My mom has begun to shadow me apparently. She is vision impaired along with the dementia, she is not following me around so to speak.
When I leave the room she has started to say " Hello?" "Are you there" "Where are you?" It is continual until she sees me, regardless of the fact that she can hear me.
She only does that with me, not my siblings or my spouse, or anyone else that visits daily. I am her caregiver 24/7, so I sense this may be the reason.
I have noticed that when I explain to her what I am going to do, the calling after me is much worse. I have attempted to keep her engaged in an activity while I take care of chores, cooking, whatever. I have also tried to talk to her from the other room to reassure her. Anybody have any suggestions in this regard? .
If she knows I am leaving she starts with the stall techniques, (some that I can't just ignore and go on). Do you know where my phone is? Is it OK if I wash your towel while your gone? You need to take a jacket (on an 80 degree day). Where is soap? Anything that pops into her head to delay me. If she know I am going somewhere the next day she stays awake and patrols the house the entire night. If I don't tell her until I am ready to leave I wind up leaving at least an hour late.
Totally ignores any statements I make about being late or gotta go.
Then she will find 10 things she thinks I have forgotten and calls me before I get to the end of the block.
I know it is partly anxiety, partly controlling personality, she looks so content when I finally leave totally flustered or near tears.
FUN - I sure do get it. I've been getting it for a long time now. I think I first started getting it when I was in my late teens/early twenties, and saw how she was destroying my father (he died in his '60s of alcohol abuse - his only way out, I think). When you hear her tell others, "Oh, I was forced to have children" "I never wanted any" "You were supposed to be a boy" and don't get me started on her labor stories about me!! She's had it in for me since day one. But somehow, by G-d's supreme grace I have been able to rise above it, don't mean to sound self righteous here, but after you have taken so much, why add to it?
I do have my own family as a saving grace (pardon the pun) so I just continue to move forward although I'm sure she thinks to herself, I'M her REAL family!! Don't forget though, I have a sibling who has absolutely zero input in her care etc. -- but he is always excused!! Typical narcissist behaviour on her part.
Posters on this thread, I am SO with you. We are all in this together!! How refreshing to finally find a place to vent, to be heard, to voice opinions and above all, to get some respect!!
Thank you all. It can't go on forever..........??
Ok, I know I haven't posted anything recently about the health issues for a lot of reasons, more so because I care more about what's going on in your lives than mine but questions have arisen so here's what I found out today. The cancer is still prevalent and causing pain on a daily basis. The diabetes is still not under control because of the blood sugars, and the HIV, well I just don't know or care about it any longer because it just doesn't matter to me.
I went to the eye doctor today because last Saturday I suddenly lost vision out of my right eye. I wasn't worried about it until it continued. This was one symptom I was told about a few months ago but until it actually happens then it gets a little scary. They eye doc sent me to the ER where they happened to have a retina specialist over there who graciously made time to see me. As I sat there waiting and watching the eye doc see several patients and seemed very happy especially when he told them everything was going to be all right, imagine my horror when as he was looking and testing my eyes, he was very quiet.
Finally he asked if I had been told about what would happen as my health declined due to the diseases racking my body and the side affects of the meds I was taking. I said yes, and he quietly told me that my eyes were not getting the oxygen to the nerves that they needed and I would slowly, gradually is what I think he said lose all my eyesight. Weeks, maybe a couple of months he said but I would go blind before anything else happened. So many emotions are happening but I'm hoping that I get to see all my friends ride out of Cow Palace in June, that means a lot to me so keep your fingers crossed and let's hope that there's a purpose for all we go through in life....love you guys and ladies!
Whenever my mom whined or got ugly about things I looked her straight in the eyes and asked her "don't you think my father would've liked to live to see his 70th birthday? Here you are being taken care of. You are so ungrateful and filled with so much self pity and you think it's ok to treat my kids and me like dirt. You should be ashamed of yourself."
Respect goes both ways.
New International Version (©2011)
"'Stand up in the presence of the aged, show respect for the elderly and revere your God. I am the LORD.
New Living Translation (©2007)
"Stand up in the presence of the elderly, and show respect for the aged. Fear your God. I am the LORD.
English Standard Version (©2001)
“You shall stand up before the gray head and honor the face of an old man, and you shall fear your God: I am the LORD.
New American Standard Bible (©1995)
'You shall rise up before the grayheaded and honor the aged, and you shall revere your God; I am the LORD.
King James Bible (Cambridge Ed.)
Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honour the face of the old man, and fear thy God: I am the LORD.
Holman Christian Standard Bible (©2009)
You are to rise in the presence of the elderly and honor the old. Fear your God; I am Yahweh."
International Standard Version (©2012)
"Rise in the presence of the aged and honor the elderly face-to-face. "Fear your God. I am the LORD.
NET Bible (©2006)
You must stand up in the presence of the aged, honor the presence of an elder, and fear your God. I am the LORD.
GOD'S WORD® Translation (©1995)
"Show respect to the elderly, and honor older people. In this way you show respect for your God. I am the LORD.
King James 2000 Bible (©2003)
You shall rise up before the gray headed, and honor the face of the old man, and fear your God: I am the LORD.
American King James Version
You shall rise up before the hoary head, and honor the face of the old man, and fear your God: I am the LORD.
American Standard Version
Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honor the face of the old man, and thou shalt fear thy God: I am Jehovah.
Douay-Rheims Bible
Rise up before the hoary head, and honour the person of the aged man: and fear the Lord thy God. I am the Lord.
Darby Bible Translation
Before the hoary head thou shalt rise up, and shalt honour the face of an old man; and thou shalt fear thy God: I am Jehovah.
English Revised Version
Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honour the face of the old man, and thou shalt fear thy God: I am the LORD.
Webster's Bible Translation
Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honor the face of the old man, and fear thy God: I am the LORD.
World English Bible
"'You shall rise up before the gray head, and honor the face of an old man, and you shall fear your God. I am Yahweh.
Young's Literal Translation
At the presence of grey hairs thou dost rise up, and thou hast honoured the presence of an old man, and hast been afraid of thy God; I am Jehovah.
I think of this verse so many times when mom gets on my nerves. I think of it as a training verse.
Pick a place to visit, any place, preferably out-of-the-country. In my case, I chose India. Go. Do NOT leave a phone number or any way to get in touch with her. Make it clear that you DO have a life that does NOT revolve around her and that you will NOT be giving it up just because SHE WANTS you to. This will be a hard three weeks for her. You, on the other hand, if you got to a good place will be too busy, too tired, too amazed to worry about her non-stop as she wants you to. Life will be much better when you get back. The tyrant will be less likely to flex her useless muscles to whip you into line. Take no prisoners or you will become one!!!
Yes, everyone will be pissed off at you. Here's my new motto: It's better to be pissed off than pissed on! And think of all those great memories you will have as well as renewed confidence in yourself that you really can cope--you really can survive without anyone else and you don't have to be anybody else's bitch.
Book those tickets now. One of her friends can keep track of her while you are gone. LEAVE NO WAY TO CONTACT YOU that you will actually respond to. Get emails if you must but do not write back. You can be "too busy" traveling to get in touch with anybody. Bon voyage.