My MIL, 90 and in good health and mind, has seemingly never-ending visits to her various doctors. I have done the driving for some years, but I have had enough. She has a damaged back for which she has has imaging appointments, visits for shots, many back procedures and follow-ups. Cardiologist twice a year, rheumatologist 4x a year, infusions every 2-3 months, new glasses and ophthalmology appointments, macular degeneration shots 4x a year, various UTI doctor visits maybe every month, then routine stuff as well. At one point there were three visits a week. Perhaps two a week right now. I am sure I missed some in my list.
MIL is in independent living for now, but must use a motorized wheelchair to get around. She is desperate to “get her back fixed” so she can stay, which I understand.
This is insane, and I am done. I haven’t had medical visits for myself in forever—I am burned out from hers. Have any of you just put a lid on the care and said, enough already?!
She has extra insurance coverage, and everything is free with no out-of-pocket. So every new specialist suggested by doctors is fair game.
I have been letting the driver at her IL center take her to many of these in the last six months, but he just drops her off with her walker and she is on her own. She is doing that but it’s not a good plan.
Her own son and daughter (daughter lives far away) are quite willing to let me handle all her care—and think it’s no big deal for me to spend so much time. Their profuse thank-yous aren’t cutting it anymore. I totally freaked them out by saying that when MIL needs to transition to AL, it needs to be near her own daughter. Her son, my hubby, will NOT participate, even when he is off work (he works on a project basis.)
This is is maybe more of a rant, but any suggestions on how to dial this back? It’s gotten crazy, and frankly I just don’t want to do this anymore.
I think it's ridiculous how predatory the healthcare industry is with our elders. They seem to assume their elderly patients (and their advocates) will accept without question as many tests and "follow up" appointments as they deem necessary. I agree... it is out of control.
And if you question any of it, including any of the medications they want to keep them on so they can all live to be 140 years old, they get rather huffy.
Seems like a pretty good scam to me.
Also the compartmentalization of doctors and services. For MIL's rheumatologist, there are four infusions each year. Each infusion requires a separate visit to a lab for blood work. If the blood work is off, or if MIL gets sick, another lab visit is required. Medicare no longer allows the doctor to do her "doctor visit" at the same time as her infusion, so those are a separate visit as well. So right there, for just one of her routine therapies, we have about 12 trips to doctors and labs. ALL the things are like that.
"And if you question any of it, including any of the medications they want to keep them on so they can all live to be 140 years old, they get rather huffy."
This is so on point! So they can all live to be 140. Someone commented that over 30% of caregivers die before the people they are caring for. And beyond that, I will almost certainly be moving into a place of ill health, as will my hubby, before MIL is gone. Time for us all to stop trying to cheat death.
You've done yeoman's work, so be happy about that and not guilty for retiring. Now go take care of yourself!
Yes, this is what I run into. They just say thank you more, tell me how wonderful I am to do this for their mom, suggest MIL buys me lunch while we are out--anything but get involved themselves. And this is really the rub. I come from a family where we DID all work TOGETHER on difficult problems like this. No one ever took advantage. It has taken me many years to understand that DH's family is not like this at all--offering help puts me in the position of being their servant, in their eyes. While they wouldn't express it this way, in reality they have found a sucker who is willing to do the grunt work while they all do things that are SO much more important with their days.
I won't do Lyft or Uber--I know that's not a good solution, and for the sake of being a good role model for my kids, I will try to be the grown up in the room and find a workable solution for MIL. But the solution will no longer be me!
A good rant can sort of some feelings.
It's not right that your husband won't do anything for his mom. Come on! I he doesn't care, why should you?
It's good that IL is taking her to appointments but it's unfortunate that no one is there to help her make decisions, etc. I used to let my mom go to routine appointments like getting her toenails cut but anything that needed information, since she has dementia means she could not give them consistent and true answers to their questions nor make decisions about what's next.
Good for you for telling them that MIL will have to move near sister when it's time.
Good luck.
1. Write it all down.
All the tasks I was performing with or for my LO.
