I don't even know where to begin. I'm a mom with 4 wonderful children of my own. I guess to sum it up my mom continues (from early childhood in which I had some other abuse) to treat me horribly and refuses other caregiving help of which I'm doing appx 80%. She can (selectively) barely walk or see, has selective hearing/memory, and hallucinations. She refuses to use her walker or take her Drs advice. Now she stubbornly insisted on doing something I begged her not to and broke her left arm. 3 moth recovery time! Now she can't sit from laying, stand, or walk. She went for surgery and got discharged again, refusing (possibly Drs coerced) any follow up care help. I re-injured myself while lifting her to the toilet yesterday. I quit my 80+ hr/wk job over a yr ago to find something better and instead got all this! In the last year she broke her hip falling, had shingles, shoulder fall, ER leg swelling, now arm. All these required extensive caregiving from me. Which I've been doing all voluntary. It's been financially necessary for me to work for months now. To which she says, "and yet you haven't even looked for another job"!?!? Curiously she miraculously always does better with others, so they don't even realize she is needing way more care. I'm at my wits end but unfortunately another family member isn't at that point due to all her miraculous recovery, praise and "poor me" routines with them. So, I can't just get her into a nursing home. Of course, there's lots more. Lots of hate spews out of her mouth at me whenever I try to have a logical convo (aka "argument") with her to solve her complaints or even discuss anything needful. Also, even when she was more cognizant last year, I asked her to PLEASE just have breakfast alone and let me sleep a little longer. I have a LOT of trouble getting bare minimum sleep. She wakes me up every day since that at 6:30am, always insisting "but you asked me to"! Not a match.
Please, does anyone have any suggestions?
I’m sure that we can give you a lot of useful suggestions to think about, but more information is needed. It's all anonymous, so don't worry about getting personal. These things really do make a difference to your options, even though you are concentrating now on M's personal habits. Welcome to the site, and come back, please! Yours, Margaret
Thank you for responding!
As we say a lot around here, caregiving needs to work for both parties. Obviously this isn’t working for you anymore (if caring for an abusive parent ever does “work”.)
What will you do if you seriously injure yourself? And who is the family member only doing like 20% (in contrast to your 80%) yet able to veto a change of plan?
I hope you will give us more info. We all learn from each other, for sure. 😊
Thank you for your response!
MargaretMcKen 89 and 48. M lives at her home and my children and I live in our own house. I live closest to her in the family. I do stay at her's during all these care intervals but it hasn't been every day all year.
Get your mom into AL and take your life back.
Step away from helping your Mom. Stop being her solution. Don't answer he calls (tell her if she's having a health crisis to call 911. If she falls, she calls 911). Don't clean her house, shop for her, or anything else. Point her to social services, tell her to call her local Area Agency on Aging, her local Senior Center, her friends, or other family members who don't have kids and don't need to work. Get a job, protect yourself and your own family and your futures, which is your #1 priority, not your Mom. She is a grown woman who is actually capable of making decisions and getting things done for herself. She will whine. She'll complain. She'll be so very angry. She'll make threats. Ignore all of it. Change the subject and the minute she spews anything that isn't loving and respectful, hang up or leave.
She can't abuse you if you don't allow it. You are in control, not her.
"She's undiagnosed with anything so far. No matter physical, mental or psychological. She may remain undiagnosed to the end for whatever reason. But the more I read through comments and study other sources, I see that her behavior checks many boxes for Dementia/Alzheimer's and Narcissism. This has been a sad, frustrating and very very confusing last few years being so close to my parents again since I moved closer. My Dad passed away 2 years ago. He didn't have any of the same mental or psychological things going on that my Mother does. Meanwhile I'm not sure what I'll be facing next with her day to day"
You took all this on. You VOLUNTEERED.
And you took it on knowing you had to work, and knowing you have four dependent children who need your attention.
To my mind it is your children who will suffer most here.
Your mother is abusive.
