Unable to communicate without an argument. Is this normal behavior for someone his age?

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. It’s hard. It hurts when someone is continually combative, especially when you are trying to help them.

My dad was a sweetheart. Mom could be contrary at times. My brother expected me to do EVERYTHING for him. You know when it stopped? When I stopped doing everything for him.

Yeah, it got ugly, but I was losing my mind. I had to make myself a priority. I was already caring for my mom. I couldn’t stretch myself any further. You sound like you are at the end of your rope.

My brother was not going to change. I doubt that your dad will, not on his own anyway. So, you’re going to have to help him by not being available and as sad as it is, let him figure it out. He will. Or he will reach out to someone who will help him. He will be better off in the end and so will you.

My brother ended up reaching out to someone that got him into a wonderful ‘end of life’ hospice house. We reconnected and made peace with one another. He was sorry for expecting so much from me. I completely forgave him. He died peacefully. Allow your dad enough time alone to process his behavior.

Wishing you peace during this challenging time in your life.

Step away. Your father has made his choices and NOTHING you can do or say will change that.

Nope. Not normal behavior IF he hasn't been this way his whole life.

Do you have power of attorney or are you on HIPAA forms so that you can talk to the social worker/discharge planner at the hospital?

Maybe he is telling them that you will care for him, and that's why they are discharging him.

Or maybe he is competent to make his own bad choices and there's nothing you can do.

I think it's woth a call to the hospital to tell them that you work full time and will not be providing care for him. Period. End of story. It might change their discharge plans. Or not.

In any event, take a giant step back and allow him to be "independent". The sooner you stop enabling the charade, the sooner he will get help.

Is it "normal behavior"? No matter what age, it's only "normal" if this is how the person was all along. Sure, a person can become more curmudgeonly as they age, but based only on what you've provided, it's more than just being grumpy.

"He's going to die alone if he doesn't allow me to step in and intervene."

Based on all that you've reported, this is a possibility. Also based on what you've said, there could be several issues going on, but the one that floats to the top is cognitive decline. This includes being unable to take care of himself, eat properly, manage his bills and more than likely manage his diabetes. Dementia does predispose him to cognitive issues, aka dementia. UTIs can bring out abrupt personality and other issues, but this has been ongoing for a while now, so it's more likely cognitive.

Trying to reason with him isn't working. If it's some kind of dementia, you're not going to get him to see his failings. In his mind, he's younger and quite capable. Suggesting otherwise is inviting arguments! I almost chuckled about the ambulance - my mother would get UTIs and know it, but rather than drive herself during daytime hours, she'd wait until night and call for an ambulance. I don't know of any ambulance "service" that takes anyone home, that's not what they provide. She'd call my YB for a ride home. When I'd try to point out that it was wrong using the ambulance, as it takes the service away from someone who truly needs it, her answer was that her insurance covers it (they did, but that's beside the point!) No amount of reasoning would work with her.

Assumption here is there are no POAs in place. Given his current state of mind and recent behavior, it isn't likely he would agree to appoint you as his POA. If you want to provide some care and oversight, it will require guardianship. That takes time and money (which HIS assets should pay for.) In the meantime, he is already in the hospital. Without POAs, the doctors can't discuss his medical condition with you, but YOU can provide some insight to them and suggest the doctor do some cognitive testing. Be sure to point out everything to them:

*Inability to properly feed himself
*Inability to care for himself
*Inability to manage his finances
*Probably unable to manage his diabetes

Also stress EMPHATICALLY that he is NOT willing to allow you to assist with any of this. When they plan discharge, they NEED to know that he refuses your help and if they arrange in-home assistance for him, he is likely to dismiss or refuse them once he's home. He will very likely tell them that he can manage, or that you will assist him or agree to in-home assistance, just to get out.

If you plan to pursue guardianship, let them know that and ask that they provide assistance and time so you can get this in place. There are ways to get this expedited, in emergency situations, so it is crucial that you get the medical staff on board to assist by testing him and holding him longer, if possible. They can't provide medical info to you, but the court system can gain access to that, and will order testing, to review everything.

Meanwhile, enlist the help of an EC attorney. They can help facilitate and expedite guardianship and also assist in coordinating VA benefits (Medicaid too, if he needs it.) While working on getting legal help, ask the landlord to give you a little time to get this resolved. Assure him that you'll see to it that he gets paid all the back rent from your dad (NEVER offer to make the payments yourself!) Perhaps you could ask him to document how far behind he is on rent payment - that would help with the legal aspects to demonstrate he needs oversight.

While juggling all this, don't try to discuss any of it with him. It's difficult, but if/when you see/visit with him, stay off all the care and financial topics. That's for you to work out through the atty and the court system. You won't be able to reason with him, just be there for him. Let the legal handle it.

Nothing normal about it. But it’s amazing how low the bar is for being considered competent and therefore able to make ones own decisions. Talk to his doctor and the hospital social worker, they may not talk back if there’s no POA or HIPPA clearance, but they can just listen and be fully informed on his situation. When you’ve done that, you’ve done all you should and can for now. Events will happen that will force change, it’s just not fund waiting on it.

This man is holding onto his independence with all his might. With a vice like grip.

Personality, brain changes, life experiences will shape us all differently in old age. IMHO tenacity has a lot to do with it.

