I'm not too far away from turning 30. I've had to help my mom for over a decade and especially in the last 4-5 years. Because of that and because of the shape she's in, mainly her unable to use the bathroom without help, along with her refusal to get extra help and the nursing home not being an option, I haven't been able to try and find work and had no choice but to delay the start of my career.
Some backstory here. I didn't work during college because if I did, I would've flunked out. My dad and one of my siblings were on me on a semi-regular basis to find work and they, mainly the sibling, didn't fully realize I wasn't built to balance school and work and I would've paid for THEIR mistake had I listened to them. I had 4 big papers due in a 5 day span at one point, but the sibling somehow felt that wasn't a legit excuse to not work during college despite the fact I was practically living at the library for a couple of weeks as a result at the time. My mom was in better shape during my time in college compared to now, but she was in bad enough shape to where she couldn't completely go without any help from me when I was home for the summer, breaks, or even a weekend, thus eliminating a summer job.
I had post-college depression after college and when I came back to my hometown after graduating, I had zero motivation to do much of anything, let alone find work. What few jobs I tried to apply for, I never got to the interview stage. And it was mostly entry level jobs. Not even one of my in-laws yelling at me to find work got me motivated to look. My mom's mobility woes and, unbeknownst to us at the time, undiagnosed cancer also kept me from looking for work in other cities and towns. I had planned on making a harder push to find work when 2017 began, but my mom's cancer diagnosis derailed that plan before it could be launched. I did try to apply for a couple of jobs while she underwent chemo. I didn't get hired by either, but both proved to be blessings in disguise. Had I been working while she did chemo, who would take her to chemo? She mainly rode in my car and I would've had it while working. And when I tried applying for the 2nd job, that came a few weeks before my mom started using a wheelchair and I had to start driving her to her treatments after that.
I've seen stories from caregivers that had to drop out of the workforce and take up caregiving roles, only to find themselves struggling, if not unable, to return to the workforce once caregiving ended. And it makes me wonder what I could be in for as someone with no job experience because of uncontrollable circumstances and the fact that caregiving prevented me from launching a career after I graduated college.
I've been in your shoes. In my case, I took care of my wife, both parents and other family members. My caregiving days are done (for now), but I there are still a few siblings that may need my help in the coming decade.
I noticed that you have no interest in caregiving or teaching as a career -- I understand completely.
A lot of people here saying "get a job" have no idea just how hard it is to get back to work after being a caregiver for as long as you (and I in the past) have. Finding work is not just about motivation. Other contributing factors: burnout, caregiver PTSD, depression, anxiety, fear, anger and feeling unknown, dishonored, disrespected, unseen, unheard, and not understood also prevent us from being the best version of ourselves. Learned helplessness, I imagine, also has an impact on your abilities right now.
The caregiving will end eventually, but the fact is that you're the one who needs care now. Be gentle with yourself and take it in steps:
1) Get your CV / résumé sorted. Recognize that most good companies will understand having to take time being a caregiver. Caregiving should be on your
résumé. There are plenty of skills used in caregiving that are useful to employers. Your caregiving is actually a job in itself.
2) Try ZipRecruiter as a way to let employers come to you. I'd recommend you go back to your college professors or anyone else involved in your college education that would be willing to write a reference for you and ask them for a reference letter. Caregivers seldom get the credit (and credibility) they deserve. ZipRecruiter likes to have references included in your profile. You can send a link to your references so that they can submit their opinions about you to ZipRecruiter directly.
3) Search on ZipRecruiter for "Entry Level" jobs. There are plenty out there. Once your profile is complete, recruiters will find you.
4) Find companies that will pay to train you for entry level positions or where the barriers to entry are low. Consider government jobs, healthcare jobs that involve government subsidies (like dialysis companies that get reimbursed from Medicare like DaVita or Fresenius) and work-from-home opportunities while you're still in caregiving mode. Of course, you didn't mention your what your major or college degree is in. I'd recommend you stay away from sales jobs. You'll find a lot of Insurance / sales jobs recruiters that will bleed you dry and they are the ones that usually take advantage of the desperate job seeker.
