What do you do with the anger that is left?

My entire family thinks that it's my place to look after everyone, so I can relate to losing years looking after other people. A counselor might help, and getting into some type of program that supports people with disabling conditions and helps them to have a more full life. My town is so small that I don't know of anything like this, but cities usually have a group that helps people with disabilities to be able to do things that they've always wanted to do. Even sending them on trips. I have heard people say to take a long stick and symbolically break it to cut ties with persons in your past. Hope you're doing better these days.

How are you doing? Those of us with 'complicated grief' have that extra layer of anger, I think. Hope you have found distractions from the bad memories. It's imperative to be physically active to dissipate the anger...& avoid health problems. Please go 4 walks & take ur fav music with you, drive to a nice park with your dog (maybe GET a dog), try writing lyrics or stories, maybe go to a painting class.
Hope you're feeling better soon.

I too have dealt with an extremely unstable mother who has Borderline Personality Disorder. Narcissism is definitely rolled up in there amongst other things and she was also an alcoholic and struggled with same sex attraction from a molestation she experienced when she was young. My childhood living under her was chaotic and very abusive. After becoming a Christian, I have come to a place of forgiveness for all the damage she had inflicted on me in the past together with the rewounding I experience from her in the present, both of which I am still healing from, as I learn to relate to my heavenly father and receive His love - He is ultimately the healer of my heart and soul. It is a process that I am still sorting out each day, but it is getting better. We can have very distorted images of God when we grow up under these types of abuses. So, it can be very challenging in the process of reimaging our concept of God and His Love for us as well as reimaging our concept of ourselves. Yet, amidst my walking out this healing, as an only child, all of my mom’s caregiving needs fell to me. I stepped in to care for her over the past 12 years with the most recent years being the most challenging due to her Alzheimer’s and progressive physical decline. I can relate to the feelings of anger and resentment that you mention which would rear their head after lovingly dealing with every aspect of a person’s care imaginable, while working full time and dealing with a plethora of other issues -my husband’s heart attack and then his early onset Alzheimer’s diagnosis, turning our world upside down, and all the changes that entailed, while being treated by a parent as if nothing you did was ever good enough, even when it was obvious that you went above and beyond to meet their needs. The one thing that I did, which I attribute to my saving grace is to enlist the help of a Geriatric Care Manager. I would never have been able to deal with all that I have had to deal with, regarding my mom, without his help. My mom fought me on retaining him and then all along the way after she finally agreed, but I know I did the right thing. When I knew I could not go another step without some relief from the constant combativeness and all the other protests and arguments, and unreasonable demands, etc, I was able to call this GCM who would step in and take over and talk my mom down and get her to the place of being able to deal with things a bit differently, even if just for a few days or weeks til getting to the next step of what was needed. With all that I had on my plate and constantly being subjected to toxicity from her, I got to a place of emotional, physical, and spiritual burnout. I have stepped back from it all by quitting my job and giving over my caregiving responsibilities to this GCM. Yes, there is an expense involved, but thankfully my mom has the money to pay for it as well as Assisted Living, which we wound up placing her in last July. She kicked and screamed at every turn, but we insisted and she is now, after another move from a previous AL, in a place that is taking care of her needs. I have had to get to that place of letting go and realizing I did all I could do to care for her, but I am human and have to care for my needs as well. She is very angry with me and has taken my POA away from me, but I have accepted the fact that I have done all that I could and the rest is in God’s hands. I pray you heal from all that you have dealt with and that you are able to realize you did what you could and now it’s time to care for your needs. We cannot take care of anyone else until we properly care for ourselves, and you definitely need to take time for that. Good counsel, supportive friends, some rest, refreshing with things you enjoy, and becoming reacquainted with a life of balance for yourself will help you move forward in a positive way. God’s Blessings to you!

Dear keeping,

i am so sorry that you had all this to deal with and even now are trying to cope cope with the residual anger, resentment and pain. There is nothing I could say that would take this away. But if nothing else, your post has helped me.
I am dealing with an exact situation. Have tried for 8 years to make and keep my narcissistic mother happy. I’m exhausted and guilty and angry and resentful and tired of being manipulated. She is relentless! Anyway, I have set boundaries but always feel guilty when I hold my ground. Thanks to your post I feel a little better setting and keeping my boundaries. I know I will have similar feelings when my Mom passes but for now, I feel less guilty for loving myself sometimes. Thank you for sharing.

