My mom passed two years ago from cancer and shortly afterwards, my 81 year old dad got into two car accidents, totaling both cars (thankfully no one was hurt). He decided not to drive anymore. I was supposed to drive him around temporarily until he could find another solution, but 14 mos later I'm still driving him everywhere. He has had countless doctor's visits (he seems to love going to different doctors, and each appointment creates 3 more), all of which have confirmed he's in pretty good health for an 81 year old. I work as a self-employed nutrition coach and have put my work on hold this last year while I helped him. I have to start working again, financially, and have asked my dad to hire a driver. He can afford to hire help. No matter how I explain it, he doesn't get why I have to work or focus on my own life (I'm a single mom to a 13 year old). He feels I've "cut him out of my life completely." I feel so hurt -- I've done so much for him! I have a brother who lives 90 mins away and he has come up to help my dad only twice since all this happened. It seems so unfair to be turned into the bad guy by my dad after all I've done. Should I just accept that he will never be able to put himself in my shoes? How can I shed the guilt trip he's giving me?
I don't know why some of our parents expect so much of us. I doubt that your father quit his job to drive his parents around. I don't think he should expect you to do it, either. He is probably living in survival mode and trying to grab hold of someone to help him. When elders are in survival mode, they are not seeing the hardship they cause for their children. We do have to take care of ourselves. I hope you can find someone dependable to help him do the things he needs to do.
This is the reason I like independent living communities. There is usually transportation services for the residents. I really don't understand why more seniors don't move into a community when age takes a toll on their abilities. No household maintenance, transportation, gym, people their own age... what is not to like? I personally don't want to spend my life doing lawn care and house maintenance. And it will be great to hop in the short bus to go to the store. I'm going to have the coolest rollator on the block.
I think part of the dilemma of older people using public transit is that they know their family member but don't know bus drivers, until they become acquainted with them. So it's kind of a traumatic experience at first.
Read the website to see if this would help:
http://ci.santa-rosa.ca.us/departments/transit/paratransit_services/pages/default.aspx
Or this: sctransit - check out the paratransit section.
There are also other posts on this subject on this forum:
https://www.agingcare.com/search.aspx?searchterm=small+bus+transportation
Our local transit company has a small bus line which only charges $1.00 one way for anywhere in a 10 mile radius from the pickup point.
I've met some of the drivers of these buses; they know how to operate the vans to use the wheelchair lift, and they're elder friendly, unlike the linehaul bus drivers.
Don't fall for it. Let him know you're not leaving him, but your visits have to be around your career instead of his doctor appointments.
Most old people don't want to spend a nickel. Believe it. Ha!
What become really rough for me was I was starting to get panic attacks driving my parents, part had to do with trying to schedule time off from work which wasn't easy.... just so much stress. They would never ride with a stranger doing the driving.
If I would say to my parents I can't drive, my parents would look at me like my hair was on fire, and then would say "who would drive us?" Guilt trip. My mistake was I kept on driving them :P
Back then my folks should have started to look for a retirement village where transportation is available to the residents.
I know that my cousin could travel with a senior transport company, but it made her nervous. I'd consider that could be what is going on with your dad.
Your son needs your and you need to build your nest egg so you can take care of your own needs when you are your dad's age. Your dad needs you more than you need him (to be blunt), so he'll come around. And I wouldn't expect your brother to drive 90 minutes to take your dad to the doc's office if dad has all of his faculties. But ask brother to do other things for your dad if you can't. Good luck and hold firm!