Search for the following articles online:
"Returning to the Workforce After Being a Caregiver by Rebecca Zucker"
"Rebuilding Your Life After Caregiving By CRHCF"
"Returning to Work After Caring for a Parent By Martin Yate"
"Long-term unemployed: Sample CV template and guide Total Jobs"
"The Untethered Soul Guided Journal: Practices to Journey Beyond Yourself by Michael A. Singer "
"Young Life Interrupted - A Podcast For Young Caregivers Adrienne Glusman"
Hope these things help you, my friend. Hang in there.
i wrote the following message as a reply to a reply (this means it’ll get lost among the messages).
so i re-post it here, because i’m worried about your mother (she hasn’t seen a doctor in 4 years; and you’re caring for her without knowing AT ALL what problems she has. i gave you an example: even vitamin deficiencies can lead to sluggishness, apathy, not wanting to do anything, not making good decisions, weak body. vitamin deficiency is EASILY treatable. it affects the body AND mind. you need a blood test, possibly vitamin supplements.) :
dear OP,
you need to get her to see a doctor. your mother might not be of sound mind (her wish not to see a doctor might be irrelevant; should be disregarded). you might be neglecting her by not getting a doctor to see her.
maybe YOU’RE afraid that if a doctor sees her, you’ll be criticized for neglect?
maybe the house is not in a good state, so YOU don’t want anyone to see it?
furthermore:
she might be severely depressed; temporarily mentally incompetent.
you must take the reins. you decide. you get a doctor to come to the house. you can say it’s a neighbour who called the doctor, so you’re not the “bad guy”, so she doesn’t blame you for having asked a doctor to come. you can open the door and say you had no idea a doctor was at the door. “but now that a doctor is here Mom, let’s get you checked out.”
you said your mother isn’t upfront about her ailments. SHE CAN’T POSSIBLY KNOW WHAT AILMENTS SHE HAS.
she needs a blood test, etc.
she might have many illnesses: some might be easily curable with a doctor.
it’s not possible for you to do caregiving correctly without a nurse, doctor, etc.
It's all very well - our good intentions for BB to find his way etc..
But this lady needs a health check-up. Let some Professionals get involved.
Thankyou BOJ for bringing this back to priority no 1.
I asked why. He wanted to see somewhere different. Meet different people. Be challenged having to think about every day, obtaining food, using transport, finding accommodation.
Now Russia may not be the ideal destination for many... 😜
Bob, where & what would you like to see or do?
Temples in Japan?
Bahamas?
Scottish Castles?
A cafe in the next county?
another point.
regarding choosing a career path (for example, you said your parents were teachers; you don’t want to be a teacher.)
you wrote, “it's an example of the child doing the opposite of the parent. Kids will either imitate them or do the opposite.”
i can understand that. but you realize OP, at the moment you’re not “doing the opposite”. you’re choosing no career at all - not now, nor for the future.
in no reply do you say:
“what i really want to do as a job is X, after caregiving ends. in order to do X, i’ll have to do a, b, c. i have already taken the 1st step, by at least knowing the DIRECTION i want to head towards. i know what i DON’T want to do as a job. i also know what i WANT to do as a job.”
—
IF YOU DON’T PLAN, YOU’LL FALL INTO SOMEONE ELSE’S PLAN. in fact, that’s exactly what’s happening to you right now.
down below, you replied:
“caregiving has to end first” before you can look for a job.
you have the wrong approach OP. hug!!
your reply is incorrect. you don’t need to wait. you can search now. you can even accept a tiny job with very few hours, as a 1st step.
you can also just start aiming at your dream job. take steps. thinking about it. (not a single reply of yours shows what you’d like to aim at, if you could. if you had no caregiving.) (no vision of your dreams/goals).
on the contrary, your PLAN is to wait till it ends. in that case…
your mother most likely will live (i wish her to live long and happily), many years. let’s say, as an example, 20 more years.
you’ll be 50.
you really don’t want to look for a job before you’re 50? imagine really, the caregiving ends when you’re 50.
the problem is:
you don’t have any ambition.
if you have a burning ambition, dream, you’ll do what you need to do, to make it happen.
i don't understand you.
