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Tonia, that is a degrading experience, and an unacceptable response to a plumbing problem, I agree.
But when you say "his wife was tired of him complaining..." that is a pretty dismissive attitude to take, and one that demonstrates that you have not yet had the misfortune to care for someone with dementia.
To echo Pam Stegman, think about this rationally. If your uncle was compos mentis, still had the ability to make his own decisions, had nothing wrong with him, then how exactly could his wife have "put him" in a nursing home? It would be up to him, not her. The very fact that she was able to have him admitted indicates that he is not able to make his own decisions, and you are deceived if you believe that he's just a regular elderly gentlemen who needs nothing more than a little t.l.c.
If your uncle comes to live with you, you won't be going to the store and taking him with you. You'll be lucky to have time to go to the bathroom. Find out a LOT more about the reality of dementia and the behavioural challenges it brings, and remember that it ALWAYS gets worse. Always. People with dementia do not level out and become easier to handle until eventually they slip away.
If you have time to spare and you are the type to care for your own (which I hugely, enthusiastically applaud), then use that time to work with your uncle's NH and improve his quality of life that way. Visit him regularly, by all means accompany him on walks and other activities, agreed with the care team - so that they know, for example, where you're going and what time you'll be back. It isn't a prison, they'll be glad of your help, and your uncle will benefit from the additional attention.
But don't remove him. You will inevitably be biting off more than you will be able to chew in future, and that would end in risk and/or heartbreak all round.
And Nasmir, that was a really nasty thing to say to this lady.
yoir incle has dementia even if he has not yet been declared incompetant, the very fact that he has dementia should give you pause. it means he is no longer reasoning with an adult,s ability and it's a progressive disease, which means he is going to get worse. Much worse. visit him often. Bring him treats. do not remove him from a MH if he's eligible for NH care.
He is in a nursing home because he needs 24/7 care. If he only needed care a few hours a day, he would have been given an aide at home. You are thinking emotionally. Be rational, there is no way you are staying home 24/7. You need to leave home often, work, play, shop. You need to sleep at night.
You would probably have to get legal guardianship to remove your uncle from a nursing home against his wife's wishes. That is a lengthy and expensive process. Consult a lawyer who specializes in Elder Law or Family Law to find out what is involved and what your chances would be of winning such a request.
Without guardianship, the best way you can take care of your own in this case is to visit often. Daily would be good! If you are some distance away then less frequently is OK, but as often as you can. Walk with him every day. The nh staff will love you! Find other activities he likes. Work on a jigsaw puzzle with him. Play cards. Get him involved in scheduled activities he can do when you are not there. Bring in family photo albums to look at with him.
I am not opposed to taking care of relatives in one's home. I took care of my husband with dementia in our home for 10 years. My mom lived in my sister's home for a year before she needed nursing home care. But once someone is eligible for a nursing home, then you really need to provide 24 hour supervision, and need to have backup help.
Dementia progresses. That means it gets worse. Always. If your uncle is eligible for a nursing home now (meaning he needs the kind of care they provide) he is not going to improve to where he doesn't need that much care.
I could leave my husband home alone while I quickly shopped. Then I could take him with me to a store (if he was having a good day). Then I had to have someone stay with him while I went to the store, or to have someone go to the store for me. Dementia can last for years. It always gets worse.
Incontinence is often part of dementia as it progresses. Handling this with a spouse or a parent is stressful enough. Would it be something you'd be comfortable with for your uncle?
Lots to think about.
It is so good you are concerned about your family member! I hope you can find good ways to care for him right where he is.
Will you be willing to wipe his rearend? Will you be able to deal with a man who refuses to bathe or change his clothes? These are the reality. He will ask repeatedly to "Go home", run away- and will be like a two year old who never grows up= getting into toxic cleansers, not knowing that soap is not edible, brushing his teeth with hand lotion. I would instead seek a better nursing home for him.
All I'm trying to do is see what steps opinions don't bother me I understand the concer I worked from the time I was 12 till I was 23 as a CNA In nursing homes and independent homes then worked from age 24 to 35 as a CSS( Community Support Staff) in the MR/DD FIELD.....I Can Handel anything....
