I would need pages and pages to describe the nature of my mum. She is the most difficult person to deal with. Extremely negative, manipulative, and stubborn. Since dad died 5 years ago, I have been supporting her in her home 50 miles away. She has made it clear that she believes that her children should take her in. They owe it to her. I work full time and so does my husband. We still have on child in college. At least a decade ago, I pleaded with my parents to move closer to me. We offered an addition (paid for by them) to our home. My sibling offered his home as well. mom would not do it. She said it would make her feel "unwelcome" to be made to live in an "addition", she just wants to move into our home. Anyway, I have enough horror stories to fill a book. Suffice it to say, my husband does not under any circumstance want my mother in our home. I feel the same way but feel like I would feel less guilt if I offered a trial to prove to her that it just won't work out. What do you all think?
Short answer? You have a mentally ill mom. Don't do it.
You seem to be crumbling under the F.O.G.
If you don't know about that, learn before any more wild ideas about living dangerously comes to your mind.
Welcome here, there will be others coming too who can help you, and be a friend.
You count too, what you want and need count too!
Forget about it! You and hubby deserve a good life together.
It necessarily has to be something bad, right? Something that makes her so unhappy, or is so catastrophic for you and/or your husband, that it literally cannot go on.
So tell me why you would feel less guilty about having deliberately brought that about.
More comfortingly: your mother's expectations are not reasonable; you cannot just invite yourself permanently into somebody else's home, not even if the home half belongs to one of your children. You and your brother have offered to accommodate her: she rejected your offers. You continue to want to help her. That doesn't mean you have to comply with her every wish. She can believe what she likes, but where does it say you have to agree?
Husband and I have been miserable for years, but it's very hard to get out of the situation, once you've gotten yourselves into it. Who knows how long she could live, making your lives miserable!
If only I had found this website BEFORE we moved him in! Look further into Narcissistic parent, the FEAR OBLIGATION AND GUILT!
It's alive and well, living in the front wing of our 1800 sq foot home, and thats way too small a space to be stuck up someone's butt, whom you have come to abhor!
You can move her closer to you, and help her to manage her life, but Please don't give up your own and your husband's!
Listen to all of these very informed posters, and DON'T DO IT!
When you are in the situation you just can't see or think clearly. The answer seems so obvious to everyone else. I know you are all right. The best thing to do is just say no. But she is sooooooooooo good at manipulating and guilting everyone around her. FYI: one tough cookie is a reference to my mom, not me. She's the tough cookie and I've had several professionals tell me this on their way out the door. I know what I have to do but I am terrified - and I mean TERRIFIED - to say no to her.
My brother and I have been supporting her from 50 miles away for 8 years now. I am worn out. She makes everything so difficult. Everything is made to seem like an emergency or a huge crisis. She tries to do this so we will say, "oh poor mom. you can't stay here anymore. come live in my house." It's all manipulation. Pure and simple. I know this but what can I do about it. I have tried everything. Ignoring, changing the subject, confronting it head on, yelling, whispering, talking logically and calmly, enlisting helpers, creating lists, giving her aids, calendars, timers. She finds a way to dismiss EVERYTHING and EVERY ASSISTANCE. BECAUSE SHE WANTS HER WAY!!!! And that is to live with me in my home. Has anyone out there dealt with a person this stubborn and insistent? I mean, she is really one tough cookie.
You have been conditioned to feel guilty no matter what you do. Make a plan of action and stick with it. If she convinces you that there is an emergency then you call 911. If that seems excessive then it's probably not an emergency. Let her see that it won't be you that comes when she pitches a fit. Thank goodness she didn't want you to add an addition to your home.
Holding the boundary is like developing a muscle. You do it once and it's easier the next time. Get your brother to hold the same line so she doesn't play one of you against the other. Get a notebook. Each time she calls write down what she wants. If it is an emergency. Call 911. If it isn't tell her you will take care of it on your next scheduled visit OR just say no. Or ask her what is she going to do about the problem. Hand it back to her. Good luck.
Or you could even make it easier. Tell her that husband said no, and that he swore he would go crazy like "The Shining" if your mother moved in. Tell her he's been saying redrum over and over. She may not ever like your husband again, but maybe he wouldn't think that so bad. :D Just playing here to lighten the situation.
Something we all need to remember -- myself majorly included -- is that no one has any power over us unless we give it to them. She cannot move in if you and your husband say no. I know she would drive you crazy. I would try to steer her toward a better situation. And when she gets in your face, just recognize it is a bullying tactic. (If she bullies you before she is even with you, imagine what she'd do after she got her feet firmly planted.)