Why am I always the one stuck spending my weekend at my mom’s while the POA and her family keep going out of town?

You don't have to say yes. They are clearly using you. Tell mom and sis that is it the POA's responsibility, not yours. And leave it at that. You just refused to be used. Sis wanted the POA so bad, now she gets the responsibility, too. You have other plans.

Pam just say no and stick to your plans she has POA let her stay home -my son traveled a lot when he was young in sports and I had to work so only saw him get one gold medal let her take turns with one of them staying home why should give up more of yourself-good guys finish last.

Yeah see Austin why can't my sister stay home and let her husband go in her absense. That's what I don't understand. But I know the real reason behind going is to GET AWAY!! Should have thought about that before they wanted POA so badly.

Pamela, I can tell you're really struggling with this. How can we help? Sounds like your mom and sister need to work things out without you, since you clearly already had plans, and shouldn't have to forsake yours for theirs. You don't think so too, do you?

SS my conscience bothers me that if I say no my sister will convince my mom that I don't care about her,again. Last time she had my mom convinced about me, I stayed away for a while (remember that time) and when I returned I was treated a lot better by my mom. Of course she told me not to touch anything because she didn't want dear old sis to say I stole anything..........but then she started accusing the "help" of stealing too. Now everybody is stealing from her and that's the disease.

I flat out DON'T WANT TO GO, but that crowemagnum FOG's theory is weighing heavy on my mind.

It's the case again of do I or don't I. Mom has called this morning twice asking if I am coming over today. I say no each time and before I hang up she says she's looking forward to seeing me TODAY! I'm not going TODAY! and I don't want to go over there this weekend and have to stay the whole weekend.

Again it was not my sister who called, it is my mom. She's doing that on purpose using my mom as a bargening tool and when she does that it bothers me.

As long as I stay away, and go by as a visitor, I'm OK. Last week I was over there 5 days in a row, gardening. The "help" can water the veggies, and the geraniums, and the impatients, and greens, tomatoes, squash....(enough already). But I just don't want to go over there today and I certainly don't want to get stuck over there the entire weekend. If I don't go this time it will be the first time I will have flat out REFUSED to go due to prior plans. I do worry what alternative they will take and I worry about what my mom will be convinced of and how long it will take me to make her realize I had plans.

But more so I know her mind is not in the place it should be in. She is still worrying about things not being in place. I can see it on her face as she sits there and looks out the window. It's not an empty look, it's a look of "Lord what am I going to do". I'm sure we have all seen this same look in our parents eyes, it's desperation, fear, challenge, confusion....it's a mirror of our very thoughts.

Can ya dig it?

Pam,

You've been played by your mother and your sister like one of the scenes in the TV show 24 that I saw last night. You did real well getting out with your son a while back which was a victory and I hope you still feel good about that.

If you get a chance to visit a site about dealing with a family member who has borderline personality disorder, you will most likely find the anacronym F.O.G. or in the book, Stop Walking on Eggshells.

Thanks for alerting me to your post here and I look forward to choping it up with you. However, I'm not a therapist and what I do share really can't replace face to face therapy. You really need someone who can help you get more and more victories over the F.O.G.

Crowe the reason I alerted you was because of the conversations we've had about the control mothers have over their children, or the control we LET THEM HAVE over us.

When I was typing something on another thread, I thought about my mom knowing that I have the garage sale coming up and in her own way is still trrying to control me by NOT allowing the sale to proceed.

It was just a thought.

Hi, Pam, I'm not sure I understand your whole situation, but from what I can gather, it looks like this was "sprung" on you at the last minute--- the request for you to spend the weekend at your sister's (and Mom's) house. You had already made plans to have a yard sale. This is too late for you to change your plans. So in fairness to you, you could ask that, in the future, they would give you at least two weeks' notice ( or three or four---whatever works for you) if they will be needing you to stay the weekend over there when your sister and brother-in-law are traveling. Another thing you might consider, and this is just a suggestion, is splitting the cost with your sister of overnight care for your Mom when she has to leave town. (However I don't know what financial arrangements you and your sister have set up, and this may not work for you.)

