My sister has POA, and lives in my moms house. This will be their fourth trip out of town. Niece plays volleyball and is constantly in tournaments (out of town). Sister, brother n law, and the niece go on these trips, nephew (20) stays behind.
First time the care giver stayed, (I'm sure that cost a fortune). Since then they've narrowed it down to me coming during the day, and the "help" staying the night.
This weekend they are leaving again, and mom called and asked me to stay with her. Said the "help" can't work. Yeah right cost too much money at $20.95 per hour, I know the real deal.
Problem is I already told my mom that I am having a yard sale this weekend. I've been preparing for it 1 1/2 weeks, organizing, making signs and pulling out old stuff. On top of that I have to pick up my youngest son from his restaurant in the wee hours of the morning.
Now I'm in a bind. Talk about manipulation.
Two weeks after my mom had her stroke they went to Morongo Casino for the weekend (sis;s Birthday), Valentines weekend they went to Las Vegas, and 2 weeks after that they went to San Diego. The ladder were for convenient Tournaments.
The reality is that SHE IS IN CHARGE, not me, and I won't let her manipulate me the way she manipulates mom. I'm not playing that game! well I'm not playing it anymore.
Naheaton you may have hit on a valid point as well but I am paying on a cruise for the latter part of July.
If this is indeed a Tournament, I'm sure there is a set schedule and I'm sure they know ahead of time when they will need to go. I'm sure those short trips are therapudic (sp) for sis and family, all I'm saying is MAKE YOUR OWN DAMN ARRANGEMENTS.
I think I've read what Pam has written in many places but our writing on each other's walls, that I have a good handle on what's going on here and she's seeing if for what it is and is trying to set up boundaries which will help set her free from her mother's intention controlling personality through F.O.G. Fear Obligation and Guilt.
Pam, I assume the yard sale has already been advertized in the paper and you have already got all of your ducks in a row for it. Since you did tell your mother about this weekend, I don't think this could really be called a bind that you found yourself in. It's a totaly disrespect for plans you had and had shared earlier. So, if anyone should be in a bind it really needs to be resolved by you mother and sister who have imposed this knowingly upon you with the feeling that you are such a good person that you want mind them being so intrusive.
It's only Tuesday night! Dang it my emotions are so on edge that I feel a bit like Admireal Perry who once said "D___ the topedoes" and he sailed forward in his attack, but my gut is telling me to be honest about your feelings saying I feel this instead of the defensive attack mode of you made me feel this. Somehow, my friend, you must close off this triangle they have put you in by taking responsibility for your plans and put their responsibility back in their lap! This is not the time for polite walking on eggshells hoping they will see the light@! Naw, they have their own light and they want to put you in the dark.
All these cotrol stories that I read here just add fuel to the fire within my soul that burns over my own control freedom issues along with the stories of others.
Your mom knew you had this sale planned, worked against it, and then sprung this on you at the last moment which caught you off guard as well as led you to agree without remembering the yard sale.
Let's keep chopping up this control thing we've been discussing. I guess you can tell that my recent posts related to this topic have gotten bolder and extremely concrete. People in crisis don't deal with hints very well in general.
I've got an extreme amount of stuff on my plate from today's therapy session and I'm probably going to need to cool it for that energy might be fueling me being so blunt lately.
As for what to do THIS coming weekend, I don't have a ready answer....I guess I would be honest with your sister and Mom and tell them the bind you are in now because of your yard sale. Perhaps they and you could brainstorm and come up with another solution which would allow you to stay at your home for your sale. If you decide to find a way to stay there AND run your yard sale, I would still be sure to ask them to, in the future, give you at least two weeks' ( or more) notice. If you ask for this in a respectful way, they will be more apt to see your point of view and cooperate. Good luck.
When I was typing something on another thread, I thought about my mom knowing that I have the garage sale coming up and in her own way is still trrying to control me by NOT allowing the sale to proceed.
It was just a thought.
You've been played by your mother and your sister like one of the scenes in the TV show 24 that I saw last night. You did real well getting out with your son a while back which was a victory and I hope you still feel good about that.
If you get a chance to visit a site about dealing with a family member who has borderline personality disorder, you will most likely find the anacronym F.O.G. or in the book, Stop Walking on Eggshells.
Thanks for alerting me to your post here and I look forward to choping it up with you. However, I'm not a therapist and what I do share really can't replace face to face therapy. You really need someone who can help you get more and more victories over the F.O.G.
I flat out DON'T WANT TO GO, but that crowemagnum FOG's theory is weighing heavy on my mind.
It's the case again of do I or don't I. Mom has called this morning twice asking if I am coming over today. I say no each time and before I hang up she says she's looking forward to seeing me TODAY! I'm not going TODAY! and I don't want to go over there this weekend and have to stay the whole weekend.
Again it was not my sister who called, it is my mom. She's doing that on purpose using my mom as a bargening tool and when she does that it bothers me.
As long as I stay away, and go by as a visitor, I'm OK. Last week I was over there 5 days in a row, gardening. The "help" can water the veggies, and the geraniums, and the impatients, and greens, tomatoes, squash....(enough already). But I just don't want to go over there today and I certainly don't want to get stuck over there the entire weekend. If I don't go this time it will be the first time I will have flat out REFUSED to go due to prior plans. I do worry what alternative they will take and I worry about what my mom will be convinced of and how long it will take me to make her realize I had plans.
But more so I know her mind is not in the place it should be in. She is still worrying about things not being in place. I can see it on her face as she sits there and looks out the window. It's not an empty look, it's a look of "Lord what am I going to do". I'm sure we have all seen this same look in our parents eyes, it's desperation, fear, challenge, confusion....it's a mirror of our very thoughts.
Can ya dig it?