i wish you well. i also have some things i want to say to you:
Point 1.
you said:
"Her needs and ridiculously slow recovery are why I can't work."
my comment is not about work. it's about how you care for your mother:
i don't understand your approach to caring for her. if i understood right, your mother hasn't seen a doctor for 5 years.
how can you possibly take care of her? you say, "her needs and ridiculously slow recovery" ----- but YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON MEDICALLY, with your mother. you HAVE NO IDEA if it's "recovery" that's the problem, or some new, additional major problem ---- she hasn't seen a doctor in 5 years -- she also hasn't had a blood test, or any test in 5 years?
there is no way i can care for my parents without them seeing a doctor. my parents' doctors helped them recover from all sorts of things. (if in the future, my parents never want to see a doctor again, that's a different matter).
but i'm referring to your DIAGNOSIS of your mother's situation:
"her needs and ridiculously slow recovery".
you shouldn't be saying that.
you should be saying:
"I, blickbob, have NO IDEA what my mother's health is going through because she hasn't seen a doctor in 5 years. So be it. That's what she wants. I'm helping her - but blindly - because I have no idea what I'm helping her with. I might even be making things worse, since I have no idea what's wrong with her body. I'm just using my gut instincts to help her. My mother appears to have a sound mind, but I can't be sure about that either, since she hasn't seen a doctor in 5 years. So I might be following her wishes, and her wishes might be mentally-off. For example, maybe she's deeply depressed; depressed people don't make wise decisions."
Point 2.
this comment has to do with work.
i asked you please to disprove me.
Plus, she isn't always up front with all the ailments and chemo side effects she has. She does it not to worry me, but that doesn't bother me. What bothers me is her telling everyone she knows that she's getting better and stronger and then something comes up that contradicts that claim.
I'd rather know for certain everything isn't well rather than be lead to believe everything is well and then see something pop up and her body tells me "just kidding, things aren't better."
I was sucked into caregiving duties. I didn't have a choice. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Had her body started to age and fall apart long after I left the nest, hopefully it's a different story for me. She never got anyone else. She tells people that without me, she's in the nursing home. What I've had to experience is why most men aren't in nursing-related fields. They don't have the desire or interest and that's the case with me.
As with teaching, I never had any interest in it. Both my parents were teachers and I heard all sorts of horror stories. Plus, it's an example of the child doing the opposite of the parent. Kids will either imitate them or do the opposite.
If you could have any job what would your dream job be?
Some people are a lost cause.
Some people have to hit the bottom before they make changes.
Some people hit the bottom and start digging.
Because I am doing that if I am off base or making a comment that you have previously replied to forgive me.
You seem to have a LOT of excuses, please note that I did not say reasons and I do believe there is a difference, for your "problem"
Do you WANT to find work?
I can not believe that your mother NEEDS you 24/7/365.
there are ways to get help if she needs it that does not mean a "Nursing Home".
You are an adult. Act like one.
YOU are making the choices you are making. No one is forcing you to stay home and..other than driving mother to chemo you do not mention what you are doing for her.
You may have to go back to school to become current in whatever you field was/is. You do not mention what your degree is/was but I can assure you that things have changed.
You can start that NOW, on line.
Most Community Colleges, traditional Colleges and University institutions all have job placement help if it is needed. And depending on your chosen field there are recruiters waiting in line to hire MOTIVATED people.
Stop with the EXCUSES and get on with your life. Unless you want to be one of the people that never left home, will remain in the house you lived in for your entire life and may still be wondering why at the age of 75 you could not find a job.
OK, I did go back and read about 99% of the responses and your comments.
I stand by my statement you have a LOT of excuses.
so I am going to answer your main question("what are the chances of me finding work once caregiving ends") with this....
0%
You do not seem to want to find a job.
To use a paraphrase Sir William Shakespeare..
"The gentleman doth protest too much, methinks."
Since you have not been motivated to change I can only assume that you are happy with the status quo. Your protests are a cover and you are deluding yourself.
If you truly want change you have to change.
And I am with gladimhere and I am also exiting the dance floor. This party is over!
And look at all the attention he's getting from people who are trying to help, for someone who doesn't seem to want anything but justification for remaining where he is.
