I'm not too far away from turning 30. I've had to help my mom for over a decade and especially in the last 4-5 years. Because of that and because of the shape she's in, mainly her unable to use the bathroom without help, along with her refusal to get extra help and the nursing home not being an option, I haven't been able to try and find work and had no choice but to delay the start of my career.
Some backstory here. I didn't work during college because if I did, I would've flunked out. My dad and one of my siblings were on me on a semi-regular basis to find work and they, mainly the sibling, didn't fully realize I wasn't built to balance school and work and I would've paid for THEIR mistake had I listened to them. I had 4 big papers due in a 5 day span at one point, but the sibling somehow felt that wasn't a legit excuse to not work during college despite the fact I was practically living at the library for a couple of weeks as a result at the time. My mom was in better shape during my time in college compared to now, but she was in bad enough shape to where she couldn't completely go without any help from me when I was home for the summer, breaks, or even a weekend, thus eliminating a summer job.
I had post-college depression after college and when I came back to my hometown after graduating, I had zero motivation to do much of anything, let alone find work. What few jobs I tried to apply for, I never got to the interview stage. And it was mostly entry level jobs. Not even one of my in-laws yelling at me to find work got me motivated to look. My mom's mobility woes and, unbeknownst to us at the time, undiagnosed cancer also kept me from looking for work in other cities and towns. I had planned on making a harder push to find work when 2017 began, but my mom's cancer diagnosis derailed that plan before it could be launched. I did try to apply for a couple of jobs while she underwent chemo. I didn't get hired by either, but both proved to be blessings in disguise. Had I been working while she did chemo, who would take her to chemo? She mainly rode in my car and I would've had it while working. And when I tried applying for the 2nd job, that came a few weeks before my mom started using a wheelchair and I had to start driving her to her treatments after that.
I've seen stories from caregivers that had to drop out of the workforce and take up caregiving roles, only to find themselves struggling, if not unable, to return to the workforce once caregiving ended. And it makes me wonder what I could be in for as someone with no job experience because of uncontrollable circumstances and the fact that caregiving prevented me from launching a career after I graduated college.
That would make you 50 years old with no work history.
I suppose you would be a perfect candidate to work in a nursing home with all your experience.
How sad that your entire existence has been all about your selfish and pathetic mother.
Getting a job when your caregiving duties end is the least of your problems.
Why is a nursing home not an option? Sure mom may refuse to.go. You need to get on with your life!
Sometimes it's time to look life in the eye. SEE where you are.. maybe stuck... Maybe being stuck was meant to be for while. Even a long while.
Better than going backwards!
Not staying stuck forever is the thing. Move FORWARD when ready.
My husband and I have run a branding/marketeing firm for 38 yrs and have hired many people for many differing positions. We never "required" a degree and could overlook lack of experience, the candidates just had to have good hygiene, good people skills, and prove that they were self-governing on the job and creative problem solvers.
IMHO if you can allow yourself to be flexible but have a realist end-goal in sight, you can do much in life. This is the hottest job market I can ever remember, so you should be able to get a full-time job that would give you benefits so that at least you can get your independence established. Before starting our business, my husband and I worked all sorts of jobs that were unrelated to what we do now. But patience and willingness to work hard are very important, not necessarily the degree (...and what is your degree in? ).
To be honest your post sounds a little Eeore-ish. Perhaps you have untreated depression? Maybe you've not been able to get regular exercise? Exercising clears the mind and helps release endorphins, and you just feel better and sleep better.
Many things can be out of one's control but you can control how you respond to it. If you are unwilling to resign from caregiving your mother, maybe consider contacting a temp agency to see what WFH positions there may be: many Customer Service Reps receive those calls at their home and the company provides them with a laptop and trains them. I know because my relative did this.
You obviously love your mom a lot to have sacrificed so much to help her. But enough is enough and you need to launch your own life now. I think you are listening to exterior voices who are "catastrophizing" you leaving her to do your own life. Please consider getting social services involved to see what in-home help she qualifies for from the county so you can slow extricate yourself. You don't need to tell her this is your hope and plan. You don't need to tell any relative.
Years ago I read a book called "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud. I think it would help you. That, or working with a therapist so that you can get an objective viewpoint of where to draw lines and how to maintain boundaries. You are the captain of your own destiny. Once you internalize this truth and stop allowing exterior forces to control your situation you'll see just how many good options you actually have. It will be life-changing.
I am quite sure that you won't agree, but your "failure to launch" if I may so put it has nothing whatever to do with your mother's ill health. Who would have driven her to chemo if you'd been working, indeed. Good heavens, what do you think happens to all the patients who don't have unemployed sons on hand to take them? - they find a way. Your mother would have found a way.
