My husband and I live with my mother, arrangement made ten yrs ago as she needed help and I was trying to work,raise 3kids and take care of her and run my house. Biggest mistake ever!!!!! Too late to change now. Need help on stopping or dealing with emotional abuse. I never do anything right, never do enough, run too much,work too much, etc. I am to the point that I really don't even like her. Then I feel overwhelming guilt. I'm not gonna change her, how do I deal with this.
She needs her own place to live. As with most verbally and emotionally abusive people, when they think they are in control they become little monsters. Your home, your rules. This is your home, right?
Has she always been an emotionally abusive mom?
If she's always been emotionally abusive, then read the following thread and call a therapist today for an appointment.
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/power-of-emotional-blackmailers-176430.htm
Good luck and let us know how things work out.
I never do anything right - oh sorry! (cheerful one not a meant one) and walk away
never do enough - just going to make tea what do you fancy? (walk away - never ever engage on this one you will lose and getting angry is of no long run benefit to you)
run too much (yes I do, I love running AND insert husbands name loves how it keeps me firm and fit for him - they dont usually want to engage on that front let me tell you)then walk away
work too much- yes I agree.... cuppa mum? and walk away
I think that I would say that I don't tolerate that behavior and if you want to keep this behavior up (describe it in concrete detail) then you will need to find someone else to drive you.
After years of trying to be nice to an abusive narcissistic mother and being in therapy to find freedom, my wife finally told her mother, you keep this behavior up toward my children and you will never see them again. That got her attention quickly!
We take a take nor prisoners approach to boundaries. It works better that way.
My dad was verbally abusive, argumentative and just nasty. He would sit and glare at me and pick at me when I would try to have dinner with the family. I recognized what he was and what he was doing. I swore I would never marry a little bully like him. What I didn't recognize was my mother was the second side of the same coin. She never protected me, it was always about her and her pocket book. So without the proper help, I married my mother. Nicer than her but still very similar. :/
She literally sees you as beneath her, plus being in her house makes it easier for her to relate to you as if you were still her little girl and for you to return to the role of living like you are still her little girl.
With your having to walk on eggshells and her being different with different people, I can guess that she has a personality disorder. Do you tolerate her badmouthing your husband? Does she badmouth your children also. Has she ever verbally abused your children or your husband?
I don't think you need to quit your job so that she can have you visit her worshipfulness more! Not at all! I think you should quit living in your mother's basement literally and figuratively as well as find some other way for your mom to be cared for.
I was once too wiling to be too patient like your husband, but that changed years ago. I've been in therapy, learned about boundaries, set some with concrete consequences, got my boys in therapy and saw much progress gained for my family from that point forward.
It's time to start living above ground! Your in an emotionally abusive relationship. Get therapy for yourself and your husband and move forward, not downward with your lives.
Good luck and let us know how things work out.
I do make time to sit with Mum and yes it is a bit of a chore sometimes but I do it because I know I have to. So bar of chocolate first (glass of wine if thats your treat) then I brave the bears den.....if she starts to get really difficult I laughingly say ....oi oi oi I aint your skivvy mother, you can get it and the docs all say you need to do as much as you can use it or lose it so I will help you but I wont get it for you.....god she hates me saying that but it gives me back the power. As for friends....well I lost several but then were they friends? They would have to walk a mile in my shoes before they could say I was horrible about her or to her. My doc thinks I am fantastic, her Psych thinks so too, EVEN the social worker who I loathe has had to admit that I do the job well and boy she must have really had to suck it up to say that AND give me 6 weeks respite a year boy did that hurt her (YIPPEEE) - She asked for every bit of damned paperwork a care home auditor would and I had it all there in the files. The receipts arent in date order she said. They dont have to be said I they are all itemised on a spreadsheet with corresponding numbers if you want to be that picky go look....she didnt. So if I am caring properly (albeit sometimes with great angst and grumpiness, if I do get short sometimes so what we all do, if the friends that do care really DO CARE then what more could I ask for? Ah that would be some special someone to spend time with - humph fat chance! Meanwhile today I get 2 days respite - see you all Sunday xxxxxxxx
I would consider my sanity more important than my dog. Plus, I would imagine that by this time you might have enough money to buy a house.
I must ask, growing up around your mean mom down in the basement, did your daughter find home a nice place to be where she could invite her friends over or did she spend most of her time with her friends at their homes?
How much more are you going to keep taking of your mom's meanness and offering yourself and your husband as targets of her abuse. She's not going to change her dance or tune, but you don't have to dance with her to the same tune. It's Friday, so got out tonight and dance with your husband!
Take care!
Even if she arrives home at the end of the day and starts up with her abuse, you'll at least have had a peaceful day and may be better able to handle it.
It's rather sad, but I can't keep company with her for very long. After about 5 minutes things start heading south. She starts with a list of things she wants to do. She can't understand that I'm not a young person anymore. I don't dig ditches, nor did I ever. If I don't say I'll comply, I'm a lazy person who never has done anything. Then she pulls up my teenage years like they were yesterday. I want to say that if she and my dad weren't such horrible parents, maybe they wouldn't have had such trouble with their kids. But I can't say that. Dealing with abusive elders is like going into battle with no weapons. The only thing we can do is walk away.
I like that you are getting out of the situation, because I know it is not healthy. Even if you're handling the day-to-day, it takes a toll long-term. No one owes this to a parent. That you are here talking about it, obnurse, says it is taking a toll on you. If your mother is like mine, there is no way to change her. Taking care of her from a distance sounds like a much better idea.
Sounds a lot like some verses from Proverbs.
Proverbs 21:9 "It is better to live in a corner of a roof Than in a house shared with a contentious woman."
There another verse in Proverbs that talks about it being better to live in a desert than in such a contentious situation.