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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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We moved him there last December because Mom was going through some physical issues and couldn't care for him. Now she is getting better and wants to bring him home. Dad is 88 and Mom is 81.
You may be just getting stuck in a revolving door. If he's done ok in care and moms ok and can visit I would leave well enough alone. But having said that, Freq is correct, more info is needed and could prove me wrong. I just know that if I could ever get either of my parents in care I would never reverse course only to go through it all again later.
Given the info you've now posted I feel it would be a big mistake to bring him home. Sadly, eldercare is a long trip on the down elevator. Neither of your parents are in good shape. Leave well enough alone.
Link, we need more information. How long has your Dad had dementia? What can't he do for himself? Does your Dad have paid caregivers in the house who help your Mom with his care?
What were the physical issues that your Mom was dealing with that made it necessary to place your Dad into a continuing care facility? What are her Mom's limitations? Can you Mom drive? Is she able to pick Dad up if he should fall?
How did your Dad do when he was first placed in a continuing care facility? Was it difficult for him to settle in? Has he made friends at the facility that he would miss if he left?
Any change can be disruptive for someone with dementia. On the other hand, my husband did awesome when we traveled, taking motel rooms and train berths in stride. So that is hard to predict.
The more important question (in my mind) is will whatever disruption he experiences be worth it? Will Mom and Dad be better off together? Can the money that was being used for the care center be used for in-home care instead? Has Mom got her strength back and is she really up to resuming some of the care?
Is Mom herself perhaps ready for assisted living? Would being together there be a better solution?
I can identify with your mother. My experience is with a spouse (as well as with a parent) and that is VERY different than making decisions for a parent. Whatever you do, try to meet your mother's needs in her relationship with your father as much as humanly possible. If bringing him home just isn't practical or not best for him, find other ways for mom to feel like she is still married.
More information would help us make more specific suggestions.
Mom is better because she is not being worn down by exhausting care. If you bring him home, her physical issues will return. His condition will also worsen and Windyridge is right, you get stuck spinning in circles.
I am the original poster and I apologize for not providing enough information. I was trying to be as brief as possible, but I see I left out some important facts that are very impactful in the situation. I do appreciate everyone's input. ~ Not sure exactly how long Dad has had dementia - probably at least 3-5 years but it's only gotten worse in the last year or so. He can still do many things himself, but needs help. He is 88. ~ Mom has Polymyalgia Rheumatica (PMR). It is getting better but she still has some pain. She is 81. She has always been healthy and a "do-er" and is still strong-willed and independent. ~ She does drive. But it's an hour's drive each way to visit Dad, so she only goes 2-3 times a week. ~ She would not be able to pick up Dad if he fell. ~ He is in a VA home, so it is not possible for her to live with him there. The caregivers there are supposed to take care of him, but we often find him without some of the basic care being done. She has brought it to the attention of the managers. So far nothing has changed. ~ Dad had a rough few days when he first moved there, but has adapted well. He doesn't hear very well, so it's difficult for him to have conversations with anyone. He and his roommate have become pretty good buddies though. He is allowed to be out of the home 12 days a year, but we've been afraid to take him out (overnight) at all and he's been there almost 9 months. We've taken him out to eat frequently, mostly on weekends.
How about you pick 6 special weekends a year to bring him home to Mom with other's round the clock help? That way the family can see him and he can see home. My mother had PMR and it never went away, but stress and lifting made it flare up. My point is that I would not put Mom in the situation where she would have to come to his aid if he fell. She should try to keep in in the VA if possible. Have you talked to the VA about hearing aids?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
What were the physical issues that your Mom was dealing with that made it necessary to place your Dad into a continuing care facility? What are her Mom's limitations? Can you Mom drive? Is she able to pick Dad up if he should fall?
How did your Dad do when he was first placed in a continuing care facility? Was it difficult for him to settle in? Has he made friends at the facility that he would miss if he left?
The more important question (in my mind) is will whatever disruption he experiences be worth it? Will Mom and Dad be better off together? Can the money that was being used for the care center be used for in-home care instead? Has Mom got her strength back and is she really up to resuming some of the care?
Is Mom herself perhaps ready for assisted living? Would being together there be a better solution?
I can identify with your mother. My experience is with a spouse (as well as with a parent) and that is VERY different than making decisions for a parent. Whatever you do, try to meet your mother's needs in her relationship with your father as much as humanly possible. If bringing him home just isn't practical or not best for him, find other ways for mom to feel like she is still married.
More information would help us make more specific suggestions.
~ Not sure exactly how long Dad has had dementia - probably at least 3-5 years but it's only gotten worse in the last year or so. He can still do many things himself, but needs help. He is 88.
~ Mom has Polymyalgia Rheumatica (PMR). It is getting better but she still has some pain. She is 81. She has always been healthy and a "do-er" and is still strong-willed and independent.
~ She does drive. But it's an hour's drive each way to visit Dad, so she only goes 2-3 times a week.
~ She would not be able to pick up Dad if he fell.
~ He is in a VA home, so it is not possible for her to live with him there. The caregivers there are supposed to take care of him, but we often find him without some of the basic care being done. She has brought it to the attention of the managers. So far nothing has changed.
~ Dad had a rough few days when he first moved there, but has adapted well. He doesn't hear very well, so it's difficult for him to have conversations with anyone. He and his roommate have become pretty good buddies though. He is allowed to be out of the home 12 days a year, but we've been afraid to take him out (overnight) at all and he's been there almost 9 months. We've taken him out to eat frequently, mostly on weekends.
Good luck to you!