Any neat tricks for 'hovering' or 'shadowing'?

My husband has begun to do this, not a lot yet. But it is a bit annoying to me, as he comes into my study and sits down, and this is where I often go to try to get a break. He doesn't want to talk really or engage with me, so I can usually go on doing stuff on the computer. But I can see this might become quite difficult.

Hard to say why each of our aged member react like they do. Mine doesn't want to get her hair done by someone else other than me. I have given up and do it. But I see how happy it makes her when I do. It is like she doesn't trust anyone else to do anything for her. I've noticed she is calling me mom lately. L ots of funny stories with that. I took her with me to get my license renewed today and we sat there 3 hours and she didn't complain at all. I got her a Zaxby's sandwich on the way home. She ate it and drank a Boost and went to bed at 4. I haven't seen her since. She sleeps all night and gets up between 7:30 and 8:30. Getting her tired is okay with her as long as she gets to go out.

MY MOM IS 96, AND BASICALLY DOES THE SAME, ONLY SHE DON'T KNOW WHO ANY OF US ARE ANYMORE. SO WHEN SHE CALLS MY NAME AND I COME TO HER, SHE DON'T THINK IT'S ME. 1SHE'S BEEN LIVING WITH ME FOR 6YRS. THOUGH IT'S PAINFULL THAT SHE DON'T KNOW ME, I PUSH ON. TO KEEP HER BUSY, I GIVE HER OLD SOCKS AND TELL HER TO HELP ME PUT THEM INTO MATCHES. WHEN I SEE SHE'S BUSY MATEING THE SOCKS, I DO WHAT I HAVE TO DO. I BOUGHT HER A DOLL BABY, SINCE SHE RAISED 10 KIDS OF HER OWN, AND 30 THAT WERE'NT. MAKES HER FEEL MOTHERLY. I HOPE ALL GOES WELL FOR YOU. I JUST JOINED THIS SITE ABOUT AN HOUR AGO. I'M GLAD I DID, GETTING A LOT OF IDEAS. THIS IS TRUELY A GOOD SUPPORT SYSTEM.

FedUpNow -
When I first read your posts I was a little shocked, but now that I have an idea of your history, I can see why you say what you do. My best friend's mother was like yours. She remained sane by coming to hate her mother.

Some parents HAVE earned the right to our care, and taking care of them, while difficult, can be quite gratifying. I know that's not your experience, and I have seen others in similar situations. I don't condemn you at all and wish you the best. But you can be scary to listen to!

Keep on doing what you need to in order to survive.

Much of bad behavior comes from boredom. They are depressed by getting old so they don't want to do anything; then they are bored. They want you to make them happy but they want you to make all the decisions so then they can suffer from Lead Singer's Disease (never happy with anything). Whatever you do will be wrong. This gives them something to complain about (displaced anger over their own aging). Negative attention becomes better than no attention. Take a away that shovel you hand them so they can dig a bigger hole of guilt for you to fall into. If my Mother-in-law would allow me to take her out for a haircut or to a senior massage, she might be a lot less bitchy but NOOOOO! She's rather sit at the dinner table and crap on about how miserable she is. Meanwhile, innocent children are blown up at marathon's and her biggest problem is how she is going to shit up our day.

Try rolling her around in a wheelchair and keeping her in the room you are working in as much as possible. She is frightened and feels vulnerable, much like a small child.

Yes, get over the guilt once and for all, here and now, don't carry their shaming techiques anymore and refuse to be a guilt catcher, no more,enough is enough, you aren't bad, you can reprogram all that garbage that they sunk into you to get you to do what they wanted you to do. Free yourself.

This is actually good news for you. Instead of living in denial and hope, you can take positive steps to protect yourself and you won't waste time like we all did grappling with guilt until your own health is destroyed. We are telling the truth, not sugar-coating things. Caregiving is scary. You need to remember to take care of yourself. Good luck. ((((((((( U ))))))))))

This is so scary. I actually feel worse about things since I've been chatting on this site. Because I've only been a caregiver for a year I was hoping things were going to get better but I guess not. I'm on my own.

