JisFrustrated Asked January 2023
What can I do when my mother refuses to help herself?
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my mother is 67 years old and has been hospitalized 3-4 times in the last year due to falls. She lives alone and my sisters and I are not only physically incapable of providing her with 24/7 care we are beyond frustrated that we are expected to do so because she simply will not do what she needs to in order to be self sufficient. Currently, my youngest sister is with her and has been for almost a month now. She told me earlier "mom won't let me leave" stating a few different reasons why she "can't". We are tired of this cycle and at a loss as to what to do.
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If something bad happens to your mother...that is on HER, not you or your sister. It is because she chose not to help herself. You can't sacrifice your life to save her when she doesn't even have the will to have a life.
At this point I am about to cut off them all off. I did verify that yes, mom did have surgery which was all the more I needed... I did not need the "I do everything by myself" extra three messages that came after. Yes, she does a lot, but she wasn't asked to or expected to, at least not by the rest of us so I get very tired of it... You do her shopping, you make sure her bills are paid these are things YOU CHOSE to do.
The contraction... She tells us to not go over there, she tells us to go home and yet acts like she can't get anyone to help.
Choose a time that works for you & call Mom to say hello. Hi Mom. Just calling to say Hi.
Your role is here is strictly daughter. Not on-call maid being assigned her roster.
Yes. I see. Right. Yes it can be hard. Empathy, but with limits. If it's listening post she wants for an endless stream of negative, cut it short.
Gotta go now. Speak again soon. Rude? Yelling? Chat later. Goodbye.
If there is a job list being hurled at you, time to play ball. Bounce each one back with "what are you going to do about that?"
My favorites is when someone says "YOU have to.." & you stay silent. Let it sink in. That they cannot actually MAKE you do anything.
🏓🏓
Or answer with Barb's classic line "No I can't possible do that".
Am I being unreasonable? Am I just a horrible person?
Let's look at that:
Doesn't want help.
Yet wants help.
🤔
Denial? Lack of insight? Congnitive decline in processing & judgement?
Or the fantasy 🦄
If my family do things for me, that doesn't count as REAL help. Family is ME. So family helping me is still ME doing it. Therefore I must still be independent.
Fuzzy edges to what is me to what are your kids.. or spouse or whoever.
Once I see this I ramp up the message of You vs Me. YOU may decide XYZ. That's up to YOU.
My LO kept cancelling aides. Why? Because they didn't need the help. Because family could come instead. But deep down they must had known they needed help (as if not would have merely sat there unfed & unwashed etc not calling anyone).
My message is YOU cancel at YOUR choice. However this does not mean family come instead. You cancel your help equals no help.
Do you think this sort of magical thinking/fantasy is going on?
If so, keep reminding Mom who you are. I am your daughter. I am not your maid.
She doesn't want to put forth the effort to get better for that reason, its to hard, it takes effort.
I think you see & explained the guilt trap your Sister is in very well. This happens a lot.
It's F.O.G.
Fear Mom will fall or be injured/unwell. Obligation to keep her safe. Guilt saying no.
Work with your Sister's obligation feeling maybe? She wants to HELP Mom (you both do) - there are other ways to help than to be the 24/7 workhorse.
When someone is up close with the daily minutaie it is hard to see the bigger picture. Which is Old Age Happens. Elders start to need more help. It blows out past what family can do & they need a bigger team.
When your Sister understands this - you can hopefully move to the same page.
New Aim may be to help Mom assemble her team - not BE the whole team. This will be the NEW way to help.
I don't want anything bad to happen to her, but I can't and won't give up my life in what will be a doomed attempt to force her to simply exist.
My mom LOVES to be waited on. I wish I could turn the clock back so that I would NOT have ignorantly contributed to DISabling her by doing WAY toooo much for her, when she was actually capable and actually needed to get knee replacements (which I made her do or she'd be bedridden by now). I relearned how to make her do as much as she possibly could for herself. While she's quite happy to sit in her chair and watch me put away her laundry, I make her do it. Why should I do it??? There are enough things she legitimately can't do anymore due to her dementia but oh the thousands of things I did to feed her desire to do nothing. I was so ignorant and would love to turn the clock back at least 10 years. At least I've learned from the best what NOT to do.
