What am I doing wrong...please answer!!
BEEN TAKING CARE OF MOM FOR ELEVEN YEARS NOW COURSE PAST THREE HAS BEEN VERY STRESSFUL DUE TO SHE BECAME BED RIDDEN AND HAVE TO DO ALOT OF THINGS FOR HER SHE OR I HAVE BEEN TOLD SHE HAS DEMENTIA AND THIS IS THE RESULTS OF YRS AGO BEGINNING WITH SM CELL LUNG CANCER WHICH MAJORITY OF PPL DO NOT LIVE IF ITS SM CELL THEN THEY DID RADITION AS A PRECAUTION BUT AT THE BEGINNING OF TREATMENTS THEY TOLD ME SHE WOULD NT HAVVE TO HAVE RADITION GAVETO HER 14 DAYS STRAIGHT 2TIMES A DAY HOW STUPID WAS I TO GO THRU WITH that IN MY OPINON BURNT OR DID DAMAGED SOME OF HER BRAIN RIGHT AFTER THAT THEY SHE GOES SCUFFING FEET AND SO ON NONON FALLING COURSE THEY HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING SO THEY THEN DIAGNOSED HER WITH PARKNSONS DISEASE SHE NEVER DID SHAKE SO TIME GOES ON AND ON AND ON OF FALLS AFTER FALLS TILL ONE DAY WOULD NOT EAT OR DRINK SO I WAS CONCERENED ABOUT GIVING HER MEDS ALso she would not talk guess became so weak couldnt talk so here we go to pdisease Dr and this DR shld no all about the disease and what happens I didn t never been in medical field till then so to get meds in her he suggested feeding tube so another mistake i made was to go along with him afterwards came home got moms will out and it states does not want feeding tube so she went to hospital for that so tey told me three in half yrs ago to bring her home to getting her ready for her passin well I did that came home with hospice course I never thought about phys therapy I was listening to Drs saying get ready for her passin well not that I want mom topass but do not want to see her how it is now well her passin never came and by not getting up she became 100 percent bedridden not just because its my story but if not radition wld she of been ok maybe so at least not bedridden for me this is sADDDDDDDstory and makes me sick of all my mistakes had no one to discuss things with except Drs cuz she is the last member other then me to be living anyways only thing im proud of is fact been in bed now for 3yrs AND HAS NONON O BEDSORES THANK GOD but my ? she is bored IM getting tired this has put and huge strain on myself and marriage im really getting depreSsed and find myself screaming alot and staringn at walls RUNNING OUT OF MONEY FOR Caregivers which practically do nothing i just cannot sit back in her room all day 24hrs and finding myself not being able to turn her like before dont no if im getting more tired or weak or what not to mention the fact as of three weeks ago my husband age of 48 has been diagnosed with skin cancer and unfortunately worse skin cancer out there mellonoma stage three and taking care of my mom has left me no time to do much of anything else wnd when I DO I have to pay all the time for someone to do oe help me with mom and feel like im doing something wrong or is this just her life a bed when was in respite car=e and home for phy th b4 all they do is end up druggin her so she wont try to climb out of bed im really tired of DEAD END STREETS SHE HAS BEEN ON STATE WAIVER LIST FOR THREE YRS NOW THEY TOLD ME SHE IS NUMBER 4000 WELL I WILL LUST WAIT AND SEND THEM INVITATION TO HER FUNERAL SHE WONT EVER GET HELP SO I CANNOT HELP BUT FEEL IM WRONG AND HELP LESS AND AT TIMES I SAY I MUST BE STUPID OTHERS GET SOMEWHERE. ANYWAYS THANK YOU 4 READING IF ANY ADVICE PLZ SEND IT MY WAY . HAVE GOOD DAY
This is my first day on this site and this is my first post. I wish you the very best. I'm sorry I have no advice for you but I am in the beginning stages of this elder care. Just believe in yourself and go with your heart and maybe ask for help from your church or a local church if you dont attend. At the very least they should be able to make suggestions and direct you.
Try not to focus on who did what wrong. The really bad wrong things are nobody's fault: Mother got cancer. Mother developed Parkinson's and dementia (or something similar).
Did the radiation treatment contribute to the Parkinson's (or whatever it is)? Maybe. But thousands of people get that disease who have never had radiation.
You made every decision you did with her best interests in mind, with the information you had available to you. That is all any of us can do. Sometimes with more information later, or after we see the results we wish we had made a different decision. But there is no value in trying to assign blame or focussing on what we did "wrong." Do your best and move on.
Would you consider placing Mom in a care facility, so that you can focus more of your attention on your husband? That may also help with her boredom. I don't mean dump her there and abandon her. I know you would never do that. But letting someone else do the hands-on work while you visit her as a loving daughter might work better right now. Your husband needs you. You can't do everything at once. That doesn't mean you are wrong or stupid. We all have limits.
Would your husband be agreeable to moving Mom's bed into the living room so she is not bored but you can get on with things you need to do and keep an eye on her at the same time? two other things you can do. one is ask hospice to come in and evaluate her and see if she is suitable for their program or palliative care. The second is get in touch with Public Health she may qualify for some help from aides that you don't have to pay for. If you have a local catholic charities they may also be able to help you. they will know what resources are available to you locally.
Welcome OnlyMe there are a lot of caring people here ready to help and give advice.
I think at this time, you should put your husband and your marriage first.
Sometimes we think that if we do everything right, we can prevent bad things from happening. Well, it's true that if we study hard and don't smoke and exercise we will have a better life. But disasters can ruin all our efforts. The best plans in the world won't protect your house from a tornado. Your mother was hit by a tornado or two. You can't know what would have happened if she hadn't had radiation. Following the doctor's advice is usually the right thing to do.
Please don't keep believing that it's your fault that Mom is in her present condition. You are not God, and you don't have superpowers. Wait. As Jeanne said - you may have a superpower of preventing bedsores. WELL DONE!
Again, I'm so sorry your life is so hard.