My husband died after a 7 month illness and my dad died two weeks to the day after that. My husband and I had been caring for my mom and dad for several years. I still care for my mom. My brother reluctantly came down to FL from NY for my husband's service; his wife did not. Neither one of them came back for my dad. I was left alone (Mom has dementia) to make all arrangements for my dad while going through (and still going through) the most heartbreaking time of my life. I expressed this to my brother just recently (about 6 weeks later), calmly and in the form of an email - his preferred method of communication. His response "Sorry that you feel that way." Should I even bother to mend this fence?
Obviously he was fond of your husband. I'm going to guess that when dad died, brother just could not face more grief and shut down. I'm not making excuses for him. I have seen the same shut down in my SIL, who is very upset by her mother's continued decline. While you or I would jump up and do MORE for mom, she does less. She visits less. I asked her to give mom a shower and she doesn't do it. Check the laundry? doesn't do it. How about checking mom's BP/temp/O2. Doesn't do it. Absolute shutdown.
However. I have not changed my view, for this reason. Let us be charitable and assume that the OP's brother has sound reasons for his behaviour - we none of us have any idea of what they might be, but let's assume there are reasons. His failure to attend his own father's funeral - and let's face it, that is by any social norm a biggie, which is why even the meanest employer would allow compassionate leave for it - could therefore be the result of history, issues or even totally unrelated problems of which we are entirely ignorant. We wouldn't blame him, perhaps, if only we knew what they were.
However. He not only chooses not to disclose those reasons to his sister. He chooses not even to state that there are any. Instead, he verges on blaming the victim, by saying that he is sorry that his sister feels hurt, or disappointed, or let down, or whatever she explained to him that she did feel. Sorry she feels that way. Not even: I'm sorry to have disappointed you. He accepts no responsibility whatsoever for his behaviour, and does not even acknowledge that it has been in any way different from the social norm. No. He's just sorry that his sister's "reaction" is what it has been. He sees her feelings as the problem, not his behaviour as the cause of them.
I'm about to get immoderate again so I am going to leave it there. Wjjlyj, you are owed at least an explanation, if not an apology. The ball is in your brother's court.
I think brother has shown you his boundary - he was attached to mom but not to dad. He's given you a very healthy response to your email, that he is sorry you feel that way. He may have been in therapy to get to that place. There may be issues with dad and or your husband that you don't know about. If brother wants to get in touch with you, he knows your email address. In the mean time, I would talk to a therapist about what went on and what to do now.
You have the option ( for Your peace of mind) to continue to send him updates on the home front knowing that he will not step in to help ease your stress. Or take it as a sign from his no-show at the funeral, that he doesn't want to deal with you at all - even when one of you dies. Therefore, it's time for you to cut the family cord on your side (since he already did on his side).
No need to mend fences ... unless something major in the past blew up and he walked away?
It would also depend (for me) on the overall relationship you've had with your brother through the years. Is this par for the course for him when it comes to you, or has he generally been a good guy and he just wasn't interested in helping with your folks? What was his relationship like with your parents? I'd need more info before I decide what I'd suggest, other than waiting to see how you feel when you get a little more time under your belt.
SORRY YOU FEEL THAT WAY????
Don't email him again. Send him an imitation dog poo and a card saying "sweets to the sweet." I stress the imitation part - it is an offence to send foul material through the mail.
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