My tenacity scale of 1-10 🙃

1: Given up. Sitting there like a well used, well padded armchair. Needing or expecting family or others to provide & do everything...

10: Captain sinking with his ship. His way or no way! Living his way despite no longer being able to shop, cook, clean, wash or even eat. Rotting away into the debris of a rotting house.

Most folk who can reason, would fall somewhere between the extremes. Keeping their independence until they realise they need to accept help & accept life changes. Flexible folk may accept change quicker. Rigid/ stubborn folk longer. Denial? Much longer.

Lack of reason, however may mean awaiting a crises to have change forced upon them.

MyAgingFather, I am sorry I do not have an easy solution for you 🙁. Looking at the situation is a good place to start though. Shall I score your Dad an 8??

Your father is like millions of other stubborn elderly people who have and don't have dementia.
None want to leave their homes to go into a facility and that's understandable.
Stop suggesting he move to a nursing facility. That talk is only going to make him more stubborn and ornery. He will likely shut down and stop talking to you altogether. Many elderly people think the only "help" is going to be a nursing home. That's why they refuse to be open-minded and allow any outside help. Even from family.
You had to put some distance between you and your father. That's also understandable. Maybe you need to put a little bit more for a while.
Sometimes elderly people need a bit of tough love to get them to accept that they need help and they become more agreeable to the idea.
It will be very hard for you to step back, but it's what must be done.
Contact the Department of Social Services in the area your father lives in. Call Adult Protective Services (APS) too and have them make a visit. Your father's stubbornness will very likely lessen when these people show up. They will make it clear to him that he is a high-risk adult and that they have the power and authority to put him in a nursing home if he refuses to accept outside help.
I've known so many families who had to do exactly this with their stubborn elderly who were in denial about still being totally independent and it worked. If it didn't I would not have been working for these people in their homes. They would have been put away in nursing homes.
Please give these two agencies a call for both of your sakes.

It sounds as if dad keeps you in the dark about being able to step in and care for him. Have a talk with Social Services at the hospital and let them know the lay of the land. If dad doesn't allow you to talk to the dr and get his medical information and if the hospital allows him to go ahead and go home on his own, then all you can really do is wait for the other shoe to drop. I will tell you that there was one time dad went to er after falling and cutting his head - something happened and I couldn't get over to get him home; the hospital sent him back to AL - not in an ambulance - but another medical transportation that cost him $50. He may be able to get home in an ambulance but it will cost more than $50.

Now if this is how your father has always been, then yep it is normal FOR him. If he hasn't always been this way then he may need to have his dr evaluate him for UTI or something else. Lets face it some people are very controlling and private. I was REALLY surprised when my father started telling me about his and mom's finances, both appointed me POA and allowed me to step in and take care of their business and medical.

Good luck with your father.

You are still the child and your Dad is still the parent.

Stop trying to Boss him around, it's his life and let him live it any way he wants, even tho he may be making total opposite decisions that you'd be making.

You can find out all the help for him and have it available whenever your Dad decides to use it.

In the meantime, keep seeing your Dad and stay out of his business unless he asks.

Yall will have a much nicer visit.

If he dies sooner, then he'll die a happier man doing whatever his way.

You should just let your Dad know that you love him and are there for him.

Whew! MyAgingFather, you have a lot on your plate. Unless your Dad is deemed medically incompetent and you have a POA in place (which sounds improbable), there is little you can do until circumstances present themselves. Elderly folks want to stay in their homes until they die. Who wouldn't? If he is of sound mind and just curmudgeonly, there is nothing you can do. If he should be admitted to the hospital, your obligation is to speak to his doctor and the hospital social worker (discharge planner) to facilitate his safety. I know everyone talks about HIPAA restrictions, but in my experience (caregiving for hospitalized immediate family relatives), no health care provider EVER refused to speak with me. Hospital personnel don't want to/can't discharge patients to unsafe conditions (unless a patient just leaves and walks out). I doubt your Dad can do that.

If he is not paying his rent at independent living, sh** will hit the fan eventually there, too. Don't pay his bills or enable him. He's been in the hospital 40 times over the last few years because his diabetes is most likely out of control because he's not eating properly or adjusting his meds. Again, there is little you can do. Some elderly parents worry, worry, worry about dying. Then there's others who are angry about getting older, their limitations and lack of friends because everyone their age they know are dying. Then some elderly are getting some dementia or a combination of everything I just mentioned. My dear departed MIL told me several times, "Old age ain't for sissies. It's hard to die." Sometime all they want is someone to LISTEN.

Perhaps you could visit Dad and just sit down with "no arguments" and just talk. Ask him what he wants for the rest of his life. Calmly (and I KNOW that's hard, trust me) give him your suggestions to improve his situation. If HE starts to argue, say "Dad, you're an adult and I respect your wishes, but unless your living conditions change and you allow others to help you now, you will lose control and others will be making decisions for you and they may not be in line with your wishes." It's hard to get old and accept help from others. Your Dad has a wonderful daughter who wants to help but he is fiercely resisting. Tell him you love him and then ask him what he wants. If he says, "I just want to be left alone", then unfortunately that's his choice. Tell him you will call every few days to check in. It's HARD to accept someone who doesn't want what's in their best interest. Don't feel guilty. You're doing your best. Your mental/physical health comes first. You can't help someone if they don't want to help themselves.