She shouldn't be overmuch in your life at all, and I think your children would be much better off without her in THEIR lives.
She has no dementia. Stay out of her life. Keep her out of yours. When she has no caregivers then she will go into the care she needs, whether on her own speed or with the help of the state who cannot discharge her from her broken-bone forays without a caregiver (see to it that caregiver is NOT you).
I have tried to read through your note to us several times and find I still cannot figure out just where you mom lives?
Please tell me that she doesn't live with YOU; and please never take her in.
Clearly your mother is making her own decisions. Eventually she will end in rehab and placement whether she likes it or not UNLESS you interfer in that process by taking on the care, as you currently are/have been doing.
The position you find yourself in is not the fault of your mother. It is something that you yourself chose. To me, and I hope this doesn't sound to brutal, it is time to choose your children so that this legacy of abusive entitlement isn't played forward generationally.
You are a grownup now. You are not a child to obey a parent's rules. You are responsible for your children now, not to an abusive mother.
Please don't accept POA for this woman. Allow the state to do her the honors.
My suggestion would be that you get some psychological counseling for yourself.
Your mother has had her life. She may have many years of life left, and they should be in her control. She will end where most who spew hatred end--in the paid care of decent people. If she refuses help then she refuses help.
You tell us that this woman spews hate upon you. YOU, who are RESPONSIBLE to FOUR CHILDREN, have allowed yourself to be injured by someone who spews hatred upon you.
THAT IS A CHOICE. And it's a very bad one indeed.
Others on AC feel that sympathy and support is what we on the Forum should provide. I myself think that often a good shaking will do more. People need to THINK about what they are doing. They need to UNDERSTAND they are responsible grownups.
Please. This is perhaps more than you can handle alone. Get counseling help for yourself before you harm both yourself and your family for someone intent on spewing hatred on this world.
Tears but you are right, I totally let this happen myself and need to work on and change some things with me and my involvement in the situation.
We don't live with her which is good, just not far from her home. My children have pretty limited time with Grandma right now. Lots going on in their own lives. And we lived far away for a long time. I will definitely be lessoning my involvement in her care and getting a job asap now. Thank you!
Especially if a parent elects to do a surgery but then NOT do the followups and recovery, I think should give you a good excuse to refuse to try to make up for it with your trying to lift her etc etc.
This could be a good opportunity for you to step away . I'm not sure the level of understanding or dementia of your mother from the description, but her not following doctors instructions after injury / surgery leading to more problems and then risk of injury to you in trying to lift/help her should be a reason to absolutely draw a line in the sand on that.
overinvolvement.
Kassy, what plan do you have or what steps will you take NOW to stop catering to your mother? And focusing on the ones that truly matter: yourself and your kids?
She keeps hurting you because she knows that no matter how cruel she is to you, you’ll rush to her aid and do everything she wants. You’re a joke to her and she loves hurting you.
There is no “but it’s my mother!” when it’s obvious she doesn’t love or appreciate you. Your kids come first. They have to. You don’t want them growing up seeing you care for your abusive mother and disregarding them.
I believe you agree with the advice given here, but what will you DO with it?
You are so right about some of us saying, “but, it’s my mother!” I fell into this category for far too long.
Is this a limitation you've put on yourself or that a family member has put on you? Because you mention that she can barely walk or see, has selective hearing/memory, and hallucinations. She refuses to use her walker or follow doctors' advice, and she has a broken left arm. She can't sit by herself (I think you mean from standing position she can't sit down). I don't understand how or why she shouldn't go into a care facility immediately so that her needs are addressed by someone other than you.
If you quit, she goes. If you send her to the ER, and you refuse to be responsible for her, the hospital will find a placement for her. That would be the simplest way to get her out from under your care. Your children need you. A job is necessary. Putting your cranky, mean, rude, selfish, narcissistic, uncooperative, demented and very sick mother first isn't okay. EVER.
Life is full of tough choices, and this is one of them. I wish you luck in moving on from her cruelty to you (and that's what this is).
