem with his wife not answering. So very sad for all. Even so, all couples and their families ability to give care are different.
Unnecessary death, imo. Even dysfunctional couples have mutual bonding that covers their disabilities. The husband's role was to remind her, care for her.
Even though the wife had outbursts (common mood changes with diabetes);
she might have improved in a facility with the proper care. If not, they could have been separated once at the facility. imo.
Family is right to carefully consider all options for keeping their parents together. imo.
I would add a couple things from my own experience.
The first few days I would wait until mom and dad were in the dining room for dinner and take stuff to their room, unpack, fill drawers and hang pictures. Just a little at a time until I had the place fixed up nicely. They hardly noticed.
I also had to pull back on visits. I was the complaint department and my presence reminded them of all things past. So I would sit in the lobby and watch them in the dining room at mealtime, chat with staff and putz around working on the room.
Dad was pretty easy to divert at the point but mom started to figure out this was not temporary. No end of tears and yelling at me. I had to have a come to Jesus talk with her finally. Mom....Things are reversed now. I have to take care of you and dad. I have to do what is best and you’re not always (never as it turned out) going to like it but that’s the way it is.
It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. I was the last person on earth to care for them. No help and doing it long distance. Put 70K miles on my car in short order.
Tell them the house has termites and needs to be tented or the water heater is broken and needs to be replaced, or come up with some other plumbing issue that would drive normal people out of the house for a while.
You mom in particular doesn't need a lot of explanation because she has dementia and pretty much any excuse will work -- or not. The point is, try not to stress about how to do this in a logical manner that will make sense to your folks, because literally nothing will make much sense to them. You just do what needs to be done.
You mention "professional backing" - what is it, please?
I live in central NY and there are several local companies that specialize in senior moves. You might ask a local retirement community or assisted living facility if they know of one.
This company not only packed belongings but were also very good at helping to determine what to keep and move to the apartment. They took care of donating useful items like furniture and home decor and even clothing to local charities. (My parents accepted their verdict about what was junk much more readily from them than they did from me!)
Mom and Dad had lived in their home for 55 years, raised their children there and enjoyed their life. Leaving is very emotional and the staff at this moving company was very experienced with handling not just the physical moving, but the emotional burden that comes along.
Best of luck to you all.
They even help staging the home to sell it! They do much more than you even imagined you needed help with!
Your mom is going to be so lost, unhappy, confused, loney and feel betrayed and more than likely will get depressed and lose the will to live.
You should re think this. Senior Homes are only easier for the Adults putting their love ones into. They show you nice pretty places and tell you what you want to hear but in reality, they are not loving caring homes and are most always understaffed. If your love one gives trouble then they will be given Rx which in turn will sedate them and they will be as a vegetable, not able to communicate, just sitting in a wheelchair strapped so they won't fall out and bedridden where they will end up with Bed Sores. Loss of weight and probably fall trying to get up.
If anyway possible, unless mom needs to be on Life Support, she should stay in her own home, that would be the best place for her.
They could both stay in their own home and hire 24 7 Caregivers. If your mom gets upset with the female caregivers, then hire a male Caregiver for your Dad.
set up a Camera where you are able to check in any time by cell phone or computer.
Or move them both in to brothers home and hire a Caregiver.
In the end if your mom has to go to a home, install a camera in her room to help keep her safe and so you'll be able to view somw of what really goes on, especially with Alzheimers and Dementia patients with short term memory because the loved one can't remember what was done or happened to them to tell you.
I have a 96 yr old Dad that I promised I would never send him to a home and he's got 24 7 Caregivers and I had Nest Cameras installed to be able to check in 24 7 to see what really goes on when I'm not there.
Another idea and less expensive is to hire a Live In which I'll be checking on that in the new year and it would be half the price.
But right now my Dad sleep schedule is off like he sleeps all day and has problems sleeping at night which is fine for 24 7 Caregivers but not for a Live In as they are supposed to be able to get some night time sleep and they have to have their own bedroom and a bathroom they can use.
If your Mom and Dad mostly sleep thru the night, a Live In would be the best option.
Of course 24 7 Caregivers or Live In's are both costly but if your parents have a retirement/savings fund and can afford it, then they will be happier and Live out the rest of their life together and in peace like they should.
Of course theur wojld be No Inheritance Money because it'll all go for their Care.
One more thought, wuth the Corona Virus out they are safer in their own home.
Your Dad can move in with your brother if your mom dies first.
Prayers
your answers are not positive at all!
