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My husband is in the early stages of alzheimers and resents me 'taking control' of his life if I suggest something that is contrary to his idea of how to do something. I back off and give him space but then I am accused of not being interested in helping him. This and other issues has made me so depressed and I am the one getting counseling to learn to adapt, but it is getting harder. Any suggestions?

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I live with a person with mental illness, my husband of 35 yrs. He is on life-time meds to control it. I do not have a perfect size waist, bust, nor rear because of inherited hypothyroidism, but he expects me to. Most of it I control with God in my life.
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The early stages dementia are where your husband is aware of the the loss of his ability, and is angry and frustrated about it. Perhaps he cannot do things as fast as he used to. You could lower the bar about what you want him to do by breaking the tasks into smaller do-able tasks. It may be he sees the disappointment in your eyes.
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Offtherails and Playitagain, you are really going through it. I actually sounds like you're handling things as well as you can. It is so different caring for spouses and parents. One can walk away more easily from a parent. Anger and blaming go with dementia a lot of times. There are days when I feel like my mother is itching to find something to get mad about. And I've learned that everything is my fault, so there's no reason to try to act like it isn't. :) People say to let these things run off our backs, but it is very hard to do when it happens a lot.

Offtherails, I don't know if it will work for you, but sometimes saying something light will help me to get my way on something. If I wanted to go alone to a support meeting, I would say something like it is just going to be women talking about what to cook. And you knew he wouldn't be interested in doing something like that. It makes it sound like you're being considerate, instead of just shutting him out.

I wondered if he wants to be with you so much because you are his designated safe person. People with dementia can start being very clingy when they start slipping mentally. One person becomes their security blanket, so they get anxious when they're not there. Sometimes it is so extreme it is like shadowing. I don't know what to do when that happens. It is a difficult situation. Maybe someone will have some suggestions if you think this could be happening. His saying you don't want to help him do things may be a manly cover up of him feeling anxious without you -- I don't know, but I know you will.
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Thank you so much for all the help and caring!
We are 76 and 68(me). My husband is getting angry more often, working too hard, not sleeping enough, etc. You all know the drill. He is fully aware of his diagnosis and was very accepting of it, but now he blames my depression for all the problems in our life. My depression had been controlled very nicely for the last 30+ years!! We have been together for 45 years.

What I have learned from the support group/counselor is that I have to have patience, a thick skin and try to enter his reality. But there are times when none of that works. He is still so capable of most things, including carpentry, except when tired and I cannot make him rest. So that is under his control as I was told today. However, his agenda every day includes me helping him on a project and I have tried everything I know to gracefully exit, but the blame is still there is I don't help. I know that I will have less time for myself, but I look back now and see this has developed insidiously over the last few years and I was ignorant of the changes until the mental confusion set in.

Today he cancelled a vacation with me because he doesn't want to be in the same car and argue. We have taken dozens of road trips and other trips in our life and so I know this is the disease speaking big time.
I would almost think it would be better if he were worse so I could at least exert a little influence or control over him. He insists on going to the caregivers support group and then is upset by my questions about personality changes. I think I will find another group that is at a different time if I can and go 'shopping' then. Not that it will fool him for long.

