Twinkletoes5981 Asked January 16, 2024
Update. 2 months since I’ve talked to my mom!
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With my previous post, you can see my dilemma. I literally have not talked to my mother since the middle of November. 1st time in my life I haven’t spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with her. The last time I saw her she was so rude and condescending. She’s furious I am not at her beck and call anymore. Driving an hour every week to spend a few days with her has completely stopped. I feel such a sense of relief. No more guilt trips. This is so weird. I felt I was at a point that I could not live without her. I would cry myself to sleep thinking about her dying. I’m relieved she betrayed me because I believe it will make it easier for me when that day comes.
Will I ever want to see her again? Wth is going on with me?
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Seriously, you need a while to process what you are feeling. Congratulations on getting free of a bad situation.
Wait for her to reach out to you in a kind and human manner.
If not, continue to enjoy your freedom.
Quite frankly, I don't see the dilemma.
If there is healing later on, great. If not, I am sorry but it is better to be separated from your mom than to live in misery.
what will you do next?
One question - are you still POA, and doing that work? I'm curious myself - are you able to pay her bills etc, get that done but not talk to her? if so- great!
or did you resign as POA?
There may be a time that you may feel you need to reach out. But, Mom may see that as u crawling back. Better she reaches out. For now, enjoy your freedom. You are a stronger person. Let ur brother take on Moms care. I would wonder if she is getting the attn from brother that you gave her?
It was her or me, I chose me. I couldn't take the abuse one day longer.
You are going to be just fine. Nothing to feel guilty about!
Wishing you the very best!
If you want to see Mom at some point , keep boundaries . And remember , her problems are not your fault. You did not make her old and you can not fix old.
Yeah, it hurts at first. I can’t say that time heals all wounds. We are left with scars. I can say that as time goes by, the pain lessens and it doesn’t sting as much. We find out that we can flourish and live an independent life, in spite of being scared.
After a certain period of time, we hardly notice the scars anymore. Once in a while there are a few things that will remind us of things that should have never happened.
We can take time to reflect for a moment but it’s important not to become stuck in the past.
You’re going through these conflicting emotions right now because it is fresh in your mind. In time, you will see that you made the only choice you could have, in order to remove yourself from the line of fire.
My husband cut ties with his dad. He moved on. His dad called shortly before dying from his assisted living facility asking for my husband to go see him. I asked him if he wanted to go and told him that I would support whatever he wanted to do.
Covid hit and my husband wasn’t able to visit. I asked him if he was sorry that he didn’t get to see his father. He said that he wasn’t sorry. He didn’t want to rehash all of the pain from the past.
My husband no longer saw his father as a dad because he had been out of my husband’s life for so long. Sadly, they weren’t especially close when he was a child.
Wishing you peace and hope for better days ahead.
My mom texted me Friday afternoon after a few months of not speaking. Her text was, ‘so and so is back at happy hour.’ She sent a picture and a video. I haven’t responded yet. I actually have no desire to respond. There was no, I wish you were here, give me a call, hope all is well. Ugh .
I would ignore and go on with my life.
Be strong, you've got this.
You have no desire to respond, listen to yourself. You know what you're doing where she's concerned.
I would mark it as spam so I didn't have to receive future texts.
She knows what she did, she can apologize or live with no contact.
She is playing you.
I would speak with her only when you get "I miss you; can we talk".
And even then I would say "Sure, we can talk, but as soon as the talk turns to old habitual ways I will be gone another two months". And that's what I would then do.
Good luck.
Some people just need to be removed from one's life.
Playing the 2 month game IMO is a total waste of time and emotion, hoping for a change that will never happen sets one further back.
I blocked a long time friend because she left me a VM screaming at me for something I knew nothing about. Turns out she had the wrong info and had nothing to do with me. This I found out from a mutual friend. I never got an apology from this friend. She did contract cancer so I had caps sent to her. Did send her books. Thru a friend she asked me to call her, I did. She died never apologizing. I had gotten tired of being the one who apologized just to keep a friendship going. It seemed sometimes my feelings didn't matter and they do.
Thats where you need to get. You did not deserve to be treated the way u were after doing everything for Mom. You deserve to be apologized to and Mom means it.