How terribly sad that you did this for your mother. She certainly did not deserve this from you and now you are feeling the effects. What is done is done and can't be changed. Think of now - that you are finally free and will have some peace. Seek out things and people that make you happy and perhaps consider some counseling to help you go forward. And possibly some light medication may help you feel better. Good luck. I just wish people would see some people for what they truly are and then walk away from them and never look back.

Are we doomed to be like our parents? I look at my parents; their lack of planning, refusal to see the reality of their situation (maybe incapable at this point), their self absorption, stubbornness, etc. and wonder if I am destined to turn out like that. I dread the idea of subjecting my children to what they've subjected me to.
I will happily go to assisted living, I will move closer to my children if it makes it easier for them to help me, I hope I would do anything to make the situation less stressful, but I'm saying that now. Does old age change you?
(maybe this shouldn't be posted here, but I don't know how to move it...)

My parents are still with me, but I, too, wonder what I will do with the residual anger and resentment. Probably spend the rest of my life in therapy (if I can afford it!). Sending you good thoughts keepingup, practice self-care and treat yourself well.

This is what I do At night when you start to turn things over in your mind
imagine a giant blackboard. On the blackboard is the name of your mother. Giant letters spaced out across the board
Now imagine you facing the board with an eraser and you start to rub away her name. I guarantee you won’t finish before you are asleep
do it every time you feel the anger and tell yourself that rubbing out her name is getting rid of equal amounts of anger.
If not, the nerf bat and pillow was a good idea

We get too soon old, too late wise, youth is wasted on the young. You have the comfort of knowing that during your time on this earth you did the compassionate, loving thing and makes your contribution priceless in a world plagued by egocentric, selfish people

keeping: You're very welcome.

A Not Uncommon Scenario
I copied this from Dr. George Simon's webpage:https://www.drgeorgesimon.com/conscience-and-conscientiousness/

Substitute Caregiving for bill paying.

"A woman once told me she simply had to take charge of the bills because her husband “never learned” the importance of paying them. And she believed if she set a good model, in time, he’d learn. In fact, he always knew that if the electric bill weren’t paid, the power might go off. (He’d experienced that many times before.) But he also knew how conscientious his wife was. He knew she’d be sure the money was there and that the bill was paid on time. And he was happy to let her shoulder all the household responsibilities. That left him free to go about his daily business of self-gratification and indulgence. The problem was never that he was unaware. The problem was that he didn’t care. He didn’t have to. In her over-conscientiousness, she did all the caring for everyone."

We have such a short post from you that it’s hard to get a fuller sense of you. There are many good, sensitive responses here and I hope they are helpful and comforting.
I am struck by a few thoughts/questions.

1. I believe counseling will help you. Remember, finding the
right therapist “fit” for you may take a few tries (not all therapists fit your “style”)

2. Are you alone? What fills your days? Now that this consuming presence is gone from your life, do you have a purpose outside of yourself? Are you social? Church? kids?

Perhaps a therapist might hook you up with a support group, depending on your area. Groups can have so many benefits wrapped in one visit—social, therapeutic, fun, educational, informational—transformative, really! You never know who you will meet. They can be powerful in terms of progress and, in stabilizing your place in this world with the loss of your mother who seemed to be your life. Often, there are other issues bundled into our willingness to care for an abusive parent, as you likely know. A combination of therapy and group therapy can move us forward more quickly than many other options.

I would be extremely regretful and angry, if I woke up after the loss of her and realized that now I had no life, that I had given it all away to her—especially (perhaps) the last best years of my life, considering the MS . But guess what that would leave me with? Yep! Good old self-loathing and the regret that I hadn’t stood up to her, hadn’t stared her down and said: “mother, you can’t treat me this way”.

Of course, with a narcissist, it wouldn’t have likely resulted in lasting changes, but that’s not the point—you would have known you DID it! (So, did you ever?)