2. Then go de-stress. Take a walk, a warm bath, treat myself to a coffee out somewhere.
3. After moving from react & rant mode, get curious. Start asking myself WHYS? Why is this so stressfull? What do I feel? Is this resentment? Why?
It was pointed out to me that resentment was a normal reaction to giving too much.
I HATE the profuse thank yous as well as the you're so specials and numerous other variations used to try to make you feel good about what you are doing so you will keep on doing them.
(Ventingisback)
This right here. Why should you participate when MIL's own son won't?
Start cutting back now. Don't wait for MIL to need AL.
Stop if you want. You DESERVE to get your life back. Just please try to hire some people to replace you. Use her money. Someone else to drive her to appmts.
“Her son, my hubby, will NOT participate, even when he is off work (he works on a project basis.)”
Ridiculous, unacceptable, abusive/exploitative of you, YOUR TIME, and your life.
Of course it’s OK with daughter/son. It’s not THEIR time that’s being used and abused.
EXACTLY. At some point, that’s just not OK anymore.
”I am not interested in your opinion (of how I should use MY time), but if you would like to discuss the weather, I would love to hear your thoughts.”
My “co-caregiver” said it, THEN MOVED 1,000 miles away!! Guess which caregiver did all the work and which caregiver lay in a beach chair on her lanai and wrote emails complaining (with ZERO actual knowledge of circumstances) about MY caregiving skills!
I’m seeing quite a few raised hands out there………!!!
Oh I had no need to step forward or raise my hand myself.. as others stepped back & pushed me forward.
July 26, 2023 7:50 am
WearyJane...
There is a profession that is perfect for this.
Geriatric Care Manager.
The GCM will accompany MIL to her appointments. Make sure that she is safely there and will make note of any changes.
This is not inexpensive but it might be worth it. (obviously MIL pays for this service)
OR
A caregiver can be hired for the times when she needs to go to appointments. The caregiver is there just to make sure she is safe and gets to appointments, the caregiver will not sit in with MIL and her doctor.
MIL has money, or at least more than most. I think the Geriatric Care Manager might be a good solution here. I/she have hired a few caregivers, aides, who did not work well. One stole her opiate medication (for many reasons yes, I am sure. Aide was counting on no one believing the old lady's paranoid story.) But--maybe I just keep trying until we find someone who works out. MIL is not really the nicest lady--never has been--very critical and bossy. Often borderline mean to people she doesn't like, and that makes finding someone harder.
What a business opportunity for the right person!! Go to a care home and offer to fill in these gaps, and charge well for it!
It's really very nice that you stepped up to the plate and did it for this long. It is time for someone else to participate. If you don't speak up you will continue to get dumped on. Your first discussion is with your husband. You need to explain to him that you are feeling exploited by your MIL, him and his sister. Tell them you did your part and you are done.
MIL needs more assistance. It's past time for an alternate plan. Since she already has mobility issues, AL is the better option now.
A few years ago, I was in your shoes with an elderly relative whose son and grandkids could not be bothered. Every month she had an appt. with a renal dr. and it was an ordeal getting her to that appointment. Had to manage wheelchair, oxygen tank, hose, etc. Had to drive across town through a difficult and scary construction zone. Doctor was in a bad part of town and there was NEVER any parking available near the door. All this for the doctor to come in, ask how she was doing, take vitals and say "Ok Mrs. X. Keep watching your sugar and salt intake. We will see you next month!" Then there were countless other doctor appointments weekly.
This will make you laugh--I forced hubby to take over MIL's doctor visits during a week he was off work. He was not happy. He did the first one, then had his mother cancel the second--her semi-annual cardiologist appointment. He told her to stop seeing that doctor, she didn't need to see a cardiologist anymore at her age. Well, found out a few days ago she scheduled it anyway and took her IL bus to the appointment. And she made sure we knew, of course--either to make us feel guilty, or to show "she can still do things on her own." Wiped her out. Perhaps we just need to let her do those things if she insists.