As for what to do THIS coming weekend, I don't have a ready answer....I guess I would be honest with your sister and Mom and tell them the bind you are in now because of your yard sale. Perhaps they and you could brainstorm and come up with another solution which would allow you to stay at your home for your sale. If you decide to find a way to stay there AND run your yard sale, I would still be sure to ask them to, in the future, give you at least two weeks' ( or more) notice. If you ask for this in a respectful way, they will be more apt to see your point of view and cooperate. Good luck.

I remember how much we have talked about the control issue between parent and child. My does 'confused' have a story about her boyfriend being so control by his mom. Talk about the perfect "mommy's boy" who'se been sposified. Poor thing unless he gets serious help, he's stuck to live in the basement of his 'mommy dearest's' house now that her husband is almost dead of cancer. How tragic!

Your mom knew you had this sale planned, worked against it, and then sprung this on you at the last moment which caught you off guard as well as led you to agree without remembering the yard sale.

Let's keep chopping up this control thing we've been discussing. I guess you can tell that my recent posts related to this topic have gotten bolder and extremely concrete. People in crisis don't deal with hints very well in general.

I've got an extreme amount of stuff on my plate from today's therapy session and I'm probably going to need to cool it for that energy might be fueling me being so blunt lately.

Ann,

I think I've read what Pam has written in many places but our writing on each other's walls, that I have a good handle on what's going on here and she's seeing if for what it is and is trying to set up boundaries which will help set her free from her mother's intention controlling personality through F.O.G. Fear Obligation and Guilt.

Pam, I assume the yard sale has already been advertized in the paper and you have already got all of your ducks in a row for it. Since you did tell your mother about this weekend, I don't think this could really be called a bind that you found yourself in. It's a totaly disrespect for plans you had and had shared earlier. So, if anyone should be in a bind it really needs to be resolved by you mother and sister who have imposed this knowingly upon you with the feeling that you are such a good person that you want mind them being so intrusive.

It's only Tuesday night! Dang it my emotions are so on edge that I feel a bit like Admireal Perry who once said "D___ the topedoes" and he sailed forward in his attack, but my gut is telling me to be honest about your feelings saying I feel this instead of the defensive attack mode of you made me feel this. Somehow, my friend, you must close off this triangle they have put you in by taking responsibility for your plans and put their responsibility back in their lap! This is not the time for polite walking on eggshells hoping they will see the light@! Naw, they have their own light and they want to put you in the dark.

All these cotrol stories that I read here just add fuel to the fire within my soul that burns over my own control freedom issues along with the stories of others.

The real question is, how does your sister manage to NOT feel guilty, and still get to ESCAPE on a regular basis? Maybe she should be showing you the ropes. I'm just wondering if that's really the reason why you're mad, is that she does, and you didn't? It would be something that might stick in someone's craw I think.

That's not tough if her mother sees her sister currently as wearing the white hat and Pam as wearing the black hat. When dealing with sick personalities the person they split off from the other as good wears such a big white hat that they can do no wrong. The sister realizes this and plays it for all it's worth IMHO, but I might be wrong.

Crowe you've hit it on the nail. In my moms eyesight sis can do no wrong. She's walked on eggshells around her for about the last 8 years, wait that's about the time I moved back to Cali from D.C. Mainly she says it's because sis & family has lived there with her for so long. She's never looked at it the way myself and every other person does knowing a family of 4 pays only $175.00 every other week rent. Why else shouldn't they live there, where else can they live as cheap as that, and pay a couple household bills, you still come out a lot cheaper. They have lived there out of convenience, not out of necessity but mom will never see it that way. I've adjusted to their relationship, however and whatever it is.

The reality is that SHE IS IN CHARGE, not me, and I won't let her manipulate me the way she manipulates mom. I'm not playing that game! well I'm not playing it anymore.

Naheaton you may have hit on a valid point as well but I am paying on a cruise for the latter part of July.

If this is indeed a Tournament, I'm sure there is a set schedule and I'm sure they know ahead of time when they will need to go. I'm sure those short trips are therapudic (sp) for sis and family, all I'm saying is MAKE YOUR OWN DAMN ARRANGEMENTS.

