I am 60 Mom is 85. Both of my other siblings died last August. I left my job and asked my fiance to give me a couple months to get this taken care of so Mom will be okay. Its now June. I'm stuck. I mean really stuck. Mom refuses to allow anyone in the house. She is not able to get herself to the bathroom or make meals. If I leave she will be alone, if I stay I will continue to resent her and the fact that I no longer have my own stability at my age. She even refuses to take a bath. Before my brothers both died they told me she hasn't been in the bath for a shower for over a year. She hasn't left the house in 7 years. The last time she was outside was over 5 years ago. Mom lives in Illinois and my home and my family is in Wisconsin. So what can I do without hurting Mom's health or me ending up charged with something?
I wanted to say you are not the only one who has stepped in to help but found the needs were too deep - bottomless even. You've found yourself living your Mother's life but at 60 you have hopefully many decades to enjoy!
I know nothing about legal matters but am trying to learn so for 'fun' I have been reading my states Guardianship cases. They are available online (no names). Many many cases of elders wanting to remain in their home but unable to cope. Seemed mostly, the medical professional opinions held great weight. The court wants *least restrictive measure* first so evidence of this was sought. Eg if unable to cook/use bathroom unaided then home care was trialed. If this was refused/ they were locked out/the service quit due to unsafe working conditions, then an application for Guardionship was sought. Sometimes a concerned relative was the applicant, sometimes a hospital or nursing home. Neuro assessments were a requirement.
Has Mom had a recent medical assessment at all? Does her Doctor know her level of function?
Was one of your siblings living with her or close by for daily help?
Or was she alone but now that you've seen up close what's going on, your conscience says you can't leave her this way?
Last year she had two carers & could walk. This year, a temporary carer (you) & she can't walk. That's a big change.
*Mother can't look after herself*. That's the problem.
I would book that Doctor (who she lets in) for a home visit. Let the Doctor see her in her own environment. Explain her problem - note *Mother's problem*. Explain you live in Wisconsin. That you are with your Mother TEMPORARILY & will be returning home. Go from there.
What would Mother prefer - a nursing home in Illinois or Wisconsin near you?
Many things someone with dementia make no sense & they won’t remember what they said 5 min later. My mother just told me I’m old enough to move out...(Im 60) ..I told her my job now is taking care of you...she said she can take care of herself..( she can’t walk or stand, incontinent, & don’t remember her or my name at times...& she sometimes gets violent).
Hugs 🤗