FUN, I think you and I are twins......we share so many of the same thoughts and attitudes. I loved what you wrote about finding some joy in the day: sometimes just the sound of a bird singing in the backyard is all it takes for me, or the sight of a little chipmunk hovering up any birdseed he can find on the grass below. Oh, you are so right, on SO many levels. Plus, after they are gone, who's going to remember who looked after them? THEY aren't!!
You have put so many of my thoughts into your eloquent phrasing and you seem to be a born writer.
Here's one for you: the day after I broke my leg, my daughter came over and dumped my granddaughter on me so I could babysit her. This week I have an intestinal flu, and guess who expects -- no, feels entitled -- that I should babysit her (now) two children, "because all the other grandmothers do it - you're just cold-hearted". Well her own mother-in-law told her to stop coming over!!
Don't get me wrong: my grands are the jewels and only specks of happiness that life affords me, but I do not need them to be here day in and day out, up to 8 hours at a time, til 10 or so at night. Even when their mother is here I am looking after them!! I do NOT need the extra work of feeding them, cleaning up after them, running after them etc etc etc -- hello, I have my own mother to do that for!!
Oh yes, I can hear the voices in the background "Wow what a doormat! Why doesn't she just say no? You can only be taken advantage of if you allow it", blah blah blah.
Here's how the manipulation (which comes from afore-mentioned entitlement due to spoiling and indulgence from my husband - I was railroad and outnumbered by them) works: calls up, I need to take this back to the store, it's the last day or I won't get my money back, whatever. Shows up here with the one grand, I ask where are you going exactly? Answer: downtown.
Excuse me, where do you believe you are entitled to ask me that on a Sunday when I have my own things to do, you have not been honest about the length of time you wanted me to mind her, and by the way, I am sick??
Once I start complaining about it, then the barrage begins......I (yes I!!!) am selfish, I don't care about them, I am a mean person, and then the ultimate, running to my husband with "Dad, she's kicking us out again" (never mind that they were here all day yesterday, and for meals, which she expects to have prepared for them because "all the other mothers wouldn't dare not have food for their children and grandchildren".
No means nothing to this one. The only way around this that I can see is to not answer the phone, and to be out all the time. This part is hard due to the fact that my leg is still healing.
By the way, ignore the comments above - "darling Mom" - you and I never had the luxury of having a "darling Mom", that's for sure. Let Terrim experience a "Mom" who would knock you across a room for making a face the wrong way, or pushing you down the stairs if you made a comment that she didn't like; then "Terrim" can talk.
And if they wanted someone to look after them in their golden years, they should have thought about that when they were mistreating everyone around them earlier on!
And, hope this makes you feel a little better - my husband is one of 12 children in the family......but guess who had to run to his mother's rescue when she had a stroke 15 yrs ago?? Guess who goes to visit his mother EVERY SINGLE DAY, whether it's your birthday or not, and when I said one day, do you have any idea of how much time I spend alone? says to me (ready??) YOU'RE not in a wheelchair - SHE IS.
Some people's children!!!

Debralee, thanks for that tidbit. Well, I'm not one for drinking her Koolaid nor do I live in Lala land. Some people don't have enough to do so they like stirring the pot. Makes me wonder why they don't use their time showing empathy instead of being a judgmental joke. Takes all kinds...

Terrim comments on many different posts and basically says the same thing. It is the old proverbial Honor thy father and thy mother, be grateful what they did for you as a child, you owe them and all that other BS. This person has created a lot of animousity on other peoples posts. I wish she would offer sound advice on her caregiving experience and leave out how much it is an honor in doing caregiving!

Terrim, I would be interested in your caregiving credentials: how many people have you cared for and for how long? I have been caring for my mother-in-law since she was 76. She is now 97. Do the math: 21 glorious years of being bashed. At the same time, I took care of my husband during his twelve surgeries in seven years for cancer and his kidney transplant which is now failing; along with my stage 4 terminally ill father who finally died of prostate cancer after 11 years, along with my Parkinson's/Alzheimer's father-in-law until he died (the day my husband came home from the hospital for his cancer surgery), my other who died of breast cancer and died in courage and dignity, not like my husband's mother, and my stepmother currently with Parkinson's/Alzheimer's who is not violent but totally incapacitated. Walk a mile in my shoes. Oh, can't get them laced or tied? I am not surprised.

