Caring for my mother is in itself stressful. My sister is a co-caregiver who stresses me out as well. Often when I leave there to return home, my nerves are frazzled. After a three week gig of 24/7 I have finally returned home. I live alone so it is very quiet and peaceful, particularly on a Sunday afternoon. I'm now feeling as though I don't want to go back, even for the holidays which would break my mother's heart. Has anyone else ever found themselves in a similar situation? How did you deal with it?
I feel that the most realistic answer is, enjoy the blessing of being able to go back to your home, to your quiet and peaceful place, and also value the blessing of being able to participate in the care of your mother, even if it stresses you out; we, all caregivers, experience that and can relate. Try to work on yourself, as to how to “block the chaos”. It is very hard, but possible. When you are with your mom focus on what needs to be done and to have quality time with your mother. Avoid confrontation with your sister because at the end of the day, you both are trying to do your best. This journey is tough for everyone, including for those that don’t participate!! I would think so, because most of them would have to deal with guilt at some point...or with karma!
Concentrate on what you do, more that on what others do or don’t do. It’s the best way to make this journey more manageable. And I mean what I say about being able to go back to your place where you can enjoy solitude and calmness. Many caregivers don’t have that luxury. Make the best out of your time alone! Do what you want, do things that feed your soul! which includes doing nothing at all.
And I wouldn’t miss Christmas with your mom! Remember Christmas is an specially great time to make memories that you will cherish forever. Remember you will go home afterwards but you’ll have made your mom happy even if with a little sacrifice. Try to make the best out of it!
Good luck Salutem!!
Salutem, I'm not implying this is your situation. You are doing a tough job the best possible way. It just creates stress on stress dealing with our aging parents who won't let their children hire outside help.
I think it's probably not you or them, it's the situation itself. And presumably they too are finding it pretty rough going.
So. Taking all things into consideration, what (thinking of ideals) would work for all of you and your mother too? What would you like to happen given the fact of your mother's stroke and disability?
My mother loves and encourages chaos. I help her out at certain pivotal points but do not live there. No way will I go there Christmas day. She'll have her noisy pack of hangers-on and users. I am staying home.
Maybe you can find a way to reduce your time at your mom's by hiring help or letting her be alone more. These old people aren't babies--do they all really need constant company to survive? If they are so helpless then they should be in nursing homes. Don't give up more of your life than you really want to--you can't get it back.
HEY YOU GUYS...I A IN CHARGE THIS YEAR OF ALL HAPPINESS AND ALL HOLIDAY JOY THIS YEAR AND IF YOU WANT TO MAKE THIS TIME BEARABLE I SUGGEST YOU GET A PAD AND PEN AND TAKE NOTES. WE WILL GET ALONG OR DIE TRYING!
KEEP A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND PRAY ALL TE WAY UNTIL YOU STEP OUT THE DOOR TO TRAVEL BACK HOME!
DR COPERTINO
I work full time. He lives with me. He is 83 and he has his problems but not to the point where he cannot be left alone for a few hours a day. I have a caregiver come in once a day 5x a week to assist with the afternoon meal and be a companion for about two hours. I do the rest... bfast, dinner, outings, laundry, cleaning, reminding him to bathe, reminding him to brush his teeth, change socks, pick up after him, find his glasses... etc.
Sometimes I do get frustrated and I just go into the other room say a "help me be with me" prayer to my Lord Jesus who gives me peace... then back I go into the grindstone.
Yes... I get it and it isn't as bad as yours sounds but thats what helps me.
Not everyone has loving parents or siblings. People who do can never understand.
I second the suggestion to use your mothers money for medicare Certified Nurse assistants, which they pay for.
Or a qualified nursing home or care facility.
I am sorry that your parents did not plan for their old age care.
Why don't you have help to deal with her? - 3 weeks of 24/7 is too much - you are sleep deprived & the fact you have made your own 'quiet little nest' at your place just emphasizes even more
Hire someone [semi?] professional to do some of the work - maybe a couple of nursing students or such that will take the night shift ... they can doze on the sofa & get up with her from 11:00 to 7:30 so you get proper sleep [with ear plugs in] - they will awaken you for any non routine issue - by using the nursing students they will be more aware than most of what is needed to be done
I decided the hell with them. It is their lose if they don't want any part of helping and seeing parents for the time that they had left on this world. I took care of my parents, one alz. and the other dementia, both incontinence and other major problems.
It was very hard but I took care of them until god called them to heaven. I don't regret any of the time I spent with them. I forgot the bad and love reliving the good times. I learned so much about my parents that I never knew. but most of all I learned to love them so much more than I already did.
My ex-sisters still haven't tried to contact my parents or me. I never even told them they passed and they never called to ask.
I consider myself an only child and don't regret any of the care good or bad I needed to do for them. I would do it all over again
and not think twice.....love and miss both of them.....