So my mother in law did come to live with us briefly back in early July but it didn’t last and her son shipped her off to a specialty hospital after he saw how much work it was. Then we went on vacation and enjoyed the rest of the summer. Then my best friend was in a near fatal car accident in September in another state. She doesn’t have any family so I flew out to see her for a few days and my sister stayed at my home to help with the kids. When I was at the hospital, my husband called me to let me know he had to make a decision quickly about his mom’s placement and wanted to bring her home with us again but hire help this time instead of the nursing home. I told him absolutely not. We agreed she would be going into a nursing home after discharge. Now all of sudden, we are back to square one. I was so angry he would try this again when I was out of town. When I came back, we had a terrible argument and he told me I’m a horrible selfish wife and his mom is probably going to die in the nursing home because of me. Now my husband has stopped talking to me. Hasn’t spoken to me in weeks. Her siblings are mad at me. Nobody from his side of the family is speaking to me. I’m probably headed for a divorce soon just because I stood up for myself. I had a good cry about the other day. My life is a mess right now.
This update got buried:
"He has admitted to cheating and I really think this is why he really wants a divorce. There has to be another woman. So now the children and I have moved in with my sister ( her kids are off in college) and I have a job interview coming up. After the new revelation of him cheating, I’m making the right choice."
Oh my. Yes, that is the correct choice. I hope you've seen a lawyer.
Perhaps in your shoes I would consider telling MIL as bluntly as possible that you do NOT want her in the house, that DH is divorcing you over the issue, and that she will be very UNCOMFORTABLE if she is moved in. Think about how to do it. Of course you don’t do food or care. She stays unchanged in her depends until DH gets home to do it. You put an external cuphook bolt on her door (easy to fit), and make sure that she doesn’t take over the living room to watch TV. Her room is the only part of the house that she ‘has’, at least while DH is not there. This is not a 'failure to care' on your part, because you have no obligation to care and you have made it quite clear. If DH threatens you, call the police.
If you do this, and DH doesn’t provide the care she needs (and how can he?), you call APS. If DH provides no services, you don’t have to, and she is not being adequately cared for.
DH is almost certainly planning to make your own accommodation difficulties force you to stay, and he assumes that you will then care. Don’t let it work that way. His ‘divorce’ threat is very very nasty. You can stand your ground and let his nastiness backfire – both on him and on MIL, so long as she knows what is going on. Perhaps put it all in writing, and give it to her – and the other family members. Keep a copy for the police, for APS, and for the divorce court.
'Divorce' your husband in your head, now, and realise that this is now a war!
Was husband’s bid to care for MIL an excuse to get out of difficult parenting? I’m sorry I don’t have any words of wisdom for you, but please make sure that you and the children get your due, and that YOU get help as a newly single mother in a difficult situation.
Do NOT leave your home, make him leave. And whatever you do, don't leave your kids, he can claim you abandoned them and create hell for you to get your kids.
Time to take of the muzzle mama bear and protect your kids from the joke you bred with. He has proven how low he will go, stand up now and defend you and your children.
Prayers for you and your children. These situations are rotten to the core.
This deadbeat never planned on helping his mom, only strapping his family to her so he can look like the good guy.
What able-bodied, able-minded adult allows themselves to be completely dependent on another person so they risk becoming destitute if that relationship ends?
It's 2023 not 1953. Married women with kids also work at a paying job today.
The OP should get herself a good lawyer who will make sure she is treated fairly in the divorce. She should get a job though. Better sooner than later.
As others have stated: he is choosing this. You're not causing her unhappiness or death.
When I read that, "Her siblings are mad at me. Nobody from his side of the family is speaking to me" it made me think of one of my favorite adages:
"Wrong is still wrong even when everyone is doing it. Right is still right even when no one is doing it."
What you're doing is the right thing...don't waver!
I hate to break it to him but she is going to die sometime, somewhere anyway but it won't be "because" of you.
If his siblings are dead set against a Skilled Nursing facility maybe mom can move in with one of them and they can care for her.
I am wondering what happened that he "quickly" had to make a decision about mom's placement.
No facility would discharge her unless it was to a safe place that would be able to meet her needs.