We didn’t learn from you the status of your MS. Of course that status determines , partly, your capacity to access some of your options, but, depending on your determination and drive to SEIZE THE DAY, there are many wonderful resources and options in this world for you! SEIZE THEM!! Find them! Of course, I don’t know you or the resources in your area, but a therapist will. Please start there.

I hope you will take some kind of action so you can move ahead instead of perhaps feeling/being paralyzed in this difficult time. It’s difficult to start, but it get’s so much easier.
I’m assuming too much, but I want to encourage you

Take some ACTION— now! No more wallowing, dear—
just do it!

much love, faith, hope to you! I know you WILL do it!

Keepingup, how are you doing?

Are you finding outlets and getting rid of moms toxic leftovers?

Thinking about you and praying that everyday is better for you.

You are strong and you will have the victory! Hugs!

Hi. You are not alone. Through this and other websites, I have seen so many of us with toxic parents, some of whom do a lot of emotional damage. I would recommend an exercise that I read about. Sit down and write a letter to her and put all your feelings down on that letter. Recall painful experiences, share how they made you feel, discuss what you would do differently today, etc. After you write and get all of that emotion that has been pent up for years, you can just destroy that letter. Burn it and watch your anger go up in flames. It really works. And keep in mind that you are awesome and kind and good. Not toxic like her. But get those fumes of toxicity out on that letter and burn it. THen go on being the best friend you can be to yourself. You deserve it.

First of all, get all the medical help you need. Then seek out, and maybe try several, counselors who can work with you and heal your tormented soul. You are deeply angry and hurt and who would not be at the treatment you received. I have said it over and over and over again but no one seems to listen. If anyone, the devil, God, anyone, ever abuses you and is mean and makes your life miserable, then you must find the strength, somehow, to try to make them stop - and I don't think that will ever succeed - to leave them, walk away and don't look back and make a new life for yourself. I learned this lesson far, far too late and I could have saved a great deal of heartbreak and suffering. No one deserves to be treated badly and if you are, YOU must do something about it at once. These people do not deserve to have good, decent people in their lives.

So, so sorry. My Borderline Personality Disorder with Narcissistic tendencies and Alzheimer's to boot, mother treated me very poorly as a child, teen and adult. She blamed me for her unhappiness and her bad choices, throughout her (and my) life. She would also tell me I was envious of her. Seek counseling so that you learn of tips and methods of handling the anger that is left. I am seeking counseling, now. My mother seems to feel that her youngest (the child who abused her and exploited her financially) is the only child that has been her "hero". It is YOUR time. Try new things, set some goals, meet new people, travel. It is about you, all about you. Wish you the very best!

I am so very sorry that you have Multiple Scelorsis. Please do take care of yourself and see a counselor for the anger you feel. God love you. Prayers sent. ❤❤❤❤

I'm so sorry. I know that feeling and went through almost the same situation. I threw myself a little bonfire party. In a bucket of sand LOL. I wrote down all of the things she had saddled me with being on slips of paper: Stupid, selfish, lazy, uncaring - and of course her favorite phrase of 'you'll spit on my grave'. She handed that one out like Pez because it worked on the whole family.

Anyway, I lit myself a little fire and took those slips of paper and I burned them. I forced those perceptions of me out of my life one by one. I had to. I literally thought I was going to die before her from stress. I could feel the rage ebb with every single one that burned. They had no power over me anymore.

Then I took one piece of paper and I wrote in big red letters; FREE!! I keep it in my wallet and whenever I look back and I'm tempted to feel guilty, or useless, or a disappointment it's a huge reminder to let go. It's not your disease. She created it and she owned. Let it stay where it belongs.

I have been re-reading your post and all the incredible responses all day long. Your MS diagnosis was 10 years ago, when you also felt you lost your life "trying to make her happy." That is so classic with Narc suction -- you are the one mortally injured and instead of having your own pain and survival instincts attended to, you automatically synch with and give over to the Narc. You hate yourself because you did, yet you had no choice. Because the Narc can never allow you to see sunlight or stars through your own eyes. They continuously sting you; you are paralyzed. Your entire life depended upon relentlessly pleasing her. The dupage is unspeakably tragic and causes such self-loathing. The sorrow and rage you must feel resonate with me so much.