People yelling at you or nagging you on a semi-regular basis are not going to provide you with motivation. Finding something you want to do will. What do you, or failing that what did you, want to do?
Start getting your ducks in a row now..it is part of the caregiving. Who has POA? Are all those things in place? Are you caregiver for mom , because she doesn’t have funds for an AL ? Or nursing home? Regardless steps should be taken to prepare for this.
call your county office of aged and disabilities office for insight.
Timeline .. your mom in mid fifties? As another poster sited , you could be still in this roll when your fifty.. then what ? See, you have the keys to your future. You have to take the steps to unlock it.
To see you need a little help, to get some therapy or a life coach to look at *life stuff* & work out want you really want & how to plot a course there.. also smart.
I am sorry your Mother is ill. There may be not a lot you can change about that.
But I do hope you tend to your own life plans - so you can nurture then to spring to life very soon.
One morning as I was changing Mom's ostomy bag, it dawned on me, that I'd far rather do that than to ever work in retail agin. After she passed, I volunteered at the Cancer Center she was treated at. Loved it. Spoke to a female reproductive oncologist surgeon who totally supported my career change, as did many other people I spoke to there.
I enrolled in Community College's medical assistant program-2 years, and, most importantly recognized by the American Medical Association-not a program in a strip mall setting. My skills, training are recognized and respected by the AMA. Tuition is not cheap-but worth every penny.
In a few months from graduating, I had a very good job in the field. One surgeon said I was the best MA they ever hired. In six months from graduation, I'd earned back all that was spent on my career change/education. I was not young when this happened, but, didn't stop me-I had to have a better way of making a living.
So, buckle up Buttercup, time to take charge of yourself, of getting in to the regular world and get started on to a better life. With all the caregiving you have done, why not volunteer at a senior center? See where it takes you.
1. From what I read, this is a prime time to find an entry level job, as the job market seems to be in turmoil as the US churns through changes and challenges at many levels.
2. Those who start at the top are more likely to have connections, platinum degrees from highly desirable colleges, and/or other supports. Most of us don't have that.
3. I started as a receptionist at a small real estate company, and while I was too young to understand the concept of leveraging jobs, that's what happened. Eventually I moved into law, accidentally, but found that the legal field is fascinating, and so relevant to everyday life. I often "temped" to get a broader exposure to law, worked at some top law firms, gained a wide breadth of exposure to various practice areas of law, and got hired when I was ready to settle down at one firm.
Eventually I moved into paralegal work, then later at another governmental agency, contract administration. That was a long way from being a receptionist.
4. Along the way, I went to college, but never graduated as I ran out of money and could in no way justify or afford the PhD that originally was my goal. Nor would I borrow and go into debt; I just worked 2 jobs.
Once I went from my day job in law to a hostess at a local restaurant. It was an interesting contrast and helped pay for tuition.
5. I think you need to stop using caregiving as an excuse; you need to change your attitude and stop considering it as a detriment. Ariadnee writes from good experience: how can you leverage this experience to get an entry level job?
Do some research and focus more on the aspects of working you'll be learning, not the least of which is interacting with people of lessor or greater educational experience, motivation, attitude, and more qualities.
6. Take a good look at what you're written and see how often caregiving is injected as a fallback.
7. If you're looking for confirmation that you won't find a decent job, you won't, w/o an attitude adjustment.
I'm being particularly blunt b/c that's the way I see the situation. Some serious insight into your approach is required at this point.
Excuses are ok-to a point. But, "time waits for no one, and it doesn't wait for me"-per Mick Jagger. Time to move on from the pity party, and get going into defining yourself as a person and a fully functioning part of society. Life ain't perfect, non of us are, but get into the game, a whole 'nother world is out there for you to explore.
What if you got hit by a car tomorrow?
Would your mom just die?
Nope. Social services would step in.
Just like if you left tomorrow to take a job.
Just like if you remained living with her and got a job at Denny's.
APS would step in and find her care.
You need to want a job and a life more than you fear your mother's disapproval or anger.
"To ask permission is to seek denial". Best career advice I ever got.
Is there a home to inherit? Anything else? What if mom and grandma need nursing home care? Nursing homes in my area are 10-12,000 a month. Any assets they may have have to be spent down before Medicaid will ever kick in. And then you need to make sure they are not giving money to anyone! You must have expenses how do you pay for them?
I think it would be helpful for you to meet with an elder law attorney to find out how best to care for mom and protect you and your future so when you need a facility there will be some assets for you to pay for that.