PS Don't bother to convo or argue with her. It doesn't work with dementia, and from what you tell us, that's almost certainly what's at play.
Call your County Area of Aging . Tell them you can no longer care for your mother. They will come out and do a needs assessment . Does not matter what the other family member says.
If you have POA have a place picked out already . Perhaps the Agency for Aging will assist with placing her . That was the plan to get my Mom out of the house and placed. However , Mom ended up in the hospital , then she was placed from there .
If you don’t have POA, don’t take it on . Call APS and report that she can not care for herself and you can no longer do it .
If Mom ends up in the hospital or rehab you tell them she lives alone and you can’t help her anymore and she needs to be placed.
It doesn’t matter if it’s our mom, at some point, we must realize that we are equally as important as our moms. Our needs matter just as much as theirs.
Do you have POA? Are her paperwork affairs in order? POA - financial and healthcare, will, living will, etc.? If she is still competent, she can take care of these but if not that ship has sailed. If you have POA, start looking for a placement and get her name on the list, fill out the applications and get it done.
Here's where it's at, the good progress:
I set 2 Boundaries so far:
1. I can not help in the physical care and recoveries like I have been.
2. Since I'm looking for work, I can not do the amount of checking in etc that I have been.
I had to tell my Brother about 10 times for him to hear me. Then He asked if my kids could take a few shifts. I politely said no (I won't ask them to!). He said he can be with her 5 days a week during recovery. Also Mom and he agreed to bring in at-home care 2 days/wk early am and late pm to dress/toilet etc. The heavy stuff. Assume they want me there rest of those 2 days. But I'm not offering.
I will be taking a job as soon as I find one, ASAP. Hopefully the coming week.
Mom said "she wants written proof that I'm applying for jobs, since I haven't been even been looking for one. And not one with your friends, I don't like or trust them." I told her "a job is my business".
I get NO compensation for the care I provide her, so don't know why she wants proof. And I don't have time to even have friends lol.
I'll post more as I can.
Now it is to stick to them.
Indeed, whatever reason you aren't there for your mother is none of her business and she needs to be told that.
It is time to take care of yourself.
I congratulate you. Truly I congratulate you on this. While you may backslide a bit when they get at you just remember to EMBRACE your LIMITATIONS. If they want to BLAME you then let them, but let them know it will change nothing, and in fact will likely result in your helping less, not more.
YOU HAVE GOT THIS.
Thank you for your open responsiveness to us.
I hope you will remain on Forum and help others with all you learn as you go.
Thursday Mom's Surgeons office said he had recommended a Nursing Home for aftercare. But someone in our family refused it. Neither I or my Brother did. (Mom must have). Nothing they can do to change it now. Same with Primary Dr.
Friday a care facility Admissions director told me "If it were her Mom, she'd take her right now to ER and tell them she lives alone and it's not a safe place for her to recover." Said her Insurance should cover it. I told my Brother right away, he liked the idea. But Mom refused it "something sounds off about that" and he supported her desire to stay at home. She said to me "Did you get what you wanted? You can leave now".
Sunday my Brother called me to stay 1/2 day with her. I told him she had said I'm "verbally abusive", which concerns me. She won't tolerate any ideas, concerns or boundaries from me. So I've quit on voicing stuff.
Monday we met with at-home care company. Non-skilled care for $33/hr.
They're thinking about 4hrs/wk of that for now.
I'm still working on getting work and being way less available. I'll have to stick to my boundaries. She's been sweet as pie to everyone, and speaking very little to me.
It's too bad things are like this, and I feel bad for my Brother's confusion. But he'll have to see for himself and will hopefully respect my boundaries more and more.
Thanks to all of you, again I really do appreciate all the responses, shared experiences and tips!!
I know this stuff is unpleasant to hear, but in a way perhaps a good thing for now. Fine! step away for a bit....
