I am 60 Mom is 85. Both of my other siblings died last August. I left my job and asked my fiance to give me a couple months to get this taken care of so Mom will be okay. Its now June. I'm stuck. I mean really stuck. Mom refuses to allow anyone in the house. She is not able to get herself to the bathroom or make meals. If I leave she will be alone, if I stay I will continue to resent her and the fact that I no longer have my own stability at my age. She even refuses to take a bath. Before my brothers both died they told me she hasn't been in the bath for a shower for over a year. She hasn't left the house in 7 years. The last time she was outside was over 5 years ago. Mom lives in Illinois and my home and my family is in Wisconsin. So what can I do without hurting Mom's health or me ending up charged with something?
I agree this falls under enabling, however, how does one just walk away from someone who can't walk, can't propel themselves, doesn't go out (groceries anyone?) and just state c'est la vie? I think OP has some possible avenues to explore, such as SW, Aging council, geriatric manager, EC attorney, etc., but these will all take time and may be dead ends.
Somehow this doc isn't getting the whole picture. Even if she passes the cognitive testing, is he not aware of her inability to walk, toilet, get out for supplies, etc? Bad choices is one thing, inability to care for oneself is a whole different issue!
"...we cannot force someone to do what they do NOT want to do."
"When that happens, you have to go into a facility. No choice."
If her mother doesn't want aides or to move to a facility, would that not result in "forcing" her to do what she doesn't want to do?
I do agree with that first quote - we ran into this and were told explicitly by the EC atty that we could not force mom to move (she wouldn't let the aides in after a few weeks and refused to consider moving.) He suggested guardianship, but the facility we chose wouldn't accept committals - we had to punt and come up with a plausible fib (she does have dementia - not 100% certain about OP's mom, but in either case, you can't force this move.)
Although we have mom in AL/MC, not a NH, I would think the NH would have the same "rules" regarding force. Staff told me that they are NOT allowed to force ANY resident to do something they don't want to do. What they do instead is coax the person, sometimes getting compliance (meds would be most important, bathing *could* wait, medical treatment also would be important.)
Please do take care of you. A loving, healthy, mentally sound mother wouldn’t expect her daughter to give up her own life indefinitely like you have. It isn’t right.
What prevents your mother from getting to the bathroom and from preparing meals? - other than her unwillingness to do so, combined with your doing these things for her, I mean.
I'm very sorry to read of your family's losses. Do you mind my asking what happened to your brothers? And again, do you mind my asking what changed seven years ago that might have made your mother reluctant to leave her home?
One other thing we did, as we're in TX and she's in NJ, was to hire a geriatric case manager. She visited MIL a few times in the hospital and built a rapport. She also helped her 'make the decision on her own' that she couldn't go home again. She also helped her 'decide she didn't need to drive anymore' on her own. I say those tongue in cheek :-) She was very skilled, we got the decision we needed, and MIL retained the facade of control. Worth every penny.
Long answer, but occasionally you have to let nature run it's course, and live your life. It's hard to watch (we'd been asking her for 10 years to move), but....
Also, like someone else suggested, call the Agency on Aging. If she's not good at driving, report her to the DMV. You have to do what you need to do so you can sleep, but you also need to live your life. Good luck!
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