Of course you will see her again....when you WANT to.
About 20 percent of me feels like I did the right thing, 80 percent feels like I should of ran when I had the chance.
There is no easy good answer for this. The guilt of not helping at all would of killed me. I will say 4 yrs ago I should of kept things alot more distance.
Looking back I think I started doing it because I wanted my mothers love and approval, now I realize that will never happen.
Just do it for the right reasons
Since I've cut off all contact with my mother, I've been waiting for that day. The day she needs me or my brothers see she's a lot of work. My son calls me and tells me my one brother came banging on his door. He tells my son he needs to watch my mom from 5 to 8. Her caregivers leave at 5. The other brother went to a concert. This brother had plans with his girlfriend and didn't want to be inconvenienced. My son said, no problem. I was livid that my brothers dared to use my son. I was also angry at my son for agreeing to do this. I told my son you took away my moment! My husband said look on the bright side. At least your son is a good person. Errrrr
I told my son to never let them use you again. This is their baby to rock.
I'm not sure if I should tell my son what to do. I feel bad now. Should I tell him he should do what he wants?
SPOT ON.
Their baby now.
like you…I feel as if something will happen at any moment and guilty for not wanting to, or not visiting her every day I just can’t do it anymore. I’m tired I’m exhausted I have no life except for work and I often wonder what’s going to happen to me after she’s gone I wish you all the best I wish I could think more like you as well, I think you’re doing well it’s so hard
Your mother is being cared for and there is no need to visit her on a daily basis.
I hate that you are fearful of what you will go through after she dies.
This woman is lucky that you visit her at all.
I cannot even imagine how it would feel if my mother told me as a child that I could never live without her and would cry tears of blood if I didn’t do things for her. My word, this abuse sounds like a horror movie!
Your marriage ended, you survived cancer, had a nervous breakdown, etc.
Lady, your threshold of pain is higher than most people have. Please, start to value yourself. You never deserved to be treated this way by your mom.
Sending you a million hugs.
Your son is an adult and hopefully he knows how to say "no" when he can't do something.
I know it’s not your profile. I was replying to her post.
For whatever reason, not necessarily good reasons, certain people aren’t emotionally capable or aren’t willing to apologize. It’s hurtful and disappointing when they want to pop back into our lives as if nothing happened.
It’s up to you if you want to forgive someone for their actions. Even if you choose to forgive in order to find inner peace, it doesn’t mean that you have to welcome them back into your life.
As far as other people’s feelings towards them, you don’t have any control over it. If your son wishes to help out occasionally, it is his choice.
I wouldn’t rub someone’s face in their mistakes. That will usually backfire on you.
Best wishes to you.
Also Melody Beaties, books on codependency are amazingly helpful.
Sence I have been regressing back to my old ways. I'm dusting of my old books. That helped many yrs ago.
But absolutely the serenity prayer!!!
I hope things get better for you, my thoughts are with you.
There isn't.
When my father died my feelings were more along the lines of what you'd have if your neighbor's parent died. My siblings had the same reaction. None of us were happy about it, but he lived his life for himself and paid very little attention to his children.
My mother has always been verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusive. The scapegoating, gaslighting, and guilt-tripping started when I was a little kid. She still treats me badly. I try to help her how I can and on my terms of course, but if she starts up I walk away and have zero communication with her. She'll try to get my attention and I ignore her.
I once didn't speak to her for six years and didn't even have her at my wedding when I married my second husband. She ruined the first one and was left out of it. I caught some slack from other guilt-trippers about it and I did not let it bother me.
We have a generation of seniors who expect their children to become slaves that cater to them and are at their beck and call 24/7. They also expect that we will keep smiling or bow our heads in silence while they berate, belittle, bully and verbally abuse us. Then we'll keep coming back for more.
You don't have one reason to feel guilty for not visiting or calling your mother. You really don't. Think of it like this. If you had a spouse or a partner or a friend who behaved towards you like your mother does and expects what she does, would you keep that person in your life? My guess is no you wouldn't I wouldn't either.
If you choose to have a relationship with her you can, but it has to be on your terms and not hers. Set some boundaries. If she refuses to live within them to have a relationship with you, then that's on her. You're not doing anything wrong.