Another problem--since I'm not taking her all the places, she has just gotten new glasses so she can "begin driving again." Eye roll. So she is doing work-arounds.
My in-laws are also starting to have problems now. My father-in-law’s prostate cancer has returned, and they are gathering information for a plan on that. And my mother-in-law unexpectedly needs surgery, and she was the main one who was driving him because he has poor vision. My husband works a rotating shift work job and I know he’s willing to help more than willing. But I’m not sure how all of this is going to work out. And for us here most of the specialty medical care is an hours drive away.
It is hard. I think your husband needs to step up and his sister. If your husband has plenty of time off in between projects, he really should help.
Hi all, new to the site but glad to find it.
"I need to get this checked, I need to get that checked," and when she does they'll say, "Yes Mrs. So&So, just like last time we told you to watch your salt intake, not lay in bed so long, and this will improve." But because it's not just going away they're 'not helping' her.
Or if she finds a doctor and doesn't like what she hears, "I gotta find a new doctor he said x,y,z."
She's a frail 90 year old and the other day she told me, "I got to schedule a colonoscopy it's been a while."
No.
No you don't.
When she hears the phrase, "Let's refer you to this specialist," it's like a Christmas gift has been handed to her.
I told her finally that ok, if there is something really bad going on we'll go, but if it's, "I just want to talk to the doctor about...." then it's video visit time. She doesnt' like that and throws a scream down tantrum, but that's that.
out with 3 pills of a sample med. Like if he didn’t leave with a prescription or sample med, it wasn’t worth the trip.
He had COPD and such and would end up in the hospital. Except when he realized he wasn’t going to die tomorrow, he decided he didn’t need to be in the hospital anymore… but still liked being there too. We went to take him home once and we had two prescriptions to fill and we headed for the pharmacy in the hospital. He said “We can come back tomorrow to get them!”. Noooope. Not making another trip for something we can get right now!
My feeling about it is if you need someone else's assistance to accomplish any of these appointments to keep you living longer, it is enough.
Same with Moms Gastroenterologist. She went because an xray showed a thickening on the top of her stomach. The Dr. said he thought it was caused by her Gerd. After going every six months to "keep check" I had him change it to 1x a yr.
Her eyes, she should be seeing her doctor 1x a year. The shots she needs to. You say Mom is healthy so why a Cardiologist?
This is how I finally looked at Mom. If she was stable with a specialist, her meds are working fine, I would ask to go 1x a year. Or, ask Moms PCP if he felt he could take over. Ur Moms back problem, I would have a good talk with her doctor. If there is really nothing more they can do for her, they need to be honest with her. They probably continue to do testing, etc because she wants it. The reality is she is 90 years old and can anything really be done. You need to be upfront and say all these Dr. visits are just too much. If Mom goes under for any of her procedures, it will effect her cognitively. Same with her arthritis.
When my Mom entered LTC, all her doctors stopped. The facility provided a doctor. The only thing her thyroid Dr. requested was labs every six months. If a problem, I would take her back.
All practitioners agree she is not a good candidate for any surgery, or extreme treatments to extend her life....so why all the medical surveillance?
If she had symptoms/discomfort/sudden decline in health I would not hesitate to seek treatment for comfort sake.
As it is, her physical health is more stable than my own. 10 routine wellness visits (plus lab appts.) a year is just too much.
Apparently your sister is brought into the system and is now
provided this ridiculous "care". 10 Wellness visisits a year ???????
Who pays for all this ?
From: ElizabethAR37
My spouse (93) and I (86) make as few doctor visits as possible--maybe even fewer than we "should". Our PCP always wants to make a referral to one specialist or another. Why, when we are unwilling to endure invasive tests, procedures or surgeries? We are very much aware that there is no miracle "cure" for being 93 and 86. We are going to shuffle off this mortal coil at some time in the not-too-distant future; that simply is going to happen. Living to 140 is not on our wish list. Personally, I just don't want to suffer at EOL.