If you are truly heading for a divorce make sure that you see a good lawyer and that you protect yourself and the kids. (just wondering where will your husband go with his mom?)
**Just saw the update that you are divorcing. PLEASE do not uproot the kids he should be the one to leave the house.
I said "You can certainly have mom llive here. But I won't be here, and guess what? I'm going to take you to the cleaners, financially."
That was the one and only threat. I had to stand up for me, b/c he wasn't thinking clearly. He never lifted a finger to help his own father, my father or mother. He hadn't even SEEN my mom in the 4 years prior to her passing, yet he saw nothing wrong with bringing his mother to our house for 'us' (read: ME) to care for.
Without question, I would have divorced him. I even saw a lawyer about it.
Some years later--she is in Home Hospice care and he has to do 3-5 shifts a week, caring for her. It has dropped him to his knees, mentally and spiritually.
I basically forced him to choose--and I was SO MAD at him, I don't think I did talk to him for a couple weeks.
IN the 'end' 6 years later and she's not great, but she's still alive and requiring massive amounts of attention and care. She won't allow outsiders to care for her.
Had she moved in with us--well, there would have been NO 'us'. That's just one boundary I would not move, not one iota.
I do hope you don't have to divorce over this, Your husband really needs help. His family is probably happy that he's thinking of doing this-don't count on them for any support. If THEY wanted mom with them, it would happen.
Hold fast. Be a little patient, but do not let her bring so much as a spare toothbrush to your house.
I love it when people who are completely invalid and basically have the independence level of a toddler refuse to "allow" anyone but family to do for them.
Do they really have a choice? I think not. If your husband like so many others "allows" the needy elder to still be in charge then that's a choice. People who do this choose to allow the needy elder to be in charge.
They don't have to.
Thank you for the update. I know you will have read her often and know that you are far from alone in this.
My mom thrived on the care at a NH (one that accepted Medicaid, although mom was private pay) for 4 1/2 years.
What does he know about the NH nearby ?
What in blazes is wrong with him?
Just so everyone is aware what OP has been going thru, here is OPs first post and an update from 2022 in that original post.
If so, and husband said she would not be coming back to your house, and then he wants to bring her back...I too would be mad and that is saying it nicely.
You mentioned in first post that husband is an only child and this is a cultural thing. Could the problem be that he is getting pressure from his relatives. And its thought that he, as the man of the house, should be telling u, this is how it is. So, he is taking his frustration out on you.
You also said in last post, that he travels. Reason why Mom can't come there. You have 4 children who need u 24/7. You cannot care for ur MIL too. If he wants her there, he needs to be doing the majority of care. The cost of having care even there 8 hrs a day is not cheap.
I am not going to jump on the divorce bandwagon, but I strongly suggest couples counseling, so that he can see how ridiculous he is being!
These elder siblings of your MIL may be using you as a message to their own children , putting them on notice , that they won’t go into a “home “ either and want their children to do for them , what they are trying to force you to do . You are the sacrificial lamb ( example ) for how caregiving is expected in this family .
You have kids at home , it would be disruptive to your entire family to have the MIL and hired help coming in .
Like the others said , get your Ducks in a row just in case it doesn’t work out . Would your husband be willing to talk to a marriage counselor who could maybe talk some sense into him ?
I am always so surprised at how many people have extended family involved in giving their opinion. I never saw my parents consulting nieces and nephews on how they should be caring for their siblings. It wasn’t any of their business.
1) Open a bank account in your name. Transfer half the contents of any joint account into your new sole bank account. I normally stipulate ‘half’ for fairness, but if DH is still working and you aren’t yet, perhaps you take the lot, especially if you will be taking the children with you. DH can build up his own account again, or you can choose to put some back into his account if you get a job.
2) See a divorce lawyer, get advice about how to split assets – and anything else you ought to know, like child support. Also how to protect your share, even if you don’t go ahead with the divorce immediately.
3) Once you have your ducks in a row, let DH know. If he is still pushing for MIL to move in (or still giving you the silent treatment), move out yourself at least temporarily. Let DH organise the carers (able to roll a 300lb woman), find out where the gaps are that he has to fill himself, add up the costs, and get fed up once again – probably even before he moves her in.