He isn't doing anything physical to me and never has, but the words sting. So thanks again everyone, and I will keep on reading. It gives me instant relief.
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8/23/2016. 8:34 a.m. PDT
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My husband is in the early stages of dementia and I'm new at learning how to cope. He now has days when he is angry all day and wants to argue. I take it personally which I know I shouldn't but its such a change! He gets very nasty towards me with his words. I've also made a police report at the suggestion of my sister when he tried to trip after a foot injection I've had. The only way I can seem to get away from it and for him to calm down is for me to go lay in my bed, face to the wall like I'm sleeping. I have Addison's disease and this is very hard stuff! Any advice would be helpful.
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1sally, can you visit his regular family physician with him to see if he/she is aware of these problems? Six years ago when my doctor retired I chose my parents' doctor as my new doctor also. It just seemed like a good move as I was driving them to appointments and helping them with more around the house. As my parents began having issues I was able to be with them during doctor visits ( I always asked their permission, told them I would "take notes for them" so they could focus on talking to the doctor.) He asked them to add my name to their records as someone he could disclose info to in case of emergency, "you know how it is these days with all the paperwork." Because I was also his patient, we could discuss my parents issues in my separate visits with him because being their caregiver was impacting MY health ( BP had gone way up). When it was time to activate their power of attorney, HE wrote and signed the letters stating they could no longer manage their affairs; coupled with the psycho-neurologists' earlier diagnosis (referral from the family doc) and a hospital emergency room physicians' written diagnosis of "patient has dementia", I've been able to use POA to clean up a lot of financial messes for them. A long way around the bushes to get there, but building a relationship with their family doctor was the best thing I ever did. It should be an even less-cumbersome process for a spouse. Start by talking to your own doctor for guidance.
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1sally, I'm concerned; how is this affecting your finances? this is the same thing hub's aunt and uncle are dealing; he's practically drained their finances, but even though he's had strokes, he doesn't feel he has a problem; now he will, and aunt feels he has, give control over to their son, but not her, because even though she's still been getting their bank statements, when she sees something that doesn't seem right on them and calls the bank about it they won't talk to her; they tell her he's primary on the account and even though she says her name used to be on it - and I believe still is, or was, on their checks, at least she thinks - not entirely sure how many she still does so if or how many she's done lately - she can still write checks; most of their stuff is automated, so she doesn't have to do many, not even really sure she even still has any - at least now the statement that I have only has his name on it - and that she'll have to bring him in for them to tell her anything, which when their daughter was here he refused to go and their son won't tell her anything; we think possibly he's concerned that she'll give their money to the daughter if she has access to it, which she didn't have access to their retirement funds anyway; he was the one who was giving it away, but it's the checking that's the concern right now, although she's concerned about access to the retirement if/when something happens to him first; is she going to be able to get to that money? so how is all that going with you?
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Choices, apologizing and taking the blame, and creative problem-solving will help a lot.

For you, you need to acknowledge how frustrating it is to deal with an irrational person. It is perfectly designed to drive one crazy. So whenever you manage to walk away, or make piece, or head off conflict, give yourself FULL CREDIT for doing a good job. When you mess up, pat yourself on the back and get back into the game.
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DownSouth, I am glad to hear you've given up on the "minor irritations." We do need to learn to pick our battles.

Apparently your mother wants to get the paper earlier than you want her to. Maybe this is to keep her routine as normal as possible. Maybe it is because reading the paper is something she looks forward to and she "can't wait" like a kid at Christmas. Maybe it is totally irrational. And now, maybe, it has become a power struggle.

This might be the battle you pick. I don't know. But is a compromise possible? Want you are concerned about is her safety. What if you explained that, and took her to pick out a reflective vest, like joggers and bike riders wear when they are out in the dark? "Mom, I'm not worried that you can't get the paper on your own. I'm worried about drivers who aren't paying attention. Let's get you the proper clothing to make sure the drivers can see you when you get the paper."

Another option would be to have the paper delivered to the doorstep. Is that a possibility?

On some of the high-conflict issues, coming up with ways to minimize the risk may be the best we can do.

As for explaining what her medical impairments are, that seems like a lost cause. It was very comforting and useful to my husband to understand what was going on, that it wasn't his fault, and that I'd help him compensate for his impairments. With my mother that approach would be totally counter-productive. We have never used the D word with her. It is a very individual decision. You've tried explaining it to your mother. That doesn't help. Give that approach up.
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Offtherails: I applaud you! As the ever-so-difficult job of caregiver to your loved one with Alzheimer's, you are taking the correct steps...let him try "his" way (unless it's preposterous) and then YOU take over. He will not like it. He may be combative, but remember...AND A BIG ONE........DO NOT EVER TAKE IT PERSONALLY! It's the disease of the mind. Stay strong and get respite when you have to because YOU WILL HAVE TO for the journey ahead.
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In the early days with my husband's dementia I often found it helpful to let him have control by allowing him to decide between two possibilities saying such things as, "Should we do it this way or that?"

"Let's get the bills paid today do you want to write the checks and I'll record what we pay?" Doing it just before a football game gave him incentive to ask me to do the task for him so he could watch the game. I gave him control and the finances were not screwed up.

"Can you help put the laundry away? I'll do mine while you do yours."
If he forgot how to fold something, I'd fold one of his and hand it to him. He remembered where his clothes were for a long time.

He had always filled the dishwasher - so we would clean up after supper together.

Be creative - sometimes the choices offered are one easy and one somewhat obnoxious so the outcome was more predictable while he still felt some sense of control.
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I'll be watching this topic for sure, timely for me because I just got into a shouting match with my mother this morning (my fault, I need to learn to leave the room when she starts) because she tells me that she went for the paper at 5:30 AM and I have repeatedly asked her to not go down until the sun is up, because I don't want to find her as a victim of a hit and run with the nut jobs out at that hour. I've given up on the other things that she does that are minor irritations in comparison. So I said, "I really wish you would wait until sunrise to go to the paper box" and she started shouting and pounding the table with her fists. And then the fight began.