I don't know who you are Terrim but you need to ditch the judging. You have absolutely no idea what some of us have been through with our parents. I find your response to be inappropriate, judgemental and offensive. Whether you believe in God or not, YOU are NOT the one who will judge any of us when the caregiving years are finished.

PS Terrim, You can take care of my fun little mother-in-law anytime you want and then you can tell me how delightful it all is. You have no business judging me. You have never had anything like this punishment from your mother. And she is NOT my mother. My therapist advised me to take photos, which I did, and to report her to her doctor who gave her meds to try to calm her down, which don't work. Her final assault on me it to tell everyone I HIT her. Unfortunately, for her lying little tongue, the bruises are on me not her, so that doesn't hold water. Are you ready to come get her and do a MUCH better job than me. I'll have her waiting for you.

Dear Terrim, Perhaps you wouldn't be so stunned if, like me, you had been blindsided by your mother-in-law's walker, and when that tore out my right knee and I fell on the floor, she continued to pummel me with her walker until my husband hauled her off!!!!! I had 13 baseball sized bruises on my back AND I will need surgery to repair the meniscus tears on my right knee. That was on her 96th birthday! What did I do to deserve that? NOTHING! My mother-in-law has combative dementia, which means she will hit me every chance she gets for no reason. You try walking a mile in my shoes, kiddo. You wouldn't even make it to the front door. The year before that, when I leaned in to change her diaper, she punched me so hard in the face she knocked out a tooth! What else has the dear little helpless elderly nasty person done to me??? While I was changing her dressing twice a day because she had MRSA, she kicked me in the chest so hard I had bruises on my body three weeks later. I started going to counseling to tell my husband she couldn't live here anymore but he can't see abandoning her. If you think I should put up with this, then you need your head examined. I hope the same thing happens to you and I'd like to see how you feel after three years of abuse. Did you know that elders can abuse their caregivers but if you dare do anything back, YOU will be arrested. IN HELL with no end in sight. I hope you never have to go through anything like this.

She is afraid of being left alone just as a little child would be. Losing your vision is scary too. Poor darling mom! It is her vulnerability, her fear that she will not see you or that you will sneak out and abandon her that is causing her distress. My mom started doing this and she had horrible vision loss. We got her a wheelchair so she could follow along wherever I go. It comforts her and hey, this is mom, so I never want her to feel scared or alone. Be gentle and kind and treat her as you would want to be treated. I am stunned at the advice given here by "FEDUPNOW" who suggests ignoring her, leaving her alone, and telling her to shut up. Anyone like that is not fit to be caring for anyone whether a baby or an older relative.

I think religion plays an important part in offering hope to those who believe in it. As a secular humanist, lapsed Catholic, I rely on various resources to escape my own personal hell of 17 years of caregiving as my own health suffers: I use acupuncture and massage in place of drugs. I use meditation and self-hypnosis tapes to try to fall asleep when I would otherwise be up all night with a Mother-in-law with sundowner's syndrome (sleeps all day, up all night). I watch sunsets with a cup of tea on the back porch and listen to the ducks on the pond as they settle in for the night. I feed apples and carrots to the deer who come to browse in the back yard. I enjoy watching the groundhog bring her babies back to chomp the grass. My best escape is to walk around the yard and neighborhood noticing the small details of what's good in life and taking pictures which I edit on my computer. I am extremely lonely because no one comes here to visit and my husband has chosen his mother over me. Now his kidney transplant is failing. I was in a car accident and crushed 4 vertebrae and broke one on Valentine's Day 2011. I had to drive myself to rehab and when I went to the hospital for bleeding ulcers, I passed out at the admit desk because there was NO ONE there to take care of me. Of necessity, I have had to save myself from the giant maw of self-sacrifice. If I am dead, who will take care of them?! I had to set boundaries and if they don't like it, too bad, so sad. I don't care anymore. There is no magic moment in time when caregiving will stop. And I can't kill myself anymore out of guilt, biblical admonition, or demanding mothers-in-law. No one will step in for elder care. Medicare will take your elderly parent if forced to. You are on your own for as long as you can stagger around under a burden that was unfair to begin with. I see all these questions about how to make a parent happier. It is NOT going to happen. Forget that useless path that leads to nowhere. Save yourself some sanity. If you're gone it will all fall apart. As I said, leave the house, go away for a weekend, or head to a foreign country for three weeks to escape and recoup. Otherwise, you are doomed. Counseling helps, too. You will no longer feel guilty for wanting your own life back. Remember: you are not going to get one extra minute added to your life because you gave it all up for Mom and Pop.

