Hey everyone. I just came upon this forum when looking up some things related to caregiving, so I will like to share my story as of now.
I am 20 years old now , at the age of 10 my mother divorced my abusive father and we left to live to my grandparents house, which they accepted us then with a lot of care and support, 10 years later we're still in their house. Both my grandparents were very active people. Sadly cancer struck my grandmother (ovary cancer to be exact) and she was also diabetic. But spite that she was still very self sufficient until her last 2 months of life which were hard for all of us, we never got a caretaker so my mom and I started to take care of her which lasted very little compared to what we have now.
As my grandfather was left alone we started taking care of him (or at least try) like my grandma used to. Hes always had amazing health and he was very strong ans active until he started showing noticeable memory problems probably caused by age, or the start of alzheimer. He also has cancer develop in the upper right side of his lung, and a reappearing aortic aneurysm which he had another one in a different location of the aorta many years ago that got treated. His memory became worse at the Point that now hes extremely delusional, to the point of no sleep, trying to escape home, because he wants to go home, talking to invisible people and so on, this happened in a matter of months and went worse as the day passed. I'm now writing to you guys to help me get through this.. its been a year of very hard caretaking. Hes lost all his body fat and muscle no matter if he eats or not yet he still has big bones and weighs a ton since hes very tall and bones are really heavy. If I'm alone at home and he falls down trying to walk on his own I cant pick him up without my mom and I have to leave him there until my mother is back home. The other person with me is my younger sister but if I can't, its worse for her. She gets very nervous and anxious regarding my grandfather since he questions her whatever things and even get violent. Getting very scared. We do have a caretaker on weekdays when my mom needs to work, and my sister and I go to college/school. personally don't like her. Shes really loud and I feel that makes my grandfather even more agitated, and doesn't give him the peace and calm I think he needs for his age and condition. Our weekends consist of us taking care of him and being completely secluded in our house taking care of him, and as I type this; I'm in the hospital with him, we took him as an emergency from an ulcer that started hemorrhaging and made his discharges filled with blood, same as puking blood. We've been in the clinic with 0 insurance since on April he came in for the same incident as last time. My mom has been paying every day a little bit. Which they are HUGE amounts anyway.
Saying this my mom and I are exhausted, emotionally and physically. I've been staying in the hospital this week and I'm beat. I don't know since when I don't sleep because of my grandfather's also sleepless nights talking very loudly and trying to leave the hospital bed or ripping off whatever strange object is attached to him. I'm very emotionally sensible right now, my mom looks depressed looking him like this. And it makes me sad to see her sad. And its a mix of things that I feel are taking a huge toll on me. I feel like a horrible person thinking it might be better if he passed away. Not because I wanna go in vacation. But because it hurts to see him like this, suffering son much. How can u cope with this?
I also live in Venezuela. Which is possibly the worst country for sick people, as there's 0 medicine available. Not even diapers for him. All of this mixed up with his conditions are deeply saddening since I love him deeply. But i hate to see him suffer at the same time.
JessieBelle - thank you for the kind words. I really hope things get better for us country wise even. Its a huge concern for everyone that lives here. And yes! I've spoken with my mom of our caretaker, she does a very good job when cleaning and taking care of my grandfather the days we can't be home 24 hours. Her behavior is something that bothers us. In my house we also have a maid that cleans and cooks for my grandfather, since my grandmother passed we didn't have someone who could help us cook lunch and give him company. I consider her as a great friend.
She has also had trouble coping with her behavior. And tells us she has trashtalked me and my mother on our backs a couple of times, this maid has been with us since two years ago. and shes very nice and honest person. But this doesn't mean we're going to kick out his caretaker or anything, we really do need her, and putting my grandfather in a nursing home is out of the question. My mother wouldn't bare to live if she did so. She loves taking care of him when she can no matter how hard it is for her. I admire her deeply, her perseverance and how great she is as a mother. We are greatful from your great response.
Sunnygirl1- thank you so much for you'r response. I dont know much if such institutions exists here. But dont worry, I will check the link you provided me and your recommendations What's good is that my uncle (my mother's brother) lives on the United States since many years ago. He helps us by sending us medicines, daipers and one and another things for us (in my country you barely can even find toilet paper) so he gives us a super huge help regarding that issue. Even if hes not directly here, he does all in his power to help us. Thank you for your response!
Since you are in another country, it's not possible for me to give you many referrals to agencies that might help. Do you know of any? I think I might reach out to many and see if someone could help. Maybe with supplies, respite care, medical care, food, etc. Here is a link for the Salvation Army.
salvationarmy.org/ihq/latinamericanorth
You might also try a local church or missionaries. I know the Red Cross is supposed to be for disasters, but I might try them as well. They may know of some place that might offer some aid to you and your family.
Your feelings about your grandfather are very normal. It's natural for us to wish away the pain for a loved one. I hope you can hold on and know that you have a future ahead that will be much brighter and that you have done a wonderful thing in this world.
I was surprised to read there are no resources in Venezuela, since it is such a wealthy country. Does help not trickle down to the people? That is very sad. It sounds like there is need for healthcare reform in the country so that people can get the things they need.
I am glad for your caregiver, even though she is so crass. At least it gives you time to have a bit of life for yourself so you can leave the house and go out to school. Maybe your family could get together and talk about what a blessing she is, so her behavior would be easier to tolerate. Things can change just by the way we think about them. This is what I try to do. Sometimes it works.
This is a wonderful place to write about what you're going through. Most of us know that we can't fix things, but it helps to talk it out with others who are going through things similar. It sounds like you have it worse in Venezuela because of the lack of options and medicines. I wish we could change that.
For now, I hope a big cyber hug for you and your family helps. You are a remarkable young woman.