I am a Registered Nurse. I live in my parents home and take care of both of them. They pay me $1000.00 a month. My sisters are not interested in helping. My parents are very stingy with their money esp. my dad. I am verbally abused quite often. My dad requires the most care. He is diabetic with multiple heart problems and unable to walk. I live in my old bedroom but I can't work because 8 hours is too long for them to be left alone. They make too much money for any kind of help. They have their mind so I do not have POA or anything. My retirement is dwindling with not working and I am depressed and anxious. I do everything but cook. My mom can still do that. It is literally just me. I have no other outside help. I am tired.
What is the plan, if your parents survive you? My sister cared for mother and the stress led to her early death. But, she wouldn't listen. Now, mother is hunky dorie, in a NH and is 96 1/2.
Government aid is for people who are have-nots. It's not to avoid spending your own money. My very own mother was so angry she couldn't get any food support or anything because she had enough to live on, pay her bills, and put away. Really mom? Really? It's time they spend it on their old age care. That's what they earned it for.
This can happen several ways, one of which I call the "tv family" way. Everybody sees reason, agrees on the details, and are totally thrilled to make life changes. This never happens. Maybe it does, but those people never come to this site and I've not met any in person.
The other way most of us get through this is by exerting some authority and distancing ourselves to drive home the point, or some combination of both.
Mom & dad won't see what you bring until it's not there anymore. Sounds like they really need to be in a continuum care residence, where you can scale up care as necessary and they can stay together. It's fabulous. Or they need to hire in-home help, get on a public health nurse rotation, and hire transportation to doctor, grocery, etc.
We put my mom in a continuum care campus. She started in an apartment at one end. It was a normal apartment, but it had emergency cord in the bathroom, an I'm OK line to call every day, a small kitchen and 20 meals a month in the group dining room, activities, shuttle buses, and add-on services. She's now at the other end of the campus in secure memory care. The doctors go there. PT/OT is on site. So is beauty/barber, church, etc.
I know, mom & dad won't move. They're against it. Wild horses couldn't drag them, etc. Well... take mom on a tour of some places. They'll feed you lunch. They look like hotels. All the doors are really wide, there's no stairs. You can bring your own furniture. Mom will be able to see it's not an institution with iron bars, chains, and scary looking people confined to beds, moaning & howling.
Rent at these places varies wildly. It depends on how much luxury you need or not and where you are. My mom's apartment was $1350/month rent, here in MN, but it was "basic". That's all she needed. But it was the nicest place she's ever lived.
The other way is to move out, stop sacrificing yourself, and let them deal with it. "Tough Love"
At some point the perception of independence in-home is not worth it anymore, and they can flourish in a senior community or with more in-home & transportation services.
Why don't you have POA, or do you mean it just hasn't been invoked yet? Do you have a caregiver contract? There are many on this site that have given up their health and wealth for their parents only to see their non involved sibs share equally in the estate. If you moved home after your divorce they may think they are doing you a favour letting you "mooch" off you parents. Realistically, what would happen to your parents if you weren't there???
As an RN I think you could expect a high salary out in the world. If you truly feel you WANT (not need) to live with and care for you parents I would suggest you find outside employment and use your money to supplement their care for the hours you are away. You might say it makes no sense to pay someone else, but you would have time away and outside social interaction and you would be contributing to you own social security fund for the future. You would still personally need to cover the other 2 shifts daily, which in my opinion $1000 a month would barely compensate.
You write that you can't work because they can't be alone for 8 hours. Use their money to find someone or someones to care for them during that period.
Given the family dynamics you describe, this would be the obvious solution rather than compromising your own security.
I'm not being critical, just pointing out what I see as an obvious solution. I'm sure your parents would prefer you, but it would be better in the long run for them to get independent help without anticipating that you're going to compromise your own security and health, and it's obvious that you're not enthusiastic about the solutions you discussed.
If you continue accommodating parents you describe as not being particularly kind to you, you're only going to eventually hate being trapped and resent them.
Step back, get a clear head and make decisions that are healthy for you.
Some home truths need to be told to your parents about the reality of what your time - not to mention your qualifications - is worth and what care costs, and what they've cost you. But I'm not pretending it's an easy conversation to have. Any possibility of somebody else, like a social worker or an OT or somebody, having it with them?
If it's not a silly question, what do your sisters have to contribute to the discussion? Not interested in helping one thing, and fair enough if that's how they feel about it, at least in my view; but that doesn't actually mean that it's totally not their problem. They must have an *opinion*. They could conceivably stir themselves to add their weight to influencing your parents, which shouldn't be too much to ask. And you're right: unless and until one or both of your parents loses capacity, they are masters of their destiny and you cannot be held accountable for the consequences of their decisions.
Sadly, that won't stop you from feeling terrible about it if something happens to them, whether or not you could have prevented it in terms of practical reality. I'm sorry, I don't feel I'm helping much - but I am sending you vibes of fellow-feeling across the ether.
What you do have is years & years of programming that you are going to stay put and take it.
If you don't fight for yourself, nobody else will. Your mom has to get fed up enough to want help. Your dad has to decline some more, most likely.
YOU are not some magic person who can solve all their problems and be the hero.
Sounds like your other two sisters figured it out a long time ago, and you just need to catch up. Sometimes you have to let Humpty Dumpty fall off the wall to get him the help he needed in the first place.
If it had been up to me, my mom would have lived in a senior apartment 15 years ago, but she was so defiant, stubborn, loud, hostile, and ugly to anybody who suggested she not stay in a 4 bedroom house she could not manage. I had to let her get to such a bad state before she would be helped. Nobody else in the family was stepping in. They figured her out ages ago and walked away.
You have to decide what you really want in this life and get moving on it. Time's a wasting. Be aware that the price is going to be that your parent will probably do every stunt possible to make you stay there and keep their cushy situation going for them. Without you there, they have to face reality.
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