Stepdad is in charge of finances, won't accept help and won't appoint a POA. Mom defers to him. In the process of moving, we discovered that dad wasn't paying some bills at all (was under the impression that he had "cancelled" them by simply not paying). And he has been *way* overpaying other bills -- like thousands of dollars on old cell phones they haven't used in at least a year. He also was ordering tons of magazines that they weren't reading. The list goes on... My brother and I have paid off and closed some old accounts that we are aware of, but have no idea what else is out there and dad doesn't want anyone in their business. They have both been diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment, but it's gone beyond that. (Example: Every time stepdad sees how much their assisted living community costs -- it's actually one of the more affordable ones-- he says "Per month!?!?!" Then, I write down everything for him again, explaining how they can afford this and that it will be ok. He says ok, then the next time he sees the number, he freaks out again.) Stepdad skipped a neurology appointment last month in their old town, so we're trying to set up a new one, but it's a lift -- he doesn't want to go and I don't live there. He won't acknowledge that he has any issues or needs any help. Is there a legal way for us to help with their finances? They don't have a lot of money and my brother and I don't want a cent -- we simply want to make sure bills are getting paid and that they are *not* paying for things they are not using. We want to help them stretch their funds as far as possible, so they can live out their remaining years in comfort. Help!
You can try explaining this to your SF, but sounds like he won't remember it. Guardianship may be in his future.
Does your Mom have a PoA? I would make sure it isn't him...
In your shoes, I would get a consultation with an Elder Law attorney on how to best protect your mom.
Does step-dad have any children?
Lawyer can advise on splitting of assets, help with Medicaid application and the like.
I wonder if he'd accept a person other than you and your brother to be his "bookkeeper?" Such as your neighbor who used to work as an accountant and could manage things for him. That's a long shot, but gotta be creative.
Also, if stepdad isn't using online bill pay, he might be interested if you could convince him that it would save him a lot of time and it's so nice not to have to write checks every month. Once autopay is set up, the money goes directly from his bank to the creditor on schedule, and of course you or brother would have to help him set it up. You'd then have his passwords and could monitor the accounts. This is perfectly legal; all you're doing is "helping" with his perission to do so. Eventually he'll forget what's even going on.
Ideally you'd see an eldercare lawyer who would tell you how to get control of everything so you could take care of these elders who no longer can cope. You should make an appointment and see what the lawyer has to say.
My dad had outdated phones and burglar alarms that no longer worked, and he'd been paying for them for 10 or 15 years. Money down the drain! So I get how important it is to clean things up and cancel immediately.
About the neurology appointment, you already know what you need to know. Putting a medical name on it as to Stage 3 or 5 or whatever makes no difference in the practicality of the situation. You can keep trying with the med appointment, but as you know, preserving their money is way more important, so put most of your energy into that.