After 2 plus yrs of caring for my now 90 yr Dad, in his own home in CT, it has come to the time when a change must occur. He has secondary Parkinsonism, and vascular dementia. The house is a very old New England colonial, with steep, narrow steps, and little steps going into rooms all over. It's just no longer practical or safe for him to be here.
In addition to that his dementia is reaching stages that I no longer have the skill, or desire, to deal with. He is belligerent, defiant, angry, and abusive and I am done!
So, a decision has been made to move him to a care facility in VA, which is where my home is. This will require long distance transport, of which I am looking into various professional companies who do this kind of thing, so I don't have to take the risk, and bear the stress, of trying to transport him myself.
The challenge is that Dad will not go willingly. He has made it very clear over the yrs that he will "not go to one of those places." I tried to get him to move to VA when he was able, and he refused that as well. Even before the dementia Dad has not been the easiest person to reason with. Right now he still believes he can take care of himself and I should just go home and leave him be. In addition I have become the absolute enemy because I "put him in the hospital when he fell" and I "made him stay at that awful rehab place" (it was actually a good facility!), I'm the one who took away his cane and his car keys, and of course I am living with him and denying him his independence and freedom. Absolutely no ability to see the reality, or to have any appreciation or gratitude for what I am doing, and what I have given up to be here caring for him. So, our relationship is very strained and he is angry at me all the time. Another reason to place him in a care facility.
Any advice on how to tell him he's going to a care facility, what to say, when to say it, and how?? I've thought about bringing together other members of the family-a niece and a nephew still in the area, and an older cousin that dad likes and respects a lot-so I am not the only one telling him and it it's evident is a family decision, not just mine. Kind of like an intervention. Even so, I suspect he will fight it vehemently. Do we tell him the day he's going? Before so he has time to say goodbye to his home? I'm so confused and stressed about what would be the most dignified, kindest way, in the face of his deepening dementia....
When it was thought my MIL would be transported from FLA to GA (7 to 8 hrs) my SIL found the nicest transport. Looked nothing like an ambulance inside. There was a nice comfortable chair for the person going with my MIL. Cost was about 2K. She passed before we had to use it so don't know how the trip would have been.
I've looked at some transport companies. Expensive, but i think it will be worth it.
Sit in front of Dad, look him in the eye and tell him the Doctor says its no longer safe for him to stay in him home. Explain that forgetting to take his meds and not eating or drinking is serious. He could fall and no one is there to help. She needs to be in a Safe place. He will have a nice apartment and make new friends. Have activities she can participate in. Someone will do the cooking, cleanup and cleaning. He can just enjoy being waited on. Tell him if he doesn't like it, then he can go back home (a therapeutic lie). Make him think its his choice. Once he is there, just keep saying he hasn't given it enough time, or the Dr doesn't think it's a good idea.
I like the idea of therapeutic lies... i think i can work with that..
Maybe if you could get his Dr's to write a letter, telling him it is in his best interest, as his Dementia and Parkinson's disease symotoms are only going to worsen with time.
I'm so sorry, this is the hardest time for sure, making those tough decisions, when the LO is in denial, and so angry! Why can they not see that you are doing what's best for them, Sigh.....
Yes, I am DPOA and Dr's are on board. As is everyone in the family.
He will be self pay initially and based on my projections we should be good for 5 yrs, and hopefully will not have to sell the house to pay for his care. I'm assuming he won't last that long.
I have such a hard time with the idea of lying, as he would leave his home not knowing that he will never go back again. I find that heartbreaking and think it would be for him too.