Blame shifting isn't successful.
" I want off this dance floor so bad, but if I get off, my mom will make me get back on. She's the type that doesn't mess around."
What does that mean, doesn't mess around?
She's going to beat you up?
Cry?
Call the cops?
What power does she have, except the power you've ceded to her?
AND you are putting your life on hold because she "becomes emotional" when someone (I assume you) suggests that she should do something, anything, to improve her condition.
Do you have health insurance, Bob?
Bob's *mother's* understanding is neither here nor there. It is Bob's use of his mother's needs as a paper tiger barring his entry to the adult world that's the problem.
I have begun to wonder what happened earlier on, when his parents separated. One sibling seems to have coped. Bob, not so well.
Well that would be nice - for you - if she understood (& then released you). But it is not really essential to HER.
I think you are are waiting for permission to make changes.
Let me tell you a story... 🍿
I sat in after school detention once (well, more than once truth be told..). I had finished my assigned work & was bored. I looked around. Everyone waiting to be released.
I thought.. if I asked if I could leave politely, well, what was the the worst that could happen? The teacher would say no? Thought some more.
So I took a risk. I said "I'm ready to leave now". In a confident manner. The supervising teacher looked at me, sized me up, said "OK you may leave".
have a nice weekend!! :)
your question is:
"What are the chances of me finding work once caregiving ends?"
here's the answer:
none.
your chances are zero, zip, zilch, nada!
NOW GO OUT THERE AND PROVE ME WRONG.
Big Sister had to write...there a few things going on here. First of all the best time to look for a job is when you have one. Basically, even if at the present time if you are not working, volunteer for anything today. Perhaps at the library since you spent a lot of time there.
It's sounds better on an interview even if it's "unpaid employment". I am in my 50's. I am from a different generation. I worked full-time and attended college full-time. I have had many jobs in my lifetime that I did not not like but the rent was due, I wanted to eat, the car insurance was due and I wanted to color my hair.
You can word your Caregiver Responsibilities as a job: Just go on any VNA website and look at their job description. Perhaps, you could ask some of your mother's docs for a reference letter.
You have options, you are NOT stuck. But it's like exercising once you stop your muscles atrophy.
Bottom line: Sometimes in life we have to take a "survival job". It will get you dressed up and out of the house. Right now, the job market is better than ever. Even lower level jobs are paying a lot. You certainly have worked hard as a caregiver but you are only 30. We may not have your total story BUT you obviously are bright with doing papers and completing college but don't undersell yourself.
If you a Caregiver you are punctual, meet deadlines, plan a schedule, expedite paperwork, have a structured routine, never take a sick day and never sleep in.
When you came back home after College you must have lived somewhere--I assume you mean in your parents' home? Did you pay board? I paid for my college, my dad died suddenly when I was in Grad School and I paid board from 18+ years on. I even paid for 1/2 of my high school and I couldn't drive until I could afford to pay for my own car insurance. I have been working since I was 15 years old. Necessity puts you in a different category. If you can open the fridge and there is food there and there is no heat and electric bill to pay I wouldn't get too comfortable. You don't want to remain where you are at 40.
Decide where you would like to work and go after it. REJECTION is part of the job search. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again.
The millennials are different than my generation. They want to be entertained going to work and promoted after six months. I have 10 nieces and nephews.
They have "flipflop Friday" at work, dress down, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Popcorn machine, ping pong tables at work, etc. When I went to work way back in the 80's I kept an extra pair of nylons in my pocketbook and called all of my bosses by "Mr. So & So". It's a different era.
You are only 30 the whole world is yours. You could even apply for a Master's program, get paid for living expenses and work as a tutor.
Some Resources: I worked as an Academic Advisor when I was in Grad School many years ago. Your College alma mater usually has a Career Placement Office and also an Alumni Office. These are both great contacts. Go to some of their events and give them your 30-second commercial. Volunteer with your area Alumni Club. Give them the short version, what you went to school for, mother took sick (but tell them all of the responsible things you have done) and you're ready for the next phase of your life.
