My mother lives around 350 miles from me. My sister lives next door. They have a joint checking account and my sister pays her bills out of her Social Security check. My sister and I do not speak. She totally neglects my mother. She is a hoarder and I believe bipolar. A three year old nephew lives with my mother as well and has now started hoarding in my mother's house. I have to get her out of this situation. I have paperwork to get power of attorney, both medical and financial. I work full-time. My concern is for someone to watch after her while I'm at work. My father was a veteran. Any type of benefits I can get for her? I was going to try to get her to be able to go to the senior citizen center a few days a week. She's a really awesome person fun-loving never complains. It makes me so angry that my sister does not help that's the reason we aren't speaking. Thank you
1. Your mom
2. Your own observation
3. From third party?
We need to know that first and foremost.
Let me see if I can sort this out. Your mom is 350 miles away but you want to take care of her? Did you mean to move her to your home? Does your sister currently have her POA or did they simply set up a joint bank account for your moms SSI check to be deposited into?
You said a 3 year old nephew. Did you mean a toddler or perhaps a 30 year old nephew?
Is your mother mentally capable of signing a DPOA for you to handle her finances and medical? If not, you will need to petition for guardianship.
Does your mom own her home? Is she on Medicaid? Does she have funds to pay for assisted living or memory care? How would you take care of her while you work? Is it possible that as you believe your mom needs more care that she would be better cared for in a memory care facility than in your home or in her home? If you could give us more information we might be able to help you devise an action list to help your mom.
If mother gets upset if sister says something about this, how is she going to feel about moving away with you? Is that what she wants to do? Will she willingly sign the POA papers you have, in front of a notary?
Why is the nephew living there? Is this the son of the sister next door?
Okay I just re-read everything. You said your mother has dementia but did a doctor diagnose her with this? If there's health records stating this, then you're only option may be to petition the courts for guardianship because an official diagnosis of dementia will rule her not of sound mind.
Also, with you working full-time you'll have to hire in-home caregivers. With a legal guardianship you can sell her home and this will help with the costs of caregiving but there may be a time when the dementia progresses and you just can't deal with it anymore so the next step is a nursing home which is very, very expensive. If you can swing it financially, maybe one option can be that your mother lives with you until her disease gets very, very bad then you tell your nephew it's time to move-out so you can sell the home. Adding a few more years will increase the real estate value, thus giving you a little bit more money for your mother's medical bills.
I think you should first consult with an elder attorney now to see what your options are and be upfront with him/her about the complicated family dynamics.
Why do mom and SIS have joint account? Or do you mean that sister's name is on the account so that she can pay mom's bills?
Comingling funds is a bad idea.
Cross, was there a time in earlier, happier days when you did have a normal conversational relationship with your sister?
The reason I ask is that your situation is hugely complicated by the idea of trying to pull this off behind your sister's back. Therefore, if there is any possibility at all of establishing a dialogue with your sister and planning mother's care with her and your brother's input, that's the way to go.
She's both defensive and aggressive, she's belligerent with you and unpleasant to your mother, she flies off the handle and doesn't listen, her son's moved out..!
I could completely understand why the prospect of trying to start a conversation with her doesn't appeal, hugs.
But then I make allowances, and think what caregiving for a "sweet appreciative lovely lady" did to my own temper and blood pressure, and I wonder if there is actually a reasonable, fair minded and practical woman still just about surviving under all that inside your sister somewhere.
Mother needs a care plan. Your sister's been handling it, in her own way, and it's done a power of no good to her personality. If you possibly can, get everyone to go back to the drawing board and start again. And please, please, before you start picturing roses round the door and your apple-cheeked smiling mother in your home, do a LOT of further reading. You think your sister's become sour and bitter? Well. There but for the grace of God, eh.