Aside from having trouble moving her legs, what illnesses does your mom have that prevent her from functioning on her own in a wheelchair?
Had a woman in my building in a wheelchair, paralyzed from polio. Went to work everyday until she died of cancer. Had hired help.
I still don't get why mom needs someone hovering 24/7.
And she gets emotional whenever someone tells her to exercise.
Ultimately, my mom will likely be around another 25-30 years. Longevity runs strong in her immediate line.
"Recovering from cancer treatments" for 5 years?
So this is a stable and chronic condition, according to her doctors? She will need round the clock care for the rest of her life, according to her doctors?
Is she paying you for being her caregiver? Has she seen a geriatric psychiatrist to treat her depression?
She hasn't seen a psychiatrist. Plus, the recovery has been ongoing since late 2018. 2017 was when she started the treatments.
You won't change anything until your mom dies and she won't change anything as long as she has her step and fetch boy. You would do better to come to terms with this life is your choice and it has some sucky consequences in your future.
Is it wrong to hope someone dies?
"Yes
I hate caregiving. It has done a lot of damage to my life. I'm almost 30 and I've had to help my mom in some capacity since I was 17 and caregiving is the only thing I've done since graduating college. I'm at the point where my disdain for helping my mom 24/7 outweighs my love for her. I cringe at times when she needs me to do something.
However, having said all of that, I DO NOT want the caregiving to end with her dying. I don't want it to end with me dying either. I want it to end with her being mobile and able to live on her own again and I can leave the nest and start my life. I don't want it to end with one or both of us dying or go through something major, tragic, or controversial. "
The way things are going, your caregiving career is tough to end with either you or mom dying. That isn't at all unusual, happens more often than not. The way I see it, you do not want to change it. For whatever reason you are content, or content enough to not want to change. And you are the only one that can change it.
What is your degree in? This is an excellent time to start a career, so many companies cannot find the employees they need. Get on with it!
Your mother can find paid care or extra help but you can never go back and relive these years.
as long as you are there, no one will change. Start with finding a job, any job, so you get some independence. From there you can look to start your career.
Find help for your mother and visit regularly, but start your own life.
But you have to take the first step and ask for help.
and five years to recover from treatment is way off base.
I have been confined to a wheelchair for several months. I have rehabbed almost completely. I transfer from bed to chair, go to the bathroom by myself. Will be showering by myself after this week and will be staying in home alone by the end of June. I am an insulin dependent diabetic and on kidney dialysis 5 days a week. All of it is tiring but I get along. I don't need my adult son to hold my hand. He lives his own life and I live mine.
You and your mother both need to get up off your butts and quit talking about doing something and do it. The level of enmeshment between the two of you is not healthy.
"She's the one who needs to hear those things, not me. In all likelihood, she doesn't have a backup plan if something happens to me."
Bob, you don't seem to understand. Your MOM is not the one who is going to initiate change. You need to be the one to change YOUR behavior.
I'm interested in the fact that your mom seemed to manage while you were in college, but suddenly in the summers, when you were at home, needed so much help that you were unable to take a job.
This is a dance--a dance of co-dependence that your two are doing. If one of you stops, the dance stops and your mother's steps will have to change.
But it's up to YOU to step off the dance floor.
you said this
She's the one who needs to hear those things, not me. In all likelihood, she doesn't have a backup plan if something happens to me
Be a man, a good son, and do just that and stand up to her.
Sounds like she doesn’t want to put the effort in. My mom did just that .my mother got c diff in her mid seventies, almost died, life changing event. She didn’t want to put the effort in… I have many “I told you so’s for her” You have to let her ….as long as your doing for her , she won’t !
I don't think your mother's illness and needs are the reason why you don't work. You say you had to "drop out of the workforce". You're very young and if you've been taking care of your mother for over a decade, you never really "dropped in" to the workforce.
Everyone starts at entry level. No one starts at the top. You're making excuses for why you don't work.
If you suffer from depression or mental illness, you may be unemployable. Even if you get a job, you may not be able to hold one for very long. From what you say here on the forum, I'm going to say that even if you get work you will find some fault and will sabotage it in some way or another to either get fired or find a reason to quit.
There are many people like you. My cousin for example. Many people have mental illness and are unable to hold down a job. You are not alone and it's not something to be ashamed of. Please get mental health care for yourself. At only 30 years old you are still young enough to get into a career. Don't wait. My cousin who never worked is now almost 60. He has 'aged out' for pretty much all employment including even the lowest wage entry level jobs. His father who has always supported him is elderly and won't live forever. He did help with the caregiving for his mother who had dementia for years and this is his excuse for never working. She passes away several years ago. His employment history should have started about 25 years or so ago before his mother needed caregiving. My cousin has been turned down time and time again for SSI. He will become homeless when his father passes unless a family member assumes responsibility for him or he gets approved for disability.
