A family member has been with the same man for at least 15 years. He is 80 she is 62. They have always loved and cared for each other. He takes care of all finances and she has taken care of him and the home. Spoke with her today and she is distraught as he is slipping mentally and physically. He is in bed a great deal, currently has shingles and is incontenent. He saw a doctor not long ago, but I don't think his mental condition was the subject. Mobility is a big issue as he is probably about 300 lbs. She has made certain he is not driving as he was driving up on curbs, etc. Bills are overdue, including propety taxes. She has no money of her own and no access to his checking or any other accounts. Recently he went to pay a repair person and counted the money incorrectly and did not understand what tax is. The car is in the shop, but she has no way to pay for the completed work. The only thing she has been told of his will is she is a beneficiary. She knows he also has a living will, but I don't think she knows where it is. I asked if he has any family and she said there is a brother they last saw 2 years ago. I have suggested she contact him, as the next of kin. I have also suggested she get a lawyer to help guide her through everything. She is reluctant - as she is concerned about not sharing that with him. She knows him best, but I don't believe she can make any health decisions on his behalf and she has no leg to stand on when it comes to accessing funds to pay for even the most basic things. He owned the home before they met. I hope the brother will be of sound mind (I don't know his age) and kind heart. She is overwhelmed to say the least. In what order and who do you believe she should contact people - social worker, doctor, brother (next of kin), creditors, lawyer (for her), other..... Suggestions with contact information also welcome. Thank you.
But it sound like he may need to go to the ER if he's that confused because it is possible he has a physical health issue going on that is showing up as a cognitive symptom (like dehydration, stroke, diabetes, etc).
Does he have diabetes? If so, is it in control? If not, he needs to take him to the ER.
If possible:
She should first attempt to have him assign her as his DPoA (for financial and medical). She can take him to an elder law attorney to do this, or she can download the documents online and then make sure she finishes the assignment per the state's rules (usually signing in front of a notary with 2 witnesses).
If he has enough capacity, he should be putting her jointly on his banking and making her his beneficiary for his assets and investments. This can be done over the phone and he will need to be on speaker phone with them so he can prove he is who he says he is.
Lastly, he should create a Last Will (either through an attorney or by downloading the document and then finalizing it legally per his state).
Creating these documents through an attorney will be more "bulletproof" than a downloaded version, but a downloaded version is better than no document at all. See Legalzoom.com or Rocketlawyer.com. They have online attorneys to consult with who are much cheaper. If this man has adult children with another woman, this may make things sticky.
In the end she may or may not be able to get this all done due to his health. In this case if her name isn't on the title to the house she may need to look for another place to live and figure out how to support herself. She should contact APS to report him as a vulnerable adult. Tell them she has no legal authority to arrange the help he needs or move him, since he is 300 lbs.
I'm very sorry for this situation but this is a cautionary tale for any woman who is giving her all to a partner outside of a legal, state-licensed marriage (my own son's girlfriend falls into this category).
No brother out of contact this long is going to step into this mess unless he isn't of sound mind.
So now it is time to call APS. To tell them she has been pretty much a terrorized woman all these years with no access to anything, with no money, with no shared accounts and with only her Social Security (I assume) and that she has been caregiving this man she cannot care for any more who is likely/may be incompetent in his own care and that she is leaving for a shelter. And that he needs APS to make him a ward of the state.
This woman, who let all this water flow under the bridge for all this time is likely on no will. Nothing was ever shared with her. She cannot even speak to this man. She has no power in this relationship and never did. Time to go. He reaps what he has sown and she starts over.
You say she is your family member. Your family needs to pool together some funds for her to get a room somewhere or to take her in. She starts over at 62, either with Social Security if she qualifies or working at Walmart, K-Mart, or anywhere else hiring seniors in these days. Even working in caregiving because if she can handle THIS 300 pound guy she qualifies.
Sorry, but this is a total mess that is ongoing for 15 years. Nothing like that is easily fixed. Many caregivers who get nothing, ask for nothing, expect nothing end up with nothing, no job, no home, no income, no job history. NOTHING. And that is where she has ended up. That she serves as a lesson to others isn't going to help her in the least, and I am dreadfully sorry for that. I am glad she has your support and I hope you can lend her a good deal more support as she's going to need it.
The day she walks out the door is the day she calls APS to report this guy as a senior at risk.
Washington State does have domestic partnership.
She needs to find out her options as her first step by seeing an attorney. If she won't see an attorney, she is severely limiting her options to helping herself. She is not required to share with him that she has seen an attorney and can look for an attorney that does pro bono work for people with her need.
Or, maybe YOU find and take her to an attorney so she has plausible deniability?
There seems to be a thing called a Committed Intimate Relationship, which may qualify her as having a legal couple status but requires proofs.
Source: https://www.petrellilaw.com/seattle-family-law/is-there-common-law-marriage-in-washington-state/#:~:text=Washington%20does%20not%20recognize%20common,for%20a%20common%2Dlaw%20marriage.
Have her read this article.. has lots of relevant info in it.
No Community Property because they are not married. By living together, she has no rights. His brother may have more than she does. When she goes for her Social Security, they only go back 35 yrs. So at 62 thats age 27. If she has not worked the last 15 yrs, that means she only has 20 yrs of earnings. If she only worked minimum wage, she will not have much in Social Security. She is not entitled to his. If she was married at anytime for at least 10 years she may be able to get more from her exs (or a widow) earnings but I think he needs to be collecting. Someone needs to get at least temporary guardianship to protect what this man has. I would think the brother would be the likely one. The woman can try and it should be soon. Unpaid taxes means a lien and eventually a Sheriffs sale. You lose ur house faster to taxes than not paying the mortgage.
I feel for this woman, but no one should depend on another person for their support. A woman, especially in this position, should have a job and be saving her money.
Community Property in WA (at least the decades we lived there) is mainly (with a lot of nuance) a financial definition. Two people can have a "community property" without a marriage.
An example: Our foster daughter and her boyfriend bought a condo together. It became community property as soon as they commingled their money for payments (never combined bank accounts, -- just the payment) of the mortgage. Moving forward a few years, the entire community property issue became a huge mess when the condo was foreclosed on after they were married. It took two attorneys specializing in different law with huge legal fees to get them untangled from -- allowed to short sell -- that condo.
Since WA State's laws are so complicated, she might have might be entitled to something that she is not aware of. Did the OP's family member put any money into the home or contents...she really needs an attorney to parse out the last 15 years to know the steps she needs to take to help him while still protecting herself too.
Hoping for the best for your LO.
—Retired family law Paralegal