Maybe apply to Graduate School. Or, if you like research papers, apply to get a Ph.D. You shouldn't have to pay for your Graduate School--I didn't. This way here you won't incur any debt.
When you graduate from College, the real world is not the same. You want utilities in your name. This is America, people from all over the world would risk their life to come and to seek the opportunities we may sometimes take for granted.
Even if you were/are disabled. I'm not sure from what you have written. You can still work. You have gifts. You want contribute and get paid but you have to be realistic. You
I would say it is a grave mistake to not address your OWN life at the cost of throwing yourself on the altar of caring for family. You are at the age where the prime imperative is to get on with your life. Caring for family can become an excuse not to move out into the world.
Your parent care is really on them to plan for the best they can. It isn't a good thing that they have allowed you to give up your life and move in as a full time caregiver. The known path, even when it is a path that leads nowhere, is the path we tend to stay on. It is difficult to pay attention to the signs and choose a LESS KNOWN path that leads to a full life.
You already know, and really have kind of let us know that you know, that this isn't good for your job history moving forward. That said, anxiety is made of living in the past and in the future and not living for today. For today it is time to begin to discuss with your parents their plan moving forward, and time to tell them you cannot sacrifice your life to them.
I absolutely agree with BurntCaregiver that this is not an issue of your Mom's illness and needs (which is not even mentioned--her age? her diagnosis? her prognosis). This is about you, your choices. You have also not told us what your college degree is FOR/IN. That will make all the difference in the world for whether there are jobs for you out here, and how much they pay, and whether you will be hired. Some jobs are now in such dire straits for not having any workers that they couldn't care LESS what you did with the last two decades.
What you discuss here is not a one-issue pony. This is interwoven and there are many facets here. I would seek professional help on this subject specifically. Your need to have a life and the ways of moving forward. They will not be easy. There will be tears, your Mom's and your own. That's fine. This is worth crying over. But it is an issue that still must be addressed.
You need to find help for Mom. She is too dependent on you and she needs to understand, you must work. You need to get those wage credits so you get a decent Social Security check. Lets say you start collecting SS at 65. SS goes back, I think, only 35 years when looking at earnings. So now is the time to get that job.
Is Mom considered low income? Call your local Office of Aging and ask if they can evaluate Mom for you. Have them look at your home and see if there are things that can be done to make things easier for Mom. Maybe her doctor can order "in home" therapy to help determine Moms strong points and weak points. Maybe she can apply for "in home" Medicaid. She would get an aide, maybe not all day, but for enough time to help her. I bet if you can get Mom evaluated she is more capable than either of you think. Transportation, she can use the Senior bus.
At this point I would not try finding a job in what you majored in. Maybe a 2nd shift may be better for you a day shift. You need to make that first step. It really isn't what Mom wants, its what you need. You need to work. You need to have a life away from Mom. She needs to allow other people than you to help her.
So your first step is to call Office of Aging and find out what resources you can take advantage of. Call her PCP and ask for an order for in home therapy. (Medicare should pay for this) (if an aide is offered take it) When you find out what level of care Mom needs, you can go from there. Take any job you can find. You need to get out of that house. I will bet if Mom is left to her own devices, she will have to do for herself because she has to.
When you get your ducks in a row you need a good sit down with Mom. You tell her you MUST find a job because your future is being jeopardized caring for her. She MUST allow aides to come in and care for her because you are GOING to find a job. She will need to do more for herself than she does. Because if she continues like she is, you may have to place her in LTC because you physically will not be able to care for her. You deserve a life away from the house.
My Mom waited on my Dad hand and foot. There was not much she didn't do for him. He was literally, King of his Castle. My sister contracted a very aggressive cancer that the treatments were so bad she could not work for 8 months. Since she had a 6yr old, Mom went down to help her, 2 hrs away. I got my Dad. I did not need to be there everyday all day but I made sure he was fed and cleaned up after him. An Uncle stopped by. Surprisingly, Dad did very well alone. He was doing things for himself that otherwise he would have Mom doing. My Dad was 68. He had been on disability for heart since 52.