My sister did go home today so currently mom is alone. I'm trying not give into my anxiety about that or stress myself worrying about her.
I keep telling myself there is nothing more I can give or do for her, but this fear that she's gonna fall again and we aren't going to find her in time is about to much.
I can tell she (my sister) is suffering the burn out and I've tried to convince her she's done all she can and that she needs to stop letting mom guilt her into staying but she's so far into the guilt trap that I don't know how to pull her out
What do you do for your mother that she can do for herself? Why does sister need to be there 24/7? I would tell sister to leave and go back home. People get upset because their toddlers won't eat no matter what u try and the Dr says, they will eat when they are hungry. Same with grown ups. Mom will do for herself when she has to. I am not saying to abandon her, just back off a little and make her do it on her own. If she wants a clean house, then she hires someone. She can use the Senior bus to get around and to appts. My MIL was pretty much alone in another State when FIL died at 71. She also was 71. She lived to be 92. She had to do because her sons were 16, 12 and 7 hrs away. I am sure if she had stayed here, my husband would have been at her beck and call. But, she had to do it.
You girls have to come up with a plan and stick to it. You are not just enabling Mom, your disabling her. I said to a friends daughter I get tired just seeing all she does. She now teaches after going to College while she held down a job and raised a daughter. She just became a Realtor and teaches too. Her and husband volunteer. She told me she has had depression since she was a child and what keeps it at bay is keeping herself busy.
It does not take that much to keep a place clean. For a friend while she was in the hospital I cleaned her apt from top to bottom. I even dry cleaned her rugs (u use a special powder) to get the dog smell out. I made her bathroom as easy access as I could. A commode over the toilet to help her up and down. A shower chair in the tub and a hand held shower head. Was able to find suction cup bathroom accessories in the $1.00 store I put on the bathroom wall were she could reach her shampoo and soap and hang her washcloth. O bought her Swiffer products to make it easier to sweep her floors and dust. I got her a sponge on a handle to be able to wash her dishes as she dirtied them. Just place them in a drainer and use them again. If you can maintain, its only a matter of someone coming in once a month and doing the deep cleaning. No I never saw if she kept it up because she had a lab mix who sat on everything and smelled because she wasn't able to bathe him. Everytime i visited I had to take all my clothes off when I got home because I smelled like dog. So I stopped going over. I am not big on large dogs either.
Start telling Mom NO, you are capable of doing it yourself. To back urself up. Ask her PCP if he can order in home Physical Therapy. Ask the PT to evaluate what Mom is capable of doing same with the OT. That gives you a base to work from. The more she does for herself the stronger she gets.
You may want to read Boundries by Townsend and Cloud. Its Christian based but deals with what you owe your parents.
One thing that is said is: When saying NO, you are not responsible for the reaction you get.
Also, No is a one word sentence
My Mantra...I am here to help people find a way, not be the way.
She has done in patient physical therapy and her insurance was even paying for someone to come out and do in home physical and occupational therapy (this was after the fall before this very last one) and she would cancel on the lady.
My grandmother paid to have a very nice walk in shower put in, it has a built in seat and the suction hand grip rails, they got her a brand new bed with rails and a stool to help her get in and out that she refuses to sleep in she instead sleeps in the lift chair (also new) that replaced the recliner she was sleeping in.
My friends sister has been basically a recluse for many years after having a successful career when younger. She lived alone with her cat and her much older husband in a nice retirement community in Ca. No children. One day Sister let my friend know her DH had passed.
Friend, who lives in NM, hadn’t seen her sister in years. Sister always resisted a visit. Friend knew her sister was a lottery addict. Had bailed her out in years past. She was hesitate to get very involved but knew her sister prob needed help.
When it looked like Sister was about to get scammed out of her home, Friend visited Sister and found a mess and it was a mess covered with cat hair.
Sister was diagnosed as having “learned helplessness”.
Friend is single, no children, has worked hard, well educated, successful and continues to work and be active.
She could easily afford to bail her sister out but knew there would be no end to it. She had no interest in being a caregiver. Her sister was about the age of your mom. She was physically able to work but couldn’t/wouldn’t leave her condo.
After studying the situation carefully Friend agreed to pay her sisters mortgage so Sister could continue to have a roof over her head. There were conditions. She would pay ONLY
IF SISTER
1) saw her newly found therapist weekly,
2) saw her psychiatrist for medication management,
3) walked 10,000 steps per day.
