My mom and I took care of my father diagnosed with dementia for many years. He died last month at 91 and now my mom who is very close to me called and said “I spoke to my attorney and you don’t need to come today or ever again”. She does not have an attorney and was happy I was coming to stay the night the day before. I have stayed away for 3 days and she has not called. She cannot drive and needs help with medications, grocery shopping etc. I don’t know what to do? I just lost my dad and this adds another layer of stress on the sadness and stress I’m already feeling.
I would go through with your plans to be with her.
Pprepare yourself to be strong, for her.
After his death, my mother refuse to talk to us, threatened to sue me and did, was mean and nasty. When I think back I believe that her dementia caused a great deal of her unpleasant behavior.
My siblings and I eventually went to court upon the advice of my mother's long time CPA and physician and took over her affairs and guardianship. She is now in a facility under memory care, is not even aware of who we are now or where she is. We visit her once a month mainly out of obligation and to make sure she is being well cared for. My brothers resigned as guardians and I alone remain her sole guardian, trustee and POA. I take care of all her business and caregiving affairs.
Life is strange sometimes and we just accept them and try to move forward. Take care of yourself and be forgiving and compassionate.
I'm sure your mother is suffering from dementia, coupled with the recent shock of losing her husband, which is a recipe for disaster. His death may have pushed her over an 'edge' she was teetering on for a while.........think about it.
When my father died, leaving his wife of 68 years, my mother had a very odd reaction. She was not yet diagnosed with dementia, but definitely exhibiting all the signs and symptoms at that time (in 2015). The first thing she did was to immediately collect ALL of his belongings, stuff them into a large lawn bag, throw a few of HER things on top of the pile, then ask me to go 'donate her stuff to Goodwill.' I knew what she was doing right away, and I was not a happy camper, let me tell you.
She then told me (like 2 days after he died) that the man across the hall from her in Assisted Living came by and asked her to go on a cruise with him!!! I swear I think she was purposely trying to drive me away, because I was livid to hear her make that casual remark, then laugh about it like a schoolgirl. She all but blushed when telling me the story (several times, no less).
Then one day, she called me to come over; she felt compelled to tell me something SO FOUL about my father that to this very day, I've been unable (and unwilling) to forgive her for uttering. I was flabbergasted. Right then and there, my husband and I decided I would never visit my mother alone again. He would always be there with me as a buffer. She, for some reason, loves to treat me like a 2nd class citizen. And yeah, I had just lost my father and here she was, rubbing salt in my wounds as if she enjoyed doing so.
I don't know why your mother is acting like this, but I'd throw dementia and trauma into the mix as a guess. Call her doctor and let him/her know what's going on and maybe an anti depressant or anti anxiety medication can be prescribed. Anxiety and/or depression can rear its ugly head in a wide variety of ways, esp when dementia is also at play.
As the others have said, I'd go see her and make sure she's physically okay. She's obviously not okay mentally, which is to be expected during times of such profound grief. But to turn against you like this is weird. Do you think there's been someone influencing her in some way? Like a man 'wanting to take her on a cruise?' or waiting in the wings for her husband to die so he could take over? I always doubt such things, but who knows, right?
I'm really sorry for the added stress you are going through right now. I hope you can make some headway with your mother and get her to see that you're on HER side here. Best of luck
My dad had cancer and my mom was the primary caregiver for him after his diagnosis, for the last 6 months of his life. We had 12 hours a day in-home health aides for my dad and my twin brother and I took turns staying the night for the other 12 hours since my mom was elderly and also showing signs of physical and mental decline. After my dad died, my mom was overwhelmed, her whole world changed. She showed signs of mental decline quickly so we had her evaluated by a neurologist. The diagnosis: Alzheimer's. It was a shock to us but it made sense. The Neuro told us that sometimes, and quite often, the stress of daily care-giving for a LO can bring out an underlying condition that has been there dormant.
The fact that your mom knows you and is receptive to you one day and the next it's a totally different situation, makes me wonder if the same thing is happening with her. It is a hard diagnosis to hear and accept, especially after going through it with your dad, but please have her evaluated and reach out for care-giving assistance for her and just as importantly for you, you will get through this too.
You have some tough decisions coming up soon. The first step is going to visit her, even if she doesn't want it.
My mom had quite a bit of confusion after my youngest brother died very recently. She asked a neighbor who the lady was in her living room. It was my sister who my mom knew only moments before. My mom is 96 and had no dementia issues prior to this unexpected death.
Just go.
Your dad died, but her husband died...A man that she has probably been with for more than 1/3 of her life. One that she loved, raised a family with, cared for and now....nothing.....
I would go by for a visit.
Go in and see how she is doing.
If she looks at all "off" soiled clothes, hair not combed, anything out of character for her I would be very concerned.
If necessary call 911.
Look into a Bereavement Support group you could go with her. Although there are support groups for people that have lost spouses.
My thought is she may have decided to just "give up"....
You may need to be firm at first. Don't plead, insist on an explanation.
I hope you have POA. Makes life easier. Ciuld it be that caring for Dad you didn't notice the early signs of a Dementia. Chalked it up to old age? Mom could have a Uti, could be taking her meds wrong. The death of Dad could cause a depression. She could not be drinking or eating properly. Dehydration can do a number of things.
If I were you, I would definitely visit and see what is going on. If she still is not herself, take her to her PCP for a good checkup.
If that is not the problem, just give her some time. Does she have a neighbor you can ask to kind of check on her, daily?
She's probably grieving, and grief does funny things to people. It's a huge change to go from living with someone for many years and then losing them and having to find your 'new normal'. Maybe she just wants space.
When my daddy passed, my mother shed zero tears. She also didn't really acknowledge to us kids the grief we were feeling. It was weird, but not out of the way 'abnormal'. It just was what it was. She didn't want people around her either, and slowly she moved on to a life w/o 24/7 CG.
The fact mom states she spoke to an attorney, yet doesn't have one is troubling. Has she shown signs of dementia herself? Maybe time to focus on mom for a bit.