I'm a 66-year-old male. While the caregiver was away I changed my bedridden mothers (87) poopy/runny diaper. It was all over including her front privates. I was wigged out and felt really uncomfortable. She was as well and almost crying telling me she was sorry I was having to change her. I'll just be short and to the point. I never want to change her diaper again. Am I wrong?
Hugs 🤗
But the other issue is that you are “a 66 year old male”. Unless you have had an unusual life, you know exactly what women look like ‘down there’, just the same as most women know about male bodies. There is no reason why gender makes it more difficult to do the job. It’s a cop-out.
I am female. This does not mean I can perform cleanup tasks better or easier than a male (as told by numerous males, oh don't get me started - are my hands shaped differently..?)
BUT, I 100% support it is OK for the OP to not want to do this.
I also 100% acknowledge if he (& Mom) feel uncomfortable, this is completely valid.
I have not felt comfortable cleaning up my relatives (done when no other options were available) but got the job done, no fuss. BUT, going forward, this is not what I will sign up for as a regular occurance.
For many, this is the big line in the sand. Between care at home *working* to *no longer working*.
Don't look for reasons to be The Bad Son, ok? Hire more in home caregivers or think about placement now for mother. That doesn't make you a Bad Son either. We all have our limitations and we SHOULD!
When my mom lived with me, this was a showstopper for me. I never, thankfully, had to do what you did. She had the flu one time and was so out of it from the fever that she had some accidents. I was so grossed out, I was trying not to cry or puke. I owe my husband BIG for helping me with this. Luckily it was that one time but it was on my agenda to push the button on finding her somewhere else to live. Dementia brought that about first, thankfully.
Best of luck.
I could be wrong, but I get a sense that at age 66 and living with your Mom, there might be a disability that requires you to have a case worker or an advocate. Maybe Mom was your POA, rep-payee, advocate or care-taker up until she herself needed a caregiver?
Maybe neither one of you can live independently at this time, and need more help. And not just help with diapers. You will need a plan going forward for when your Mom is not fully capable to contribute to your needs. Has that time arrived? Get help for you to be able to maintain a suitable lifestyle going forward. Call a special needs attorney? Talk to extended family, or a pastor?
Contact your caseworker; talk to Mom's aide or the agency that sent her; or call Adult Protective Services (APS).
Nice the aides wait until they're outside the room to discuss this.
Bidet or not, to put your mother more at ease, you might share your own pooping stories. I may be off base, but I'm pretty sure everyone has at least one of these, if from nothing else than from a food-poisoning incident.
I will sometimes remind my mother of my own poop woes in my 20s when I had a fissure that took months to heal. Which means I had to go to a proctologist and have a stranger's finger go up my butt. Anyway, I repeat this charming story to my mother just to lessen the "dirt shame" a bit.
As the popular book title has it, "everyone poops." It's a discomfiting part of the human condition (maybe because it forces us to confront our animal nature and mortality). From the perspective of a species that doesn't poop there would likely be little distinction between what the able-bodied do every day and what the ailing do into briefs. It's all a rather messy and comical business.
Good luck and take care.
Good for her her calls to DON get results. Now when she hits her call light, she gets practically instant assistance.
The fact that at the age of 66 you still use the term "poopy" is petty ridiculous.
No, you should not be changing your mother's diapers, but unless she has 24 hour caregivers or is in a nursing home you may have to. That's part of the price family has to pay when they keep an incontinent, diaper-dependent elder at home.
I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years. I have wiped more ancient can and could probably make a mountain to rival Everest with the countless adult diapers and pull-ups I've changed over the years.
It never gets less nasty no matter how many you've changed.
I find in my long experience as an in-home caregiver that incontinence was a top reason for why families placed a senior LO.
No one wants to put someone in a nursing home. Sometimes it's the only way.
Now that level of comfort does / can change.
I am sure that your mom's discomfort was increased by your level of discomfort.
As you become more comfortable with the task you will treat it just as any other task.
If you have to do this again try the following
Talk to mom and if you can look at HER, make eye contact.
Try not to make faces or sounds indicating your displeasure/dislike for what you are doing. (don't apologize, you have nothing to be sorry about)
Get everything you need before hand gloves, a brief, any cream or lotion you are using, warm moist cloths, wipes, absorbent pad.
If mom is sitting on the toilet, if you need to change bedding get that ready.
If mom is bedbound watch a few videos on changing someone in bed.
If you can keep her covered as long as you can, remove any fecal matter with the "brief" (aka "diaper") so you have less to remove with a wipe.
Use a warm wet, not soaking wet, cloth first. (have a couple handy) Then use a wipe.
Apply any cream that you use by patting it on not rubbing it in and use far less than you think. The more you put on the more difficult it is to remove later.
To prepare you for next time observe the regular caregiver and watch how she does it. Tell her that you would like to learn how she does the task so efficiently.
(make sure she knows how much you appreciate what she does for mom.)
It may be time for facility placement to be considered. Incontinence, diaper-dependency, and inability to handle going to the bathroom independently (needing to be wiped or washed) is a top reason why families place an elderly LO in care. Many, many families choose placement and they are not wrong.
I would NEVER want my son to have to change my diaper if and when the day comes, and I've made it perfectly clear to both my son and daughter that when that day comes I want to be placed in some type of facility where my care will be on the facility and not on my children.
I haven’t had to do it yet for my mother and hope never to have to.
It is not for anyone. No one enjoys wiping a$$ or changing diapers.
It's understandable when families place a LO over it though. Especially when the person is living in their house. Families should not be expected to have a home that smells like crap and pee all the time.
Can you get a caregiver to assist?