If at all possible, I prefer not to collude with the medical industrial complex or accede to over-treatment. I'm not convinced that they always have an older adult's best interest or quality of life (v. quantity) in mind. After all, they get paid based on coded tests and procedures. To be clear, most practitioners aren't the problem. "Corporate medicine", insurance companies, middlemen and the fee-for-service system are, IMO.
Now that I (voluntarily) try to avoid driving on the freeway--it's way too crazy out there these days--or at night, finding reliable transportation if we need services away from our local area is a challenge. We do not intend to burden our adult children with this task unless it's absolutely essential.
In our area, Council on Aging provides rides to doctor visits. They have large shuttle buses that accommodate wheelchairs. They drop off and pick up.
Contact C on A in your area to see if this is available for you.
Best wishes to you.
This is the issue here. The medical profession makes most their incomes on people with the extra coverage. I had to step in for my mom when her Dr was referring her for senseless specialty visits. Once they see this kind of insurance BINGO.
We Just had to refuse appt for surgical consult for hernia . FIL is 89 , dementia, chronic respiratory failure , etc .
FIL does not want surgery . Also he is not a surgical candidate and they know it , but they recommended him following up with surgeon anyway after discharge from hospital for acute respiratory failure in top of chronic respiratory failure and CHF .
FIL has great secondary insurance . They would get to charge for a consult if he went to talk to them .
I now think of it as a seed.
A seed that can grow into anger.
Anger is energy. Can spill out at our family, our spouse, everywhere. Or we can try to harness it & use this energy TOWARDS CHANGE.
Once I made my list of all the stuff I was doing, I got real mad. Felt really used. By everyone else who was happy to let me carry on, that my time was not important to them.
Now I think no-one knew what else to do..
So there I was, the little frog in the heating pot.. no-one interested to turn the heat down, just up up up.
I had to get the strength to jump out myself!
It took me ages to sort this all out by the way, but I did. You can too!
I think it would be very helpful to other posters who really want to break free and unsure how to do it.
Like Snakes & Ladders, a few snakes there to slide back down.. so I learnt: gotta watch for snakes!
I started with my own list, a sort of 'needs assessment' list. All the tasks, chores, errands, appointments, duties. Then wrote names next to each one. Two of us (third was out) - me doing a bit more than a mouse's amount, the other the lion's.
Basically when you saw the list, it's obvious that LO was no longer independant. Required so much help for ADLs + IADLs. Home Care was involved by then (ooh a hard won battle there..) but a Manager was needed to run it all. Run an *assisted living for one*.
As Weary found, Uber/Taxi wasn't suitable for appointments. More help with mobility than a driver could be expected to do plus more help with communication than an Aide would be expected really.
So basically LO not independant for appointments.
So I kept medical appointments.
But got out a coloured pen & crossed my name off all other tasks.
I stated that all my other tasks must now get a NEW solution. I found various agencies & supports, made numerous suggestions for these. Some taken up, some not.
Then I had to get HARD. Phone calls.. just this once.. could you.. No.
Medical appointments: Doctor. Dentist. Podiatrist. Specialist after Specialist after Specialist. Hairdresser.. One week blew out to near daily appointments!
Some appointments made to fit around my life, some not.
Appointment + post office or shops + clean up at home..
Get the picture?
Mission Creep again!!
Being taken advantage of again.
So next chat was "This is WAY TOO MUCH. It is no longer reasonable. You will need to find another solution. Starting asap.
I arranged a liason with a Social Worker to go over a Needs Assessment & make recommendations. I arranged an OT home safety check. I arranged a Dr review. All agreed: Supported Accom was required.
I really like to know what thoughts go through their minds as they cook up plans to get others to do things for them. What do they think to justify abusing/taking advantage of other people?
Years later when he was in AL he broke his dentures. I was led to believe they required him to get implants to replace them so I had to take him to an oral surgeon. After I saw all that was involved I asked if it was really necessary for a 90+ year old man and they said no, they just wanted me to see all the options. Options that required me to again miss work taking him to more doctors.