Prior to this sister only went to the grocery store and her primary for diabetes management of drugs, sat in her recliner, petted her cat and watched the news. That was it. She didn’t bath, wash her hair, clean her house. Oh yes, She did cook for herself and did her nails.
As strange as her sister was in some ways, she was very honest about what she would and would not do and they were able to make a deal. She wouldn’t walk outdoors but she walked the 10,000 steps in her condo. She saw the therapist weekly and the psychiatrist as required.
Time went by and friend had sister add a daily chore of a text that listed three things she was grateful for.
It was pretty basic stuff.
After about four years of this, Sister let friend know that she wanted to sell her Condo, pay friend back for the mortgage payments and move to her childhood home town in Texas. The therapist was pushing for this.
Friend went to Cali and found things in much worse shape. All the flat surfaces were covered with mail. It appeared that none had been opened in the four years since friend had been there. All the dishes were dirty and Sister now ate only microwave dinners. Friend helped her sister clear her condo, put her on a plane to Texas, refreshed the condo, got it listed and sold. This took a few months of what seemed like hell for my friend.
Sister is now living in her apartment in Texas where she sits in her new recliner and watches the news. Her cat died back in Cali.
Sister no longer sees a therapist but she still walks, now in her apartment. She texts friend her daily blood sugar readings (which are excellent) and has a new primary to help with her meds. She drives only to the grocery.
Your sister is enabling your mother to do nothing. Your mom doesn’t have the right to refuse care and then expect your sister to fill in. Your mom needs mental help. Make the appt and take her. Let her know that none of you will help her if she doesn’t get professional help. Good luck
"Learned helplessness" is a very real thing. Some people will take the 'I Can't' so far that they will literally live in rot.
This is my mother her entire life. Well, it's sink or swim. I'm handling this situation with her exactly how your friend did with her sister.
I will not be doing hands-on personal care or domestic work in her house. No cleaning, no cooking, no running errands, and no taking her on progress through her kingdom of doctors for the totally unnecessary appointments she makes for recreation.
What I am willing to do is set her up with caregiver/companion service (I know them personally and they work for me). I am willing to make sure her finances are straight and that all her bills are paid.
I am willing to take her out once a week for lunch or shopping or visiting if she wants (I doubt it because she refuses to leave the house now). Of course this is conditional and depends on her behavior. If the misery, gloom and doom, negativity, snideness, or any other of her abusive behaviors start I will not even visit her.
These are my terms. She is starting to realize that I am leaving in a few months. A lot of my things are already packed and out. So she either accepts my terms or she can figure it our herself.
The same advice applies regarding your sis - back off from giving her support. Let her know that she is on her own if she continues to enable your mum. No one can stop her from leaving. It is her choice to stay. So be it. She then has to suffer the consequences too.
You can't force your mother or your sister to make healthier decisions, but you can back off to lessen your own stress and let each of them experience the results of their choices. Good luck!
I just read your response to sunflowergarden. Clearly, you see the entire picture in your mom’s situation. I think you are a wise woman to recognize these issues.
Your mom lost her husband to cancer and then her child in a tragic way, which would be devastating for anyone. You obviously care about her or you wouldn’t be reaching out for advice. I’m sorry for your losses in your family.
Your mom hasn’t been able to process her grief in a timely or healthy manner.
Most of us know people who have been horribly stuck in grief. It’s sad for them and extremely frustrating for others around them.
We can suggest grief therapy. They either will or will not seek counseling or attend a support group.
Meet with your sister and come up with a plan to provide mom with the necessary information for resources that will allow her to live her life without your help.
Your mom either will or she won’t follow the appropriate path that is intended to help her. That’s for her to decide.
Your part, is to give her the information needed to become a functioning adult. Then step away from helping her and allow her to be dependent upon you and your sister.
I know that you and your sister are frustrated. It’s easy to lose your temper. Everyone has lost their temper occasionally, but I would try to calmly explain what the relevant factors are to her.
She’s broken at this point. She will not respond to screaming or demanding that she instantly has to conform.
Tell her what she needs to know, step back and allow her to process it. People don’t change overnight. It’s a process.
