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My 87 yr old mum lives with my family and she seems to never be happy or make conversation. Always neg in replays to me. She makes me feel guilty if I need time for my self.

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From what little you write, it sounds as though she's clinically depressed. Have you discussed this with her doctor, or had a consult with a geriatric psychiatrist?
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I totally agree with the above answer.......I have been in the nursing home environment for 20 years due to a family member and with medication, they can do miracles with depression..........it will at least lift her moods........if she is just a negative person generally and is getting you down, you need to set boundries in how she treats you and do NOT allow her to make you feel guilty......you need time to yourself, to recharge and be any good to her........pat yourself on the back, ignore her comments and make time for yourself.......
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I live with my mother and she is extremely negative and everything is in absolutes - when she is happy at something I do for her, or when I return home after running errands and she is lonely and afraid, she doesn't know what she would do without me. When I'm talking on the phone or too tired to wash the dishes right away, if it wasn't for her nothing would get done or all I do is spend time on the phone/computer.

There are a couple of issues at work in mom's situation. Yes, there is depression, and we have tried antidepressants but the side effects were too disruputive and the medication made no improvement on her mood. The more likely cause of her misery is her generally negative personality combined with being in a country she intensely dislikes while missing her homeland. She is looking back on her life with regrets, and is stuck in the past. This is something that no chemical can resolve. There are two general sources of depression - clinical and situational. Personality also plays a factor in how the depression is manifested and dealt with. At this psychosocial developmental stage of life, according to Erickson, people go through a task/crisis/resolution cycle of being satisfied with their life or feeling in despair. The individual is more than a mass of neurons, tissue, bones and organs. They also have a soul. They have also had life experiences that shape their perception and identity.

A parish priest gave me a sage piece of advice one time. I was struggling with not being as compassionate and empathetic with mom as I should be. He told me that loving and forgiving mom was one thing, but I did not have to descend into that abyss with her. Neither do you have to feel guilty or responsible for your mother's feelings. I've tried many options - having someone come in to visit her (she complained it was too often and didn't this person have anything better to do); visiting the UK with her (it's too late now, I'm too old, I don't have the energy anymore, it would be too painful to come back); everything I could think of. She rejected all sources of support. So it is quite possible that no matter how much you do, it will not be satisfactory according to your mother.
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I am living with my mum as her carer and she is the same, although she isn't negative, she literally has no mood whatsoever. She has been depressed in the past and is on a number of antidepressants and I put it down to that. It is very difficult to cope with especially if you are an emotional person. I totally agree that you need to make time for yourself. Maybe invite a friend around for a cup of tea, or take up a nice relaxing hobby. You are doing a wonderful job and whatever you do, don't feel guilty.
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Mom went from gregarious chatterbox to speaking only when spoken to. In her case, it was part of her dementia. At 87 years old, I would be hesitant to add more pharmacology to her mix.

Sometimes I think our loving intentions stand in the way of the winding down process that is old age working its inexorable way to the finish line.

Stop LETTING her "make you feel guilty." She probably isn't trying to do that -- or at least wouldn't want to if she were the mom you've always known. In order to be the best you can be for mom? You need time for yourself. Mom doesn't need a martyr, she needs a rested and invigorated daughter to help her on her journey. Take that time. Lunch or dinner with family...shopping respites..wherever you find your joy. School will keep. You'll be the better for it, and so will mom. There are myriad services that will send caring help your way.
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Try to bring her outside of herself, or she may eventually reside there permanently. Take her to the Dr, explain to them how she is feeling and maybe they will put her on antidepressants. I don't think she means to be nasty, it is just part of her depression. And pray she comes out of it.
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The suggestions so far are all very helpful. A physical and a mental health evaluations are necessary to rule out underlying causes for this condition. It may be a symptom of something. How much socialization does your mother get with her peers? My mother went through a depressive bout that occurred mostly this winter after the death of her older sister whom she had not seen in over 5 years. She was not bathing, changing her clothes, and began not eating. Along with other physical issues, her doctor ordered a move into assisted living. Now my mother is thriving-- eating meals with new friends, daily activities available (participation is optional), playing games or cards in the evenings, monitoring and medication management. She is truly happy! What is nice for her is that she is among peers who share similar memories and current realities. They support each other in ways we cannot give them. With structure, routines, and safety, assisted living can be a relief not only to the caregivers but also to the elderly person and her dignity. Something to consider.

Regardless, socialization with peers is essential for the elderly. Does she attend any functions at perhaps a senior center? church? other activities? Does she have hobbies? Even with playing cards, there are times when my mother's group will play together and a few will be playing totally different games at the same table, which is fine as long as they are not alone and lonely. Because others are going through the same issues, they oftentimes can laugh at themselves and the situation. Acceptance is so important.