Yes, I you go FedUPNow, I wish we would keep religion out of these discussions. We all have different beliefs and like politics I don't think this is the place for either.

It's called shadowing. And yes, it's because you are her main caregiver, so it makes them feel more secure to see where you are. My husband did this until he degressed further. It does wear on the caregiver, but understandable for the person who depends on you.

I DO have a suggestion and I am NOT kidding. I have actually done this myself.
Pick a place to visit, any place, preferably out-of-the-country. In my case, I chose India. Go. Do NOT leave a phone number or any way to get in touch with her. Make it clear that you DO have a life that does NOT revolve around her and that you will NOT be giving it up just because SHE WANTS you to. This will be a hard three weeks for her. You, on the other hand, if you got to a good place will be too busy, too tired, too amazed to worry about her non-stop as she wants you to. Life will be much better when you get back. The tyrant will be less likely to flex her useless muscles to whip you into line. Take no prisoners or you will become one!!!
Yes, everyone will be pissed off at you. Here's my new motto: It's better to be pissed off than pissed on! And think of all those great memories you will have as well as renewed confidence in yourself that you really can cope--you really can survive without anyone else and you don't have to be anybody else's bitch.
Book those tickets now. One of her friends can keep track of her while you are gone. LEAVE NO WAY TO CONTACT YOU that you will actually respond to. Get emails if you must but do not write back. You can be "too busy" traveling to get in touch with anybody. Bon voyage.

FedUpNow, I haven't tried the shut up technique(my mother would probably hit me) and to tell you the truth, if she ever did, I would hit back!!! I honestly believe that the verbal abuse differs from parent to parent. It depends on what kind of person they were BEFORE the dementia, etc. My mother was always a "prima donna", never would learn to drive so my father and everyone else would be at her beck and call. Demanding, OMG!!! And then I thought it was bad, now she is impossible to live with, yet there is not much else I can do about that right now. She refuses to get home care because she insists she is still as mobile as she ever was. And of course, she wants that control over me that she couldn't have when I was younger and no longer living under her roof. She even says that my life revolves around her now that my husband passed away and I should be thankful to have something to keep me busy! Any suggestions!!

Respecting your parent means honoring their good points not tolerating/enduring/being abused by their bad points. They are not perfect and neither am I. Bible verses can give us courage, faith and hope. They should not be used to increase guilt or misinterpreted to become, "Eat shit and die" when used to justify elder abuse of their caretakers by hitting us, keeping us up nights because they want to sleep all day so they wander all night, endlessly complaining to us rather than confiding in a counselor mindless of the burdens we carry in addition to supporting them. There us no quote anywhere that is going to get me to stop trusting my own instincts and go out on the Titanic for more ice. There is a BIG difference between honoring your parents and enduring their ABUSE!!! That is not honoring your parents; that is screwing yourself.

Leviticus 19:32 ►


New International Version (©2011)
"'Stand up in the presence of the aged, show respect for the elderly and revere your God. I am the LORD.
New Living Translation (©2007)
"Stand up in the presence of the elderly, and show respect for the aged. Fear your God. I am the LORD.

English Standard Version (©2001)
“You shall stand up before the gray head and honor the face of an old man, and you shall fear your God: I am the LORD.

New American Standard Bible (©1995)
'You shall rise up before the grayheaded and honor the aged, and you shall revere your God; I am the LORD.

King James Bible (Cambridge Ed.)
Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honour the face of the old man, and fear thy God: I am the LORD.

Holman Christian Standard Bible (©2009)
You are to rise in the presence of the elderly and honor the old. Fear your God; I am Yahweh."

International Standard Version (©2012)
"Rise in the presence of the aged and honor the elderly face-to-face. "Fear your God. I am the LORD.

NET Bible (©2006)
You must stand up in the presence of the aged, honor the presence of an elder, and fear your God. I am the LORD.

GOD'S WORD® Translation (©1995)
"Show respect to the elderly, and honor older people. In this way you show respect for your God. I am the LORD.