Pam, you and your sister are lucky to be able to spell each other during this difficult time of your lives. I am trying to see your problem from both sides. As I know all too well, (my totally disabled father lives our house) the sister living in your mom's house knows the stress of constantly being "on call" all week and every night all night long. It's crushing to have that huge burden that never lifts unless you can physically get out of the house. My husband and I cannot, as we have no one in a situation to help us like that except what we pay for. We've missed the past three Christmases with our daughter and her family (two precious grandkids, 5 yrs and 7 months) and we'll never have that time back again. But Dad is too infirm to take even 100 miles there and back for the day. I empathize with your sister's desire to not miss these times of attending her daughter's volleyball games. If she and her husband were taking off for Vegas or the Bahamas every weekend and leaving you to care for your mom, I could see this quite differently. The entire experience of caring for an aging parent is frustrating, anger -inducing, emotionally draining - you add your own adjectives! Hang in there, Pam. Brenda

Thank you Brenda. Shedding a little light:

Two weeks after my mom had her stroke they went to Morongo Casino for the weekend (sis;s Birthday), Valentines weekend they went to Las Vegas, and 2 weeks after that they went to San Diego. The ladder were for convenient Tournaments.

Yeah. I say, if sis wants to get away, since your mom has the money, sis should pay for her care. That's what the money is there for, not to save it for herself! Stick to your guns, Pamela!

Then, as I said, I DO see that as an entirely different issue. I agree with you. They should pay for professional help to stay with your mom unless you are asked well in advance - and willing! - to cover for them.

Just came from taking mom a wonderful St. Patrick's Day Corned Beef and Cabbage dinner. Five years in a row that we have this meal together. Mom inhailed hers.

I compromised......I will be there on Sunday....I'm not heartless. Mom said she only wanted me there and didn't want the "help" there for 2 days. Manipulative, yep but it sounded so good I ate it up. What can I say.

Why do they do all this running around at your expense...geeez! Ask her Pammies

Pamela6148 remember what this website also taught us -- to remove the guilt. OK? that is what I practice. Not that I'm a bad irresponsible daughter, but this is for my own sanity and my own development and improvement as a human being entitledd to the same rights as my mom. Do what you have to do. This will keep you in balance. Never mind if your mom is alone for a few hours, remember too that surprisingly elderly can actually manage on their own for a few hours each day. They actually maybe relish that they are on their own as this sort of gives them the feeling that they are "independent and able-bodied" Get away from her from time to time for your own sanity and well-being! Enjoy and have a blast.

Hello care family just a quick update on this weekend.

Sis & family will NOT be leaving on Friday to go (out of town) to the tournament, instead they will be going on Sunday which is the actual date of the tournament, and the day I stood ground on availability.

Enjoy your weekend everyone.

Geez that was nice of them, to just boil it down to the actual date that they needed. Your poor mom must feel like a ping pong ball.

Hmmmm she inhaled her St Paddy's din din...well that is always a good sign!

Pamela, best wishes for a good yard sale tomorrow!

hugs & kisses to you pam! just think you got your online caregiver clan here for you. when they don't understand you, we do! happy weekend everyone ^_^

pamela . how was the yard sales . hope u gotrid of bunch stuff you were hopin to do .
let us know . is your mom still askin to move in with ya ??

Well well well hello to all!!

The yard sale was a success and I made $148.00 which was all good considering what I hauled out there. Yes I had to bring a few things back but instead of that I took them to a women's shelter that a friend told me about and gave the rest to them, (clothing that was just too big). There were actually 4 of us and we had a ball. We Bar-B-Que'd some Tri-Tips, on skewers with onions, bell peppers, and squash and corn on the cob...and made mojitos, heck after a while we didn't even care if we sold anything we were having such a ball. We played old skool Jazz & Blues I'm talking Ahmad Jamal, Count Basie, Cab Calloway, Billie Holliday.....the good stuff. Everyone made money, some more than others, but for all of us to get together and talk, and laugh was so much fun. The funny thing about it, we all had business cards out on the table (mine for seamstress), and we even picked up some business. Just seems like people wanted to stay chat and laugh because it turned into more of a social event then a yard sale.....talk about Networking now this was a grand idea.