If MIL's facility provides this could she arrange for the facility to take her to some if not most of these appointments?
Now, if MIL is not cognizant then that is a different story and she should be accompanied by someone. That could be you or it could be a Care Manager that she pays to accompany her and take notes and relay information back to family.
Personally I find it unfair (to put it mildly) that your husband will not help in any of this. Is there any way that you all of a sudden have a conflict when she has an appointment and he has to take her? (another side note if your hubby is POA he should be involved in this more than he is)
H and SIL are taking advantage of you. You've gotten suggestions on how to dial back on your involvement. Have you tried any of them yet?
First I want to say that I have thought a lot about this situation and how I got into the middle of it. We talk about narcissism a lot on this forum, and I think that's at the crux of it. In my own family, we would NEVER expect ANYONE, family or no, to just be at our beck and call. I have decided that is what I am struggling with the most here, even more than with the time it all takes. How DARE my husband's family expect me to do all this? It has just been unceremoniously dumped on me. When I have politely suggested that it was too much, they act like what I do is no big deal. Or will make some big overly dramatic gesture, like taking over driving for an appointment or two, and then we are back to the same situation again.
It is the attitude from them that's wrong. They are totally comfortable taking advantage of me. I am a helping person by nature, and I would have been happy to participate in the care of my MIL, but am not willing to take it over completely. And they had no right to just assume I would. It is a story I see over and over on this forum.
So, back to what I have done. Yes, the IL has transportation. MIL can barely walk; unstable with a walker, but can get around. I am letting the bus there take her to most things. I have decided to define what I am willing to do, and that is one visit a week, 2-3 weeks out of the month. We have MIL over for Sunday afternoon most weeks. I am cutting that back also to 2-3 Sundays a month.
It is sort of working for now, but MIL really needs shepherding into appointments. The bus driver is a good man, and is not callous. He doesn't just dump her, but she is 90 and while her mind is still good, for anything "big" she needs someone else there. The smaller things are ok on the bus as she is literally dropped at the door, and these are usually small offices. The driver will sometimes take her to the bank.
But still she is a doctor addict. I think that's what she does with her thoughts and time. For instance, she needed new glasses. So trip to the opthomologist, trip to vision center, another trip to pick the glasses up and they weren't right, so back to the opthomologist, back to the vision center to reorder, and then pick up glasses when they are ready. Six trips. EVERYTHING is like that. Today she had a skin cancer removed, and it ended up being a problem as her skin is so thin--it now will require visits to a wound center, every 1-2 weeks, until it's healed. So I am constantly having to think about what I will and won't do. When she says, "I'll just take the bus" I let her. I can tell her friends at the home are thinking MIL is not being tended to properly.
So that's where I am now. I am going to look for a driver, as several suggested below. Hopefully a good fit will come up, someone she knows. Her inability to walk well and her age mean letting the bus handle it isn't a workable long-term solution. I learned with my own mom that going into AL doesn't necessarily solve these doctor problems either. The answer is, unfortunately, to just not go anymore.
My solution was to stop. There are others who can help. They need to step up. So far to be honest they haven’t but mom is actually doing okay without all those doctor’s visits and me checking in all the time.
Is she doing as well as when I was involved? In some ways definitely not, but she is managing and my life is much better. It was really interfering with my work. Not to be pompous but I am a pretty successful person and very very busy. My siblings aren’t as busy and have a lot less going on. One of them doesn’t even work. Yet somehow they don’t have the time or energy.
I asked my sister to pay the twice a month bill for the caregiver (with mom’s money) not because I couldn’t do it but just to start delegating because that is what I do in my professional life. I figured that would be an easy thing to do and one less thing for me. She whined about it, was late, and finally is doing it but when she does she texts me to let me know it was done like it was some sort of accomplishment. To be honest I was doing that in my sleep. I needed help with the time sucking activities like doctors appointments.
Therefore, I decided to spend more time doing what I need to do to be productive in my own life and others can worry over mom now. I suggest you do the same. Your in laws can step up or not but you did your share.