King James 2000 Bible (©2003)
You shall rise up before the gray headed, and honor the face of the old man, and fear your God: I am the LORD.

American King James Version
You shall rise up before the hoary head, and honor the face of the old man, and fear your God: I am the LORD.

American Standard Version
Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honor the face of the old man, and thou shalt fear thy God: I am Jehovah.

Douay-Rheims Bible
Rise up before the hoary head, and honour the person of the aged man: and fear the Lord thy God. I am the Lord.

Darby Bible Translation
Before the hoary head thou shalt rise up, and shalt honour the face of an old man; and thou shalt fear thy God: I am Jehovah.

English Revised Version
Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honour the face of the old man, and thou shalt fear thy God: I am the LORD.

Webster's Bible Translation
Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honor the face of the old man, and fear thy God: I am the LORD.

World English Bible
"'You shall rise up before the gray head, and honor the face of an old man, and you shall fear your God. I am Yahweh.

Young's Literal Translation
At the presence of grey hairs thou dost rise up, and thou hast honoured the presence of an old man, and hast been afraid of thy God; I am Jehovah.


I think of this verse so many times when mom gets on my nerves. I think of it as a training verse.

Beautifully put, FUN......and so, so true, it's ok for them to behave that way but it wasn't tolerated from us. I am so sorry to hear about your friend. I know things are not looking very well at the moment for you in either respect but please don't lose hope. It's the only thing we can hold on to!! Thank you for sharing your friend's voyage. Hope it is a peaceful and painless one.

FUN, I am in total agreement. If a parent gets or is suffering from dementia, their behavior is pretty much out of your control. But a parent who is hacked off at the world because they're aging and can't do what they've always done is a whole different ball game. Inflicting anger on their family/caregiver should not be tolerated. There is no excuse for it. We all get old, if we're lucky, and preparing for it mentally and financially is our obligation. If they wind up living with their adult child or in-law why should they get a pass to dish out abuse? Yes, they may act like children but would you let your child act like this? I guarantee, most of them didn't excuse us for it.
Whenever my mom whined or got ugly about things I looked her straight in the eyes and asked her "don't you think my father would've liked to live to see his 70th birthday? Here you are being taken care of. You are so ungrateful and filled with so much self pity and you think it's ok to treat my kids and me like dirt. You should be ashamed of yourself."
Respect goes both ways.

Dear 2stressedout, Adult day care is a great idea. My MIL refused to go, she refused to let us take her to visit friends, she refused to let us have them visit her here. Her sole desire is constant contact with her son. That is an impossible task for the most heroic caregiver. Bad behavior does not get rewarded in this house. You have to be able to be hated, disliked, watch your elderly parent sulk, all the things THEY never tolerated when they were raising YOU. If you remember how little patience they really had with your destructive behaviors and tantrums, you will find it easier to apply a sensible rule of thumb to your situation. If they will NEVER be happy, stop trying to change that and make yourself happy by a few minutes respite from selfish behavior. Somewhere, someone is dying, fighting for their last breath, desperate to live for their family or small children. Whatever your parent's complaints, they don't hold a candle to real suffering. Do not let them burn down your house with their anger that they got old. Your life will not be one minute longer because you impaled yourself on the spikes of guilt and obligation. You can still provide the necessities they need: food, clothes, care but after that, know your limits. If you don't set boundaries, every inch of you will disappear under their demands.

You stated that people visit. Does she do it if you leave the room and she has a visitor in the room with her? Do you get any break from her? Adult day care is not expensive and they pick up and bring them back. You could do one day a week or a few hours 2 or 3 times a week. They have activities for them to do and she would have other people her age to talk to.

The one thing that works is that on a consistent basis, I ignore the bad behavior. If the attention grabbing whining doesn't stop, I leave the house, sit on the back steps with a cup of tea and come back after ten minutes. Being ignored or left alone or told to shut up works wonders. With absolutely NO reward for bad behavior, there are less attempts to fill their boredom with the skin off your soul.

It's so crazy and unfair what we as caregivers to our elderly parents have to go through. It's harder than raising kids because you can usually make a child mind but how do you make your parent/s mind? Siblings won't help so they don't understand and just plain don't care. Why should it be so hard being a caregiver!!!!