My mom lives with me and my husband for the last 5 years.
She has slowly declined.
She cannot sleep in a bed.
We set her up in a recliner with her c pap and all the things she needs in the living room. My husband and I don't care because most of the time it is just us three.
When people come to visit, she is where she needs to be.
Because of covid my daughter did not come to visit for almost 2 years.
So for Thanksgiving this year, we were all able to be together.
I have 2 grandsons. 1 from each daughter.
They turned my house into their own private rompers room. Just made a mess of everything. The noise was very annoying.
It aggravated my mom. So she was constantly telling the boys to be quiet. So was I telling them. This aggravated my oldest daughter.
My daughter wants me to put my mother in a room by herself when she comes over.
I told her I will not do that.
I would have to move everything and I just don't have the energy or the will to do that. She was here 2 days and she said she can't stand it and she won't be back. Telling me that she gave me a solution and I refuse to do it.
When she got home. She lives 3 hours from me. She called me and was telling me everything she thought I did wrong in her life. I couldn't believe the things she was saying to me. I defended myself and it infuriated her saying I'm in denial.
There was no reasoning with her and after what seemed like forever she then hung up on me.
I've had disagreements with her before but nothing like this her dictating what I need to do or she won't be back and her son will not come up for the summer.
My grandsons are very active.
I put up with it cause I love them and want them around.
When those two get together it gets very noisy. One is 10 years old and the other is 5.
We can not trust them to be together alone. The 10 year old tries to hurt the 5 year old.
He is jealous of him. The 5 year old lives near me and I see him almost everyday. Mom and I both look forward to seeing them. But he is noisy all by himself. They both are.
I don't know what I should do about my daughter.
I don't want to change anything about the setup I have with mother. It works for my husband and I.
I don't know but I've been praying.
I ask because this is where the issues could come from. He needs to behave when alone to set the example for his cousin that doesn't get to see you almost daily.
My brothers 5 kids could spend weeks at my house without ever having this problem. The rules were the rules and equally enforced. We are a noisy family under the best circumstances but, we teach the kids that there is a time and place and in the middle of the house is not it. But, it has to apply to them all, individually or in a group. It works this way.
Is it possible for you to go visit your daughter and have time with just her and her family in their home to see what that dynamic looks like?
Many years ago when my husband and I divorced, one of my 2 sons lived away and did not understand the situation. Mainly because I didn't now want to include my grown sons on a lot of my decision. However, he didn't send me pictures of his first son and didn't answer my calls - if he wanted to hold my grandson hostage because of my choices that was his choice. I still loved them all no matter what...but I let them be, and stayed the same. My son came around and all worked out fine.
I say that because again...you can still love your grandson and you can still be yourself....just don't let your daughter control you!!!
I am in a similar situation now with my mom...I take care of her..... and when my older son wants to come to town... he knows my mom can't handle the 3 kids running around here ... so if he needs help finding a place to stay I will help. He can bring the kids to visit but they can't stay over night...as much as I love them.
We all have outside battle when taking care of an elderly parent... please choose the battles that affect your daily life the most and the others will fall in line. None of us are super heroes!!
Blessing to you and your husband !!