Don't let this happen to you especially if you have a college degree.
Family members and even paid caregivers can do for your mother.
I'm sure your mother would not want you to become like my cousin. She would not want to see you living in poverty on a small disability benefit (if you're fortunate enough to get approved). Or living a life of dependency on others with the threat of homelessness always looming on the horizon. Your mom wants better for you. You want and deserve better for yourself. Please seek out mental health care.
There's a big difference between an excuse and telling it like it is.
She does need to understand that the longer I'm stuck helping her, the more it hurts me in the long run. It hasn't hit her that the longer I have to forgo the start of my career, the more grim my long-term prospects are. She sometimes says "it's not what you know, it's who you know." Well, I know many, but that doesn't mean I'll get hired on the spot. All I can do is hope the worker shortage is still ongoing when she can go without me and hope someone with an open mind and big hearts hires me.
You need to find help for Mom. She is too dependent on you and she needs to understand, you must work. You need to get those wage credits so you get a decent Social Security check. Lets say you start collecting SS at 65. SS goes back, I think, only 35 years when looking at earnings. So now is the time to get that job.
Is Mom considered low income? Call your local Office of Aging and ask if they can evaluate Mom for you. Have them look at your home and see if there are things that can be done to make things easier for Mom. Maybe her doctor can order "in home" therapy to help determine Moms strong points and weak points. Maybe she can apply for "in home" Medicaid. She would get an aide, maybe not all day, but for enough time to help her. I bet if you can get Mom evaluated she is more capable than either of you think. Transportation, she can use the Senior bus.
At this point I would not try finding a job in what you majored in. Maybe a 2nd shift may be better for you a day shift. You need to make that first step. It really isn't what Mom wants, its what you need. You need to work. You need to have a life away from Mom. She needs to allow other people than you to help her.
So your first step is to call Office of Aging and find out what resources you can take advantage of. Call her PCP and ask for an order for in home therapy. (Medicare should pay for this) (if an aide is offered take it) When you find out what level of care Mom needs, you can go from there. Take any job you can find. You need to get out of that house. I will bet if Mom is left to her own devices, she will have to do for herself because she has to.
When you get your ducks in a row you need a good sit down with Mom. You tell her you MUST find a job because your future is being jeopardized caring for her. She MUST allow aides to come in and care for her because you are GOING to find a job. She will need to do more for herself than she does. Because if she continues like she is, you may have to place her in LTC because you physically will not be able to care for her. You deserve a life away from the house.
My Mom waited on my Dad hand and foot. There was not much she didn't do for him. He was literally, King of his Castle. My sister contracted a very aggressive cancer that the treatments were so bad she could not work for 8 months. Since she had a 6yr old, Mom went down to help her, 2 hrs away. I got my Dad. I did not need to be there everyday all day but I made sure he was fed and cleaned up after him. An Uncle stopped by. Surprisingly, Dad did very well alone. He was doing things for himself that otherwise he would have Mom doing. My Dad was 68. He had been on disability for heart since 52.
A friend of ours has a business. He wife died a few years back. He took over the care of his MIL who lived with them. He got her up in the morning and ready for the day. He sat her in her recliner with a table next to her of snacks, water, phone and TV remote. His business was local and not far from the house. Lunchtime he went home and fixed them lunch got her all comfy and went back to work. I would think family and friends dropped by. But, it worked for him and her. You do what you got to do.
Until you find a job and try it, you will never know what Mom is capable of. And you can't give in too early. She needs to realize there are things she needs to do for herself. If she didn't have you, she would be doing it herself or in a facility.
I do sympathize with you when it comes to College and working too. I would not be able to do it either. I would have needed to put my energy into my studies or they would have suffered.
I would say it is a grave mistake to not address your OWN life at the cost of throwing yourself on the altar of caring for family. You are at the age where the prime imperative is to get on with your life. Caring for family can become an excuse not to move out into the world.
Your parent care is really on them to plan for the best they can. It isn't a good thing that they have allowed you to give up your life and move in as a full time caregiver. The known path, even when it is a path that leads nowhere, is the path we tend to stay on. It is difficult to pay attention to the signs and choose a LESS KNOWN path that leads to a full life.
You already know, and really have kind of let us know that you know, that this isn't good for your job history moving forward. That said, anxiety is made of living in the past and in the future and not living for today. For today it is time to begin to discuss with your parents their plan moving forward, and time to tell them you cannot sacrifice your life to them.
