My 95 year old husband is extremely agitated in the nursing home. He seems to feel they are good people caring for him but he resents not being able to make his own decisions. I realize now that during our 60 years of marriage he has always been in control--it was always easier to let him make decisions than to disagree. He no longer has the control he is accustomed to and can't seem to adjust to that.
.Hugs 🤗
Her latest rant is calling me to tell me she is trying to get in touch with the relatives (all deceased) because she wants them to come & get her to go live with them, but nobody 'wants her.' She's as ornery as the day is long at 94, is wheelchair bound, wears Depends, and has fallen 69x in Assisted Living and Memory Care. There is NO WAY she can be cared for in home, it's not safe or viable, but she won't hear of it. So it's a guilt trip all the time lately. DH & I are going over on Sunday to have a 'chat' with her about why we can't take her in, nor can my son or daughter. That's who's left of 'the family', as I'm an only child and all of her 7 brothers & sisters are deceased. The nursing home comes next because her $$$$ is running out for private pay, so I can't even imagine what level of complaining I'll hear when she has to live with a ROOMMATE.
I'm sorry she's miserable. I'm sure you're sorry your husband is miserable, too. It's what happens when people live to advanced old age and develop dementia and health issues that make living with loved ones impossible. There is no other alternative, so we have to take care to protect OURSELVES to some degree, so we don't wind up depressed and on 3 different medications to deal with the guilt that's laid on us.
I wish I had a great answer for you, but the truth is, I'm looking for one myself. I just plug along doing the best I can, trying to hold up a shield to ward off the blows my mother dishes out on a daily basis. Blows I don't deserve after 10 years of dealing with this. I don't feel that SHE deserves to live this life either, but I don't get a say in it, only God does. Extreme old age is nobody's friend, that's what I've learned over the past 10 years myself and I pray to God I pass away with dignity & grace long before I see it myself.
Wishing you the best moving forward.
One day at a time...& remember you can’t reason with a patient with dementia...& she won’t remember any conversation 5 min later about why you can’t take her back home! Also, she will be adamant about the dead relatives not being dead! & say that you are the one who is crazy & wrong about relatives being dead! That’s what my mother does...
Leave her where she is.
Hugs 🤗
My father was quite willing to go to LTC leaving mom behind in AL. He liked being in control and was known to make decisions without consulting mom. He hated being helped, he was more than willing to be of assistance to others, but to be helped called into question his abilities. I will admit I hated the LTC facility within the community they lived. The help were leased workers and didn't seem to care, of course they are understaffed but the first room he was in did not work out and the staff seemed to completely ignore him, they didn't clean him up after meals - maybe he didn't cooperate, but when he got moved to another floor it was somewhat better and the night nurse was really good, they need many more of her. At some point it came, I was waiting for it - "When can I go home?" Unfortunately both mom and I had to tell him he was home because he was too weak to go home.
Good luck - be happy and find joy in your life even if you husband can't find it in his life.
through the staff's help, activities,
and maybe he'll make a friend or two as well. Take care of yourself, be well & stay safe.
They can let him make choices for the group, choose what he wants to wear on a given day, choose whether activities should happen indoors or outdoors....
My LO, a lifelong single lady, was the Vice President of a well known local bank. If ever there was “THE BOSS”, it was SHE! After a few rocky months in Memory Care, the staff got wise to the fact that her “advisory capacities” needed an outlet, and what a difference they were able to make!
I notice that Kantankorous and I have had similar experiences, and I bet you an too!
"They don't tell you when you take those vows that when they become old you become old too and you don't feel like putting up with their s _ _ t anylonger"
I am mentioning this because OPs mentioned her DH is 95 with a Dementia. I am assuming that she is close in age. Because of this, she probably can no longer care for him because he is 24/7 care. To hire 24/7 care is not cheap. Plus, you are relying on other people to be there everyday and on time. I am 71 and that would stress me out.
That era did wait on their husbands hand and foot. My mom did it too. So did grandma.
So glad that changed! My husband never expected me to do that.
My MIL said that she made a point to teach her sons to respect women. My FIL expected the same thing, to be waited on.
I thanked my MIL for breaking the cycle. She raised considerate sons.
She had three sons, no daughters.
She was a sweetheart and would often tell me that I was her daughter.
You are not going to be able to reason with him. Either are the staff. He has lost that ability. He is like a child, he wants what he wants. With short-term memory loss, things can be explained every day and he will not remember it. He may never "adjust" until his last stages. But if this causes him anxiety there are meds that will help.
Please don't try and bring him home. The stress in setting up care will be awful let alone the Dementia. Your wellbeing is important too.
Trust me, taking him into your own perfect home with perfect caregivers would not be an answer either. I sure wish you luck, and am so sorry.
"Truly, truly, I say to you, when you were young, you used to dress yourself and walk wherever you wanted, but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will dress you and carry you where you do not want to go." John 21:18 ESV
It's sad and most of us hope to keel over before that happens, but it's a fact of life and aging. Others here have offered some great suggestions for easing your husband's inability to adjust to his new reality. Hope things get better soon.
FWIW, when my grandmother had to be in a nursing home, she would constantly complain to my mother about how awful it was and that she wanted to go back home. However, when my dad visited, she would tell him how great is was and how nice the people were. You just never know.
Ask staff if he can be on a 'Resident's Committee' - reporting issues to staff every month or so to help run the facility. He may feel empowered with this responsibility and perhaps believe he is contributing to his care on a more personal level (as many don't want to be a burden). It's also a good reason to engage with other residents to seek their input.
Another good one is 'Fire Warden' - he gets a flashlight, whistle, and instructions to follow for mustering people/congregation points etc.. Again, it can restore his sense of being in charge (although this should not be taken too literally!).
A last suggestion, make him 'Chief Librarian' responsible for sorting books and managing loans/returns - it all depends on his capacity and interest, but they all involve being Numero Uno!
If it is not possible, speak to the staff to allow your husband to make choices, i.e. What time do you want lunch? 11 30 or 12. Would you like to sit outside this afternoon? etc.
I am sure that covid has played a large part in limitations, hopefully this will change.
Best wishes to you both.
I think in time he will adjust. He will find the choices he does have choice over (which shirt to wear) what day for a shower, if not everyday, what dessert etc. Small things I know. But they help.
Often once people gain a little more trust in their caregivers they will let a little more control go.
It's a big change for both of you.
He will have to acclimate to his new surroundings.
I wouldn’t argue about it. Let him vent if you can take the complaining or you can tell him that you are tired of hearing it.
Another possible solution is to talk to his doctor about meds to calm him down. Tell the doctor exactly what you have posted.
It is not good for you to get stressed out. You have done what is best for both of you and I wish he appreciated your concern about him.
If he was controlling and you gave into him now he is going to find out how you felt. In a perfect world he would apologize to you.
Best wishes to you and your husband.
Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.