Mom (just turned 92) took a spill in January - didn't break anything, but injury/pain required hospitalization. Prior to this, she was in her own place - with me providing all groceries, meals (for her to nuke), transportation, etc. It's been a slow spiral downwards since. She was in rehab - back in hospital - back in rehab - and is no longer able to be on her own and needs assistance for daily activities. Decision was to transition from rehab to skilled nursing (same place, they are great and it was smooth transition.) Siblings don't live in area - it's just me. Things are "stable" at this point. Her mental status is good most times - prior to this period, her mental faculties were about 100% but, since being in hospital, facility she has some days where there is some confusion (I guess this is natural.) Long story short, I'm (very slowly) working through the (expected) guilt of this transition period. Now - my husband wants me to self-care and wants us to take a short break - trip out of town for a week (I work full time.) I am now having a hard time feeling okay about the trip. Like I'm abandoning mom. Ugh... Meanwhile, the sibs that don't live in town are just going on with their lives without any of the guilt -- or caregiver/poc responsibilities.
you mom is 92 she raised you and of course you feel guilty but if you have been doing your best, maybe just for a long weekend, you could get a family member to help out. you need time for you, not only mom or hubby - remember that or you won't be worth any good to anyone
My dad has dysphagia and trouble swallowing, but I found a place that will do any kind of special diet for him. They even allow people in wheelchairs. But they do outings, have movie night, bingo, card games for people to participate in. Finding the right assisted living place where it can take the strain off you I feel is huge.
You can't fully be there for your parent, if you aren't taking care of yourself. I have to put care for myself at the top of the list.
I take 3 day mini vacations every 2 months. I make arrangements for my cousin to visit mom every day I am not there (I pay her nicely) and it works.
NOW, the Guilt....yes, I went thru that, but after doing it a few times it is alot easier now. I know my limits and I recharged my mental and physical mind/ body and when I went back I was feeling great. I talk to my Mom 2 times a day when I am not with her. During my mini vacations I call once. My cousin is wonderful and that helps tremendously because I know Mom is being cared for. Mom is ok to sleep alone, cleans house , cooks for self still. When I'm there I do yard, mop floors, Dr. Appt., finances, shopping, medications, visit Dad, etc.
Very important to take mini vacations or weekly days off. If not, you will end up with physical issues or resentment and that is not good. I have no siblings, my wife supports me by keeping our home and property up. She comes with me at times and does property upkeep.
My Mom encourages Breaks and I'm luck she supports this. She tells me all the time that they are sorry that they are a "burden to me", I always say " you are my parents and I love you and you both are my Blessings not burdens". At my age, I still have both parents and that in it's self is Wonderful. I am the luck one.
Take the vacation (s) they will help your husband and you feel kind of normal again. You deserve TIME FOR YOU! Remember, the time you take is WELL DESERVED. Take a break, get emotionally and physically recharged and enjoy!
Of course, I was feeling guilty and wondering how I could leave my mother with my self-absorbed and unwilling sibling or with her sitter and expect her to be properly cared for. So in the end, I didn't go visit my son.
I will forever regret not going. Every time I think about it, it makes me sick.
I'm still here today chained to my mother at home and know now that she would have been just fine and my sibling could have managed. Or I could have hired someone to give live-in care for a week.
Don't do what I did. If you want to go, then go and enjoy yourself.
My advice? Give the nurses the contact for your siblings and enjoy your vacation.
Peace.
No precise advice but I do hope you can take a break with your husband! Sending blessings…
My stress level was ridiculous, affecting my marriage and my health. One night I had a meltdown on the living room floor shouting "I have NO wiggle room in my life" when my husband floated the idea of something fun. Our relationship seemed to struggle for about 2 years after that incident. I ended up having to see a therapist for a while. Honestly I am still decompressing from being on-point & on-call continually for years.
I have mom in assisted living now. I soooo cherish my Sunday mornings these days. I just turned 55. Self-care is becoming more necessary each month that goes by and I don't take my time for granted. I have a friend who is 58, was diagnosed with aggressive cancer 6-8 weeks ago, and now can no longer take care of herself and may have to go into a nursing home. She and her husband stayed-put while her elderly (85+) mother was living with her several years ago - the mother outlived the husband. Parents don't have the right to steal their children's lives, security & hope. They just don't. We each get one life.
Now is also the time for you and hubby to get away and discuss how the future will be managed. Will Mom go into care (I recommend) or to your own home. You need time together to discuss this whether on a trip or at home.
Now is also the time to discuss discharge planning with the facility. It sounds as though Mom cannot return to independent living. Time to discuss.
I don't know how long Mom will remain in rehab. Discuss with their discharge planner how close by phone you can remain to discuss this issues (often the Social Worker in charge of Mom's case).
Whether you leave now or not is not really the point if this is only a week in time, not too far away, and with good contact with facility. What IS important is that you and hubby discuss next moves. As you say, this is all on you. You have tough decisions coming. I wish you the very best. Whether you leave or not your hubby needs to understand that THIS is currently where your brain is, and THIS is where it SHOULD be at the moment.
You also need to understand now at the get-go that you are using the WRONG G-word. Guilt? Are you a felon? Did you push Mom down the stairs alla Richard Widmark? No. Your G-word coming is GRIEF. Embrace it. Refusing to recognize the pain and tears coming for you ALL is not going to help. This is worth mourning, and mourning, unless you have a magic wand, is what is coming. There are changes that will occur that are inevitable and are a result of our human limitations, not a result of our evil-doing.
I wish you the best.
Getting groceries, making meals, I am going to assume the "etc." included other chores around the house as well.
Saying prior to the fall her "mental faculties were "about" 100%" is like saying you are a little bit pregnant or a little bit lost. You are or you aren't.
You have noticed a decline since being in the hospital. That is common. But you may also be realizing how not 100% she is.
Your mom is in Long Term Care. You are not abandoning her.
Your mom is safe
Your mom is being cared for.
You deserve a bit of time to yourself.
You have NOTHING to feel guilty about.
Your husband is right. Get a way for a bit. come back relaxed.
Many times caretakers get so involved that they lose themselves and thus their family members pay the price.
Your mother is safe, she is cared for, you and your husband are entitled to a life without your mother. If something happens let your siblings handle it, maybe it's time for them to step up.
Guilt is a self imposed emotion most of the time it is the result of fear, it is a trap that can ruin ones life.
Don't give up your life and happiness for another, take care of you, your husband and any children, they should always come first.
Enjoy your vacation.