I cried over all the comments about forgiveness and letting anger go, because I can't do that, at least not permanently. From my therapy and reading, I see that the anger is intertwined in our biology/neurology/imprinting. There is no choice when perversions have been introjected into one's system by our very natural human need. It is a sacred part of you and our unfortunate abused/deformed human condition. It can be sublimated, but god I hope never forgotten because it is also my map when I'm blinded by appeals for any repeat.

I have been in therapy for what seems to be a good chunk of my life. People here have mentioned how autoimmune disease hits the abused population much more than those raised "good-enough." I can't remember citations, but there have been a number of studies that shed light on all that. I have lymphoma; growing up I had multiple severe bouts of mononucleosis. My take-away from a lot of reading/therapy is that if a person cannot get one's own sunlight, the body will do what it has to do to escape and achieve equilibrium. Your anger is forcing an adrenalin survival drive, perhaps?

Past few weeks, I am just getting aware of my own rage. For example, I want to lash out at hospice workers because they are so clueless about the terroristic family dynamics that spawned my brother's suicide, my sister's abusive marriage/physical degeneration, and my own maniacal having to flee the scene (yet always immaculately carrying the logistical/financial/medical/social/psych coordination load for all). In spite of my current new-found rage, I knew and now still can see the tortured souls embodied in my parents and my siblings. In their dying, I saw the deep pain, betrayal and confusion in their eyes. My compassion is as humiliatingly overwhelming as the rage. I am reading a lot about Stockholm Syndrome. I have no idea if that could help you too. Perhaps for that 10 years you joined your mother's soul, even though you didn't know. You had clues which drove you crazy, and you hated it. Kidnappers/rapists/murderers often do this peculiar hypnotism to their victims, like a magic spell. It's like their primitive imperative, or reptilian mandate to capture and eat. Your capacity to love was so abused and predated upon by your mother, that you simply joined her to protect yourself, as your own vital energy was drained out? You were stung time and time again and could not see forest for trees. This is just my own speculation. I would love to hear what Screenamed and CantDance and others might think about Stockholm Syndrome and anger if we could be so lucky! The anger can come years or decades later, but when it comes it crushes you to see and accept you were completely devoured by someone else, and you were helpless. I am so grateful for your post (and all others). I hope you can get the kernels of wisdom you need. We'll keep trying. You touched so much suffering today with light.

You know, all you can do is move on, and be thankful for what you DO have. Absolution will never come for the years you spent and the anger you still have. We all have some sort of anger over something or someone who has treated us miserably, and I figured out a long time ago, that the only one I was hurting by nursing the grudge, was me. And so I decided that I will not allow anyone who is hurtful or hateful, dead or alive, to live rent free in my head. Because they don’t care. This works for me...and it’s someone else’s loss for me not to be emotionally invested in them. I wish you all the best, take care of you. And let it go. You will be better off for it.

I’m caring for a much older husband who is kind but also stubborn. I grew up with a mother like yours and I have a sister-in-law who has MS & was diagnosed right after her youngest son was out of the house. I would suggest that you embrace your anger. Own it. You treated unlovingly. You were caring for your abusive mother. Assess the damage and hurt this has caused you. Your pain will abate but there is nothing wrong with feeling anger.

MS is also a tough challenge. Everyone has different effects with it; some live pretty active lives with and others have bouts that come & go. Again, your mindset is an important factor in coping with this. My heart goes out to you. You are stronger than you feel. So scream into a pillow and punch it a few times. You did everything right as a daughter.

I think the most important step here is to forgive yourself - in the true sense of forgiveness. It is not your fault that you bent to this severely self-obsessed, needy person. They had a one-time legitimate power over you, and you did what any child does - tried to please your parent. Even if you had inklings that it was not normal or healthy, it's what most people would have done. True forgiveness to yourself involves not blaming yourself anymore. Most of it was not your fault. And whatever is left, "to err is to be human". Whenever you feel yourself beating yourself up, stop and tell yourself it does not make you a bad person, whatever you are beating yourself up for. Practice "letting go" of bad feelings about yourself, and replacing them with positive affirmations.

