I am unable to deal with anymore tears. Any advice?
I lost my Dad in May, he cried every time I went to visit. Now mom is in an ALF and more tears. I spent 7 months visiting my father in the nursing home daily. Each visit was awful, he was tearful, wanted to go home, grabbed me and begged me to take him home. He and I were very close and it absolutely destroyed me to see him like this every day. After I visited him I went to my mother's and told her how he was doing, she cried. I spent 3 months getting her to move to the assisted living with dad. 11 days after moving she broke her hip. We moved her to the nursing home, and moved dad from the assisted living back to the nursing home (I spent 11 days between them, staying nights etc.). Dads condition worsened, he still cried every time he saw me, every time I left, even with mom there with him. He passed away in May. We then moved mom back to the assisted living yet again. Now I am dealing with her grief, her tears every time I leave, every time I come etc. I have had no time to grieve for my father and at this point this has been going on for over a year, and I moved them 8 times in 7 months. I had to pack up their house of 35 years, run an estate sale, make funeral arrangements, etc.
I need to find a way to distance myself emotionally, but as an only child I have no other support from siblings. I am so tired, and I start dreading going to visit the day before I have to go. Wednesday she is returning to her old house for the last time and I already know what that will be like. I don't want to get angry, but after all of this I am at my emotional wits end. I am also her POA and have an immense amount of work from that. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Oh, I forgot to mention I am 66 years old, and my mom is 90.
Delegate, delegate. No siblings doesn't mean you're the only person in the world who can establish a relationship with her: and if she won't meet anyone halfway there are people who are really very good at this. Ask a chaplain. Find her a counsellor. See if there is a befriending service - I think they're usually run by volunteers - in your area. But however you do it, call in reinforcements. The point you barely mention is that you've had no time for your own grief, and I know what that feels like. You think "later" but the fact is that life goes on being one damn thing after another and "later" never happens. It'll catch up with you if you don't make space for it.
What you're going through is h*ll, and I wonder what you have in the way of moral support. Close friends - or even not that close - who've dealt with their elderly parents? You'd be surprised how generous people are with help and concern if you ask them; the thing is they never put themselves forward because they don't like to intrude. Also, if you've been dealing proficiently with everything, it may not be apparent to others how much emotional weight you're carrying.
The return home sounds like a grand day out organised by Satan. Are you sure you are prepared to do that? I'm imagining how I would feel about it. I might, but I certainly wouldn't do it on my own - is someone going with you? And if, when it comes to it, you can't face it, then cancel it. It can't be a logistical necessity; you are free to say no.
In short, put other people between yourself and your mother to create more space for your own feelings. But don't give her a hard time. It's not like she's making a fuss about nothing, is it? Helpless criers are extremely irritating, quite apart from her rather selfish lack of regard for how you might take it; but all the same. She's 90 years old, she was absolutely dependent on your father, theirs was an extremely long marriage and her present landscape is blighted. She has things to cry about.
And so have you. I'm so sorry for the lengthy ordeal you're going through.
so , carolpage , maybe you should try getting all " bad cop " with mom . tell her shes pushing you to the point of a gd nervous collapse and its d*m selfish of her and she needs to get her head out of her ass . i think shes playing you for sure but its a known fact that pissing a person off provides an immediate change of gears from self pity . show some teeth . it might be what shes needing .
When you visit can you insist that it is at lunch time and that the two of you go to the dining room. After you have done this a few time move onto other residents activities. She probably won't want to be seen crying in front of other people.
You mentioned that you are 66 so you might enjoy some of the activities too and find that a few of the residents are around your own age and share some of your interests.
I do agree that taking her for one last visit ot he house is not a good idea but if she will be going their for a family Thanksgiving anyway it probably makes little difference. try and make sure she has some prescribed medication soon. many of these meds don't become effective for about 2 weeks so she needs to see someone ASAP.
As an aside are you living alone too and have little outside contact for support? You definitely need help and support. you are all mom has left so you need to be strong to get through this. Blessings
I'll watch my cousin,( who's in a Memory Care Unit) from afar and she's fine, then she sees me and starts to cry tears of joy, she says. I hug her and quickly start talking about her outfit, her hair cut, anything to change the subject. Soon the tears stop.
Get her evaluated for depression. She also sounds a bit manipulative, so you have to set your own boundaries to keep your health and happiness. It's not your job to make your mom happy. That's HER job. You can offer her the means to get help, but she has to choose to take that or not. If she chooses to isolate and you've offered to get her help for possible depression, you've done what you can do. You can't make your mom young. You can't bring your dad back. You can make sure your mom is safe and provided for. But her happiness is an inside job. So take that off your "to do" list. It's not your job!
You said in your profile your parents were showing signs of dementia. How's your mom's memory? My mom cries (she hates being dependent on me) and the first few times it floored me because my mom is NOT a crier. But I've learned that 10 minutes later she's forgotten the whole thing. Your mom may be the same way. Sad in the moment, but much better five minutes later. Hugs to you. As an only child, I'm sure it's difficult. But I have a brother who's no help at all, so even those of us with siblings can feel very alone in navigating the caregiver role.
When she starts to say sad things and cry, what if you change the subject? Take a project for you to work on like a puzzle or old movie to watch? Explain that you want the visit to be cheerful.
And why would your mom go by the house one last time. That is a set up for misery, IMO. An empty house that you can't return to would cause her undo pain. I would refuse to take her and explain that you want to make some happy memories and not bring more pain.
Does your mom have dementia? If so, you may have to make some decisions for her that are for her own best interest, even if she disagrees or doesn't understand.
It sounds like you need some comforting too. I recently looked into some support group members for Alzheimers' family members in my community. They only meet once per month, but I'm hoping it will be a place to share and get support from other people who have been there. You might look into that, since you have no siblings to help you. Plus, this site is a great source of support too. It's really helped me a lot!
Why are you taking her back to her house "one last time?" Do you have a plan of what you'll do if she says she's not leaving?
Has she been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist? She's 90, but she has some good quality of life if she's in AL and not a NH. Depression is a disease that can kill both it's victims and the caregiver. Get her help!
One thing that we feel many times is that we should be able to make someone feel better. Sometimes it isn't possible. All we can do is listen and understand and maybe share happier memories of the person. When we're dealing with end of life things, it's hard to think of the happier times, because all we are seeing are the crises around us. Maybe your mother and you could share some photographs and simple talk while working through the steps of life. I wish it were easier. I don't know anything more difficult to work through with someone than grief.
I am so sorry that you lost your father and that your mother is going through so much. She is blessed to have such a wonderful daughter. Going through the technicalities takes so much of our energy. There are so many other things we need to be doing. We need to deal with our own loss. You are not alone in how you are feeling. All I can tell you is that it does get better.