My MIL, 90 and in good health and mind, has seemingly never-ending visits to her various doctors. I have done the driving for some years, but I have had enough. She has a damaged back for which she has has imaging appointments, visits for shots, many back procedures and follow-ups. Cardiologist twice a year, rheumatologist 4x a year, infusions every 2-3 months, new glasses and ophthalmology appointments, macular degeneration shots 4x a year, various UTI doctor visits maybe every month, then routine stuff as well. At one point there were three visits a week. Perhaps two a week right now. I am sure I missed some in my list.
MIL is in independent living for now, but must use a motorized wheelchair to get around. She is desperate to “get her back fixed” so she can stay, which I understand.
This is insane, and I am done. I haven’t had medical visits for myself in forever—I am burned out from hers. Have any of you just put a lid on the care and said, enough already?!
She has extra insurance coverage, and everything is free with no out-of-pocket. So every new specialist suggested by doctors is fair game.
I have been letting the driver at her IL center take her to many of these in the last six months, but he just drops her off with her walker and she is on her own. She is doing that but it’s not a good plan.
Her own son and daughter (daughter lives far away) are quite willing to let me handle all her care—and think it’s no big deal for me to spend so much time. Their profuse thank-yous aren’t cutting it anymore. I totally freaked them out by saying that when MIL needs to transition to AL, it needs to be near her own daughter. Her son, my hubby, will NOT participate, even when he is off work (he works on a project basis.)
This is is maybe more of a rant, but any suggestions on how to dial this back? It’s gotten crazy, and frankly I just don’t want to do this anymore.
I HATE the profuse thank yous as well as the you're so specials and numerous other variations used to try to make you feel good about what you are doing so you will keep on doing them.
(Ventingisback)
1. Write it all down.
All the tasks I was performing with or for my LO.
2. Then go de-stress. Take a walk, a warm bath, treat myself to a coffee out somewhere.
3. After moving from react & rant mode, get curious. Start asking myself WHYS? Why is this so stressfull? What do I feel? Is this resentment? Why?
It was pointed out to me that resentment was a normal reaction to giving too much.
It's not right that your husband won't do anything for his mom. Come on! I he doesn't care, why should you?
It's good that IL is taking her to appointments but it's unfortunate that no one is there to help her make decisions, etc. I used to let my mom go to routine appointments like getting her toenails cut but anything that needed information, since she has dementia means she could not give them consistent and true answers to their questions nor make decisions about what's next.
Good for you for telling them that MIL will have to move near sister when it's time.
Good luck.
A good rant can sort of some feelings.
You've done yeoman's work, so be happy about that and not guilty for retiring. Now go take care of yourself!
Yes, this is what I run into. They just say thank you more, tell me how wonderful I am to do this for their mom, suggest MIL buys me lunch while we are out--anything but get involved themselves. And this is really the rub. I come from a family where we DID all work TOGETHER on difficult problems like this. No one ever took advantage. It has taken me many years to understand that DH's family is not like this at all--offering help puts me in the position of being their servant, in their eyes. While they wouldn't express it this way, in reality they have found a sucker who is willing to do the grunt work while they all do things that are SO much more important with their days.
I won't do Lyft or Uber--I know that's not a good solution, and for the sake of being a good role model for my kids, I will try to be the grown up in the room and find a workable solution for MIL. But the solution will no longer be me!
I think it's ridiculous how predatory the healthcare industry is with our elders. They seem to assume their elderly patients (and their advocates) will accept without question as many tests and "follow up" appointments as they deem necessary. I agree... it is out of control.
And if you question any of it, including any of the medications they want to keep them on so they can all live to be 140 years old, they get rather huffy.
Seems like a pretty good scam to me.
Also the compartmentalization of doctors and services. For MIL's rheumatologist, there are four infusions each year. Each infusion requires a separate visit to a lab for blood work. If the blood work is off, or if MIL gets sick, another lab visit is required. Medicare no longer allows the doctor to do her "doctor visit" at the same time as her infusion, so those are a separate visit as well. So right there, for just one of her routine therapies, we have about 12 trips to doctors and labs. ALL the things are like that.
"And if you question any of it, including any of the medications they want to keep them on so they can all live to be 140 years old, they get rather huffy."
This is so on point! So they can all live to be 140. Someone commented that over 30% of caregivers die before the people they are caring for. And beyond that, I will almost certainly be moving into a place of ill health, as will my hubby, before MIL is gone. Time for us all to stop trying to cheat death.