A friend of ours has a business. He wife died a few years back. He took over the care of his MIL who lived with them. He got her up in the morning and ready for the day. He sat her in her recliner with a table next to her of snacks, water, phone and TV remote. His business was local and not far from the house. Lunchtime he went home and fixed them lunch got her all comfy and went back to work. I would think family and friends dropped by. But, it worked for him and her. You do what you got to do.
Until you find a job and try it, you will never know what Mom is capable of. And you can't give in too early. She needs to realize there are things she needs to do for herself. If she didn't have you, she would be doing it herself or in a facility.
I do sympathize with you when it comes to College and working too. I would not be able to do it either. I would have needed to put my energy into my studies or they would have suffered.
I don't think your mother's illness and needs are the reason why you don't work. You say you had to "drop out of the workforce". You're very young and if you've been taking care of your mother for over a decade, you never really "dropped in" to the workforce.
Everyone starts at entry level. No one starts at the top. You're making excuses for why you don't work.
If you suffer from depression or mental illness, you may be unemployable. Even if you get a job, you may not be able to hold one for very long. From what you say here on the forum, I'm going to say that even if you get work you will find some fault and will sabotage it in some way or another to either get fired or find a reason to quit.
There are many people like you. My cousin for example. Many people have mental illness and are unable to hold down a job. You are not alone and it's not something to be ashamed of. Please get mental health care for yourself. At only 30 years old you are still young enough to get into a career. Don't wait. My cousin who never worked is now almost 60. He has 'aged out' for pretty much all employment including even the lowest wage entry level jobs. His father who has always supported him is elderly and won't live forever. He did help with the caregiving for his mother who had dementia for years and this is his excuse for never working. She passes away several years ago. His employment history should have started about 25 years or so ago before his mother needed caregiving. My cousin has been turned down time and time again for SSI. He will become homeless when his father passes unless a family member assumes responsibility for him or he gets approved for disability.
Don't let this happen to you especially if you have a college degree.
Family members and even paid caregivers can do for your mother.
I'm sure your mother would not want you to become like my cousin. She would not want to see you living in poverty on a small disability benefit (if you're fortunate enough to get approved). Or living a life of dependency on others with the threat of homelessness always looming on the horizon. Your mom wants better for you. You want and deserve better for yourself. Please seek out mental health care.
There's a big difference between an excuse and telling it like it is.
She does need to understand that the longer I'm stuck helping her, the more it hurts me in the long run. It hasn't hit her that the longer I have to forgo the start of my career, the more grim my long-term prospects are. She sometimes says "it's not what you know, it's who you know." Well, I know many, but that doesn't mean I'll get hired on the spot. All I can do is hope the worker shortage is still ongoing when she can go without me and hope someone with an open mind and big hearts hires me.
you said this
She's the one who needs to hear those things, not me. In all likelihood, she doesn't have a backup plan if something happens to me
Be a man, a good son, and do just that and stand up to her.
Sounds like she doesn’t want to put the effort in. My mom did just that .my mother got c diff in her mid seventies, almost died, life changing event. She didn’t want to put the effort in… I have many “I told you so’s for her” You have to let her ….as long as your doing for her , she won’t !
"She's the one who needs to hear those things, not me. In all likelihood, she doesn't have a backup plan if something happens to me."
Bob, you don't seem to understand. Your MOM is not the one who is going to initiate change. You need to be the one to change YOUR behavior.
I'm interested in the fact that your mom seemed to manage while you were in college, but suddenly in the summers, when you were at home, needed so much help that you were unable to take a job.
This is a dance--a dance of co-dependence that your two are doing. If one of you stops, the dance stops and your mother's steps will have to change.
But it's up to YOU to step off the dance floor.
and five years to recover from treatment is way off base.
I have been confined to a wheelchair for several months. I have rehabbed almost completely. I transfer from bed to chair, go to the bathroom by myself. Will be showering by myself after this week and will be staying in home alone by the end of June. I am an insulin dependent diabetic and on kidney dialysis 5 days a week. All of it is tiring but I get along. I don't need my adult son to hold my hand. He lives his own life and I live mine.
You and your mother both need to get up off your butts and quit talking about doing something and do it. The level of enmeshment between the two of you is not healthy.
But you have to take the first step and ask for help.