How do you determine when to let go or fight to keep somone alive? Hospice recommends to stop feeding my mom, and just give her liquid morphine. She can't make sence when she talks, but seems like she is fighting inside. Don't know what to do. Please help
I realize it is difficult to see her like this; but the not eating is usually a sign that her body just simply doesn't want to any longer; and there is a reason for this. This was happening with my mother while in the hospital and she did not want any more food. The medication the Hospice nurses give is in your mom's best interest and to make her the most comfortable. They are especially trained for this; and this way the patient is in the comfort of their own home or wherever they live instead of a hospital setting.
I found these nurses to be most understanding and helpful. Hugs to you across the miles.
A good friend of mine just lost her mom in the wee hours this AM with hospice in attendance - it was peaceful and easy on her mom after some rough days and nights, but with all the family having chances to visit and talk and be there for each other, and its still sad but was probably absolutely the right thing done the right way.
As Pam mentioned, talk to the hospice nurses and ask them for more information. There are definite signs that passing is imminent, and they will help you through this difficult time.
Again, please don't think I'm being insensitive to your situation - I went through this myself with my father-in-law over 15 years ago, my grandmother about 10 years ago, and just last year, my own father. I keep saying I will never watch another human being die, because it's just so hard emotionally....but I must have the word "caregiver" tattooed on my forehead or something, because I keep ending up as the caregiver who takes the aging relatives into my home, or otherwise takes care of them - which means I'm usually there when the end comes.
Just be there for your mom. She knows you're there, whether she makes sense, acknowledges your presence - or not. Trust me, she knows, and it will be a comfort to her to know you're there with her.
When my dad passed away last year, we went to visit him in the afternoon, and he was very groggy, in a lot of pain, wanting to sleep all the time, not eating and not drinking. His blood pressure kept bottoming out, and he was very weak from all the infections he had. We met with his physician, who had a plan to move Dad to another hospital where dialysis could be done 24/7, and to get him more "nutritionally stable" because he had stopped eating/drinking. To our thoughts, this was a good plan, but in the back of our minds, we all knew it would probably be a futile effort, and that Dad probably would not be with us much longer. We went to Dad's room, got him to wake enough to understand us, and I asked him if he wanted to stay with us and fight this thing...or if he wanted to stop all the treatments, dialysis, and just let go. (Hardest thing I've ever done in my life, and it brings me to tears still to think about it.) He said at first he didn't know what to do...then he said "stay". I asked if he meant he wanted to stay with us and keep fighting (which meant following the doctor's plan of moving to another hospital, etc), and he nodded his head...then drifted back to sleep again. We informed the doctor and he said he'd start making the arrangments to move Dad to the other hospital and we went home.
1 hour later, we got a call that Dad was not responsive and we needed to return immediately. This was at 8:30pm. He passed away at 11:15pm.
So you see...even though our mind says "fight", sometimes our bodies are just ready to go. I don't know if your mom has an advanced directive, but I assume that since she is in hospice care now, you have all that covered already. I really do wish you the best, and I hope you and your mom can get through this in peace. There is no easy way to go through this kind of thing.
Much peace to you in the coming days.