Rights vs. responsibilities. I was suddenly and unwillingly thrust into the position of full time (35-40 hrs per week) caregiver to my 91 year old Mom when my dad died of cancer earlier this year. I am disabled with severe depression/bipolar, but I have no siblings or other close relatives to help with Mom's care. At this point, I'm financially, mentally and physically too depleted to go on much longer.
Is it possible to walk away from this? Or are there legal repercussions?
My condolences on the loss of your father.
Good luck to you.
Thanks for the suggestion about the lawyer. It was my thought exactly -- as soon as we get back from Dad's funeral (in 2 weeks), I intended to consult with an Elder Care attorney to see what can be done to protect both of us.
Mom's wishes for YOU ONLY are rooted in fear.
Her fear is real. But..
But it is not a law that must be obeyed. Nor a moral obligation that must be obeyed.
Her need to control her fear does not overweigh your needs (for health etc).
I would say you don't need to be 100% her hands-on caregiver, or 0% walked completely away. There are many variations inbetween.
1. Find a Social Worker or Area of Aging to help find Mom a new care plan for all that she needs.
2. Work at finding support for yourself & self-care strategies.
Best of luck for the new future.
There are countable and non-countable assets.
In terms of income, some States allow Miller/QIT/pooled income trusts to siphon off extra income which goes to the state after. The Medicaid recipient's death. In some states, there are "spend down" provisions.
I recently learned that ALL of my retirement assets are sheltered from Medicaid. Unreal.
Make sure the lawyer is a CELA. Good luck with the funeral.
As for the funeral....you have to take care of YOU...if there are folks that wouldn't understand her not being there...ask them to come pick Mom up and drive here there and back. It's the same time and distance if you were to do it.
I'm only just beginning to be acquainted with the spend down plan. I don't quite get what all of that entails, so yes, I will be seeking the help of an attorney.
Really, what I'd like to see happen is a valid excuse for both of us to be absent at Dad's funeral (something like Mom's doctor forbidding travel!) that would satisfy everyone. This morning, however, Mom was talking on and on about the funeral and how she's looking forward to seeing her sister and brother. On the one hand, she's very homesick and wants to visit her family; on the other, she's afraid of strange places and people and doesn't like leaving her own home.
It is 100 percent up to you, and her having bombed the cognition testing at the doctors proves it. Her poor brain isn't working. The same way you wouldn't defer to the wishes of a two year old demanding to go skydiving, or someone just out of the hospital with a massive head injury, that's the situation you're in now. Just because she doesn't like your choices or doesn't agree with them doesn't mean you're wrong.
I'm sorry to put more stress on you but you have to be the adult in the relationship with your mom now, she can't do it any more. On the other hand, when you realize you're in charge and don't have to convince her or get her to like your decisions, maybe you can get some peace from the power struggle.
And lastly, if the family expects you to drag a woman suffering from brain disease anywhere, their expectations are dumb and not worth worrying about.
One thought occurs -- even without Mom's PCP forbidding travel, I might just say screw it and walk which leaves Mom without a ride out of state. She would have to arrange transport for herself or the family can suck it up. Naturally, I will never be forgiven by Mom's family. I have to be able to take the heat from both them and her.
Your mother has dementia, freaks out on you all the time, is incontinent, and you're going to drive her 4.5 hours by car to the funeral.
Don't do it. Please don't do it.
My last caregiving job was for a woman who was totally out of it with dementia, wheelchair bound, and incontinent. Her husband passed away. Everyone expected her to be at the funeral service for him and expected me to get her there. I flatly refused. When her shocked friends and family members asked why I wouldn't "help" her I explained plainly. If she craps herself at the funeral home there is nowhere to change her. So she would have to remain sitting in it until she got home. I explained that she didn't remember from one moment to the next that her husband had died and that many people would be overwhelming to her. They understood then.
Explain plainly if anyone asks why your mother couldn't be at the funeral service.
It occurs to me, just re-reading this now that I have it written, that these people expect a LOT.
I've told Uncle repeatedly over the past 2 months how badly Mom is doing, and he downplays or ignores what I say. If Mom has an "accident" in the car on the way back, I guess Uncle will get to smell the truth for himself.
It doesn't matter what she tells you these folks think of you
She's probably projecting.
Do what feels safe and sensible to you, for you AND for your mom.
Tell "the crowd" that you've come down with COVID.