I’m not sure they know what they are getting into which is why she is in a NH and not living with me in the first place. She cannot walk, needs 100% assistance in using the bathroom and changing her depends. Just looking and talking with her you would think she is fully capable. She is not. They don’t speak to me. I’m concerned.
That's how I would handle this chaos....get this list on file immediately, along with oral notice that only the POA is to take her out, providing it is YOU who hold POA. If not, then you hold no power to create such a list.
Most people who aren't directly involved with compromised elders have NO CLUE what it'll be like to take the woman out for "a fun holiday". God help them.
So many factors go into moving a LO to a family gathering--we all assume they'll be so happy to be with the family--but in truth, many elderly do NOT enjoy large gatherings with lots of people.
We had mom to our home for Christmas a few years ago (pre-covid). She had to be carried up the stairs by my Sons in Law. She sat in one chair, was served brunch and watched the gkids open their gifts. After >90 minutes she was exhausted and wanted to go home. I think it took her a week to 'get over' the stress that being in a small house with a lot of people caused. She never came to my home again.
My MIL would rather undergo torture than be with a large or even small family group. She is so panicky all the time. Always has been, but being in groups of more than 4 she freaks out.
Both mom and MIL lived alone and liked their 'silent' lives. Mother has passed and frankly, I am kind of grateful b/c she would have not enjoyed the holidays at all. MIL will spend all holidays locked in her house. She might let DH and SIL in, but then again, she may not.
Someone needs to ASK mom what she truly wants and not make her feel guilty for saying 'no, I'm just not up for that'.
(And I'd make sure you aren't available as the back up plan)
-- or something!! and then let it go.
If you are going to be at the same family gathering you sit back and do not aid the "do gooders" that want to have mom for Thanksgiving.
Between 10 minutes and 30 minutes after mom arrives and she wants to "go home" because she is up set, confused, anxious simply say..."Sorry, I can't take her home right now I have had a glass of wine and I should not drive for a few hours"
If you have not cared for someone with Dementia, you have no idea what goes into that care. This will be a learning experience for the rest of the family. They will hopefully realize why you could not take care of Mom anymore.
I so hope your are glad u weren't invited. You know they would have expected you to do for her. Have a great Thanksgiving and don't worry about Mom. This is a choice "well meaning family" made. Let them deal with it. If they call for help, say sorry I am busy with my own family. You chose to take her out of the NH and by doing that she is ur responsibility. People learn by experiencing. Bet they never do it again.
The impractical aspects of it are their problem and apart from a discreet chuckle in your sleeve you needn't give it a thought. But of more concern are a) failure to realize how physically exhausting a whole day of social engagement can be for a frail elder and b) potential injuries from moving and handling errors.
So... Who exactly has planned this particular project in its details? Anyone?
mom just a person who believes in preparing for the worse . Hope she enjoys her day. Just feel really disrespected by the family members for not discussing with me, Bottom line my mom is an adult. If she wants to go , that’s great. They just don’t realize it’s more to jyst wsnting to go .
There's nothing more educational than forcing someone to go hands-on with caregiving for a day.
I'd say this is a MYOB moment if you don't have POA.
When you think about it, it's probably no different than Grandparents wanting to take an young Grandchild out to visit others. There all that extra packing, too. Plus all that worrying by the child's parent.
Yes, there is a difference between an elder and a child, usually in size, but the problem is parallel.
So I'm thinking she was AT LEAST a 2 person assist getting out of the wheelchair and into the car. Not sure how (or even "if") she was able to get out of the car at the intended destination. They also left without the wheelchair. Didn't take a list of meds in case of emergency. Didn't even ask if any meds would be due while they were out of the facility. Didn't take incontinence pads. Didn't take change of clothes. You get the picture.
Person who did this never believed it that a NH was truly necessary and my LO really wasn't "that bad off", etc. I was pooh-poohed and painted as heartless for putting Marge away for "no reason" other than I supposedly didn't want to be bothered anymore....., etc. etc. etc.
She did come back a couple of hours later - might have even been less. It seemed like forever is what I remember.
The person who took her that day, never attempted it again. I never got the full story on how it went, but it was never tried again. Object lesson.
I would stay out of it all. Le them change her diapers and do whatever is necessary.
You, go about enjoying your holidays!
This is a lesson they need to learn.
I've heard some families are asking visitors to do a covid test before coming to the gatherings on Thanksgiving and also for Christmas. I've seen plenty of test kits at the local pharmacy.
Plus, if the nursing home was concerned this season about covid, they wouldn't allow your Mom to leave. Does the nursing home require their residents to be up-to-date on covid booster shots and the flu shot?