I absolutely agree with BurntCaregiver that this is not an issue of your Mom's illness and needs (which is not even mentioned--her age? her diagnosis? her prognosis). This is about you, your choices. You have also not told us what your college degree is FOR/IN. That will make all the difference in the world for whether there are jobs for you out here, and how much they pay, and whether you will be hired. Some jobs are now in such dire straits for not having any workers that they couldn't care LESS what you did with the last two decades.
What you discuss here is not a one-issue pony. This is interwoven and there are many facets here. I would seek professional help on this subject specifically. Your need to have a life and the ways of moving forward. They will not be easy. There will be tears, your Mom's and your own. That's fine. This is worth crying over. But it is an issue that still must be addressed.
Big Sister had to write...there a few things going on here. First of all the best time to look for a job is when you have one. Basically, even if at the present time if you are not working, volunteer for anything today. Perhaps at the library since you spent a lot of time there.
It's sounds better on an interview even if it's "unpaid employment". I am in my 50's. I am from a different generation. I worked full-time and attended college full-time. I have had many jobs in my lifetime that I did not not like but the rent was due, I wanted to eat, the car insurance was due and I wanted to color my hair.
You can word your Caregiver Responsibilities as a job: Just go on any VNA website and look at their job description. Perhaps, you could ask some of your mother's docs for a reference letter.
You have options, you are NOT stuck. But it's like exercising once you stop your muscles atrophy.
Bottom line: Sometimes in life we have to take a "survival job". It will get you dressed up and out of the house. Right now, the job market is better than ever. Even lower level jobs are paying a lot. You certainly have worked hard as a caregiver but you are only 30. We may not have your total story BUT you obviously are bright with doing papers and completing college but don't undersell yourself.
If you a Caregiver you are punctual, meet deadlines, plan a schedule, expedite paperwork, have a structured routine, never take a sick day and never sleep in.
When you came back home after College you must have lived somewhere--I assume you mean in your parents' home? Did you pay board? I paid for my college, my dad died suddenly when I was in Grad School and I paid board from 18+ years on. I even paid for 1/2 of my high school and I couldn't drive until I could afford to pay for my own car insurance. I have been working since I was 15 years old. Necessity puts you in a different category. If you can open the fridge and there is food there and there is no heat and electric bill to pay I wouldn't get too comfortable. You don't want to remain where you are at 40.
Decide where you would like to work and go after it. REJECTION is part of the job search. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again.
The millennials are different than my generation. They want to be entertained going to work and promoted after six months. I have 10 nieces and nephews.
They have "flipflop Friday" at work, dress down, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Popcorn machine, ping pong tables at work, etc. When I went to work way back in the 80's I kept an extra pair of nylons in my pocketbook and called all of my bosses by "Mr. So & So". It's a different era.
You are only 30 the whole world is yours. You could even apply for a Master's program, get paid for living expenses and work as a tutor.
Some Resources: I worked as an Academic Advisor when I was in Grad School many years ago. Your College alma mater usually has a Career Placement Office and also an Alumni Office. These are both great contacts. Go to some of their events and give them your 30-second commercial. Volunteer with your area Alumni Club. Give them the short version, what you went to school for, mother took sick (but tell them all of the responsible things you have done) and you're ready for the next phase of your life.
Maybe apply to Graduate School. Or, if you like research papers, apply to get a Ph.D. You shouldn't have to pay for your Graduate School--I didn't. This way here you won't incur any debt.
When you graduate from College, the real world is not the same. You want utilities in your name. This is America, people from all over the world would risk their life to come and to seek the opportunities we may sometimes take for granted.
Even if you were/are disabled. I'm not sure from what you have written. You can still work. You have gifts. You want contribute and get paid but you have to be realistic. You
have a nice weekend!! :)
your question is:
"What are the chances of me finding work once caregiving ends?"
here's the answer:
none.
your chances are zero, zip, zilch, nada!
NOW GO OUT THERE AND PROVE ME WRONG.
Well that would be nice - for you - if she understood (& then released you). But it is not really essential to HER.
I think you are are waiting for permission to make changes.
Let me tell you a story... 🍿
I sat in after school detention once (well, more than once truth be told..). I had finished my assigned work & was bored. I looked around. Everyone waiting to be released.
I thought.. if I asked if I could leave politely, well, what was the the worst that could happen? The teacher would say no? Thought some more.
So I took a risk. I said "I'm ready to leave now". In a confident manner. The supervising teacher looked at me, sized me up, said "OK you may leave".