My MIL, 90 and in good health and mind, has seemingly never-ending visits to her various doctors. I have done the driving for some years, but I have had enough. She has a damaged back for which she has has imaging appointments, visits for shots, many back procedures and follow-ups. Cardiologist twice a year, rheumatologist 4x a year, infusions every 2-3 months, new glasses and ophthalmology appointments, macular degeneration shots 4x a year, various UTI doctor visits maybe every month, then routine stuff as well. At one point there were three visits a week. Perhaps two a week right now. I am sure I missed some in my list.
MIL is in independent living for now, but must use a motorized wheelchair to get around. She is desperate to “get her back fixed” so she can stay, which I understand.
This is insane, and I am done. I haven’t had medical visits for myself in forever—I am burned out from hers. Have any of you just put a lid on the care and said, enough already?!
She has extra insurance coverage, and everything is free with no out-of-pocket. So every new specialist suggested by doctors is fair game.
I have been letting the driver at her IL center take her to many of these in the last six months, but he just drops her off with her walker and she is on her own. She is doing that but it’s not a good plan.
Her own son and daughter (daughter lives far away) are quite willing to let me handle all her care—and think it’s no big deal for me to spend so much time. Their profuse thank-yous aren’t cutting it anymore. I totally freaked them out by saying that when MIL needs to transition to AL, it needs to be near her own daughter. Her son, my hubby, will NOT participate, even when he is off work (he works on a project basis.)
This is is maybe more of a rant, but any suggestions on how to dial this back? It’s gotten crazy, and frankly I just don’t want to do this anymore.
It sounds like MIL needs to hire some help. Surely there are aides or CNAs at her facility who'd love to accompany her in a cab to doc visits?
Perhaps if all these visits came with a tangible "cost" she might think twice about how many times a year she needs a check-in.
And yes, when she needs to go to AL, it needs to be in Sissy's neck of the woods.
I took mom to every doctor and specialist under the sun for a year. She had cataract surgery, brain scans, spinal taps, skin cancer surgery, you name it. Despite all that she is pretty healthy. Actually, she is very healthy for her age except for the dementia and high blood pressure.
Once we established a baseline, though, I stopped. Like you, I got tired of dragging her around and neglecting my own health. Enough was enough. The doctors always want to schedule follow ups every 6 months or even more often. Forget it.
When she asks to go to the doctor now for trivial things like a burn on her leg I tell her she can have her caregiver take her to urgent care if it looks bad. Otherwise, we will be on a never ending hamster wheel of doctors.
Like others have said, it is fun for them or at least reduced anxiety. We get lunch on the way to or from so it is an outing. However, it is not fun for me and doesn’t reduce my anxiety.
I haven’t been to the doctor in I don’t know how long. She is probably going to outlive me at this rate.
She is in AL now. Doctor's office arranges transportation to their office because I said I am not her caregiver anymore and AL does not have transportation so you all need to figure it out. Best thing that ever happened. I have my life back. I am free.
Please don't sacrafice your own happiness and well being for your MIL. Let her IL handle it all or it is time to transition her to AL. Her needs will be taken care of without you if you just say - I am not her caregiver.
I'll be 87 soon and have a back that looks like a pretzel. I have accepted that there's likely no resolution at my age. Trips to various doctors aren't going to change that fact. Sometimes we just "outlive the warranty" on our body parts.
Limits the appointments and commit to one a week. You need to take care of yourself.
You could hire a caregiver to go with her to the less detailed appointments.