Don’t debate issues back and forth. That won’t help either. It will only give her ammunition to argue against.
Best wishes to you and your family. Keep us posted and vent as needed. We are here for you.
I am completely with you about the not screaming at her which I've tried to explain to both my older sister and grandmother, it doesn't help and she's just going to shut down more
She may need to be on ONE of them, but not both.
7 years of grieving is sad beyond words. Of course, grief is personal as it gets, but at some point, you do have to say "Mom, you need to move on".
My grandmother lost her precious husband when he was 62. I was 7 and thought he was SOOO old. Now I'm 66 and realize how very young he was. Literally had just retired and died about a month after retiring.
My grandmother was sp gracious and private in her grief. She lived as a widow for 36 years. Almost longer than she was married. I asked her once how she handled this devastation with such dignity and she said "When you have lost the thing you love most, nothing else can touch you. I chose a life that kept me busy and interested. My grief is my own." (She was fabulously in tune with life, w/o drugs or therapy or anything. She was just tough.)
Nobody put their life on hold for her. She was independent to the end and showed us by example how to hold your head up and not wallow in sadness.
Your mom has suffered losses, and I don't mean to dismiss the pain she feels, but we are all in a constant flux of new life and also death. Handling both with dignity is hard, but certainly can be done.
You should NOT put your life on hold for mom. Oddly enough, my grandmother spent MANY years shoring up my mother who NEVER got over losing her dad when she was 32. Probably never occured once to mom that grandma lost the love of her life---mom wasn't able to 'adult' really, ever again. Grandma lived her life fully.
Everyone is very, very different.
You & sister can make a combined front & withdraw your assistance, gradually. Or quickly.
Being on the same page with your sister will really help - to avoid the You have to.. I'm doing everything.. resentment/guilt traps.
Can you take your sister out for lunch or a coffee? Even read out your post & the replies to discuss?
Make this the *Pre-Planning* meeting. Then book at least 2 more to sketch out a rough plan, then a more detailed plan. Maybe a bit corporate sounding.. but going from all help to all withdrawal won't suit any of you.
There have been many of us do this retreat & hopefully some ideas will suit your situation.
It sounds like she is the chief enabler. Your mother's abusive neediness is how she manipulates your sister and the rest of you to cater to her demands. Its the same manipulative behavior that alcoholics and drug addicts use with their enablers so they can stay active in their addictions.
You and your siblings need to have a meeting without your mother present.
If homecare is an option for mom, arrange it. Then all of you go together and tell her homecare is starting for her and your sister is leaving.
If she starts with the abusive neediness and the refusal to help herself on any level, explain what the alternative is.
She goes into a nursing home. None of you are going to live as enablers and care slaves because mom wants it that way.
It doesn't work like that and she must be made to understand that this is not going to happen.
"I personally feel that the root of this is alot of depression going back almost 7 seven years when we lost my dad to cancer". Also,
"I personally feel like she (mom) has given up."
Trust your gut instincts - you are probably spot on.
Grief is real & can certainly impact mental & physical health.
Point out to Mom, it's OK to seek help. She can start with her local Doctor for a HONEST chat, about her struggles, what meds she has been taking, then hopefully this leads to a depression screen test, a medication review & referrals for psychology/counselling.
Point out this is the BRAVE to do. That this is chance to change her pathway.
The above is Part #1: Suggest.
You need to tell your mother that these falls at her age are NOT normal and she needs a medical checkup. However, though you might lead the horse to water, that doesn't insure she'll drink. And there is nothing you can do to change her EXCEPT to withdraw your support.
67 years old is awful young to be needing so much help. If she's not able to care for herself then she needs to move into the appropriate facility as she could live another 30+ years. Are you all up for this to continue for that long?
And if she doesn't have the money, then she needs to apply for Medicaid. You nor your sisters should be spending your hard earned money on her, as you will all need that for yourselves as you age.
You and your sisters are all grown ups and need to learn to set boundaries and say NO to the woman who is using you all.
You can do this!
There’s a fine line in caregiving between helping and enabling. In my experience, and I am certain many others, you give an inch and they take a mile. It’s important to have clear cut boundaries of what you can and cannot do and what hours you are and are not available. Otherwise, you will get completely taken advantage of.
67 is very young to need such bands on caregiving. Can we have some background?