If Mom is again in the hospital, make sure you speak to a Social Worker and explain that if Rehab is recommended that she needs to take it because she lives alone and there is no one there to care for her. Explain that you have taken time off to care for her but almost injured yourself to the point that you would not have have been able to work in your profession. You now must work you have 4 kids at home to support.
I just came back from a visit with a 95 and 93 year old Aunt and Uncle. They have no children and are both the babies in their family so the only ones left. They chose years ago to move 900 miles from any family. My in-laws moved down later but they were 8 yrs older and passed. (Aunt and MIL were sisters. They live independently but in a care community. He had a fall, so I see AL in their future. But they have done well on their own and I think its because they have no children. Only each other to rely on. My BIL lives 7 hrs away, where we live 15 and other brother 12. He is their POA. But, they have not asked anything of him, but know he is their if they need him.
So Mom can do for herself if she needs to. Really though, maybe time for an AL.
My Dad passed away in a nursing home at 93 during a COVID lockdown. Heartbreaking. But he was strong, doing what he always loved and could by being kind residents and workers. His mind was intact. I'm glad your Aunt and Uncle are doing well for that age!
Lol I asked the hospital before she was released to send a social worker, but never saw one. And called the dept on aging, but she was released before they called back. I'm considering calling an ambulance next time she falls and letting the hospital take it from there. However she is still her own POA until my brother is "activated". So this scenario may repeat. I do support her living independently as long as she's able to, but On her Own.
The longer you put up with her, the harder it will be. Tell her you can’t help her anymore and that the “others” will take over for you. Then be strong and let the “others” do what they will.
Yes. You. Can.
First, count yourself lucky that you have a brother. It sounds like he is supportive of you.
Then find another place that will house just you and your immediate family, no space for Mom and no space for visitors. Move out of your Mom's place. This is a biggie because should she be offensive to you, tell her that you are leaving and going back home....and go. No more idle threats, just do what you said you said you are going to do. You need that space to just decompress. You need that space so that you can recuperate from the the daily stress of life.
The next time she lands in the hospital, tell them that she is being discharged to a place that does not have anyone to help her. The fact that you have a separate address will reinforce that.
Do not feel any guilt. Think of it as survival mode.
She can learn new ways, only if she wants to and has to. My Mom with mid-dementia still learned new behaviors to the day she was bedridden. If you don't change your behaviors, then there is no reason for her to change hers. Tough love.
you need to set boundaries of what you will / will not do.
you get caregivers in there whether she agrees or not.
you stop doing 80% of the work - with four children.
you understand that the abuse you suffered has affected you - and how you relate to your mom / your behavior towards her now (i.e., giving your personal power away to her). you are knocking your head against the wall ... you need to STOP. And, to stop, you need to be aware of what you are doing - and 'the' why. you are on automatic behavior which may have been going on your entire life.
if you need support, get a therapist. how you interact with your mom (i.e., setting boundaries, learning how to be BOTH compassionate and setting boundaries) will influence how your children learn / from you. you want them to grow up now - being whole little people - with self esteem and knowing that they can say 'no' when needed. your behavior will affect them and their development.
if you do not change, you will suffer, not help her at all, and not be there for your own children('s needs ... they need their mother - YOU).
your responsibilities are to your four children / husband (?)
you must take care of yourself first.
learn to do what you can and then let go. after you are clear on your priorities.
When you take back your personal power (develop more self-worth-esteem), you do what your mom needs 'to the best of your ability' and then you (realize that you need to) let go ... and perhaps let God.
This isn't easy. it is hard inner work. it is essential to a quality life. And you have your hands very full with your kids. you need all the energy and inner peace you can create / find.
Gena / Touch Matters
BOUNDARIES are great!
TIME-OUTS have been working well too! Anytime she starts getting mean, I simply leave the room without saying a word. When I come back in things are better. Once I had to leave the house, said I'd be back later. Worked like a charm!