Hope this post gives another helpful perspective.
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Simple, blunt, and least frustrating of all actions is to just be happy and converse with her and the rest is out of your hands. You can't know what is inside her right now, but living long in this world is pretty tough on most of us. Love Pray Smile and Talk! God bless.
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No one but you can allow you to feel guilty.
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Mom just passed a few weeks ago and looking through some of the old pics I was actually looking for the last time she was genuinely happy. This is May 2015 and it was Spring 2013 the last time she had a true smile. Sad and hurtful to know how miserable it was for her in the past year. Yes, I am still coming to this website for help and support. You've all become a much needed friend over the past few year and it has been greatly appreciated.
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I have worked in senior living and I share a home with my 80 year old mother, caring for her. Sounds like your mother is suffering from depression or dementia. You said your mother makes you feel guilty when you take time for yourself, is she a narcissistic perhaps or is this new behavior? I would find a good geriatric doctor and schedule an evaluation. Geriatric doctors specialize and are well trained in diagnosing and treating seniors. Let go of the guilt and be good to yourself..you deserve it and so does your family.
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Communcation is at the seat of every relationship, and very difficult to say the least. It may be helpful to honestly express how it affects you and the family. Sometimes they don't know what their effect is. If they matter hasn't been discussed you can't expect any change because people are not mind readers. Often negative speech is tolerated by saying well they are 87! Kindly refuse to tolerate any negative speech, No matter who we are, once we speak words they are our words, we own them we can't give him back, and we are responsible for their effect. My 95 year old mother in law really wants to be a positive person but believe it or not she doesn't know how.

"Every day is a new day until we drag in the past"
Living in the past has very little good effect.
Finally, you may need to very deliberatly keep a positive conversation going. Our example is the best teacher,with zero tolerance to negativity.