At any rate, my mother is in denial that there is anything wrong, and gets very angry if I tell her what the neurologist and visiting nurse tests showed.

So I spend most of my time walking on eggshells trying not to upset her, and some days I fail miserably. Today was one of those days.
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Let him do what he can. If he always balanced the checkbook and paid bills get a "dummy" set of checks and old bills and let him write the checks and pay the bills.
If he helped with the household chores let him fold the laundry, put things away. Even if you have to do it again.
As the dementia progresses he will do fewer and fewer things and what he can do will become more basic. Still let him do what he can. Unless it comes to safety either his or the family's.
I know it is frustrating but I just imagine how frustrating it must be for someone like my husband who was so used to doing everything around the house that when he could no longer do things he never admitted it but just said..I'll do it when I feel stronger.
As he is no longer able to do the things he could help him transition and he will find other things to do.
It helped my frustration with some things when I changed "won't to can't" in my head. When I would get frustrated when he WOULDN'T do something until I realized he COULDN'T do it. It's not that he wouldn't get to the bathroom in time but he couldn't get to the bathroom because he did not recognize the cues his body was giving him.
Each phase brings a different set of frustrations but with each phase it does clear some up. You say you are getting counseling but are you also going to a Support Group? It does help. Each person in a support group learns from another. Some have been in your spot and you can get "tricks of the trade" to help you through. And some can learn from you as to what you have found helps. Everyone has something to contribute and learn.
Approach this with an open mind and look for different ways to solve problems. It does help if you can "think outside the box" because with dementia..they think out side the box all the time.
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One of the most difficult, but most important lessons I have learned with a disabled husband and a 94 year old mother with dementia is to take life one day at a time, one step at a time. If I spend too much energy looking at the "big picture", it proves to be very stressful and counterproductive. My husband's mind and thought process is good, but his body has betrayed him, the first time with a stroke in 2003 and now with an inability to walk or take care of himself, the reason for which is a mystery to the 5 neurologists we've seen. Both he and my mom can be demanding and downright nasty, and I am the target. My way of coping is reading, doing crafts and spending time with my grandsons. "Me" time is of the utmost importance. I have developed a very thick "hide", but I don't let hubby walk all over me. As an example, he issued an order this morning, and when I told him I'd get to it when I could, he got nasty. A half-hour later, I said "Now, if you still want me to do it, I will. But I resent being issued orders and then yelled at. Ask me in a nice way and it will get done." Kind of like speaking to a child, but sometimes that's what you have to do. God bless!
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My best solution is that instead of a suggestion (which is taken as an order and therefore rejected), I offer several choices. Then I say "it's up to you". This gives the other person a feeling of controling their life, and you give the choices that are acceptable.
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It's a long road ahead, and for now I can see the humor in some of the fantastical occurrences around our house. Hubby shouldn't climb ladders, so when a tree needed to be pruned a bit, his "obvious" solution was to cut it down. I noticed a 7' hole in the landscaping and a 2' high stump in place of a beautiful evergreen and asked hubby if he happened to notice a beaver at work on our trees. He was proud to relate he used an axe to cut down the too tall tree, saving us a visit from the tree man, and fortunately, a visit to the ER. Some days it's difficult to run along side a runaway train. We are in the early stages of dementia and thinking is replaced by frenzied doing; dementia can't capture him if he just keeps moving! His 5 adult children choose not to see him, preferring to remember dad healthy. Supportive friends and neighbors, church members, good doctors, support groups and exercising are my lifelines to keeping my sanity and sense of humor intact. Keep reaching out, and above all, take care of yourself. Easier said than done as we move forward.
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When a loved one passes away it's a clear and final loss. But with these progressive memory disorders, we lose them bit by bit. And while this process is heartbreaking, we can't really go into mourning because the person still is alive, needs our help and wouldn't understand our sadness. It's tough and you're right to take advantage of counseling. Good luck and God bless.
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as stated above you cannot stop a train by standing in front of it..just hop abroad.you cannot reason with a person with Alzheimers,just keep them safe.Trying to untangle their thinking only leads to upsetting them.All the patients I dealt with with Alzheimers,started out with beautiful senses of humor, as it slowly progressed they got madder and madder because they realized in some way they were not in control anymore and they had no conception of what was occuring.Please take care of yourself and yes search out online any and all informaiton medically and support wise.May God bless
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my husband is in the first stages and is moving money around and making decisions when I'm not there concerning contracts, etc. He does NOT believe he has a problem and will NOT give up control. I'm a mess, and I'm scared. The psychologist who diagnosed him is long gone and I can't get him to another to sign off to me.His friends think he's getting sort of weird but still accept him.
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Offtherails: There is a wealth of useful information available that will be immensely valuable to you as you begin your journey with the person living with dementia. Do Internet searches for books on dementia, visit your local library, do Internet searches on various subjects, add different English speaking countries to your searches to gain different prospective students, watch Teepa Snow utube videos, consider purchasing some of her videos, join local support groups, etc. Be aware that each phase will present different challenges. The more you understand the changing nature of the immense challenges you will face, the more you will understand that you cannot face this alone. You need a team. Be proactive on developing a local team to help you. You need to take care of yourself first, and your loved one second. God bless you on what will be the most difficult and challenging responsibilities that you will ever face in your entire life.
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The hardest lesson I had to learn while dealing with my parents (Dad has vascular dementia, Mom has Alzheimer's) was to NOT take it personally. Those of us with existing relationships (whether spouse or offspring) need to rewire a lot of that early and lifetime programming! And that's incredibly difficult, because my parents are changing while I remain the same. In other words, it's hard to keep up, and your strategy needs to keep changing. At some point, when it got too much for me to internalize, I chose to surrender. Now, when Mom says or implies "It's all your fault!", I simply agree. "Yes, it's all my fault, Mom. Everything is my fault." Paradoxically, this makes her laugh, as if she has "won" the argument. It doesn't make any sense, does it? Yet it works. I love @JeanneGibbs advice to give it a name and blame the name - and I'm saying the same thing. Whatever works! Keeping a sense of humour is usually what works best.
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You can't stop a train by standing in front of it. You have to run alongside and jump on board.