One of my favorite phrases is, "Forgiving is giving up the hope for a better past". We cannot change the past. So, as others have said here, we need to put it way back of our minds, and move on to more positive thoughts. When a negative memory comes into your head, think, " I cannot change what anyone did in the past. What I would hope to do in this situation today is...", and think of behavior that would make you happier. Then, if a similar situation ever comes up, try to put your new behavior into practice.

In my life, two situations come to mind. One, my poor attempts at dieting as a teen, and 2), dealing with both my siblings effectively cutting me out of their lives.
As a teen, it is very easy to beat yourself up for not being “perfect”. In my mind, at the time, it was all black and white: I had either stayed on my 1500 (ha!) diet faithfully, or, I had “failed”. Of course, failing meant I “couldn’t do anything right”, and I would quit the diet, because I was failing anyway… Later, in my early 20’s, I realized it was OK to mess up one day, I could just go back on my diet the next day, and what really mattered was the long term – as long as I ate fewer calories most days, I would lose weight. And I did. This learning experience helped me with other things I at first felt I was a “failure” at, and I eventually learned failing occasionally does not make us a “failure”…

As far as my siblings “disowning” me,  it was a complicated family dynamic, largely based on my alcoholic mother’s tendency to keep the 3 of us constantly “divided” so as not to “gang up on her regarding her drinking, after my father’s death many years before hers. I tried a couple of times to reconnect with them by writing, it wasn’t very effective. I then thought about things from their point of view, and realized that in some way, I mean “trouble” to them, or something they do not want to deal with.
It took a lot of distancing myself from family emotions to accept that my siblings were in fact rejecting me. The phrase I have had to constantly employ in this situation is, “It reflects on them more than on me”. They are the ones with the issues. It still hurts at holidays and birthdays, but I have been sending cards the last few years. I don’t care if it is reciprocated or not. It is what I do – for friends and family. A counselor taught me years ago that it is very important to be yourself, (after you have figured out who that is!) what your are comfortable as, and not let other people define who you are. Observing what you are comfortable with and not, what makes you feel good and not, is how we learn who we are.

 In my 30’s, I figured out that “me” is who I felt like as a 12 yr old. I was outgoing, creative, liked to help people, and enjoyed being with others. I was also very sensitive to criticism, and expected people to like me. And after all the gyrations of growing up and maturing, that is pretty much how I am now. I have worked on criticism sensitivity and and expectation issues over the years. It is important to accept ourselves and learn how to keep on improving ourselves.

We are all at different stages of that, all our lives. So, good luck, everyone!

And, you are OK!

I don't have MS so I can't relate there. Although mom wasn't/isn't a narcissist, we didn't have that loving touchy feely leave-it-to-beaver kind of relationship (hardly!) So, between that and it being physically impossible to care for her here (logistics and my own back issues), she is in MC. I have two brothers, however the majority (99.999%) of non-hands-on work is mine. This included finances, bill paying, transport, ensuring she had food, arranging in home care while it lasted, etc while she was still living in her condo an hour and a half away, organizing and prepping the condo for sale - more than 1.5 years time and gas gone!, and now still managing everything. MC covers a lot, but there are still duties to be done, visits to make and someone has to do them! So much for my retirement "golden years!"

So, anger and resentment: These are very negative feelings and will wear down even healthy people. Given your MS, it is even MORE important that you need to let these go!

Some anger/resentment for how mom treated me over the years (not always bad) was easy to let go. She can spark small spurts of anger now when she won't listen/comply (almost 96 going on 3!) , but those go away fairly quickly. My brothers, however, were difficult to deal with (no answer to questions or worse stupid answers, no help when needed, older one apparently never lost his abusive behavior and this resulted in him physically abusing me last year, so I am done with him! Sadly, once the "incidents" are over, he is over them - not so for me. He is not welcome here and I only respond if ABSOLUTELY necessary - at this point, 0.) The anger and resentment built up because of their inability to understand how much work it takes to do what I was doing and too often were not there to help when needed (the older one isn't local.) Although the condo was finally sold, there is still a lot of her crap that was brought here by one brother and I will have to deal with it all!

