My mother is in Hospice at home. My stepfather is caring for her. They abused me most of my life. I recently tried helping them for 20 months but their abuse became too much and my health was suffering so I cut them off: no visits & blocked their #s. Even the Hospice social worker agreed it was a good idea. Now they're having my 2 step sisters contact me by phone & text. These are 2 step sisters I typically have no contact with, they're not in my life at all and like my parents, I never considered them caring or allies or trustable. They're cloaking their snooping by leaving messages like, Oh, we're calling to check on you. It comes off like I'm the weird, flaky irresponsible one who just disappeared. It's eating at me, I wish they'd just leave me alone. Any contact with them opens the door for dialogue to get me back in with a guilt trip... Mom's asking for you.
If you contact the admins of AgingCare they can assist you in opening a new screen name.
You do not need to go on as 'Anonymous10208824', and you do not need to leave. If that is your choice, but you do have choices.
The Admins can also assist you in opening a new account, and explain how your 'settings/profile' can better protect your privacy.
We used to be able to change our own screen names, but there were so many trolls, and 'drive-by' posters (post once, never return) that the volunteer caregivers who answer questions were getting frustrated. The Admins here are very kind and helpful.
There are so many posters now with Anonymous and just numbers, that I get confused, need a map to recall who they are.
So, the result is, generally I do not post to 'Anonymous'.
This is social media, and I understand your surprise that everything can be public.
Bye for now.
Some posters come back to their thread and post updates of a situations. Others prefer to start a new thread each time they post.
Some of us, while reading, think "hey, this sounds familiar. Did I opine about this situation before?" We go back and check previous posts. If it's creepy, well, I'm guilty too. I do it because sometimes I see the person is resistant to a certain piece of advice. Sometimes I see a pattern. I don't want to simply repeat what I've said before, which didn't work.
There are responders and caregivers here who are also mental health professionals. I think you've been given some good advice and hope that you stick around, both so that we can learn from how you eventually manage this dreadful situation and to benefit from your advice to others.
Be well.
I was quite old when I found out that it's not crazy people who seek therapy. It's the people who live with the crazy people who seek therapy to grow and to mitigate the damage and toxic side effects of having grown up in an abusive environment or been in an abusive relationship.
Most people here have been nothing but nice and compassionate and that's really all I wanted. I don't find that to be the case with her. I will never post here again. Farewell.
Are you going to allow a few texts and phone calls knock you off
a very wise, well thought out path, you chose for yourself to be healthy and survive?
Keep walking strong.
You are not just your mother's child you are a person with feelings. You deserve respect. You need tools that you can help u when dealing with people like ur mother. We can be sympathetic and give suggestions but you have to learn to stand up for yourself. You have years of abuse u have to work thru. A trained therapist can help you work thru this.
You have posted 4x since March 2. Pretty much the same thing everytime with a number of responses. Probably some from people who have been in your shoes. No problem in "venting". We welcome it. Sometimes it helps to just write what you feel down. But for you its been two months. In posts you say 5 siblings have walked away. They walked away for a very good reason. You have to ask yourself why is it so hard for you? Are your hoping that Mom will change and say "I love you". It won't happen. Your Mom probably doesn't know how to love. And it doesn't seem that the knowledge that she is dying has made her look at herself. If you believe in Heaven, then she is going to meet her maker and have to justify her choices in life. Let the stepsisters take care of their father and in turn your Mom. Seems he didn't mistreat them or they wouldn't be involved.
In all your posts you say the word "vulnerable". Well weren't you too when they beat you. What goes around comes around and this is their "come around". You need to find out why ur other siblings found it easy to walk away and not look back and you seem not to be able to do it.
Call the SW who told you it was OK to walk away. Ask if she can put you in touch with a therapist to help you work thru this. There are clinics that charge on scale. Maybe even ur health insurance will help with the cost.
Keep coming back and tell us how you are doing. You may help someone else in the same boat..
Zki, is your only phone a cell? If so block ur Ssisters. You will never know if they called or not. Same with emails and Facebook. BLOCK THEM
If its a landline, if your phone doesn't block, there are some out there now that do.
Let the stepsisters do for them. You have walked away for a very good reason. You will never change your Mom at this point. For yourself, forgive her and move on. Please, don't get drawn back in. I would not answer texts or even call them once.
If you live in the same town, I may consider moving. If you do, don't leave a forwarding address. Not even with the PO. When I changed Moms address to mine, all the junk mail followed because they were able to get Moms new address. PO told me it was the utility people. I called them and they said it was not them.
It has been my experience that the caregivers who care the most for a stranger's struggles do go back to get an idea of how to help that person. If they have time. Then, devoting themselves to following up is another benefit that is offered to the OP.
Not everyone is appreciative becoming known.
I would let their messages go unanswered if you are comfortable with your decision to walk away.
Don't get sucked back in. Some people just seem to need to start drama to distract themselves from the emptiness of their lives. You got out.
Stay out!
Be like the fish that doesn't get caught.
If you are in contact with the Hospice Social Worker you can get information from her/him and that can be the "go between" for you and your mom. Make sure she has your contact information. If the Hospice has an app like the one I used with my Husband, they had a program called TapCloud and you can get and give information in a secure way but you could check on how mom is doing and not have contact with the rest of the family.