4) Regarding “his mom is probably going to die in the nursing home because of me”. She is not going to die ‘because of you’. But she IS going to die. At home, or more probably at the end in a NH or a Hospice shelter – what’s the difference? Jesus died on the cross. Would that be a better way to go – just because it was God-given?
Make divorce a real possibility! It may happen, or it may fizzle away like last time.
Best wishes, Margaret
Perhaps you should try counseling first to see if you can reach each other halfway. If counseling does not work to resolve this problem then you should head to divorce court.
This will be a tough one for you, but you need to do what’s right for your peace of mind.
Wishing you the best.
So they are all liars too. Great.
Is your MIL dying and in hospice? No? Yeah, steer clear of that mess. The woman could live to 100 easily. How many years is that from now?
If you really think divorce is on the table, you need to protect yourself, your children and your assets.
Since you were blindsided, do you wish to attempt to salvage this? I know that if this happened to me, I’d want to know what brought about this unilateral decision and why, after deciding WITHOUT YOUR INPUT, to make it, he then did the180.
My mother lived a comfortable and pleasant 5 1/2 years in a fine local highly rated SNF. Then she died there, of course. And if he brings her into HIS home, she will die THERE.
Is it possible that a press of guilt has been gifted to him from other families? Guilt is a horrible, insidious enemy of logic.
When did you become selfish. It was obviously not while you were vacationing together. You say he “saw how much work” it was to have her live with you previously, but did he actually DO any of that hard work, or did most of it fall to you?
Did he express as you argued whether he’d thought about his children, and their needs?
It would certainly seem as though you do need sound legal advice, and counseling
for yourself if you would feel it would be helpful, and also for your your children .
I rarely say or feel this way, as painful as many of the stories shared here are, but I’m terribly disturbed by your heartbreaking post.
May you find peace and a solution that can offer you the comfort and consolation you deserve. And you DO deserve it.
Whether his mom dies in a nursing home or yours is moot, because you won't be there. He has shown you who he is, and for me, the silent treatment would be the final straw.
His mom's death won't stop this behavior, and he'll use it on you for the rest of your years together. I suggest you leave NOW, right in the middle of all his dealings with his mom, and be sure to file for divorce immediately and demand the sale of the house where Mom is supposedly going to die.
Let him really see what stress looks like.
A first consultation with a lawyer is usually free. You get a half hour or an hour to discuss what options are available to you. You don't have to hire them at that point. This is the time to get that rolling.
Also, what is so bad about dying in a nursing home? Is it assumed that this is a horrible death? Who decided that? Husband and his shamily, none of whom want to provide hands-on care for her?
Obviously I haven't died yet, but I'm assuming that when I become room temperature, it won't matter whether I'm in a nursing home, on the floor of my house, or in a car that's been demolished by one of my senior citizen neighbors who decided to keep driving with low vision and "a little touch of dementia." If I were to choose, I'd pick the nursing home where I can lie quietly in my bed and embark upon my spirit's next adventure without pain and blood involved.
There's a whole lot of assumed nonsense at play here, such as you should be the one to take care of MIL. Brava to you for standing up to this slaughterhouse of a family. I really think that as a divorced woman, you'd be much better off. Create your own family from people who like you and move on with a real life that could eventually include another man who cherishes and loves you. This husband is not that.
Get on with it! There's a new chapter waiting to be written.
Your husband has shown you who he is. Believe him. Plus, he's given you the power of God to say when his mother will pass! Ridiculous.
Best of luck to you.
As to "you are a horrible wife and person". EMBRACE it. Own it. Tell him "I never claimed to be a good person or a good wife; I am what I am and what I am NOT is a wife who will have your mother in this house. The day she walks in I will walk OUT."
No one can stand up for you. You will have to stand up for yourself. I am sorry to be that blunt about it, but that's the truth. As my Mom always told me "I am raising you to be strong, capable and independent because THAT is what the WORLD will require of you". I will be grateful to that kind woman till the day I die.
And YES, your MIL will be dying in the nursing home. Just let him know that's a fact, and encourage him to visit her often and hold her hand while she goes.