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Sandra, when the 5 year old comes over, is he allowed to behave the way you described the 2 of them behaving?

I ask because this is where the issues could come from. He needs to behave when alone to set the example for his cousin that doesn't get to see you almost daily.

My brothers 5 kids could spend weeks at my house without ever having this problem. The rules were the rules and equally enforced. We are a noisy family under the best circumstances but, we teach the kids that there is a time and place and in the middle of the house is not it. But, it has to apply to them all, individually or in a group. It works this way.

Is it possible for you to go visit your daughter and have time with just her and her family in their home to see what that dynamic looks like?
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Sandrawhocares: Imho, perhaps the daughter(s) and you could have some alone time in the form of a meet up for lunch, shopping, etc.
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In my world I would expect my adult children to understand that I am being a good daughter, will take my mom to the finish line and they need to follow the rules in my home. I have and will again tell my daughter if she thinks I was a bad mom she needs counseling and to avoid me. No adult needs to spend time with a parent they think was a bad parent. As adults we can choose what we do and where we go. That stopped my daughters nonsense talk pretty quickly. {she is 50 and still brings up a non corporal punishment when she was 14! Enough! This is your home..if your husbands comfortable with the situation your kids need to stay at a motel when they visit. The their children need to behave reasonably and respect their grandparents. Schedule a lunch when possible …even halfway…. between your homes for some quality time with your daughter. Put your mental health first.
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I am sorry, but the daughter has the problem not you. You and your husband have to do what works for you. Really sad that your daughter cannot see the devotion you have to take care of your mom. That is what love is about! I will pray for you too.

Many years ago when my husband and I divorced, one of my 2 sons lived away and did not understand the situation. Mainly because I didn't now want to include my grown sons on a lot of my decision. However, he didn't send me pictures of his first son and didn't answer my calls - if he wanted to hold my grandson hostage because of my choices that was his choice. I still loved them all no matter what...but I let them be, and stayed the same. My son came around and all worked out fine.
I say that because again...you can still love your grandson and you can still be yourself....just don't let your daughter control you!!!

I am in a similar situation now with my mom...I take care of her..... and when my older son wants to come to town... he knows my mom can't handle the 3 kids running around here ... so if he needs help finding a place to stay I will help. He can bring the kids to visit but they can't stay over night...as much as I love them.

We all have outside battle when taking care of an elderly parent... please choose the battles that affect your daily life the most and the others will fall in line. None of us are super heroes!!

Blessing to you and your husband !!
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