Then came Sunday and I was still beat, not to mention a little hung over but I went to moms house at 7:30 a.m. as instructed. My mom wanted to know all about the yard sale and when I told her about it, she got annoyed. You see this is the type of event that mom would have loved to be involved in, better yet in charge of so as I told her I could see she was a little envious so I just stopped talking about it even though she kept asking. Always and I mean always her answers are always "YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE THIS, or YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE THAT". I wanted to say so bad "WHAT WE DID WAS FINE, AND IT WORKED FOR US AND I DON'T CARE TO HEAR WHAT WE SHOULD HAVE DONE" but instead I just said "yeah that would have been great" every time, she got the message.

Sis and family did not leave until I came over, no one saying anything to me, sis screamed from the living room "Bye granny, we'll see u a little later on", mom saying OK.

I was sleepy so mom let me sleep until 10:00 am. Then she woke me up and asked for oatmeal, boiled eggs, and toast. Cool, done. Then she looked at me and said "Whew your hair is nappy"! I said "yeah I'm happy to be nappy" not even looking for an argument here.

I asked her about the garage roof, and she acted like she didn't want to talk about it so I didn't. Matter of fact she acted like she had been forbidden to talk about anything regarding the house cause when I asked her she seemed to clam up so I stopped. She said nothing about coming to live with me, probably even forgot she'd said that in the first place (I'm glad of that).

The day went on, and I told her about the Senior Day Care's in the area and she said she feel comfortable there in her room. Immediately I got her up and ready and we went in the yard to water. We ate lunch out there and again I tried to ask her about the roof and nothing. She told me not to worry about it. ALRIGHTY-THEN!

I'm not gonna make this any longer. Bottom line here is that I had such a great time on Saturday that I didn't let anything that mom did or said put a damper on it. My girlfriends know of my situation and they all came to my rescue and made Saturday a heck of a day for me. We partied and because of that, being with my mom wasn't that bad because I was in such a positive state of mind.

It's just amazing how nice it is to do positive things, with positive people. That house is just dreary, and full of negative energy however I was so jazzed that I never slipped into that dark place. I wish that for all of my care-giving family here that you find something that can uplift your spirits atleast some of the time. This is the key.

Today is Monday and I still feel good. Usually after leaving moms house I don't feel good at all, but I spect I'm still on cloud 9. Oh by the way mom called about an hour ago to tell me what the estimate on replacing the garage roof is. Go figure that one!

How's that for a special weekend

Wonderful news!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good for you, Pamela! So glad you had a great time with friends on Saturday! Now, keep that up! You're good to your mom.

Alright it's Monday evening about 9:15 pm. My mom just called and ask me to come and take care of her for 2 or 3 days because my she says sis says the money is running low. I tell her that she has got plenty of money in her savings and that she is to use that on HERSELF no matter what anyone says. Mom says "WHAT SAVINGS"? Are you kidding me................

What in the world is going on, when I was there and paying the bills, and not having the "help" there 5 times a week, overtime, and staying for "tournament games" and such I was managing, however I was there the other 4 days, and the "help" was limited to 3. Now that sis has taken over she has mom convinced that there's not enough money for the hired help. It's time to bring in the Law now.

I'm too happy, and content to go over as a visitor and I know this sounds serfish but I just don't want anyone to stomp out the joy I've worked hard to grasp at again.

Funny how right after having such a wonderful weekend, I get called into the dungen again. Hmmmmm I don't know if it's sis or mom this time but I do know that mom has the money to pay for the help and if sis wasn't trying to save it for her inheritance I wouldn't be so adament about not going but I know that money is there and should be used on mom. I told my mom a long time ago, and just this weekend not to worry about leaving me a thing, to spend what she needs to spend on herself.

Do you think sis is trying to put mom in a NH on the slide because that seems like that is what it will come too.

What do you think family?

ps I'm not proof reading this. Guess it's time to stop answering the phone for a while again.

I think your sister is spending your mother's money, and it may be running out. Do you ever get to check her finances? If she forbids you, then that's a red flag to me. Your mother had better get her head out of the ether bag and get involved in her money situation, or at least get a second opinion.