My mum is in care, my dad still living in his home (90 years old) with support from us 4 children in his care as he does not want "outside" help. We respect dad's wishes with his care but he is very controlling with mum who is in care. He stopped my sister and I taking mum out in the car for the day, so when we conceded and took her for a walk in wheelchair he put a stop to that. He has tried to stop us having family lunches (he is always included) on the verandah at the home by asking staff to lie and tell us it is not allowed! Now my mum is bedridden and kept in her room. We brought her a tv and the next day dad removed it. I feel strongly about mum's quality of life and when I try and discuss this with dad he just tells me I have no rights as he has Power of Attorney for mum. What is the best way to handle this situation? I will be most grateful for any suggestions.
Your father may have Power of Attorney, but that doesn't mean he gets to control every aspect of your mother's life - and especially not if she is still mentally "with it". How is she doing on that score?
What sort of home or facility is your mother living in?
Are you in Australia or something? Got to be somewhere warm enough to be having lunch on the verandah in January!
It’s also true that Power of Attorney does not make him the Grandmaster. Stand up to him for your mother’s well-being.
Was your mother taken into care against your father's wishes? Was it a battle and a half to get him to agree?
I'm trying to understand where his antagonism is coming from. What's he got against her having a t.v.?
I'd avoid confrontation as far as you possibly can. Pick your battles - what about trying a radio or an iPod, even, just for now, if the t.v. sparks him off?
I wonder if actually the next step might need to be the four of you applying for guardianship of your dad! If he loses capacity, don't forget, his POA will lapse - it can't be exercised by a person who is legally incompetent.
I expect you've already done this, have you? - but do report the changes in his personality and behaviour to his GP.
Yesterday I went to a friend's funeral then to the ocean, listened to an Irish band while looking out to sea, it was then I realized at this time of my parent's life more than ever I need to be forgiving, kind, understanding and loving.