mil left on heat to high in the summer( 95), oven on broil all day and paper towels left on top of hot stove, we decided she could no longer stay in her condo. Mother-in-law said she would when older/sick go stay in the reformed presbyterian Home(IL, AL and LTCf). After encouraging a move over several months it became clear to us that that was never going to happen if it was left up to her. I spent many hours setting up her life there trusting that it would be fine once we got her there. MIL was told we arranged for a weekend visit as she was acquaintances with several people in assisted-living. On the last day when she thought she was returning home to her condo in Michigan, we explained to her that the doctor said this was necessary for rehab purposes. At this point mother-in-law was probably between stage four and five dementia so still occasionally with-it and always frustrated that she was with such old people ( she was 75), threatening constantly to return to Michigan and wait till she was older to go to the facility. We sold her condo to use the proceeds to pay for her care and it became apparent, we had to sell her condo in 2008 when the market crashed, that her monies would run out way before she expired. So after her condo was sold we took those proceeds And added a first floor room where she had access to laundry, bathroom and sitting area in her bedroom. We did all this and were able to keep her for two years in our home, till she started wandering, keeping up with the eight children while she was wondering became impossible. We moved mother-in-law to a small care home with only 10 residents. She was placed on hospice shortly after. She then broke her Bone just below her pelvis. We declined surgery for that bone as her dementia was already in the late stage 6 to 7. Since she was no longer mobile and we we’re helping her pay to live in the care facility we decided to move her back into the room we had made for her. She lived with us in her room with hospice care, her son my husbands care, my children’s help, and mine, for over two years before she passed. Looking back I might have done things differently had I been aware of the difficulty getting her on Medicaid after spending her money on the room. Knowing what I know now though, I’m glad I did it! I’ve learned a great deal. 2 years after her passing We were blessed to be able to house her sister-in-law who had Parkinson’s the last four years of her life. saving sIL from being put into a nursing home, she was on hospice for the last full year of her life in our home. Both these experiences have taught me so much. I’m contacted often by total strangers to help them navigate how to care for their loved ones, truly I would do it the same way but with a better attitude, understanding the gifts that I’ve received knowledge and compassion. I say all the above to encourage therapeutic fibs, they resolve anxiety for both parties. Emotional outburst are normal for anyone confused and out of control of their life, so be quick with your fib to lessen their stress. Also, in both situations with our loved ones who lived with me I thought each decision I made would be a final/ only decision about how they would live out their last days. those decisions were changed several times to accommodate life for everyone at its best. It was an incredible wake up call when I realized that both would be like children for many years and need total assistance. I think many people that come to this board do so hoping they will receive a different answer than that reality, that there’s a different way, that there is an escape. Sorry, many families will deal with years of care for their parents or spouses. So the learning and growth are there for all of us.
As we have seen posted many times "room and board" is not adequate for a caregiver.
And there are legal limits as to how many hours a person can work.
And taxes for wages must be paid. could be a paperwork headache.
For a couple that has been married many many years separation can cause anxiety, depression, some confusion. Is there a way to move both of them into Memory Care together?
If you are taking furniture for mom take what she will be comfortable with and will know is hers. Dresser, a favorite chair. Clothes all easy to pull on, pull off. Easy wash and dry. A lot of her clothes can probably be packed away or donated. (any vintage items you might want to check value and if of no real value ask at the local High School or Community College if they want items for Theater Group. Same with dad's clothes. And same with his furniture.
Expect slight declines for both of them. It is confusing to get used to someplace new.
You, the family are making the right decision to move them out of their house. It sounds like it is the safest thing to do. (I do wonder if male nurses or Aids would make a difference, would your mom be more accepting of that?)
If father has some cognitive ability, I would tell him that if he does not move to a better environment, that senior services may get involved and they will tell him he has to go. Ask him if he wants others to choose for him or if he wants to control his own destiny. I have just gone through something similar with my 85 yo sister. She had neighbors and friends waiting on her hand and foot and even taking her to the toilet. I told her that one of these days one of them is going to be out of neighborly kindness and call the authorities because she can't take care of herself and they would force her to go to a care facility. I said you can pick one, or they will, which do you want? I had ready choices for her, and she went. Reluctantly, but she went. We had to have her taken by ambulance, that's how bad it was. My brother and I are dealing with this as she has no husband or children, and we are both in our 70s and live in a different city. We will have to deal with all her finances and figuring out what to do with the semi-hoard of things in her apartment, while driving back and forth from our homes.
There is no 'gently' talking about when dementia has taken hold. Of course it will be difficult moving / adjusting to a move. This is to be expected. What needs to change is your awareness about dementia and how to interact with - and communicate - with your loved ones. Only you can change, they cannot due to brain chemistry. It isn't "will' or 'desire' or 'decision making'. It is how the brain has changed.
I think that what I would be telling my Mom at the point where you find yourself with your Mom and Dad would be reassuring things like, "I know this is hard for you. It is hard for me/us, too. I wish you could live as you have for the last 20 years. It just isn't possible anymore. We will do everything we can to help you get used to your new home. I am sure you will like it, once you get used to it." Say "new home" not "memory care" or other words that will arouse fear. I would stress that they will see me just as much and that our visits will be even more enjoyable because we won't have the stress of managing the housekeepers, etc., as someone else will worry about those things. You can count on them having a hard time adjusting. The longer that they have lived in the same house, in their own way, the harder it will be for them to adjust to a new place with new rhythms of life. Be patient with them, please. I know this will be harder on you than you anticipate. Acting as the parent to your parents is so very difficult.
Get them in the car and go. Period. Your overthinking this. They will pick up on your demeanor. Get their belongings after. Or when they aren't looking get a night kit and put it in trunk of car. Like toothbrush, nightgown, change of underwear. Dont show it to them. Dont do it in front of them.
Stop making a big build up about it, or dad will never get in car. Heh dad were gonna for a ride. Act like normal day. Then go. No big production. Only 2 mins before you leave.. not an hour production out of it. No lets have a last look at house. None of that. Point is to get them there not freak them out. Don't feel guilty. You took them as far as they could go at home. Nothing to feel guilt over. You can't do more. Later go back for a suitcase of clothes. Stop making this a gigantic production. It won't help. Thats your guilt taking over. Can have a good cry that eve. Then go visit them the next day and be upbeat for their sake.
Is it me??? Doesn't Dad get a chance to relax at 90? Creating a Nursing Home in their house for 3+ years. It's unbelievable considering my mother's parents were tossed into a nursing home by THEM at 85. I need a plan....