Rather than back off when your husband wants to do something his way, be his assistant in doing it his way so that you can gently steer the activity back to doing it a rational, effective way.

With teeth and denture cleaning, for example, I found myself channelling my Texan psychotherapist friend with my whoops of "there you go! That's the way!" You don't have to go that far, but praise and encouragement will be cheering for him when everyday tasks have become depressingly hard to accomplish.
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Is your husband aware that he has ALZ? I wonder if it would help if you discussed this issue with him when he is at his most lucid and in a good mood. "I want to give you as much help as you need when something is a little hard for you, but I also don't want to run your life. Sometimes it is hard for me to know just how much help you'd like. Can you help me with that?" Even if he "gets it" when you discuss it, he may not remember in the moment. Remind him gently. "Oh, I see I was trying to help when you don't need it. Sorry." "I'll be happy to help you now. Thank you for reminding me."

The early stage can be particularly frustrating for the caregiver. This is all new to you and you are not used to it. And the lack of logic is not yet severe enough or constant enough to keep you focused on it. So you go along as if things are almost normal and then, wham, out of the blue something really wacko comes up. No wonder we don't always respond appropriately!

The best you can do, I think, is reassure him that you want to help him and also don't want to take over for him, and to apologize when you get it "wrong."

My husband had Lewy Body Dementia, and we called it Lewy. (We both got mad at Lewy from time to time.) I could say, "Yes, of course you can carry a food tray. You've done it for decades! But we can't trust what ol' Lewy is going to do today, so how about I carry your tray and you bring the newspaper?" I always wanted to assure him that his impairments were not his fault.

I also often said something like, "You have an excellent brain, dear. You have an impressive education and you were a successful engineer. That excellent brain just isn't working at full capacity right now, so I'll help you for now." When we went to a new appointment he would cheerfully announce, "Jeanne comes with me. She's my memory."

It is a very fine line balancing between helping and taking over. Don't feel bad if you don't always get it right.

I am so very glad to hear you are getting counseling. This is huge change in the relationship and in your role.
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I found that you can't deal face-on with illogical thinking or lack of reasoning. What to do about it depends on what it is. If they think they need to tear down a wall to see why a lamp isn't coming on, of course, you can't let them do that. Maybe getting a light bulb and letting them change it would make them feel they are still in charge of it. Many things you can work along beside them like you're helping.

Other things are dangerous and have to be discouraged in some way. Since he is in the early stages, you probably haven't run across these things yet. You can take them as they come.

He'll probably have a lot of frustration as he forgets how to do things. He may take those things out on you. What is difficult to figure out is how much to give to make him feel better, since it can introduce a lot of stress into your life.

Maybe if you'll give an example of what he is doing, people will grasp what stage he's in and give some good advice. If you get a change, google Teepa Snow and look for the You Tube videos that are available. You could find that many will help you a lot as you go through this with your husband. The people she talks about are at a more advanced stage of dementia, but her concepts are very good.
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