What can I do??? How can I have peace again?
I am in a very difficult situation with my Mother. She has always been a very narcissistic and manipulative women. We have never had a relationship, but I am her only living child left to provide her care and it's difficult. When I was 7 years old I was raped by a friend of my parents. When I told my Mom and Dad about the traumatic ordeal, my Father was ready to go after the man who sexually assaulted me, but my Mother said to my Father, how do you know that she is telling the truth? She also told me that I brought this on myself and that I deserved what happened to me. Well last night we had a heated discussion because we had a visit to her neurologist and we discussed long term care options that will be better for her to leave my home. She was irate and very defiant last night, refusing to take meds, wear her oxygen and go to bed. We got into a argument and my past was brought up about the above incident. She AGAIN blamed me for what happened when I WAS 7 years old. I was sexually assaulted several times throughout my childhood by bad seeds that my parents associated with, but I stopped telling my Mom because of the fear of her reaction. I want to cut ties with my Mom and move on with my life. I don't even consider her a Mother. I have lost all respect for this woman. She has never loved or cared for me the way a Mother should, the way that I am with each and everyone of my children. I had a brother who committed suicide at the age of 27, while living at home with my parents back in 1996. My Mother never supported my brother or helped with his depression. She could care less about her children. She was never there for me as I raised 4 children. My now grown children, never had the grandmom with my mom.
I am actually at the breaking point and have decided to place her in a long term care facility, but she is refusing to leave my home and I don't know what to do. In the past 3 weeks I have had to call 911 on her twice, but when the police and paramedics talked with her she was sweet as could be and told them that she in fact was the victim. They told me that they could not take her to the hospital against her will. I am praying that I will be able to get her out of our home, where we can all live in peace once again.
I agree with the advice here, place her in a home, it isn’t up for debate. You couldn’t stand up for yourself as a child, you can now.
If your Mother is diagnosed with dementia, then she is incapable of giving you POA at this time. If you go to an Elder Law Attorney you will be informed that if your Mother has no diagnosis of Alzheimer's, and if she is at all capable of making her own decisions you will not be able to win in a guardianship case. Without winning said case you have ZERO power. I believe in your other post you told us it was your intention to see an elder law attorney to discuss the accounts/taxes questions. Without winning a case for guardianship you would likely be on the hook for about 10,000 for court costs for your Mom's lawyer, which would be provided to her, and your own costs.
If I understand correctly your Mother abused you throughout your life. You have a therapist to help you with that. Your Mother was invited into your home by you, and by your own choice because you love her. Your Mother has NO diagnosis of Alzheimer's or other dementia? Your mother does not want to give you any POA.
If the above is not true please let me know where I misunderstood you?
If it is true you have to answer one question for yourself. Do I wish my Mother to leave my home. If the answer is no, then on you go.
If the answer is yes, then you must first tell your Mother you want her to leave your home. You offer to help her find either placement in facility or an apartments nearby and assure her you will help her (with grocery shopping, appointments, whatever) out of love. You give her a time limit. Two months sounds right.
THEN, if your Mom will not leave you go to see a landlord/tenant lawyer. Rules vary widely. Your Mom would have a lot of rights in San Francisco. Other places, not as much. You go about proceedings to evict your Mother from your home.
These are the facts unless I am missing something. Otherwise this situation will not only continue for you, it will gradually worsen as Mom's mental and physical capabilities get worse. There will be no upside for you. You will never hear the words you long to hear from her "You are a wonderful daughter and I don't know what I would do without you and I love you so much". That isn't your Mom. Never will be.
I sure do wish you the best. I hope that's a GOOD therapist you have. Some just listen and sympathize, which is a good sounding board but doesn't shake one up enough to act in one's own best interests to move out of habitual ways of life.
Good luck moving forward.
Older post:
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/i-have-a-financial-question-about-taxes-can-i-claim-this-on-my-tax-return-472793.htm
From what you say, you have been a martyr by trying to do the right thing (like so many abused children turned adults) and taking care of a biological parent. Stop. Now. All of it. If Mommy Dearest can take care of her self let her. You will feel better about kicking her out. If she can't then you call for outside intervention and tell them you can no longer care for her. Out she goes.
Get help to get out from under this burden. Let your family who you love and who love you help you. Be honest with them. Do what they tell you. They are suffering through this too.
What kind of caregiving do you provide? How many hours/day?
What does your therapist say about moving her out of your home? Is he/she helping you achieve that goal?
In light of the past abuse, I would say you have no responsibility towards this woman at all. The next time she goes to the ER, tell them you can not take care of her. Then she will become THEIR problem to place somewhere.
In the interim you could contact social services for your county to see if she qualifies for some in-home care so she starts to get used to others taking care of her and giving you some distance and a break.
You do have the option of resigning your PoA. Depending on how advanced her dementia is, she won't be able to assign anyone else. You can allow the county to become her legal guardian and they will place her and manage all her medical and financial care. Again, contact social services to discuss.
Have you seen a therapist to work through the abuse and denial issue with your mother? This is very serious. You should consider that you have a dysfunctional co-dependent relationship with her. You need a wise and objective voice to help you put up boundaries to protect and restore yourself. We don't get to choose our families but as adults we get to choose how much we interact with them. You are not responsible for your mother's happiness. You have done more than she deserves to date. You do have options (and she won't like them but too bad). I'm so sorry for all your pain and suffering but you can work on that now with the choices you make moving forward. They will feel hard but there can be light at the end of this tunnel. May you receive healing and peace!
Also, its not unheard of to take her to the Emergency Room yourself without telling her where you are going. Once there, you tell them that you can no longer care for her in your home and it is unsafe. As someone else said " she needs 24 hour care and I can not do that." Then the SW at the hospital will eventually have to intervene. As someone who worked in the ER for many years, I used to despise when people would do this and I didn't understand why they would do this. Now I see why.
The “but it’s my mother!” stance means nothing when she was not your mother at all. She chose men over you. You will never get closure or a deathbed “I always loved you and I’m sorry I didn’t protect you.” She is cruel and mentally ill. There is no fixing or chance for reconciliation with these people.
A mother who lets her child be raped and never protected her is NOT a mother. Period. End of story. You don’t have to be her daughter. Change the script.
Please call Adult Protective Services and request a social worker to place Mom. Start videoing her behavior (baby cams?) so that you can prove her mental state.
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