I had to accept there's nothing I can do to keep her from falling, even when I'm right in the house with her. She's extremely stubborn and has the right to make her own choices. And she has fallen 2 more times when I wasn't there.
Also seeing the need to prioritize NEEDS, and not just baby her. So that she can heal and do things for herself more and more again. I do tend be a "helper", jumping right in to "help", and "solve problems" with ideas/solutions so it's difficult for me to just watch this unfold for her. Stepping back....
You are a dream poster!
It is really helpful when posters participate in their own “recovery”…
I just saw your thread today and you have really shown how effective a few well chosen words and actions can be. In less than one month’s time you have figured out how to take back a large portion of your life. Your actions are the greatest gift to your children and your brother and even your mom.
I had to laugh out loud when I saw that your mom wanted proof. That’s a new one. And that’s my wish for you. To laugh out loud when she is ridiculous. Not in a mean way but in a way that shows you are over her and her bullying ways. Find a way to laugh instead of cry. Won’t happen overnight…well, you are a fast learner so it might. And it will come in handy when you start hearing the gossip about how awful you are to your mom.
Laughter is a great tonic. I took a lesson onetime from a professional laugher. She had a large group of us laughing. It is contagious and you can do it right now. Just laugh. The more you do it, the easier it is. Feels good. Put it on your to do list.
If you are the person who takes her to doctor appointments, make sure they work for you. I had requirements on when I took someone on appointments. I made them to fit my schedule. My phone number was the one they had on file in case of cancellations etc. Now don’t do that if you plan to stop this portion as well. Truly she should get herself to them if she is going to make all the decisions. Your name should be on the HIPPA release. You can call to check if you don’t already know. If you are not going to manage the care, then brother should take her. He may decide he doesn’t want to be POA when he sees what he is up against.
Please keep in touch and let us know how things are going. Good luck on the job search.
I would strongly urge you to look around for some adult daycare centers. We had several issues with my mother along the same lines you are experiencing. We are fortunate to have a local The PACE Place here (Program of All-Inclusive Care for the Elderly). My mother goes from 9 - 3, Monday through Friday. They come to get her and bring her home. They schedule all her doctor appointments and take her to them (we can go as well, just meet them there). She gets breakfast, lunch, and a snack before she comes home. Everything is paid by her Medicaid and Medicare benefits. This was a huge step in taking our lives back. Even if you can find an Adult Day Care that will entertain her for a few hours every day, you will be amazed at how much of your life is returned.
She's happy at PACE, she has friends her age and she's doing better than some of them and worse than others, but she's found a daily routine that makes her much more manageable for us. We no longer have daily health complaints, much less poo-talking, and she's up and moving around a few hours. They even do her PT and OT on-site. If you have a PACE there, you should check it out. PACE has given us a lot of our lives back!
If you want to see if you have a local PACE Place, here is the link to search:
https://www.npaonline.org/find-a-pace-program#:~:text=Find%20a%20PACE%20Program%20Near,and%20the%20District%20of%20Columbia.
- My Mom went into a wonderful AL!
She had fallen an 8th time since her surgery, and it was agreed that she could no longer care for herself living alone. (Whole Family is now Burned Out!)
This fall she didn't know who she was, or anyone else- but no head injury and no UTI. Just delusions and hallucinations. ER Dr said that she does have Dementia-noted two times prior in her chart ..... would have been helpful to know before....but Thankfully he activated POA now and didn't want her to go home and just keep falling.
She's fluctuating between a good day and a few bad mean days. Making many demands, never anything good enough. Same ol same ol. Has found at least one RN to pick on there, smh. I can't stand that kind of bullying. So I'm being extra nice to that RN, poor lady! The whole staff is Wonderful and are going way above and beyond AL level care so far. Absolutely NO Reason to be nit-picky! She'll begin physical therapy soon also, and hopefully settle in.
This is such a relief. But there is sadness too. Loss for all of us. It's a strange mix of feelings. And much work ahead emptying the Family Home, still managing her care, whims and moods.