In the end, you must feel confident and realize it take real strenth to love the unloveable. Some people much to thier own dislike, look at things negatively....even though the really want to be different! But you....keep up a positve spirt .... its infectious and people love it.
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I am am 84-1/2 year old woman, still part time employed, financially well to do, was always a career girl. father urged me to save for my future and invest, which I have done. he told me to be my own person, and that marriage was the worst trap you could ever fall into in life. To me, his teaching were like the word of God. He was everything to me,but at 87 he died and my world was in turmoil. He was my life, and strength and hope! I kept on going - my work became my life. Now, this past year I realized my life is over - I never married when I had several chances, but never loved them., never had any children, never wanted them, they seemed lile just a burden. My mother never loved me or bonded with me and abandoned me and my father.- we were two against the word. He was everything to me, my whole world. I felt so safe and secure. All I feel now is sadness, I cry everyday, I need someone to help me.
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Our Mom has PTSD, clinical depression, and narcissistic personality disorder. Just forund out about five years ago - while it's not a pretty diagnosis- we all breathed a sigh of relief -"THAT's WHAT THAT IS !" She's been this way for as long as we can remember- was terribly physically and mentally abused as a child. Her doc (who JUST gave us per practice due to Obamacare) prescribed several different things, (not all at the same time) but Mom doesn't like the way they make her 'feel' (RELAXED? CALM? PLEASANT???) I personally go to the Serenity Prayer: I fix what I can (meals, cozy home, pups to pet, sunshine/fresh air, appropriate physical/mental stimulation, outings, visits, etc.) DON'T FIX what I can't (attitude, internal strife, external:opinions/cutting remarks/scowls/judgements/nastiness/angry outbursts-tantrums), and have the Wisdom to know in my heart that I'm doing all that I can, and all that I can is more than enough. Our Mom always expected us to be a 50's TV family- we weren't allowed to be normal children. We had to be perfect. I know we live imperfect lives in an imperfect world. If you agree with me in that statement, then the only advice I have for you is to realize that aging and pronounced stress we caregivers deal with all the time is just a part of the imperfection that is inherent in life and can't be fixed. I pray to be able to tolerate and not lose kindness and compassion. Built into that is also my mantra from Maya Angelou "You alone are enough...You have nothing to PROVE to anybody". (I think TNovak gave us a new one here today, that I'd like to append if I may: "Love-Pray-Smile and Talk - God Bless Us Every One !)
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I literally take it one day at a time with my husband who has PD. I see a counselor and am on an increase with depression meds. My counselor has told me that I have to accept him as he is now and accept the changes that are taking place.
I expect your mom has had lots of losses, parents, siblings, friends, her abilities to do for herself, aches and pains of old age, not knowing what to do with herself and having no purpose?
Is there anything at all that she can help with? folding laundry? setting the table, watering plants, even if it takes her all day?
My husband still cooks, does the laundry and goes shopping for groceries. i have to drop him off because he no longer drives. it takes him all day and sometimes two days to get the laundry done and put away.
he nearly drowns in sweat when he is cooking and sometimes he gets weak and can't finish the meal. when he does the dishes often they are not clean and i have to do some of them over.
i let him do as much as he possibly can for as long as he can so that he has purpose. he is responsible for his meds and when he takes them. i was doing that fore months and then decided he needs as much control has he can manage.
i find it hard to take time for me but i have a good friend who i can call almost every day and i go out for lunch when i have the energy. being a caregiver is emotionally exhausting. seeing the deterioration is so disturbing.
i try to tell myself that getting old is natural and getting weak is to.
I also truly take life one day at a time and i pray a lot.
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antidepressents
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I've seen many seniors get great relief from depression from medical cannabis. I don't recall what the UK's done in terms of legalities, but if this is an option, there are many strains available now that can help. It is obviously very important to make sure she's not taking any medications that cannabis might interfere with. In addition, it's very important to start low and slow. Low dose, slow increase. Many strains of medical cannabis are available as concentrates which can be easier to administer than flowers. Some of these are higher in CBD, a promising compound that assists in lowering inflammation and other conditions that contribute to depression, dementia and other symptoms common to older people. YMMV, but many have found this to be extremely helpful.
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I would like to add that not all people are social bugs. Mom, who is 93. of course, has left that part of her life and does not need it. I do chock most of her negativity up to the getting old and tired natural course of things. Please take care of yourself so you can be most pleasant with her. I've told mom.... "Mom. if I don't take time to take care of myself with rest and recreation, I will be too tired to love and care for you properly. Surely you want me to be rested and happy???" She understood. God bless you.
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Also, anti-depressants did my mom no good... she came alive after quitting those. It is however, a personal thing. You never know until you try.... unfortunately. I just think our rested and happy selves can often do more for our elders than a drug can.
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Find some funny movies for her to watch. One that I love and have used often is called "RAT RACE" and it is truly the most hilarious movie EVER! Or find some comedy series on Netflix for her to watch and if you can take her to the three and four year old Sunday School classroom at your church and have her watch and be entertained by the children. They give free hugs and their stories are great! That may lift her spirits!
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This website is a lifeline for those of us who are in this constant cycle of coping with our aging parents. After taking care of my mother for over 10 years since her stroke, I finally had to admit that her condition was progressing to a point where I just couldn't do it all anymore. She, too, has entered this phase where she seems to thrive on and embrace misery. Night before last, as I was trying to detach and return home for the night, she told me "You can't leave until I am completely comfortable!" I had to hide my amusement with the futility of my situation when I answered, "Mamma, no one over the age of twenty is ever completely comfortable again!" God help us all!
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I have written many times here about the impact that a SENIOR BEHAVIORAL CLINIC had on my mom. (they are all over--just ASK.) She was just as you described. They kept her for ten days and fine-tuned her meds. Now, even six months later, she is delighted to see me EVERY SINGLE TIME I SHOW UP. IT IS FABULOUS. We go for rides, play cards, get ice cream, go for lunch.... she is always easy going and content. I thank God for this clinic every day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do not delay! And, btw, insurance paid for all but $1,000. Well, worth it to me!
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Great concept ! BTW: our Mom was opening the car door to get out of the MOVING CAR en route to PHYSICAL THERAPY. (She did not want that, and got her way.) No Alz or Dementia- just focused anger. (Also declined further radiation and deem. care: multiple basal cells, head, scalp, leg, soon to be ulcerated. Only so much we can do. Have to honor the 'no'.
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You can try to engage her in reminiscing activities, or ask her advise about something. You can read to her and then discuss the story if she likes that sort of thing. Maybe she's depressed, when did she have her last dr. visit? Maybe it's time for an appointment. Check to see if there is a local adult medical day care nearby, it's a great place for her and it gives you a break. Maybe she needs a change in routine, something small/not to big, surprise her with some flowers or a hug and tell her you love her & appreciate her. I know it's not easy, especially when someone is negative, but you just keep trying until you get through. Enjoy her while you can, she won't be around forever.
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My mom oddly says the same of me, that I'm miserable or never laugh or never talk. But she's hard of hearing and it's hard to talk to her. And yet I can often say the same about her. She finally did make a couple friends of neighbors and they've done wonders for her, getting her out a bit. She fought it with me, but they have her laughing and chatting and the like, so maybe mom needs to get out a bit?
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this is so uncanny that every one of you sound and have the identical issues as myself The only difference is I live in Canada and our senior programs and benifits are a little different Is there anyone from Canada on here? I could use some input from you,
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My mom, 85 macular degeneration, arthritic. I found this https://archive.org/details/Great_Gildersleeve you'll see a list, double click the one you want. their funny, remembered and clean. and a million free ebooks https://openlibrary.org time flies when its fun. And this one, it opens to all sorts of old radio, you can look them over and hear what you want. you'll be surprised.
you have a computer, use it. you can download everything too. Free sounds good too.
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sorry I forgot the best https://archive.org/details/oldtimeradio
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