Are you sure you want to do this? It is giving up your life for who knows how long. Who is his POA? Then talk to his doctor. What does doc recommend? POA would have to take the steps necessary.
Nasmir, i have noticed that you have been giving very curt, short, inappropriate, and often completely factually inaccurate answers to other people's posts lately. I am guessing you are dealing with some pain/anger in your own situation so you are lashing out at others....am I right? Is there something you need help with?
I agree with many of these other posts. Think long and hard before bringing home someone that needs care. My husband and I provide assistance to both my mother and his uncle. His uncle lives with us in the house and my mother lives in an attached apartment with a great deal of support from us. They have different issues but both require a great deal of time and energy. I don't regret it but I am often exhausted. I bathe my mother. The process of helping her through the confusion of getting undressed, into the shower, washed, dried, lotioned and redressed takes at least an hour and a half. This is in addition to her daily help with food, medications, and pet care. Are you willing to help your uncle in the bathroom? My mother needs me to help her in the toilet in any place but her familiar apartment. Best to you and your uncle.
But with all that experience you've yet to see how to make the transition from Nursing Home back to family care - you don't wonder why?
Does your aunt-by-marriage have Power of Attorney or guardianship or is she your uncle's medical proxy? If so, you will have to challenge those and obtain guardianship for yourself. Do you have plenty of money?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
But when you say "his wife was tired of him complaining..." that is a pretty dismissive attitude to take, and one that demonstrates that you have not yet had the misfortune to care for someone with dementia.
To echo Pam Stegman, think about this rationally. If your uncle was compos mentis, still had the ability to make his own decisions, had nothing wrong with him, then how exactly could his wife have "put him" in a nursing home? It would be up to him, not her. The very fact that she was able to have him admitted indicates that he is not able to make his own decisions, and you are deceived if you believe that he's just a regular elderly gentlemen who needs nothing more than a little t.l.c.
If your uncle comes to live with you, you won't be going to the store and taking him with you. You'll be lucky to have time to go to the bathroom. Find out a LOT more about the reality of dementia and the behavioural challenges it brings, and remember that it ALWAYS gets worse. Always. People with dementia do not level out and become easier to handle until eventually they slip away.
If you have time to spare and you are the type to care for your own (which I hugely, enthusiastically applaud), then use that time to work with your uncle's NH and improve his quality of life that way. Visit him regularly, by all means accompany him on walks and other activities, agreed with the care team - so that they know, for example, where you're going and what time you'll be back. It isn't a prison, they'll be glad of your help, and your uncle will benefit from the additional attention.
But don't remove him. You will inevitably be biting off more than you will be able to chew in future, and that would end in risk and/or heartbreak all round.
And Nasmir, that was a really nasty thing to say to this lady.
Without guardianship, the best way you can take care of your own in this case is to visit often. Daily would be good! If you are some distance away then less frequently is OK, but as often as you can. Walk with him every day. The nh staff will love you! Find other activities he likes. Work on a jigsaw puzzle with him. Play cards. Get him involved in scheduled activities he can do when you are not there. Bring in family photo albums to look at with him.
I am not opposed to taking care of relatives in one's home. I took care of my husband with dementia in our home for 10 years. My mom lived in my sister's home for a year before she needed nursing home care. But once someone is eligible for a nursing home, then you really need to provide 24 hour supervision, and need to have backup help.
Dementia progresses. That means it gets worse. Always. If your uncle is eligible for a nursing home now (meaning he needs the kind of care they provide) he is not going to improve to where he doesn't need that much care.
I could leave my husband home alone while I quickly shopped. Then I could take him with me to a store (if he was having a good day). Then I had to have someone stay with him while I went to the store, or to have someone go to the store for me. Dementia can last for years. It always gets worse.
Incontinence is often part of dementia as it progresses. Handling this with a spouse or a parent is stressful enough. Would it be something you'd be comfortable with for your uncle?
Lots to think about.
It is so good you are concerned about your family member! I hope you can find good ways to care for him right where he is.
brushing his teeth with hand lotion.
I would instead seek a better nursing home for him.
Angel
Does your aunt-by-marriage have Power of Attorney or guardianship or is she your uncle's medical proxy? If so, you will have to challenge those and obtain guardianship for yourself. Do you have plenty of money?
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