I finally realized that the anger, frustration and resentment were NOT affecting them, only me. Venting it only makes it a little better at the moment, but it does impact you physically and emotionally, so it doesn't help a lot. At two key moments, I wrote a long email to each of them, expressing my feelings and anger, and trying to put it in perspective. These were NOT sent. It was more of a cathartic for me. Once written (and edited a few times), I left them there in the draft folder and have not been back to look at them.

Joniprins suggested a similar approach regarding writing a letter to your mother. Whether the person is alive or passed on, this can help, because it allows you to express ALL that anger and resentment safely. Say all the things you wanted to say but didn't. Yell. Cuss. Whatever you really wanted to say but held back! Get it all on that letter, edit/add to it as needed, and then leave it behind. It won't abate overnight. The feelings can come back, but it will get better with time and acknowledging the feeling is there and dumping it. Someone suggested burning the letter - perhaps keep a copy on your computer and print/burn as needed when those feeling creep up on you would help!

The final thought is to look at each new day as a new beginning when you wake up. You are here and now. If the sun is shining, go soak up some. If the birds are singing, revel in their joy! If it is cloudy or gloomy, well, into every life a little rain must fall, but remember that rain supports and brings forth new life. Use whatever talents you have to create/make things (photography is good - maybe buy some plants or plant seedlings and bring forth new life, if not allergic, volunteer at a local shelter to spend time with cats or dogs who need extra love/socializing - most will love you for it!) She is gone. She sucked enough life out of you when alive, don't allow her to suck anymore now that she is gone. She didn't deserve what life she stole from you and certainly doesn't deserve anymore!

Listen to 'Power Thoughts meditation club' on youtube
These positive affirmations for 21 days consistant will literally change your life.
It's Awesome!!

Well if no one else is going to ask, I will.

Keepingup, one of the reasons that I suggested looking in more depth at the sources of your anger is that you say that you thought once your mother passed all your problems were over.

While your mother was alive, you were not, as far as I remember, able to express the real anger you felt towards her. You're now doing that, it's progress, that's good, and it's good that you feel safer now.

And how is your sister?

I'm sure you're correct in saying that much of your anger has been unexpressed, and it needs to be expressed. But to express it, you first have to identify it. All of it. So. Any thoughts?

My narcissist mother passed two years ago. I had set strict boundaries 30 years ago to limit her toxic garbage but the stench still lingers. First you can never please a narcissist they don't have human emotions. They can't love so any effort to love them is a waste. l would recommend counseling as dealing with effects of a narcissist parent is a specific skill set. It will help with guilt and get you out from the garbage they piled on you. Know that you did nothing wrong and the fault was 100 percent theirs.

There are some very good recommendations here, though I haven't read them all. One thing I'd like to suggest is take note each day of any little freedoms you now have. Not denying your legitimate anger, just notice, when you can, the times you are free from her abuse. Are there moments in the day when you would have had to do something for her, and now you don't? Notice those and let yourself feel the relief of freedom from that.

Also, get yourself a good therapist you can build a trusting connection with. Someone who specializes in abuse/trauma. Because that's what your mother put you through.

Your Mom is gone now, and the anger you feel, I think, may be more self directed, as "WHY did I waste so many years". I would bet that you knew all along it wasn't working and you never would make Mom happy, and you are left now with fear that you don't have time left for yourself that you told yourself you would have after your Mom was gone. You will have to let your Mom go, and work on your own fears, and make yourself as good a life and as rewarding life as you can. Please get the mental help to deal with all this that you need and you deserve. So sorry for all the pain you have gone through, but there are ways now to find a path to make as good a life as you are able. I think you are furious with yourself for sacrificing to no good end, and at the universe for giving you this as your reward. You will have to make peace that the choices you made were the ones you thought you had to make. Make the REST of your time as good as you can.

I know this isn't a religious forum, but I give it all to God. In the 12-Step programs, they tell you to give it all to your higher power.

You can write things down and put them into a burn-box and sent flame to them to remove them from your memory too. And you can do it as often as needed.

When my mother passed, leaving me to take care of my father, I went to her grave and talked with her. It helped me immensely to ask her why she never told me the things I would need to know to tend to my dad.

so now spend time learning to make you happy. give yourself the gift of therapy. most insurance covers it.